Sick of bad luck

TattyTeddy

Happy?

Stark

Stop picking fights with people to test their love. Simple really.

TattyTeddy

Ya but that wasn't the only reason. Surely if things were ok I wouldn't have felt the need to pick fights?

aidan_walsh

TattyTeddy wrote:

That is such a ****ty thing to do in my opinion.

So was pretty much all of what you said you did.

Its not bad luck if its your own fault. You had no respect for him, you started fights for no reason (to prove how much he loved you? What version of reality are you living in?), you talked about breaking up with him (and are yet surprised when he gets in there ahead of you). Personally, I think he's probably better off.

simu

Learn from your mistakes and maybe things will go better next time.

secret_squirrel

TattyTeddy wrote:

Ya but that wasn't the only reason. Surely if things were ok I wouldn't have felt the need to pick fights?

Surely the fights are about your own insecurities as much as anything else? Some relationships seem to thrive on fights and others dont.

CathyMoran

Life can be very tough at times - you need to always look on the bright side. I do not know the details of what you feel is tough in your life and I do know that any nasty experience that you have not experienced and is harder for you than previous events before can be as horrible as anything in life. However, you have to look to the good points in everything.

In terms of your current issues - it is easy to test someone by encouraging rows...yes, they should be able to take some reasonable elevated discussions if they love you but some is different from a lot..yes, it takes two to tango BUT is it reasonable to expect someone to put up with rows the whole time, they are not nice and can lead to you not discussing anything. Instigating rows is just not a good idea - communication is essential in any relationship so that you can learn to trust. It is easy to put on a hard shell with people who un-nerve you - but then they may never get to know you properly which would be a pity.

TattyTeddy

Harsh words but true. Thanks Cathy. To be honest though, I admitted to him that I picked fights a bit and that I was sorry but do it without thinking. I think he kind of took advantage of that and treated me quite badly. I tried so hard not to play games and to be honest with him but I think we're quite similar.
In regards to bad luck, that was in my general life. I have had a whole lot of hardship in my life and I really am not a "pity me" person.

CathyMoran

TattyTeddy wrote:

Harsh words but true. Thanks Cathy. To be honest though, I admitted to him that I picked fights a bit and that I was sorry but do it without thinking. I think he kind of took advantage of that and treated me quite badly. I tried so hard not to play games and to be honest with him but I think we're quite similar.
In regards to bad luck, that was in my general life. I have had a whole lot of hardship in my life and I really am not a "pity me" person.

I have been there...I lost someone I loved because I was a "rollarcoaster" at the time. All that you can do is learn - it took me the loss of my first love 8 years ago to see it. What age are you btw? Sorry, not trying to seem cruel but time does change people.

There are unhealthy relationships where the other person can make you feel bad about yourself and make you feel guilty about reasonable gripes then dump you when you are not totally dependent on them...does this ring any bells?

In terms of life in general - I do think that a healthy dark sense of humour helps at even the toughest of times. My life could have been easier also - I never knew how strong I was until someone commented that they could never have coped with what I have been through - when I went through the list I could not believe that I could have survived it either ...the thing is, you do and you learn.

