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Coming out - some advice?
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Originally posted by DeVore
I wouldnt tell my parents if I were you , certainly not till college as you say. In fact I wouldnt tell anyone at this juncture but then I'm not you.
I think the guy has made his mind up about letting people know. For years not telling people made me miserable. Sometimes people just need to be set er .. uhm straight
since you'll get mates trying to set you up with girls and girls in your class/year/job making passes and getting pissed off when you reject them.
One thing I would be very careful about is meeting someone for intimacy. Frankly, dont, unless you know them. ... but its also potentially predatory.
This is very good advice. Well said Dev
Why do you feel a need to tell anyone? I know people want to come out of the closet etc but I think if you are really cool with it you'd just be comfortable with your sexuality and tell people if they ask.
Coming out does not necessarily mean getting an airplane to write it on the sky for all to see. Coming out is telling your best friend who tells you personal stuff too. Its making yourself more comfortable around friends. For me it was an honesty thing. Not saying stuff can be dishonest too.
If you really know what way you are inclined its good to let your friends know. If you wait for someone to ask you before saying anything people might never asked you. I have never been asked.
One last thing, dont dismiss the idea that you might just be going through a phase.
And it was all going so well until then. Oh Dev, shame shame shame !This is such an ignorant answer in my opinion. I take it as an insult when people seem to question something that a decision like this means. Its not as if the idea occured to the person and without examining this they leapt for the gay lifestyle.
I questioned myself 100s of times a day for gods sake. Other may not have but I really did make sure I knew before telling the world.
Not all women turn all guys on you know!
How about none at all ? I don't think not getting turned on by women makes you gay or makes you decide to come out. You know it might also have something to do with you wanting to get it on with guys.
So give both sides a chance rather then forcing yourself into either one...
Is it really forcing yourself ? Have you followed this advice yourself ? You tried it with both teams ? If you are unsure then yes seeing how you go with both sexes is a good idea. If the person has made up their mind then cool, let them be who they are. And you can go back you know You are allowed to change youe mind. 0 -
Seriously though, I'll n'th the "be really careful" thing because that genie doesnt go back in that bottle.
Definitely be careful. One the word is out, it is out.I wouldnt tell my parents if I were you , certainly not till college as you say. In fact I wouldnt tell anyone at this juncture but then I'm not you.
Family...noooo...don't tell until you are much much older. As for other people...hmmm. I told my best friend when I was 15..only cos I trusted her implicitly. To this days we're still best friends. Thats testament to how trustworthy I thought she was. If you have a friend like that, go for it. Just be sure its someone you can trust with anything.One thing I would be very careful about is meeting someone for intimacy. Frankly, dont, unless you know them.
Good advice from DeV. Speaking from experience, wait a while for that. Nothing more to addWhy do you feel a need to tell anyone? I know people want to come out of the closet etc but I think if you are really cool with it you'd just be comfortable with your sexuality and tell people if they ask.
Thats a tough one. Me: I just wasn't being honest with the important people in my life. Thats why I had to tell my friend. That feeling is one that weighs heavily and can't be underestimated. It hard to understand unless you've been there.One last thing, dont dismiss the idea that you might just be going through a phase. Not all women turn all guys on you know!
Everyone is an individual. I knew from the start what I was, but not everyone does - but take your time...if you are gay, it's not going to go anywhere
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Nookieing? Eh, sure DeVOriginally posted by DeVore:
Oi! Swiss, Dave! No nookieing! Back in yer closets!
I'd just like to jump on the no to naughty things brigade. At your age, it seems an ideal time to experiment, but as DeV mentioned there is sometimes a predatory element. Some men (and it does not matter if they are straight or gay) are simply not to be trusted, and others are quite promiscuous, which can carry it's own (inherent) dangers.
I don't mean to scare you off (I do that to enough guys
) but I have to say that there are some guys that like to prey on youth and (forgive me for saying this) innocence. I'm not saying your clueless or anything, but at your age I doubt your intimately acquainted with gay society. Most guys are nice/supportive etc but the desperate ones sometimes need to be handled at arms length.Originally posted by yellum:
This is such an ignorant answer in my opinion. I take it as an insult when people seem to question something that a decision like this means.
My reaction to this isn't as strong as yellums, but my attitude is roughly the same. Some people among my acquaintance continually try to convince me that I am not gay, that I am bisexual, and point to something I've done in the not-so-recent past or some comment that I've passed that could indicate I'm heterosexual, to the point where I have to choose my answers carefully, for example
A: Do you find X (some female model) attractive?
Me: (Thinking) I would consider her good looking, but I personally would not be attracted to her.
