Ever broken-up with partner using a convenient excuse?

I broke-up with the OH today. We've only been dating for six months, so it wasn't an LTR or anything, but things have been strained between us for a while.

I hate break-ups, and the 'negative appraisal' couples tend to give to one another at the end of a relationship... "You're too clingy"... "No, you're too coldhearted"... "No, you're just too demanding"... UGH. Spare me.

So today, I saw my chance to get out. I blew out of all proportion some very petty bickering about borrowing my car without telling me, culminating with me breaking-off the relationship, packing my stuff, and severing all social media ties (drastic, right?)

I realize this makes me seem like a histrionic dickhead, which would be true if it were the reason for ending things. But isn't this a kinder way of ending a relationship than blunt honesty... e.g. you're getting fat, zapping all my energy, and you're just no fun anymore.

Anyone else a fan of false-excuses for fast breakups?

Penny Tration

That's actually a really sh!tty way to treat someone. Nasty, man.


Just be honest. You can be honest without being a dick - "Look, I just don't feel the same anymore." you don't have to say WHY you don't feel the same, just reiterate that you don't think it's gonna work and your feelings have changed.

Engineering a fight to dump her has probably hurt her more than just telling her you're not feeling it would.

The_Valeyard

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I broke-up with the OH today. We've only been dating for six months, so it wasn't an LTR or anything, but things have been strained between us for a while.

I hate break-ups, and the 'negative appraisal' couples tend to give to one another at the end of a relationship... "You're too clingy"... "No, you're too coldhearted"... "No, you're just too demanding"... UGH. Spare me.

So today, I saw my chance to get out. I blew out of all proportion some very petty bickering about borrowing my car without telling me, culminating with me breaking-off the relationship, packing my stuff, and severing all social media ties (drastic, right?)

I realize this makes me seem like a histrionic dickhead, which would be true if it were the reason for ending things. But isn't this a kinder way of ending a relationship than blunt honesty... e.g. you're getting fat, zapping all my energy, and you're just no fun anymore.

Anyone else a fan of false-excuses for fast breakups?

La Di Da. Look at me, I had a relationship.


Should we transfer this to the relationships forum :P :P

Lavinia

Yes I did. Hurt the guy for nothing, let other people influence me.
I'm really sorry fr that one, he was great guy and treated me really nicely.
He asked why, and I just said "cause you were not gentle enough"
Have no idea where it came from, the guy was as gentle as one could possibly be.

groucho marx

It's not me it's you

A Tyrant Named Miltiades!

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I broke-up with the OH today. We've only been dating for six months, so it wasn't an LTR or anything, but things have been strained between us for a while.

I hate break-ups, and the 'negative appraisal' couples tend to give to one another at the end of a relationship... "You're too clingy"... "No, you're too coldhearted"... "No, you're just too demanding"... UGH. Spare me.

So today, I saw my chance to get out. I blew out of all proportion some very petty bickering about borrowing my car without telling me, culminating with me breaking-off the relationship, packing my stuff, and severing all social media ties (drastic, right?)

I realize this makes me seem like a histrionic dickhead, which would be true if it were the reason for ending things. But isn't this a kinder way of ending a relationship than blunt honesty... e.g. you're getting fat, zapping all my energy, and you're just no fun anymore.

Anyone else a fan of false-excuses for fast breakups?

Or you could just do it honestly and respectfully?

Miss Demeanour

groucho marx wrote: »

It's not me it's you

It's not you.....oh yeah it is.....soz.

Penny Tration

Penny Tration wrote: »

Just be honest. You can be honest without being a dick - "Look, I just don't feel the same anymore." you don't have to say WHY you don't feel the same

Nobody in the history of break-ups is ever happy with "Just because".

If I gave the real reasons, I'd have to be say some pretty hurtful criticisms,

I'm sure there's an effigy of me being burned around a few glasses of wine tonight, but fcuk it, isn't it better to be absent from such criticism, than to sit and listen to your boyfriend tell you it's over, you're too fat, too clingy, and he doesn't even like you anymore? (just examples)

I think it's kinder this way.

I'm sure it's quite common, actually.

Penny Tration

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Nobody in the history of break-ups is ever happy with "Just because".

If I gave the real reasons, I'd have to be say some pretty hurtful criticisms,

I'm sure there's an effigy of me being burned around a few glasses of wine tonight, but fcuk it, isn't it better to be absent from such criticism, than to sit and listen to your boyfriend tell you he doesn't even like you anymore?

