Am I overacting?

Jess80

Non national but resident in the country capital for 20 years. Dating a fella from Dublin for 19 years.

Standing at the bus stop I glanced at a child with his mum..

She verbally attacked me saying stuff like I don't want you to look at me, mind your business, look away and stuff.

I'm not the one to look weak and back down but while I made sure not to inadvertently look towards her I didn't budge and stayed in the same position waiting for the bus trying to keep my composure

People are nuts and it's ok. I can deal with it.

My partner though was standing next to me and didn't say a word, didn't talk to me, didn't even attempt to make the woman know I wasn't alone.

I absolutely didn't want him to start a fight but I was so humiliated by being left alone dealing with this situation.

After standing there for 20 minutes (again I wasn't going to walk away from this 'person' ) I was overwhelmed with emotion and told him I was going back home.

This was after the individual in question got on her bus. We were waiting to catch another one

Am I overacting?

I know how to take care of myself and I absolutely do not need a baby sitter but the fact he stood there without saying anything and didn't even try to show that person that I wasn't alone made me feel disgusted.

Am I being trivial or wtf have I been wasting my lAst 19 years with??

Breezy_

Nope, you're not overreacting.

Absolute bare minimum he should have done was stand between ye.

You should ask him what he was thinking.

thegame983

'Leave the women to it' was probably his attitude.

Don't blame him.

robbiezero

Scum like that lady are best ignored.

Any reaction from him and it would have escalated and you end up with a scene and that hag screeching at ye.

Jess80

Thank you

At least try to de-escalate.

I swear no one at the bus stop would have thought he was my 19 years live in partner.

I swear in no way I would have wanted him to get aggressive towards this individual who obviously was troubled.

But it made me feel really alone.

Thank you for your reply.

evolvingtipperary101

He didn’t even speak to you at any stage during the twenty mins?

Jess80

I understand. As I said no way I would have wanted him to step in and say something. But at least talk to me, suggest we get a taxi instead (bus was due in 20 mins) something, anything to let this person know I wasn't alone

That's the least I would have done for a mate, never mind for someone I have been dating for almost 20 years.

AyeGer

A bit clueless of him maybe, but he should have started talking to you imo. That’s what I’d have done.

Has anything like this ever happened before and you dealt with it fine, maybe he didn’t want to seem overprotective if he sees you as a strong independent person.

Bottom line he should have talked to you to at least show you weren’t alone.

Jess80

Nope. Not a word

robbiezero

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121523962#Comment_121523962

I dunno. Getting involved trying to de escalate with someone spoiling for a fight may have the opposite effect.

Like how do you de escalate a glance at her.

Jess80

I dunno either. But I would have moved my mate away from situation suggesting a taxi instead..

Do something..

I swear if that person had known he was my live in partner she would have felt sorry for me..

I am just still in shock.

I would have never done that.

Just a very odd event that got me questioning wth am I doing.

AyeGer

Have you talked to him and asked him why he stood by silent?

irelandrover

If someone shouted at my girlfriend but it looked like she had it under control then I'd stay silent. I'd think that getting involved would escalate it.

If it started getting out of control then I'd step in.

But talk to him and ask him why he didn't get involved.

Jess80

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524010#Comment_121524010

Yep he said quote what did you expect me to do, what if she had had her fella with her unquote

My reply was ' well did she??'

As I said even a holding my hand and subtly suggesting a taxi instead would have meant something.

That would have removed us both from an awkward situation .

Instead nothing. Zero.

I knew I was not going to catch the bus we were meant to but I was not going to walk away from the scene.

So I patiently waited till the 'lady' caught her bus and then told him holding back tears I was going home.

Jess80

I understand and agree. But he could have made me feel less alone.

Not act like a total stranger.

I didn't by any means want him to shout at the woman, insult her or anything but he made me feel so alone.

No one would have believed he was there with me.

I know this is so trivial compared to all the crap that happens and I'm so sorry to be taking your time.

As I said I can handle my own.

But he acted like a total stranger.

Maybe just maybe if he had talked to me that 'lady' would have stopped.

irelandrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524063#Comment_121524063

It's not taking anyone's time.

Is this the first time you felt like this, is it out of character for him. Or is it compounding other issues.