This can get annoying at times, for the reasons yellum mentioned. When I was NoelRock's age I bloody convinced myself almost every day that I was straight. I even took DeVores line of reasoning, that it was a phase, that I could grow (or will myself) out of. Did a damn good job of it too, until it became so utterly obvious to myself that I was gay and no amount of mollycoddling around the issue would not change that. So why people can't just accept my assurances of my sexuality at face value is sometimes beyond me, and it disappoints (rather than angers) me.0 -
Yeah... haven't gotten it quite as bad cause i'm bi, but one guy who found out that i was *subtley* arranged to meet all my and his friends in town to go to his 18th <without me>. Where I ran into them all. Oh the fun! ;p
Another friend has asked me one or two times whether i really was but now he knows that i've had some <mild> gay experiences he's stopped. Still best friends...
So... I dunno. Gotta be mildly optimistic on this. I didn't really know/like the guy who was homophobic and even he's come to accept that it's "alright if it's kept to themselves" so.. slowly they all learn. 0 -
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Thanks Bob, I'm honored.
I'm Bisexual my self, pretty damn sure about it.
But if I was fully gay, I wouldn't ever come out where I live.
Sligo. o_O
I think I'd be dead or insane before the day was out.
I'm 15 in a secondary school in the backwaters of sligo.
Hell even my friends (only 3 of which go to my school) who are the most open minded people my age I could find in sligo where surprised when I told them I was
And as one of the guys lordsippa speaks of, come to me my love! We're to far apart! and I've been thinking of trenchcoats and shotguns lately! booyah!0 -
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Don't feed the trolls I suppose.
The responses from the people my age are certainly encouraging
. I hope my friends are as open-minded as all of yours, I really do.
Ah well LordSippa - (s)he isn't even brave enough to log in, so my respect for that person is already well into the negative figures. (Sorry about the 18th birthday thing - sounds a bit cruel!)
It's comforting to know that there are others around my age in the same boat as me ! Cheers all, any more advice? This seems to be fast-becoming a resource for many contemplating their sexuality... and if we can help just one person in the future ^_^ then we've done a great job I'd think. 0 -
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Originally posted by NoelRock
Don't feed the trolls I suppose.
Cheers all, any more advice?
What ye want.. a book?Originally posted by NoelRock
This seems to be fast-becoming a resource for many contemplating their sexuality... and if we can help just one person in the future ^_^ then we've done a great job I'd think.
Give us a GLB board dev <|:~)0 -
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Join Date:Posts: 29920
Ok, back to defend my poor off the cuff comment.
Ok, if this was a 30 year old man who was miserable because he was gay and wanted to tell people I wouldnt question.
However, people here have made pretty fast judgements about their sexuality if they are only 15.
I remember when I was 15 I'd have shagged anything with an orifice to put it bluntly. So, in asking "are you sure" I mean just that. Are You Sure?
If your answer is "man, I've never been more sure of anything" then hey, cool, knock yerself out and I'd never ask again.
But if by the age of 18 you are trying to convince everyone that you ARENT gay its a LOT tougher as one user point out above.
Ironically I'd ask someone the same question if were out and decided they were hetro... not that that happens too often!
Anyway, this thread has done more to convince me that we should have a GLB board then all the threads on admin. I need to sort out the tech but yeah I think it should be a useful resource if monitored correctly.
DeV.0 -
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Originally posted by STaN
What ye want.. a book?
I actually have a book called 'Coming Out' - it's not too great and seems to be moreso biased toward lesbians :P.
The 'any more advice?' was a bit of a generic response - I just got used to saying it on this thread! 0 -
Originally posted by DeVore:
Anyway, this thread has done more to convince me that we should have a GLB board then all the threads on admin. I need to sort out the tech but yeah I think it should be a useful resource if monitored correctly
Oh, didn't expect this tbh. You've made up for the injudicious (for some) "phase" remark.
I refer you to a certain thread in admin for ideas on charters, stickies and mods. If you've got any concerns or questions, umm post. 0 -
Join Date:Posts: 29920
To be honest I never had a problem with the idea, just the execution. I think we still need to wait for VB3 to assist the admins from getting a truck load of work out of the board (which is something we monitor quite a bit... how much work is this new option/board/whatever going to take from our most precious resource... Admin spare time)
I stand by my "phrase" and would expect that anyone in their teens take a long hard look at anything they do that can have life time repercussions (from tattoos to leaving school early etc).
I think the charter you proposed is grand Swiss and I would expect that you will get a call up as one of the mods anyway!