I think it's kinder this way.

I'm sure it's quite common, actually.

They may not be happy with "i just don't feel it anymore," but they're not entitled to more. at least it's honest.

No, being a bellend to someone isn't kinder. If that's common, I despair. When I've been dumped, they've at least had the good grace to be honest with me.

Fr_Dougal

"I've joined the priesthood "

CINCLANTFLT

"I came in your dad"

goz83

You've got the clap

Sir Osis of Liver.

Don't know you OP but you took a cowards way out.


Real men say it straight.

Dr Turk Turkelton

goz83 wrote: »

You've got the clap

And will ya tell your sister so has she.

goz83

goz83 wrote: »

You've got the clap

Reminds me of a conversation I once heard in a cafe in Toulouse between two French girls.

One of the girls had been dumped, and maybe cheated upon, and they were having a few drinks to get over it.

The dumped girl dropped the remainder of the wine into her gob, and with a big Gallic shrug, announced without a care in the world "bref, je lui ai donné la gale"... ("sure, I gave him scabies, anyway")

Two Tone

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Nobody in the history of break-ups is ever happy with "Just because".

If I gave the real reasons, I'd have to be say some pretty hurtful criticisms,

I'm sure there's an effigy of me being burned around a few glasses of wine tonight, but fcuk it, isn't it better to be absent from such criticism, than to sit and listen to your boyfriend tell you it's over, you're too fat, too clingy, and he doesn't even like you anymore? (just examples)

I think it's kinder this way.

I'm sure it's quite common, actually.

I see the point you are making but nah, think it was cowardly. If you told the truth and said you were not attracted to her anymore, she might find it harsh but that's for her to deal with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with ending things with someone if you are no longer attracted to them. It's the absolute right thing to do obviously.
A lame-ass reason can be quite easy to see through too.

Keane2baMused

Wow OP, I'm sure you'll end up on her 'one that got away' list.

How old are you that you don't have the stones to end things properly, and amicably?

Keane2baMused

Keane2baMused wrote: »

How old are you that you don't have the stones to end things properly, and amicably?

How old are you that you feel the need to question someone's 'stones' on a bulletin board?

I make no apologies for trying to spare another person's feelings. I know my ex, and I know that personal criticism would lead to a personal crisis. I'm happy being the bad guy, and I'm suggesting in this thread that unwavering honesty is sometimes a bit pointless, or unnecessarily hurtful.

Keane2baMused

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

How old are you that you feel the need to question someone's 'stones' on a bulletin board?

I make no apologies for trying to spare another person's feelings. I know my ex, and I know that personal criticism would lead to a personal crisis. I'm happy being the bad guy, and I'm suggesting in this thread that unwavering honesty is sometimes a bit pointless, or unnecessarily hurtful.

Eh who said you need to go into all of the hurtful details?

It's not working out for me, I feel the relationship has completely run its course and Ive decided it's best we split. All the best blah blah

No need to tell a girl you think she is fat as being the only way to be "honest"

Adyx

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

How old are you that you feel the need to question someone's 'stones' on a bulletin board?

I make no apologies for trying to spare another person's feelings. I know my ex, and I know that personal criticism would lead to a personal crisis. I'm happy being the bad guy, and I'm suggesting in this thread that unwavering honesty is sometimes a bit pointless, or unnecessarily hurtful.

So you start a thread suggesting a viewpoint,implying you want to start a discussion on said viewpoint, then someone else posts an opposing viewpoint so you question if he is old enough to post on a bulletin board? Do you even understand what a discussion/bulletin board is?

Keane2baMused

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Eh who said you need to go into all of the hurtful details?

It's not working out for me, I feel the relationship has completely run its course and Ive decided it's best we split. All the best blah blah

No need to tell a girl you think she is fat as being the only way to be "honest"

If you've ever broken-up with someone, especially a person with insecurities, you'll know that they will persist in drawing-out every inner motivation for the break-up, in painful detail... often to corroborate their own dissatisfaction with themselves... "I'm getting too fat, aren't I? I knew it. You bastard"

False excuses save us all the heartache. I for one have no regrets. I only wish more people would see this for the kindness it is.

Adyx wrote: »

So you start a thread suggesting a viewpoint,implying you want to start a discussion on said viewpoint, then someone else posts an opposing viewpoint

Questioning your age and "your stones" is not an "opposing viewpoint".