I wouldn't have stepped in unless needed, but I also wouldn't have left my girlfriend in silence for 20 minutes.

Jess80

Exactly that.

He could have said something.

Suggest a taxi.

Anything.

Rather than standing there in silence.

When the individual got on her bus I looked at him and told him I was going home.

His answer was ' what?? Our bus will be here in a few minutes!!'

Felt like I was in a parallel universe

amdublin

It's a difficult one. I can see how you felt unsupported. But then hard for him to know what to do - is he a person who generally avoids confrontation.

I think he could have just started talking quietly with you and you both turn away from her. Or you talk to him and both turn away.

Could you both have walked on to the next bus stop maybe?

I am sorry you went through that :( Not nice at all

Jess80

Exactly.

Just show me you are there.

Suggest we move away.

If I had been alone I wouldn't be so upset about it.

Going through that with my live in partner standing next to me in silent, making no eye contact with me, no remote attempt to make me feel his presence was humiliating.

Really really sad.

YellowLead

Did he put his arm around you? I agree he should have kept quiet because the only way to deal with scum like that is to ignore them, they’re just itching for an argument. But he should have held your hand or put his arm around you - or just chatted away to you ignoring her.

Has everything been rosy in the garden for the last 19 years??? Or is this the latest in a series of disappointments in your relationship and therefore it’s really sticking out?

evolvingtipperary101

I think he has to talk to you in that situation. At the very least, after a few minutes. I think a lot of people would just take you somewhere else, saying it's not worth it. Let's stand over here. The shouter clearly has mental issues.

Jess80

Nope. No physical or visual contact.

Nothing. As I said I didn't budge, didn't move from the woman visual, didn't show a tiny bit of emotion. Kept my head up high. He knows me.

He must have known how difficult that must have been for me.

Again the bus was late. He could have said something like hey let's catch a cab

Again by no means I would have wanted him to get aggressive or challenge this woman or say something provocative.

I just wanted to feel his presence.

I feel like a total moron.

I really do.

BagofWeed

His behaviour is typical of the docile intimidated Irish male, a childhood of mollycoddling and an instinct to never stand out from the herd. Best bet is to find a more masculine man, the fact he said 'what, Our bus will be here in a few minutes', to you pretty much sums him up. A guy like that will never stand up for anything.

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524033#Comment_121524033

So what if her fella was there. Standing between ye is not escalating.

Plus it's not weak on your part to remove yourself from the situation.

Jess80

Again, didn't want anything else but him to make me feel he was there. There were plenty of cabs driving by

He could have flagged one and told me to get in it.

Anyway look I know this is trivial.

I don't want no macho BS.

I just want the same I would have done for a mate.

Be there.

Make her/him feel not alone.

Ezeoul

A man coming between two women would not be seen as him defending you, it would be seen as him intimidating another woman who was alone with her child.

Him staying out of it was actually the wiser decision on his part.

You asked, so yes, I do think you're over-reacting, and I think you're a bit needy, tbh.

Stomping off home is such a drama queen move.

Sorry. I would have no patience with that.

evolvingtipperary101

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121524209#Comment_121524209

Normal.

suvigirl

He absolutely should have done something, I'm not suggesting he get into a pointless argument with a scumbag, but he should have done or said something to make you feel less isolated and attacked.

What would he have done of someone attacked his Irish girlfriend? Bet he would have stood up for her.........

He obviously has some issues with foreigners, etc

Tork

Could it be bystander effect? Or something as simple as him freezing and not being sure what to do? Unless any of us have been faced with a situation like this, we can't say for sure what we'd do. It's easy to say he should've done X or Y from behind a keyboard but it's not the same as being there. We're all hyper-aware of how rough Dublin has become and you can't know what you're dealing with. Is the person picking a fight with you on drugs, are they violent, is there a chance they're carrying a knife, do they have equally scummy friends within earshot etc. It is the sort of situation that has the potential to get out of hand and there are people who prefer to defuse things by saying nothing. I think you should talk to your partner again in a day or two when the heat has gone out of this.

AyeGer

Interesting he mentioned that her boyfriend might have been there, these situations often end in the boyfriends going at it.

If your man is not much of a fighter he may have thought just ignore it and the potential conflict will pass.