Ended the relationship

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121608644#Comment_121608644

She told me plenty of times during arguments that she has done well on her own in life, I have no doubts about that.

TheadoreT

There's no non selfish reason to talk/meet again if you're not planning on changing your mind about the decision.

You're either doing it as a (sub/)conscious way to stroke your own ego at how much they need you and will struggle without you. And alternatively if you think you're doing it for compassionate reasons as they are genuinely struggling, you reinforcing the rejection is the last thing they need, it's her other loved ones in her life she needs now.

maninasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121490580#Comment_121490580

Could be worse, some of us tried to adjust after decades away. I couldn't make it work, part of it was I found I didn't like the way home was in reality yes and the huge changes that have happened in some parts of the country.

The other part was that Ireland right now really throws up a lot of challenges to returning emigrants, you don't even have the baggage of dependents to sort out . People who have stayed in Ireland all the time don't know how hard it can be .

If you don't like the buzz in the part of Ireland you are from (this happened to me I realise I just don't like it at all) think about moving to another part which suits you better now you are older and know yourself. Or just go back , I know if I stayed in Ireland I would have to buy a house because renting is an absolute bitch .

tara73

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121609651#Comment_121609651

I followed this thread and was about to write exactly what was written here from TT when you posted about the video call she wants and your own surprising words 'it is necessary'. for whom and why is it necessary?? Almost unisono you were given the advice to cut contact. you are not even back in Canada, and you say this call 'is necessary'. I could understand you being back in Canada and it costing much more will power to not meet up as the physical distance isn't there anymore. but you are not even back. You said you are feeling good on your own, doing things you enjoy. why in gods name risk to cut possible wounds open again, putting your head in a spin again. and you most definetely both won't get closure from a video call !!

so I can echo the opinion of theodoret, there's some 'ego thing' going on with yourself here, some real issues. The most obvious you needing and wanting the attention from this girl and liking she's running after you.

I think people here are very soft on you. For me, it sounds like there's a pair of you in it here and you play your part in manipulating in this relationship too, but playing the full victim. In this case would be good to hear her story of it too.

I think you need drama in your life and that's the thing you should address and work on with your therapist, why you need constant drama in your life. A good therapist should detect that and adress it themselves.

Sunny Disposition

I think the video call is a really bad idea. I can’t see how you will not feel worse afterwards. If you do go ahead with it, make sure that is absolutely the end, no more contact.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121610517#Comment_121610517

I appreciate the post, but I wholeheartedly disagree with your last sentence. I do not seek or need drama in my life, this relationship had nothing to do with drama or enjoying it, if I did I would still be in it.

Frank Bullitt

So we met, and I am both happy I did and pissed off that I did. Not doing too great today, the reasons I think will be clear.

This was not to meet for closure, it was to met to vent and challenge the narrative and reasons why I ended things.

She said that my unhappiness was clearly from my childhood and that is why I was walking on eggshells a lot around her, this completely threw me off and really from out of left-field. She said it was cruel to blame her (I never once blamed her) for my unhappiness and what I did was so wrong to her. She basically said if I had been more open to her, things would have been saved and she was with me, ride or die, at this point she was more or less speaking with her hands to me.

She then proceeded to say I was emotionally unavailable and closed off, that I will never find anyone else if I remained like this, and this was something she should have not dealt with. I am no angel, these comments did throw me off quite a bit as friends and relatives have noted that I am different in that way now.

She really hammered home quite a lot that, in her opinion, the break up was hurtful to her. She repeated this multiple times and it was really noticeable.

She accused me of lying, never really loving her, the works.

The conversation ended with her telling me that she should have broken up with me 2 years ago, and that she regretted not doing that. She also made it clear she is excited for her next relationship as well and the growth that will come from it.

The only thing I am happy about is that I got this over with, because not doing it would have just pushed this down the road and probably would have made it worse.

Today, I am feeling quite a lot of uselessness, lack of self worth and a bit of a hollow presence. I have told the above to a few friends and all say that this is her projecting, that yes she was allowed to say those things but that it also shouldn't impact my own self worth. I apologized to her, not that it meant much to her, but on reflection this meeting was completely for her to vent, there was no closure needed or wanted.

As you can tell, I have a lot on my mind today. I do feel like the villain, as you can expect. I do however now carry this burden now of really feeling responsible for everything, despite my friends, family and some of you nice people in here telling me otherwise.