Plenty of people have posted opposing viewpoints, all of them with legitimate and thoughtful rationale. I have no problem with those people at all.

Questioning your "stones" when you are genuinely motivated by kindness, is a different matter.

Adyx

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

If you've ever broken-up with someone, especially a person with insecurities, you'll know that they will persist in drawing-out every inner motivation for the break-up, in painful detail... often to corroborate their own dissatisfaction with themselves... "I'm getting too fat, aren't I? I knew it. You bastard"

False excuses save us all the heartache. I for one have no regrets. I only wish more people would see this for the kindness it is.

Questioning your age and "your stones" is not an "opposing viewpoint".

Plenty of people have posted opposing viewpoints, all of them with legitimate and thoughtful rationale. I have no problem with those people at all.

Questioning your "stones" when you are genuinely motivated by kindness, is a different matter.

I don't agree with the phrasing (in fairness) but the intent is legitimate I think. To me, making excuses like that is for your own benefit rather than to spare the feelings of the other person. I do appreciate your intentions but you might as well claim you cheated on her so she'll dump you. It seems very teenager-ish and nobody wins either way.

If you're both adults, tell her the truth, let her deal with it as best she can and move on. Better for both of ye in the long run.

Keane2baMused

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

If you've ever broken-up with someone, especially a person with insecurities, you'll know that they will persist in drawing-out every inner motivation for the break-up, in painful detail... often to corroborate their own dissatisfaction with themselves... "I'm getting too fat, aren't I? I knew it. You bastard"

False excuses save us all the heartache. I for one have no regrets. I only wish more people would see this for the kindness it is.

Questioning your age and "your stones" is not an "opposing viewpoint".

Plenty of people have posted opposing viewpoints, all of them with legitimate and thoughtful rationale. I have no problem with those people at all.

Questioning your "stones" when you are genuinely motivated by kindness, is a different matter.

How on earth is essentially orchestrating a major row then packing up and leaving classed as kindness?? That sounds delusional.

You're very sensitive over what is a commonly used, tongue-in-cheek term.

If I said do you not have the decency is that better?

And no, I have never broken up with a woman but I have broken up with men. One in particular who was a piece of work and even he had (a little) more class than that in our breakup.

rojito

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I broke-up with the OH today. We've only been dating for six months, so it wasn't an LTR or anything, but things have been strained between us for a while.

I hate break-ups, and the 'negative appraisal' couples tend to give to one another at the end of a relationship... "You're too clingy"... "No, you're too coldhearted"... "No, you're just too demanding"... UGH. Spare me.

So today, I saw my chance to get out. I blew out of all proportion some very petty bickering about borrowing my car without telling me, culminating with me breaking-off the relationship, packing my stuff, and severing all social media ties (drastic, right?)

I realize this makes me seem like a histrionic dickhead, which would be true if it were the reason for ending things. But isn't this a kinder way of ending a relationship than blunt honesty... e.g. you're getting fat, zapping all my energy, and you're just no fun anymore.

Anyone else a fan of false-excuses for fast breakups?

I`ve been there OP, not that im proud of it, but in my case when the relationship was one-sided to begin with, and not on my side. I could have handled things a bit better no doubt and the times (2) it has happened to me I have gone back a bit later and explained myself better and ended up as friends with the people in question.

Cathy.C

No girl would believe a guy would break up with her over her taking his car without permission.

So I would say she is thinking you met someone else and just haven't the guts to tell her or that you just don't fancy her anymore.

There's no way she believes you left her for the reasons you told her you did. No chance.

The flying mouse

I understand OP where your coming from, if you know your partner well then a few white lies to make it easier is ok by me, when the dust settles maybe then you can explain things in a better way, all this just be blunt and honest in a breakup is sometimes not the best way to go,especially if you think the other half mighten be able to take it or is blind to the fact that you two are not getting along at all.

arayess

I am with the OP here.
posters jumping on the OP dont seem to be living in the real world.
anytime I have gone down the polite kind way I have had to suffer tears , wailing and demands for closure with a 100 questions.
So I try to be nice and be adult but I end up pissed off.
fcuk off. start row and run.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

When I'd decided to end it, I said there'd be no amateur dramatics, I'd sit her down and say it to her face and be a man about it. And I did. I asked her "guess which one of my ex's sounds like an owl?"