derek27

i went out with a girl recently who wasn't too dissimilar from you.
when i met her first, i fancied her, thought she was lovely, so i got the courage up to ask her out. delighted when she accepted, we began to see each other quite often and everything seemed to be unfolding perfectly for a good relationship to evolve. as such, we began seeing each other more frequently and introduced each other to our families. we went everywhere together and i made more time for her than i did for my friends. we travelled around a lot of places in the country together too for days out. about 2 - 3 months into it, i had to return to college, so did she to UL. no problem, we could keep in touch over the net or phone, and still spend loads of time together at the weekends and holidays (we lived in the same town at weekends). this was fine with me, as there was no alternative, we had to return to college! but then things took on a bad turn. she rang me constantly during the week, asking me where i was, who i was with, what i was doin, to take days off college and go down and spend time with her in UL (which i actually did a number of times to keep her happy), and always always asking me for reassurance that i loved her on the phone. then crying and everything. i dont know what you think, but this was the most obsessive behaviour i ever came across in anybody in my life. at the weekends she'd come home and question my every action during the week, but i never had anything to hide, so i'd just answer her. she'd find some reason to start an argument anyway... so the weekends were spent arguing. crunch time came when i found out she was consulting with her friends in my college to keep an eye on me, and two of my friends told me that she had questions to ask about what i was doing during the week from them. now this was simply disgusting for me. so, i started the next argument... got on to her about the trust issue, which i asked her before and she said she trusted me. obviously she couldn't trust that her teddy bear at home wasn't walking around the room at night when she was asleep! ridiculous! i always trusted anybody i dated without any reservations... always gave me peace of mind and i think that there's no point worrying about your significant other doing anything out of the way... if they have it in them, they'll do it whether your worrying about it or not. so give everyone trust automatically, until they do something wrong and dont have yourself worrying about something that will probably never happen. so, after this, i started to passively lose my interest in her, i couldn't help it, i think she was just driving me away (and a little bit insane), and a week later, i broke up with her. remember it was me who wanted her in the first place and i thought she was great and all was going well until she started to behave like a crazed obsessive lunatic. she really drove me away. we got back together after a week or so when she promissed that she'd thought about everything a lot and realised her actions and thoughts were unwarranted. she hadn't changed anything so it only lasted a few days and i finished with her again. severed all ties this time, i wouldn't want her to be able to contact me again, therefore no chance of her crying me back to her.

so its not luck you are talking about here as in the header of your post, its consequences for your actions. not to imply that you were the entire reason for all of it, i dont know that, but if you want a relationship to work for you, you first need to find a guy who is looking for the same thing and that you dont have any serious conflicts of thought with, and then you have to let it work. dont mess around with peoples heads, it could seriously change their opinion of you, no matter what they thought of you in the first place. and i really think that asking someone to tell you they love you or other reassurance like that which you request is meaningless. people should be allowed to express their own emotions without others trying to program their minds to tell them what they want to hear. and they will. just because someone hasn't told you they love you after say oh 3-6 months of a relationship doesn't mean that they aren't developing those kind of feelings for you (maybe they wouldn't be either, but if you are in a good relationship, and all is going well after a few months, these feeling develop automatically with compatable couples). but if you ask them to tell you that they love you all the time, i believe that you should find no comfort in their answer if they sa 'yes, i love you', because there is nothing to say that they are only telling you what you want to hear to keep you happy.

next time you meet someone you like, if you want to improve your 'luck ', cut out the uncertainty, only upsetting yourself. takes time for you to build up trust in someone if you consider that you may want to have a long relationship with someone, but give people the benefit of the doubt... if they are untrustworthy you will discover that in a short period of time. dont acuse them at the outset. no problem to ask a question about their trustworthiness at the start, but leave it at that. remember, if they are that kind of person, they will do things behind your back whether you worry about it or not, so dont waste your thoughts on worrying. you'll be happier every day if you dont. try and find the right person too, if you have to really try hard to make a relationship work, its probably not worth it (not saying that about anyone who is having difficulties in a long standing relationship and is trying to resolve them; if it's long standing there is obviously more to keep you together than there is to see you break up, so work at it; get back to where you were before problems arose).

LundiMardi

derek27 wrote:

i went out with a girl recently who wasn't too dissimilar from you.
when i met her first, i fancied her, thought she was lovely, so i got the courage up to ask her out. delighted when she accepted, we began to see each other quite often and everything seemed to be unfolding perfectly for a good relationship to evolve. as such, we began seeing each other more frequently and introduced each other to our families. we went everywhere together and i made more time for her than i did for my friends. we travelled around a lot of places in the country together too for days out. about 2 - 3 months into it, i had to return to college, so did she to UL. no problem, we could keep in touch over the net or phone, and still spend loads of time together at the weekends and holidays (we lived in the same town at weekends). this was fine with me, as there was no alternative, we had to return to college! but then things took on a bad turn. she rang me constantly during the week, asking me where i was, who i was with, what i was doin, to take days off college and go down and spend time with her in UL (which i actually did a number of times to keep her happy), and always always asking me for reassurance that i loved her on the phone. then crying and everything. i dont know what you think, but this was the most obsessive behaviour i ever came across in anybody in my life. at the weekends she'd come home and question my every action during the week, but i never had anything to hide, so i'd just answer her. she'd find some reason to start an argument anyway... so the weekends were spent arguing. crunch time came when i found out she was consulting with her friends in my college to keep an eye on me, and two of my friends told me that she had questions to ask about what i was doing during the week from them. now this was simply disgusting for me. so, i started the next argument... got on to her about the trust issue, which i asked her before and she said she trusted me. obviously she couldn't trust that her teddy bear at home wasn't walking around the room at night when she was asleep! ridiculous! i always trusted anybody i dated without any reservations... always gave me peace of mind and i think that there's no point worrying about your significant other doing anything out of the way... if they have it in them, they'll do it whether your worrying about it or not. so give everyone trust automatically, until they do something wrong and dont have yourself worrying about something that will probably never happen. so, after this, i started to passively lose my interest in her, i couldn't help it, i think she was just driving me away (and a little bit insane), and a week later, i broke up with her. remember it was me who wanted her in the first place and i thought she was great and all was going well until she started to behave like a crazed obsessive lunatic. she really drove me away. we got back together after a week or so when she promissed that she'd thought about everything a lot and realised her actions and thoughts were unwarranted. she hadn't changed anything so it only lasted a few days and i finished with her again. severed all ties this time, i wouldn't want her to be able to contact me again, therefore no chance of her crying me back to her.

so its not luck you are talking about here as in the header of your post, its consequences for your actions. not to imply that you were the entire reason for all of it, i dont know that, but if you want a relationship to work for you, you first need to find a guy who is looking for the same thing and that you dont have any serious conflicts of thought with, and then you have to let it work. dont mess around with peoples heads, it could seriously change their opinion of you, no matter what they thought of you in the first place. and i really think that asking someone to tell you they love you or other reassurance like that which you request is meaningless. people should be allowed to express their own emotions without others trying to program their minds to tell them what they want to hear. and they will. just because someone hasn't told you they love you after say oh 3-6 months of a relationship doesn't mean that they aren't developing those kind of feelings for you (maybe they wouldn't be either, but if you are in a good relationship, and all is going well after a few months, these feeling develop automatically with compatable couples). but if you ask them to tell you that they love you all the time, i believe that you should find no comfort in their answer if they sa 'yes, i love you', because there is nothing to say that they are only telling you what you want to hear to keep you happy.

next time you meet someone you like, if you want to improve your 'luck ', cut out the uncertainty, only upsetting yourself. takes time for you to build up trust in someone if you consider that you may want to have a long relationship with someone, but give people the benefit of the doubt... if they are untrustworthy you will discover that in a short period of time. dont acuse them at the outset. no problem to ask a question about their trustworthiness at the start, but leave it at that. remember, if they are that kind of person, they will do things behind your back whether you worry about it or not, so dont waste your thoughts on worrying. you'll be happier every day if you dont. try and find the right person too, if you have to really try hard to make a relationship work, its probably not worth it (not saying that about anyone who is having difficulties in a long standing relationship and is trying to resolve them; if it's long standing there is obviously more to keep you together than there is to see you break up, so work at it; get back to where you were before problems arose).

Sorry i just can't read that.

To the OP, to be quite honest, grow up. It's no one's fault but your own that he broke up with you, if someone constantly picked fights with me for no reason then i'd break up with them in a second. This isn't bad luck.

What kind of of apology does he owe you exactly? You're the one who said you wanted to break up, it doesn't matter if you didn't mean it, you're the one who started petty fights. Are you really surprised by the outcome of all this?

