Asking 20 Year Old Daughter to move out.

Charles Babbage

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123937250#Comment_123937250

Up to the rent to that of regular house share, then leaving is cost neutral.

I agree . I think we are in such a nanny nation. Parents are supposed to just put up with everything and anything . Came here thinking it might be helpful.I didn’t take money off her for months , I have tried my best and set agreements which have been broke.

I have asked her how much she is getting per week so I can Judge a fair rent and she won’t tell me.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123937567#Comment_123937567

I have asked her how much she is getting per week so I can Judge a fair rent and she won’t tell me.

Orban6

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123937591#Comment_123937591

If she is on minimum wage, you can work that out easily enough.

rolling boh

Does she have many friends and does she lead what would be considered a normal enough social life ? there seems to be a few issues there with her that need to be addressed.She is not respecting you at all it appears .

Flinty997

I think it's a lot harder these days to get your independence than years ago. When young adults should have made a break from home and into adult life they've been unable to and are stuck as overgrown teenagers. Frustrated and without the social skills to progress. I think they'll all mature much later in life. Not all of them just some.

I asked her to share her last three payslips with me so I can see what she is earning to ensure I am Asking her for a fair rent . She refused . Saying it’s none of my business and a lot of her life friends live at home for nothing . I told her if she didn’t give them

To me I would

Just set an amount of 100euro per week . She lost her life altogether. Screaming in my face telling me no way is she handing over one quarter of her wages to me every week . She called me a retard and told me to fxxk off . I’m going to tell

Her she has a month to go. Sick of it

I asked her to share her last three payslips with me so I can see what she is earning to ensure I am Asking her for a fair rent . She refused . Saying it’s none of my business and a lot of her life friends live at home for nothing . I told her if she didn’t give them

To me I would

Just set an amount of 100euro per week . She lost her life altogether. Screaming in my face telling me no way is she handing over one quarter of her wages to me every week . She called me a retard and told me to fxxk off . I’m going to tell

Her she has a month to go. Sick of it

con___manx1

Sounds like you and her are clashing big time. As bad as she maybe just remember she is your daughter and she's young. At that age we all thought we knew it all. When in reality we knew **** all.

Alot of young people are sick of living with there parents and are going abroad.this year had the highest amount of irish going to Australia since the last recession. It's not just Australia either. The younger people are going to places like Germany Belgium to where they can work and have there own apartment and independence. I'm sure you daughter would love to move out but it's very hard for young people now. It's not like when we were younger.

Just remember your daughter has alot of growing up to do. Maybe try do something together and get along better. A weekend away or dinner cinema night. Then encourage her to **** off to Australia 😄

thank you for the reply but I have done all that but she won’t. She won’t even go for a coffee for me . I think allowing her remain at home is enabling her poor behaviour . And she needs to move out and see that yes handing over a quarter of your wages for rent is how the real world works . And if she comes back again in a few months she might have copped on abit . I did it 27 years ago . By the time I got my leaving cert results I had moved out . It wasn’t easy then either . But it definitely made me grow up and learn how to manage my money

also regardless of being my daughter or not I don’t think I should be expected to accept that type of behaviour .

Ozymandius2011

While she is a 20 year old, some adults are more mature than others. Perhaps she doesnt yet feel ready to live independently? I moved out when I was 24 but I had a parent who was comfortable and could buy me a flat. In my case though it was me that wanted to move out. My father disagreed at first but then concluded that it was ok, but he didnt agree with my mother putting the property in my sole ownership. However my mother always sided with me when they disagreed on something related to me, so she signed the flat over.

kowloonkev

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123938490#Comment_123938490

But were you 'pushed' out or decided you were ready?

If she leaves before she's ready (and she sounds very immature) because you want her out, then I think it's more likely than not, feeling she has nowhere to go and nobody who loves her, she will make life altering mistakes.

I think OP is also being a bit immature to be honest. Imagine telling a 20 year old girl she's no longer welcome in the family home.

This needs to be resolved within the home. Properly. And it's the OP's responsibility to take the lead and find the right way.

Buddy Bubs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123938462#Comment_123938462

Min wage is 14.15 from January so 560 a week for full time work, she will be coming out with well above 450

A house share should be about 600-700 plus bills for a room.