She replied "who?"

I just nodded at her, picked up my suitcase and walked out of the apartment.

Speedwell

I haven't broken up with a partner for a spurious reason, but each time I have broken up with someone, I did it without listing every bloody goddamn reason why I was leaving. One big, true reason was usually enough in each case and the ex knew much of the rest without me having to say. "I'm tired of being a punching bag." "I don't want to continue to be married to you while you explore your newfound same-sex attraction." "Since you're trying to fade away, please complete the process." In the last case, my ex was functional when I met him, but soon lost his job, then took two years to finish a one-year program in school, worked a few brief jobs, then ended up sitting in front of the computer in his underwear surfing porn and MRA websites and complaining to me that I didn't love him and I wasn't making him happy. Finally I agreed, "You know, you're right. I don't love you and I'm not making you happy. Can you move out by the end of the month?" He called me a few weeks later to see if I wanted to take him back. I said, "I don't love you and I didn't make you happy, remember?" And I hung up.

In these situations of personal relationships honesty is hugely underated. You can be honest without being offensive. There are things you can say, and things you don't have to say. Lying is unnecessary, a sign of weak character.

Having integrity is giving yourself a gift of a richer more ethical existence, a real substance and character, and that will matter hugely as you look back on your life and its meaning. Life is ridiculously short.

whiskeyman

groucho marx wrote: »

It's not me it's you

Well actually, it's your friend with the waaaayyy bigger tits!

o1s1n

"I'm married to the sea,"

Your Face

No, I'm not a coward.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

You can be honest without being offensive. There are things you can say, and things you don't have to say. Lying is unnecessary, a sign of weak character.

I d believe the lines are far more blurred than this simplistic epistle might suggest.

On the one hand, you claim you can be honest without being offensive. True.

But then, you add the mysterious proviso, "there are things you don't have to say"... in other words, you're suggesting it is honest to advance some criticisms, and downplay others, which is a relative exaggeration of the stated reasons for the break-up; in short, a mistruth... a lie.

I do not subscribe to the idea that unwavering honesty is necessary in all situations, especially if the other person is of a very excitable character, or has a level of intelligence which would cause them an unnecessary or exaggerated sense of personal anguish.

In this case, I simply neglected to mention the hurtful reasons for the breakup, and instead advanced a relatively minor reason. I didn't lie, exactly, I simply omitted to give the real reasons.

This is closer to what you're suggesting is ethical than you might care to admit.

Keane2baMused

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I do not subscribe to the idea that unwavering honesty is necessary in all situations, especially if the other person is of a very excitable character, or has a level of intelligence which would cause them an unnecessary or exaggerated sense of personal anguish.

Wow, just wow.

OP you have actually done a huge favour for this girl. Kudos.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

All you have to say is "I want to break up, I don't feel the same any more, I'm not happy. I'm sorry, but I've thought it over and I'm not changing my mind" and then be a grown up and don't get drawn into a big dissection. Leave and do the whole blocked on social media, phone etc thing. It'll be hard, but she will get over it. And in twenty years you probably won't pop into her head occasionally as "what the fcuk happened there and what was the real reason he left, because OBVIOUSLY he didn't leave because of an argument over a car".

No kindness to her at all, her head must be in bits right now. Very kind to yourself though, though I'm not sure how it's easier to fake your way through a hissy fit than sit down and talk for twenty minutes.

You're weird!

ToddyDoody

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I realize this makes me seem like a histrionic dickhead, which would be true if it were the reason for ending things. But isn't this a kinder way of ending a relationship than blunt honesty... e.g. you're getting fat, zapping all my energy, and you're just no fun anymore.

Ever consider printing a few of these type of articles out with 'the end is nigh' written as a banner and passing them on?

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/7-things-men-want-in-a-relationship-jgc/

Who needs blunt messages when you have Google.

JustAThought

Gosh - the truth hurts - thats why you sometimes don't use it. For a few months of a relationship you don't want to damage someone by saying you've discovered they have the meanness of a snake but hid it so well you're only seeing their true selves now & cannot bear to be in a room with them watching them scab rounds & refuse to ever find their purse or pay their way. Or that have the mind & morals of a sewer rat but hid it so well you're only just noticing. Or that you do have a difficulty with that wierd thing they always insist on doing that is so personally disturbing & revolting. Or that they look so astonishingly different in their sweats & ehem 'natural ' state that you cannot reconcile that they are even the same person.

