Am I overacting?

BagofWeed

Even just him saying 'what ?, to you is him trying to twist it as if you are the one with a problem, he knows he did nothing while you were being abused so he is trying to deflect from himself. The silence while ye were waiting is a sign of his guilt or his cowardice.

Jess80

You are entitled to your views.

But in my opinion had I been the drama queen you are talking about I would have not stayed there for 20 plus minutes in a very uncomfortable situation. I would have confronted my partner. I would have left to go home before the lady in question got on her bus.

I would have made a scene in front of the others standing at the stop.

It was tough to keep my composure.

But I did it. I was hardly going to get on a bus and go by our business like if nothing happened.

If that means being a drama queen, I'm definitely one.

Thank you for expressing your valuable advice.

Tork

Are you willing to even accept that he might not have wanted to escalate this? I know and know of people who have intervened in heated situations and got attacked for their troubles.

Is there more going on than just this? You're speaking of your partner in a weirdly detached way.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted. 

• Personal Issues is an advice forum. 
• Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.
• Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased.

If you are unfamiliar with the forum, please read the charter in full before posting here. 

Hilda

Jess80

I absolutely didn't want him to escalate this. Did not want him to say a word to the lady in question. Wanted him to be there for me. Instead of standing there like a total stranger. That's it. Holding my hand, suggesting casually to grab a cab, something, anything at all would have made a difference.

But absolute indifference, standing there making absolutely no remote gesture to show anyone I wasn't alone is not ok

Not ok in my opinion and not what I would have done if the person there had been my boyfriend, sister, mate whatever.

Tork

You keep going on about what YOU would've done and you're judging him because he didn't do what you expected of him. Different people handle tricky situations like this differently.

Jess80

Issue is he didn't handle anything :)

His expectation was for me to carry on like nothing happened. Get on bus and go about our business.

Had we been together for 9 months then I would understand.

19 years together is not a joke.

He should have known what to say. He should have known a situation like that would have been upsetting to deal with..

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524500#Comment_121524500

There you go again! It's all about what you think he should've done. You're not even trying to put yourself into his shoes and understand why he might have behaved in the way he did. I think you need to do that before you can move forward and decide what to do next.

Jess80

Absolutely

Will do

Same way I hope he can put himself in my shoes. And try to understand how I felt.

In a relationship such things go both ways

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524440#Comment_121524440

Sigh, I presume this is aimed at me?

OP, you asked for opinions, and I gave you one. Sorry if you don't like it.

There should really be some kind of moderation rule for when OPs specifically ask for opinions, and then get all snarky and defensive when they don't get 100% validation in the responses.

Jess80

Hi Ezeoul,

Not getting defensive at all.

In fact I appreciate your opinion.

We are all different and if I wrote here is to get other people views.

Thanks for sharing yours.

No hard feelings!

Strumms

if he didn’t want to engage the woman…. Without being there it’s hard to know if that would have been necessary or the thing to do, but standing there like a shop window mannequin wouldn’t either be right.

a simple word of support to you would have been appropriate “ don’t waste your breath on that one “ and a lot of fellas / girls in that situation would then reading the situation probably discreetly start chatting just to ease the tension….and break the standoff. “ listen I meant to say if we pass x shop I’d like to go in and see…. “

he didn’t do so good, however a lot of people are not too comfortable with, experienced or adept at handling people or situations that involve conflict….lack of experience or lack of confidence maybe.

whatever about why… it’s still disappointing…and you’ve a right to feel a bit pissed off..

Jess80

Thank you xx

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524539#Comment_121524539

Why would he not stand up for his partner?

What possible reason could be have had to ignore someone abusing his partner?

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524367#Comment_121524367

They've been in a relationship for 19 years, but he 'obviously' has issues with foreigners? WTF?

OP, you're obviously not happy about it, but it seems quite a minor thing to end a relationship over, after 2 decades.

Jess80

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524610#Comment_121524610

I'm not going to end it. Just disappointed that's all and hurt.

Might take a few hours to get over it.

But I will be ok.

Strangely enough had I been on my own I wouldn't be so upset!

Just a tough night I guess.

This too shall pass :)

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524622#Comment_121524622

Tbf you did ask in your OP if you'd wasted 19 years.

Anyhow, good to hear it's not going to have that kind of impact.

Yes, I get that you are upset, and I guess your sense that he 'has your back' has been damaged, but you'll both get through it.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524610#Comment_121524610

He clearly does, why would he not say or do anything when his partner is attacked for being foreign?

Jess80

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524640#Comment_121524640

Well I'm not going to deny I did wonder wtf did I live with for almost 20 years!

It was disappointing to say the least.

Had I been alone yes I would have probably returned home shaky about the whole 'event' and all but knowing he was there, witnessed all and didn't even made an effort to let his presence felt was a bit of a shock. We have not talked about it since we have been back home, aside from his comment about what if her fella had been there ..

2 Wheels Good

I can speak as someone who could be considered to have no clue about relationships, and even i would have at a minimum taken your hand and asked were you ok, and depending on the situation done as suggested with getting a taxi if that's what you wanted. Pretty obvious to even to me.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524648#Comment_121524648

What makes you think the OP was being attacked for that?

Nothing in the OPs original post suggests the confrontation was racially motivated.

Though as a matter of interest, OP, why did you start your thread by pointing out that you are non-national, when you've lived here for 20 years?

Jess80

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524747#Comment_121524747

Just stated the fact!

I'm a non Irish national.

I live here but I'm not Irish.

What's wrong with stating a fact?

And where did I remotely suggest that the attack was racially motivated?

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524747#Comment_121524747

the OP made it obvious that they are non national, so perhaps they don't look ' Irish '

whatever the reason, their partner did not stand up for them

Jess80

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524461#Comment_121524461

Hi mods,

Feel free to close this post.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to post and share my upset.

Thanks to everyone that replied also for taking the time to do so.

GN