100 a week she is doing well

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123938490#Comment_123938490

be very careful with comparing your life to the life of young people today, it was possible to afford to move out years ago, just about, it virtually is not now, there are great differences between generations, therefore they cannot be compared. yes moving out was critical for your development, and it worked, but pushing a person that simply is not ready to do so now, would very likely not end very well, it really is impossible for young people to make this critical step nowadays, her emotional issues need to be addressed before this occurs

appledrop

I think you both need outside support, your at logger heads.

Her behaviour is not acceptable but I dont think you should be shoving her out of family home either at 20.

Sounds to me like she has a lot of anger and resentment. The truth is she probably has friends who are indeed living at home and paying nothing and in a lot of cases parents mught be paying for college and throwing in an auld car aswell!

Am I saying that's right? No of course not but what I'm trying to explain is you need to stop comparing it to your day.

When I went to college all my friends hadn't a penny and all in same boat, now a lot of them are driving cars to college. Times change.

Is her father involved at all in her life? If so could you chat to him about the situation.

Appletart Upsetter

If the OP is renting, is it unreasonable to ask her to split the amount between them?

Perhaps if you start treating her like an adult, she might start behaving like one.

how do you know I don’t treat her like an adult ? Really helpful comment

Appletart Upsetter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123938585#Comment_123938585

It wasn't meant to be a criticism, more that giving her the financial realities that come with adulthood, might be good for her.

Even in terms of treating your home as her own.

I asked for her pay slips to ensure I was been Fair if her and not just coming out with a random amount . E.g treating her like an adult . She is receiving counselling that I set up for her through my work . People seem to forgot that my daughter is not a child of 10 that I have any way of influencing . She is a young adult . I came here looking for support not judgement .

Appletart Upsetter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123938599#Comment_123938599

I don't think anyone is judging you. I suppose people see the difficulty of your situation and just want to help!

At least that was my intention.

how else would it be read but criticism ?
if you read the above you would have seen that I said it has been extremely diifficult to get any money from her . I am trying to give her the financial realities as I said by asking for her payslips to set a fair rent .

Foggy Jew

Hi OP. You are in a tricky situation.

i believe you are grossly undercharging your daughter. She may not eat your food, but presumably she uses your heat, electricity, internet, TV package etc? I think your days of negotiating with her are over. You need to present her with a breakdown of your monthly outgoings - all of them, including rent, refuse collection LPT and everything else. Tell her that her €40 doesn’t even hit the sides of your costs. Show her the figures in black and white.
As a shock tactic, tell her you can no longer afford the current living costs, and you are considering downsizing to a one bedroom property.
Best of luck.

kowloonkev

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123938599#Comment_123938599

Nah you're looking to be vindicated for washing your hands of responsibility. She's 20 of course you still have a big influence in her life and hopefully always will have.

You want to take the tough approach with your daughter but also can't handle it when reality is introduced to you.

This girl didn't just land in your house at 18.

thank you for your reply.
I have done all this . I typed up two basic agreements am. She broke them both. She uses everything else yes in the house . She told me it’s my own fault my rent is high . It’s assessed against my income . And that it’s my problem not hers . I’m saving currently and hoping to buy soon .

Appletart Upsetter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123938609#Comment_123938609

Fair enough.

Only you are full aware of the dynamics of this whole relationship/situation, I'm not sure anyone here has a solution you haven't already considered yourself.

I moved back in with my parents when I was in my early 20's after college. My father caught me and some friends doing some substances we shouldn't have. He asked me to move out, went to the bank and went guarantor on a loan and I used that money to move into a house share.

I am happy to support her with the deposit and on a going basis with rent If needed. All I want is her for her to see what the real world is like . If in a few months she is struggling and needs to come back then fair enough . Her father is no help and over the years I had so much hassle getting maintenance off him. She has the money to live independently but doesn’t see why she would have to spend it . She just committed to a bill phone and didn’t pay a rent recently as she needed the money for a tattoo … I really have tried to set boundaries with her but she doesn’t seem to take any notice

Appletart Upsetter

I think adulthood begins, when you take financial responsibility for your own life. It certainly did with me.

I don't know how you get her to do so, it probably won't be easy.

I agree and that’s why I wanted her to move out for a while . I don’t see how she is going to achieve it while been at home .