I know I will be fine, and even through writing this, this pattern of victim blaming (a friend told me this) is something she did a lot. "I wouldn't have gotten angry if you had just done/said this", things like that. I think maybe her true colours have shown now, I don't think she is evil but I do think there was a vindictiveness in what she said, and just wanted to project her anger onto me.

This is it

She's hurt, she's lashing out.

You'll know better than people here if she meant what she said, either way you seem to have good friends and family around you, remember that. Talk to them when you need to, and know that the "bad" feelings you have now will pass, know that you did the right thing, start to move on.

YellowLead

As we all predicted, this was not a good idea and now you feel worse. But look it’s fully done with now and I hope you will confirm to no contact - even if she messages you, just ignore.

She only had this meeting with you so she could bitch to you, she knew you had finally seen sense and weren’t coming back - so she lashed out to hurt you.

You will be fine in time though. Look how much better things got after the original break up as the weeks went on. This will happen again except there won’t be as many set backs because you won’t be indulging her again right?

It’s not your fault she didn’t break up with your two years ago if she wanted to, why didn’t she. You cannot take the full blame for this. I’m just glad you got out of it and are seeing her ways for what they are, at least. Not a good person but petulant and childish.

Absolutely you should reflect on how things went in this relationship and learn from it all - not by taking blame though.

Dial Hard

Jesus, OP. I hate to say it, but we told you so.

Can I ask *why* you felt the need to go ahead with the call???

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121618453#Comment_121618453

You did indeed.

Main reason was via video, I would have been able to just walk away or leave if I felt the need. In person, regardless of it being in a public place or private, there would be no quick way of leaving. There were incidents in the past that happened in public that involved her shouting at me. I just didn't want that.

I also want to enjoy the remaining time in Dublin, if I pushed this off until I was back there, it would just have been waiting for me.

Tork

At least you didn’t come away from the call still wondering if the break-up was a good idea. Even though people here had different opinions about what she might be going to say, nobody believed she genuinely wanted closure. It was either going to be an attempt to win you back, or she’d come out swinging. It doesn’t feel like it now but I think this call is better for you in the long term. It has well and truly closed the door on any future contact with her. It might also give you some food for thought.

In any relationship, there are always 3 sides to the story. Your perspective, her perspective and the truth which lies somewhere in the middle. Even though it’s obvious that she has twisted the narrative to suit her viewpoint, perhaps there are some grains of truth in there. Maybe there are things you could do better at when you’re in a relationship.

If there’s a thing that you should deal with now that you’re on the other side of this, it’s the question of why you stayed with this woman for so long. It sounds like she and you have analysed the relationship to death (both of you sound like therapists at times) and persisted with something that wasn’t working. You were being advised to break up with her 2 years ago yet you never did. You’re lucky that you can walk away from this without being tied to her. Hopefully, you will meet a nicer woman down the line and that you can be happy with her. But if you don’t and you form a relationship with somebody you’re not compatible with, will you ignore all the warning signs all over again? 

suvigirl

No more contact now OP.

get on with your life and forget her.

Sunny Disposition

You were warned Frank, to be honest I'd have been quite surprised if it had gone any better. But hey, at least it's over with, onwards. Whatever happens, do not have any further contact with that woman. Block her, if you haven't done so already.

thefa

The old “I should have broke up with you first ages ago”. Sounds very immature. I think you have said yourself you’re no angel but seemed to have a fair bit of compassion in comparison. You may have dodged a bullet in the long term.

Going to make a very generic statement but you can’t let even the (previously) most important person define your self worth. One bitter opinion doesn’t erase everything you are. By the way, you were good enough to beg to stay together a month ago.

You might be better off removing her from social media and obviously stoping all contact.

TheadoreT

Yeah I'd say you're gonna get hot and cold messages over next few months from her, so I'd be blocking at first sign of that or even now. Unless of course you enjoy the attention which i still think was a large part of this completely ill advised last meeting.

You also seem prone to hyper analysising everything she does and says. You made the decision, it seems it was vindicated, and you were probably over it long before the break up by the sounds of it. So just crack on with your life and stop torturing yourself over every minute thing said in anger.

Frank Bullitt

Appreciate the comments today, everyone.

Beginning to feel better about myself, obviously time will help it more but I really do now see the real benefit of being out of this relationship, and especially not having any connections to her either. If we had and financial stuff or even kids, doesn't bear thinking about.

I am optimistic about my own future, that is all I can focus on right now. Plenty of self-growth has to happen, and I am using this as a serious life lesson.

Onwards.

HildaOgdenx

Thread locked until I or one of the other mods have a chance to review.

Big Bag of Chips

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