Zulu

"Guys are full of crap" - yet when you find one you like, you pick fights with them to "test" their love. I can only assume you are in your early teens. How insecure do you think that makes them feel? Do you think they feel secure in your relationship.

Please take a moment to think about someone else. - thats the best advice I can give you.

Sleepy

Sounds like you got what you deserved tbh.

Look long and hard at yourself, get happy with who you are and then treat the next person you like with some respect.

Beruthiel

TattyTeddy wrote:

I suppose I instigated a lot of the fights to see how much he actually loved me

nobody want's to have their head fuked and you won't find many blokes ready to put up with such childish behaviour, the one's that do put up with it are probably doormats who haven't got the balls to tell you where to go.
you sound very young, let me give you a bit of advice, snap out of that behaviour asap.
If you are comfortable in a relationship you don't expect or need your b/f to jump through hoops to show he cares, until you realise that you are going to find it hard to keep anyone.

meditraitor

Sleepy wrote:

Sounds like you got what you deserved tbh.

Look long and hard at yourself, get happy with who you are and then treat the next person you like with some respect.

Couldnt say it better

DublinWriter

secret_squirrel wrote:

Surely the fights are about your own insecurities as much as anything else?

Damn, I was just going to say that.

No offence, but I would say you're quite young OP, perhaps in your late teens. Try experiencing something like the death of family member, losing a job, going bankrupt to define the term bad-luck.

When you play head-games like that with someone, then like all games, there will be a winner and a loser.

Don't blame others for your own shortcomings. Learn from it, move on.

AARRRGH

Exactly DublinWriter.

I'm sure 99% of the world would swap their bad luck for her "bad luck".

vibe666

you can't go into relationships bracing yourself for what happened with previous partners or these things will happen to you anyway.

if you don't trust your partner then they won't trust you, and things will degrade until something happens which will manifest that distrust into reality.

my tip for you is to start every relationship as if it's your first. be open and honest and don't hold things over your new partner because an old one was a certain way.

you might get burnt sometimes, but when the right guy comes along you won't end up pushing him away and losing him.

TattyTeddy

Thanks for the advice Derek27 but
'that asking someone to tell you they love you or other reassurance like that which you request is meaningless. people should be allowed to express their own emotions without others trying to program their minds to tell them what they want to hear. and they will. just because someone hasn't told you they love you after say oh 3-6 months of a relationship doesn't mean that they aren't developing those kind of feelings for you'


I never asked him to tell me he loved me - I was actually freaked out when he did after a month. Also, I realised (thinking about it all yest and today) that I'm being quite hard on myself saying I picked all the fights. Granted, I did say maybe we should break up quite a lot but that's because that's how I felt.

TattyTeddy

Zulu wrote:

"Guys are full of crap" - yet when you find one you like, you pick fights with them to "test" their love. I can only assume you are in your early teens. How insecure do you think that makes them feel? Do you think they feel secure in your relationship.

Please take a moment to think about someone else. - thats the best advice I can give you.

I'm actually in my early twenties honey, and I also didn't pick fights, I think I'm being too harsh on myself. I just wrote that down without thinking. iwas with someone before who constantly told me I was picking fights for no reason etc so I think thats why I think that. Can I please get a little sympathy?

LundiMardi

I'm actually in my early twenties honey, and I also didn't pick fights, I think I'm being too harsh on myself. I just wrote that down without thinking. iwas with someone before who constantly told me I was picking fights for no reason etc so I think thats why I think that. Can I please get a little sympathy?

How are you being hard on yourself? you're putting all the blame on him ffs :rolleyes:

First you said you picked fights for no reason, now you're saying you didn't, you only said it because another bf said that you always picked fights... mmmm.. i see a pattern

TattyTeddy

DublinWriter wrote:

Damn, I was just going to say that.

No offence, but I would say you're quite young OP, perhaps in your late teens. Try experiencing something like the death of family member, losing a job, going bankrupt to define the term bad-luck.

When you play head-games like that with someone, then like all games, there will be a winner and a loser.