I've tried all my life to see people for what they are not the group they represent. Thats lead me to being called a racist, fascist, homophobe, hippy, leftist and just about everyother type of ist there is because some people are just cnnts but criticising them (or indeed the actions of a number of people in that set) confuses people who DO think about people in terms of their grouping first and their individual actions second. </muse>
Anyway, I think PI is turning into a success as clearly its helping at least some people with issues they couldnt otherwise discuss and I'd like to thank the mods for their diligence under fire
I'd be interested to hear from the thread starter (Noel isnt it?) what he thinks of this thread now and if its helped him and if so how...
DeV.0 -
Hey Dev,
The advice has been superlative - and I think I'll have something of a result to present to you all on Saturday. Right now though, I'm just holding out and dropping hints...
I also made two other posts just before you
didn't you notice? I am alive and kicking you know - just like the Bertie Bowl 
.
Well done on your outlook of things... don't worry, I won't call you a nazi or racist or whatnot ... someone called me that (nazi) on my forum before and I really took it to heart :mad: .
Anyway, in conclusion (it's ending?!?) the thread has helped endlessly in helping me cope and getting different peoples views. I look forward to the introduction of an LGB board and hope a decent team of well-rounded moderators are put in place to ensure a safe, warm environment for gay people, young people, and those who are just curious ^_^.0 -
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I stand by my "phrase" and would expect that anyone in their teens take a long hard look at anything they do that can have life time repercussions (from tattoos to leaving school early etc).
Just to back this up, Dev is completely right and he's not being condescending in a yore-ma-sez-its-just-a-phase sort of way, although I can see why people would take that meaning from it. People do stupid things when they're teenagers - well, they do stupid things all the time, but especially when they're teenagers. Sometimes you need to be circumspect and think things over carefully before taking decisions which can change your life. If I had a cent for everyone I know who's left school on a teenage whim and regretted it hugely five years down the line...
That being said - and it's important to say it - there's a big difference between someone who's confused about their sexuality and someone who knows they're gay. Rule of thumb - if you think you might be gay, you're not. If you're positively certain that you're gay, then well, yeah, you are.
Like everyone said, this doesn't mean you run up to random people in the street and tell them... But, well, one of the hardest things to do in any situation like this is to be totally honest and open with yourself...
I'm kinda chuffed - although not particularly surprised - with how mature everyone on boards is being about this thread and others like it. I'm sure we have a few neanderthals who are now terrified by the fact that they've been talking on an internet forum with gay people on it all along.... STEALTH GAY PEOPLE, INFECTING THE INTER-SUPER-HIGHWAY-NET-WEB! .... But I think the almost total lack of trolling here and the fact that moderators haven't had to intervene at all (afaik) proves that maybe there is a place on boards.ie for sensible, mature discussion of "adult" issues such as this...
By the way, I get called a nazi roughly every 27 seconds by someone, somewhere. 0 -
He couldn't accept the fact there were actually gay people... he though it was an urban legend or something
I haven't commented on this thread NoelRock because quite frankly I know very little about what you're going through, I can only imagine how hard and tough it must be. However, the above comment which OrangeRhino posted has completely surprised me, how, in this day and age could a young man really think this (60 year olds I can understand would not have a clue) but for a teenager to be so out of the loop really and truly surprises me. My 14 year old daughter said to me the other day, 'what would you say to me if I said I was a lesbian?' (she said she was not but was just wondering what my reaction would be, testing me perhaps? I don't believe she is as there has been too many comments about cute boys etc...) I told her I wasn't bothered either way and to do whatever makes you happy, after all, isn't that what every parent wants? for their kids to be happy, everything else is secondary to that.
I have no hugh advice for you, only to say I know how cruel teenagers can be (my daughter is finding life a bit difficult at the moment, it's hard to find a real friend to trust, she is finding it hard to work out who she can call a true friend, they seem to change their minds as often as the weather) so it would be wise to think long and hard about who you tell.
I wish you the best of luck 0 -
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I have just started college and face the prospect of 'Comming out' to my new class (40) and my new college 800+ ?
Well i dropped a few hints, in that i know about the gay bars and their names 'Candy' etc.
Im not sure how receptive they'll but if they dont like it im sure others wont mind. We'll see how it goes
. Ill join the GLB society though, which should be fun
Hopefully it will go ok, and people who may be as homophobic as those scary clowns dont think i was talking to them cause i fancied them Just fearing a mass rejection, or in general is college a, 'anything goes' type thing? 0 -
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Originally posted by lordsippa
Is that a come on?
Well, by looking at his signature you get the impression that it could be...
"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
http://www.quake.ie/nD - We own your ass.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"
Hmmmm...0
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