Ended the relationship

TheadoreT

It all sounded very turbulent and chaotic from your previous thread so you definitely made the right choice to end it, only a few years too late. Was/is your parents relationship similar by any chance? We tend to seek out similar relationships that we see as children in our adult life until you do work on yourself to break the conditioning.

But it will get easier and you can find a much more fulfilling relationship if you do the work on yourself.

Frank Bullitt

Thanks everyone for your comments, they mean a lot.

On my front, things are sometimes ok, sometimes just not.

What I think the end of the relationship has done, is opened a larger issue for me. I know I am not home that long, but I really feel like a stranger in Ireland right now, more than I have done in previous trips. It is very early in it all, the struggle is quite real at the minute. Haven't had the chance to fully talk about the whole thing yet with my friends, only a very brief chat yesterday with a pal as we were walking to a restaurant. It does come in waves, there is peace with it and then complete conflict as well.

I am replaying a lot in my head a lot of the time, which feels like it will run me to a nervous breakdown. Like I said, the relationship is part of it, the other parts are where I am at in life, my identity, you name it.

There is a real worry for me now that I just didn't put in enough effort for the relationship to fully work, that I was one foot in and one foot out with wanting to stay abroad because the pull from friends and family here in Ireland was strong. Now that I am here, a few things have dawned on me, if I were to move back I would have to live with my folks for a potentially long time. I am in my late 30's now, so the thoughts of that worry me to my very core, I really do not think I could do that. Right now, and I know this is all new, my folks talk to me like I am 16 with "where were you last night" "who were you with" "What are you doing today". I know there is no malice in that at all, but it feels like it is a kick to your independence.

To go on top of all of that, my mates are in Christmas mode so want to go out etc, I really don't want to use the pub as a therapy couch and I have had a few drinks already. I know what it can do to my moods so I would rather be aware of it will impact my thinking.

Then there is back where I live, which never felt like home but is such a strong part of my identity over the past decade. I have my own place, reasonable rent, a life and lifestyle that I can enjoy (it can be pricy but that is the city I am in), so now I am thinking is it as bad as I was thinking? Was I just telling myself that it was not home to justify not putting in effort and always thinking of Ireland at home?

There is a lot more to all of this that I just can't get into the details of, mainly around how different life can feel here in Ireland when I am home, my friends and their lives, my own life and what I like to do, the fact that some family members are gone now and did I grieve enough, the feeling of "same old Ireland" and do I really fit in here with who I am as a person anymore?

Just to finish this with I have an appointment booked with my therapist for next week, which can't come soon enough.

89897

OP I say this with kindness and maybe something to reflect on. You seem a bit one foot in, one foot out with everything. You will always struggle with things if this is the case. You're relationship, where you live, wanting to see friends but not in the pub, living with your folks but wanting freedom.

Sometimes you have to make the decision and go after it wholeheartedly. If you decide the relationship is over finish it completely, if you decide to stay living where you are embrace it, if you decide to move home accept you may need to do what you need to do to get back here and readjust. You can go to the pub and not drink or invite friends over to the house.

Right now your mind is on overdrive cause there is alot to consider, try shut that out and just enjoy your time home. Reopen for thinking when you're less panicky and more calm. The mind cannot make creative decisions while its in panic mode.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121490358#Comment_121490358

You might be right, I am realizing I sometimes struggle with change. I also find that lately, and having just posted it, I have been away a decade now...that kinda struck me a bit.

You are right that with my mind running riot right now, I can't think straight or make a clear decision. I am meeting a pal later on to talk life, he is one of my best friends and usually has solid advice from a good perspective.

Tork

Is it healthy that you baked your move to Canada so heavily into your self-identity? That's a big question for you to deal with.

I also wonder if have you been trying too hard to convince yourself you should be in Canada and that your girlfriend is Miss Right. I see elements of that creeping into your thinking now. You think you should have tried harder to settle there and that you could have been better in this relationship. Your head is rewriting history, peppered full of "should haves", rather than the actual life you have been living for a decade.

All I have to go by are your previous threads and in my honest opinion, you should have broken up with your ex long ago. She displayed some troubling behaviour in your older threads and I'm not convinced people change all that much. But because you wanted the relationship to continue you persisted. Is it a case of sunk cost fallacy? Only you can answer the question - have you been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? It won't go in easily but because you've kept whacking the wooden peg with a hammer, it has worn down and now fits. Or that's what you've been trying to tell yourself.

You also never settled properly in Canada. Why? Could it be because it isn't a good fit for you despite your best efforts to convince yourself it is? It goes back to that self-identity thing. Would leaving Canada dent your ego? I'm also curious to know if you ever made any good friends in Canada you can confide in. Everyone you want to talk to seems to be here in Ireland. I'm also curious to know if you experienced turmoil similar to what you're feeling now in the years before you emigrated.

You don't need me to tell you that this foot in both camps thing is now coming to a head. You are going to have to make some big decisions. If you go back to Canada and get back with your girlfriend (I'm unconvinced there's anything but a reconciliation on the cards here) you're probably going to have to move to where she's from. That's what she was looking for before. Is that what you want? Really?

At this point of your life, neither Ireland nor Canada is 100% right for you and you're going to have to make compromises no matter what you choose.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121491116#Comment_121491116

Looking back, I never though my identity would be so closely tied to that move. But looking at it now, with how my life changed, my career, my finances, my lifestyle, my independence, it all happened there.

I haven't mentioned friends in Canada but I have met some of the best people I know there, it is what makes Canada tolerable to me, I have great friends around me. I really do.

I am not sure if I am trying to convince myself of me being in Canada. I would actually say it would be a bad thing for me to be there right now anyway, but I can't say for sure. You are right in that my thinking right now is leaning that way, I am only seeing problems right now with everything, despite things being relatively ok for the most part. I do think how she might be doing, I also know her mother is visiting her this week for 2 weeks so I think (and I hope) that will do her good, but as someone said to me before it is none of your business how they are doing. None.