Don't blame others for your own shortcomings. Learn from it, move on.

As I said ALREADY, I was not referring to my bad luck as being to do with him - It was other things in my life which are similar to what u mentioned so don't judge

Sleipnir

"we had been talking about breaking up (I said it a lot but didn't mean it)"

If you didn't mean it then he shouldn't hear it.
That's not "bad luck", it's something you caused to happen.

Zulu

TattyTeddy wrote:

Also, I realised (thinking about it all yest and today) that I'm being quite hard on myself saying I picked all the fights. Granted, I did say maybe we should break up quite a lot but that's because that's how I felt.

...yea, to be honest, I don't think you were being that hard on yourself.

If you threatened to break up "quite a lot", you should have just done it, as opposed to dangling it over his head. It's pretty evident what you were doing, and most people - if they had it done to them - find it despicable.

Sorry - I know I'm being harsh here, but there's a reason. You are evidently (I really, really hope) quite young, so you can benfit from this.

Beruthiel

TattyTeddy wrote:

As I said ALREADY, I was not referring to my bad luck as being to do with him - It was other things in my life which are similar to what u mentioned so don't judge

all we can do is judge on what you have written so far

I did say maybe we should break up quite a lot but that's because that's how I felt

then he granted you your wish, so again, I don't see a problem?

Zulu

TattyTeddy wrote:

I'm actually in my early twenties honey.

Well you should know better then.

Can I please get a little sympathy?

Let me get this straight: you want me to be sympathetic to you because you treated a guy poorly; threatened to split up with him and then he dumped you? :rolleyes:
You have got to be kidding!

You're in your twenties. I felt very slightly sympathetic because I taught you were maybe 13/14, but this is just pathetic carry on from an adult.

vibe666

sorry for the lack of sympathy, but you're going to have to start taking responsibility for the men you end up with.

women tend to go for a certain sort of man, but then complain when he does something that those sorts of men almost always do.

meanwhile the rest of us guys sit back wondering why we can't find a girlfriend at all.

i'm with someone now, and we have a great relationship, but it took a long time to find her, and i got burnt a lot on the way there, but i approached the relationship with a fresh perspective and an open mind, as did she, and we're both very happy. we hardly argue at all, and things couldn't be better (apart from maybe money).

you need to learn from your mistakes and stop making the same ones over and over. it's not bad luck, it's bad choices.

guest31

Hi Tatty,

IMO if you were rowing so much after 3 months, how else did you expect it to go. Also, I would advise you to be wary of someone who tells you he loves you so quickly .. how could he really love you/know you after such a short space of time. By the sounds of it you were not good together. Why rush into a relationship head first, to me, that's just looking to get hurt. Next time, take a step back, and take it slow. Take time for yourself now, re-coup, find yourself again. Be single for a while. Chin up and Good luck.

TattyTeddy

Thanks, I appeciated it guest31. And the rest of you are right too I'd say. Things were simply fantastic at the strat but went a bit downhill. I admit I was wrong to start the fights and I suppose I shouldn't be surprised but he was so similar to me and started fights for no reason too. I would start the fights becuase he would act really cold towards me (for no reason) and not text back etc so perhaps I did have reasons for fights. I know it's probably my own insecurities. I just find it so hard to meet someone I really like. I think I only went out with him as he was into me. I'm prob just ****ed up in general. Any tips on how to meet someone you click with as I find it darned near impossible and I'll prob just start fights with them too.

LundiMardi

i suggest you sort yourself out before messing with another guy.

Beruthiel

TattyTeddy wrote:

Any tips on how to meet someone you click with as I find it darned near impossible and I'll prob just start fights with them too.

my tip is to work on yourself and your self confidence,
I suggest you don't bother going out with anyone till you're comfortable being by yourself.
After that, you should be able to be with someone and have the confidence not to act like you have been doing.
You are still thinking that if you 'click' with someone then everything will be fine - this is not so - until you sort yourself out, you will never find someone to 'click' with and be able to keep them