So yes - I'm with the OP. Simetimes its kinder to say its just not working /you stole my car I can never trust you again / you're very nice I'm just in love with my ex & cut your losses.

kumate_champ07

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I broke-up with the OH today. We've only been dating for six months, so it wasn't an LTR or anything, but things have been strained between us for a while.

it wasnt a long term relationship buy she was part of you/your other half? are you incomplete now?

JustAThought

JustAThought wrote: »

Gosh - the truth hurts - thats why you sometimes don't use it. For a few months of a relationship you don't want to damage someone by saying you've discovered they have the meanness of a snake but hid it so well you're only seeing their true selves now & cannot bear to be in a room with them watching them scab rounds & refuse to ever find their purse or pay their way. Or that have the mind & morals of a sewer rat but hid it so well you're only just noticing. Or that you do have a difficulty with that wierd thing they always insist on doing that is so personally disturbing & revolting. Or that they look so astonishingly different in their sweats & ehem 'natural ' state that you cannot reconcile that they are even the same person.

Totally agree.

Obviously if it were a longer-term relationship, or a marriage, there needs to be a fuller and more honest discussion.

But sometimes people turn-out to have personalities and traits that are simply undesirable, or not what you expected. Rather than character-assasinate someone and hurt their feelings, it's sometimes best to just make an excuse and leave, and put it down to experience.

kumate_champ07 wrote: »

it wasnt a long term relationship buy she was part of you/your other half? are you incomplete now?

It's simply a figure of speech.

A Tyrant Named Miltiades!

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Totally agree.

Obviously if it were a longer-term relationship, or a marriage, there needs to be a fuller and more honest discussion.

But sometimes people turn-out to have personalities and traits that are simply undesirable, or not what you expected. Rather than character-assasinate someone and hurt their feelings, it's sometimes best to just make an excuse and leave, and put it down to experience.


It's simply a figure of speech.

Except you don't need to character assasinate someone, nor do you need to come up with a mad excuse about being angry your car was taken without your permission and orchestrating a row between you both.

How about this;
You "I think we need to talk"
Her "Oh. Is something wrong"?
You "Well yeah. Something is wrong. Look you are a great girl but my feelings have changed. We need to break up".
Her *tears, hysterics, lots of questions, blaa blaa blaa blaa*
You "Look I don't have the answers for you. It's something I've been mulling over in my head and I really feel like it's the best thing. This isn't anything you've done or haven't done. I've just fallen out of love with you".

That's it. You say what you want to say in as kind and direct a manner as you can without getting dragged in to her emotions. It takes maturity to be able to sit down with a person and tell them that you are ending the relationship.

Any other way is the actions of a coward.

wakka12

Penny Tration wrote: »

That's actually a really sh!tty way to treat someone. Nasty, man.


Just be honest. You can be honest without being a dick - "Look, I just don't feel the same anymore." you don't have to say WHY you don't feel the same, just reiterate that you don't think it's gonna work and your feelings have changed.

Engineering a fight to dump her has probably hurt her more than just telling her you're not feeling it would.

You have no idea what would hurt her more. Im sure a lot of people would be more comforted knowing their relationship ended because of a fight rather than something wrong with themselves such as appearance or personality traits.

wakka12

wakka12 wrote: »

You have no idea what would hurt her more. Im sure a lot of people would be more comforted knowing their relationship ended because of a fight rather than something wrong with themselves such as appearance or personality traits.

Giving appearance and personality traits as reasons isn't the best way either.

Jaysus what happened to a bit of tact and kindness. Are some people really incapable of offering those?

wakka12

Deleted User wrote: »

Giving appearance and personality traits as reasons isn't the best way either.

Jaysus what happened to a bit of tact and kindness. Are some people really incapable of offering those?

Yeh I agree, but some people were saying its kinder to say truthfully why you don't like them anymore rather than making excuses.

Keane2baMused

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Giving appearance and personality traits as reasons isn't the best way either.

Jaysus what happened to a bit of tact and kindness. Are some people really incapable of offering those?

Let's not forget, OP has 'saved' this girl the torment of wondering why.

It amazes me what some people will convince themselves.

WoolyJumper

arayess wrote: »

I am with the OP here.
posters jumping on the OP dont seem to be living in the real world.
anytime I have gone down the polite kind way I have had to suffer tears , wailing and demands for closure with a 100 questions.
So I try to be nice and be adult but I end up pissed off.
fcuk off. start row and run.

Giving closure is the nice thing to do, especially if you cared at all about them. As tedious and frustrating it is to go through all the questions and tears (i've been there) leaving a person knowing they never have a chance of getting back together can make the whole getting over it process easier. Leaving after a row is going to leave the person completely confused, probably go to every bad place they can think of and worst of all leave them with hope that ye might get back together. Which just makes the moving on process much longer/harder.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

Giving appearance and personality traits as reasons isn't the best way either.

So... don't give the real reasons?

Give vague answers that leaves the other person wondering what really happened?

Right now, my ex thinks I'm a bollox who flipped out over a car, and I guarantee you is not self-obsessing (which would have been the case if I raised personal criticisms... I know because we dated and self-confidence is part of the problem).

As I type, a herd of my ex's tedious friends is probably congregating over a gallon of Blossom Hill, like frisky heifers at the salt-lick, talking about what a bollox I am and how it's better this way.

I'm happy to take that bullet for a quiet life. I don't believe in this slavish devotion of being honest about how disappointed you are with a person's personality, once you get to know them.

Again, this wasn't a long-term relationship.

WoolyJumper wrote: »

Leaving after a row is going to leave the person completely confused, probably go to every bad place they can think of and worst of all leave them with hope that ye might get back together. Which just makes the moving on process much longer/harder.

That's a good point in fairness, one I hadn't actually considered.

wakka12

wakka12 wrote: »

Yeh I agree, but some people were saying its kinder to say truthfully why you don't like them anymore rather than making excuses.

I don't think it's kind to say things like "you have enough baggage to fill the carousel in Dublin airport twenty times over and you wreck my head" or "I'm no longer attracted to you because you've put on weight. I don't want to have sex with you".

That's cruel and unnecessary. So is orchestrating a row over a non existent issue. Break ups can be handled without picking every flaw of the other person's and without big dramatic exists. There is simply no need for it.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

That's cruel and unnecessary. So is orchestrating a row over a non existent issue. Break ups can be handled without picking every flaw of the other person's and without big dramatic exists. There is simply no need for it.

I think you're painting a picture of some perfect break-up which is contrary to the protracted, uncomfortable, and eventually caustic experience that most people would be familiar with, regardless how well-intentioned "the chat" begins.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but they just never end well.

A Tyrant Named Miltiades!

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I think you're painting a picture of some perfect break-up which is contrary to the protracted, uncomfortable, and eventually caustic experience that most people would be familiar with, regardless how well-intentioned "the chat" begins.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but they just never end well.

Oh listen I've been the girl in hysterics and I've been the one on the other side causing them.

Break ups are horrible. The example I gave may have been a little perfect. I was I guess trying to show a different way. One that doesn't require your actions but nor does it require outright honesty which may cause further hurt.

You start off with the hope of having a good intentioned talk. Where it goes is dependent upon both of you, in particular the breaker upper (new word!). I think maybe you were scared of the girl questioning you too much about your reasons and not being able to handle her hurt.

Hurt is inevitable but it can be lessened in your approach.

Speedwell

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I think you're painting a picture of some perfect break-up which is contrary to the protracted, uncomfortable, and eventually caustic experience that most people would be familiar with, regardless how well-intentioned "the chat" begins.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but they just never end well.

You're doing it wrong. If it's the right thing for one of you, then it's the right thing for both of you. You should always compassionately and intelligently point out a benefit for the other person. "I can't be with someone who needs to explore their sexuality with other people, and it's not fair to you to be tied down to a single person who insists you be exclusive", for example. Or, "I can see you're very depressed and nonfunctional, and I have done everything I can for you and it's not working. Clearly being with me is not helping you be the kind of person you want to be, and you deserve a chance to be that person." Or even, "I'm just not attracted to you anymore and I have no motivation to recover that attraction, and I'm not going to put you through the hell of doing everything you can think of to make me want you again". Don't say, for example, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, but I have this friend who's really into you"; that's not a benefit, that's just crass.

Edit: If you are in a situation in which you and/or your kids are being abused by your partner, then get the hell gone and don't even talk about it. There is no point empathising with an abuser and trying to point out a benefit for them. They will only take advantage of your attempt to be nice. The rules are different.