This whole ordeal is probably the mark of a bigger change. Realistically, I want to get my Canadian passport so that I at least have that, that will take about a year or so. My job are flexible with me working in either or for a period of time, so that is also of benefit to me (again, I seem to be in a good position). It could be a gradual move, no move, a big move. It could be anything.

(Even typing this helps my brain so so much, so thanks again, everyone)

Idbatterim

Is the most important question, not if you two should be together? After that, the Ireland v Cananda debate could be had? Everything starts becoming clearer, 3 to 4 weeks in, when the dust has somewhat settled.. What do you want OP, forget about her wants, you need to do what is right for you...

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121492320#Comment_121492320

You’re right, I am thinking of a million things at once right now. It is settling, and I am feeling more at one with my thoughts at least.

Time is what I need, each day is helping and I’m keeping active and working still. If I were sitting still, that would be bad.

it is not even been a week yet, and in that week I’ve had travel, jet lag and too many pints.

Frank Bullitt

A little update for you all:

So it's been 2 weeks or so now, and I am really feeling better with myself. I am in the gym, focusing on myself, talking to friends about stuff and I also have a therapy session in a few hours with my therapist back in Canada (who is well used to hearing all about what I have been thinking etc). I will say now that there is a degree of clarity in my mind that just wasn't there before for me, I can see why I did what I did, and I know that it was good for me. I did waver back and forth at the beginning (which could be seen in my posts), however as time has gone on, the main reasons why I ended it are clearer now.

I do of course still think of the good times, and I do miss the closeness we had. I still catch myself thinking "I hope she is ok" but I can quickly identify that as intrusive thoughts. We are both adults, we have friends, family and tools to use, so it is egotistical of me to think that she will be just thinking about me all the time. I am good at seeing that, identifying it, and letting it go.

There are, however, a few new things that have come up out of all of this.

First, I think there is some damage that I have taken with the relationship. I find myself something second guessing what I am doing, which could be looking at someone else or even thinking, and feel profound guilt and imagining her flipping out (there was always a lack of trust from her at times, asking who I was with, are there girls in my gym etc) which I know was part of her own baggage. It seems to have impacted how I think, never mind act. It is hard to describe, I suppose if you imagine that you just feel guilty for thinking something in the anticipation that someone might find out, so you mentally curl up and stop. It is bizarre, to say the least. I am even finding myself watching what I say...in case she finds out. I don't know if I am describing that very well.

Second, while I am enjoying being at home with my family, my circle of friends have really been flakey thus far. So many plans have been cancelled or no responses to texts. I am confiding more in my friends back where I live than those who are physically around me. Very few have asked how I am doing with everything, and I know they don't have to, but being asked would be nice. I can of course say something to address this.

In relation to that, there is this weird void feeling I have to Ireland right now (and I know this will sound familiar with the one foot in etc), I really do feel like a total stranger here, even more profoundly than before. I am doing my own thing to a large degree, I take myself into town, go for walk about and get a coffee etc, I do really notice the lack on communication with my circle of friends here though.

Perhaps this is a fork in the road moment, we are on different tracks. Perhaps it is because it is Christmas and people have moved on and have families etc?

There are thoughts of happiness being here, and eagerness to getting back to where I live.

listermint

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121526326#Comment_121526326

If you weren't contacting with irish friends daily or weekly before from canada, it's certainly not going to change in 2 weeks being physically here.

Christmas is indeed a super busy time for friendships as everyone has their own families and loved ones to engage with over the period.

manonboard

Hey Op

Thanks for taking the time to update. Though there is no burden on you to do so. Its nice of you to offer.

Im so glad to hear that you are feeling more clarity. I felt your pain in my skin when i first read your post about it. It felt so visceral. A break up after that long of time, after so much sunk cost, is harrowily painful. The fact that you are feeling more clear and still sound in your reasoning speaks volumes to the rightness of your decision.

Im really proud and glad for you. Its ok to feel like a stranger at home, you are. It happens to us that live abroad for so long. I wish you the best christmas and in another 2 weeks, the level of physical relief you feel will be even bigger. The lack of anxiety that built up so slowly we didnt even know we carried it. You did good!

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121526655#Comment_121526655

I would text daily with Irish pals when I am over in Canada. As you say though, it is a busy time.

Idbatterim

glad to hear you are feeling better. Getting clarity, this is exactly what happens. When the relationship breaks up, its like a bomb going off. You cant think clearly until the dust settles. Its possible your friends etc not asking you more about it, are doing so, because they dont want to keep on bringing up a sore subject, that they no doubt think, everyone is asking you about.

in terms of peoples flakiness, oh yeah, hundred percent. If they have kids and families etc, its normal. its the way it goes with most men. Ive a few mates that still strike a good health balance, most dont...

Tork

Earlier in the thread, you described yourself as not being a pleasant person when you landed in Dublin. Might some of your friends have picked that vibe up from you? They might be giving you some time to return to your usual self. Also, if you've been going on about problems with your ex for a long time and they feel you never took their advice, they might not feel like going there again. I've been that ear and eventually, you just get fed up listening to friends being long on talk and short on action. I'm not the only person who felt you were biding your time before reconciling.

If your friends have settled down and have kids of their own, they're not going to have so much time for you. Could you try to meet them somewhere along with their kids. They'll bugger off and do their own thing, leaving you time to talk.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121529336#Comment_121529336

I’ve definitely noticed a change in my mood the last week, and even with my friends more so. It just required me to open up a bit more, which has helped a lot.

My therapist session was also a huge huge help. He gave great advice on what to do next, and said I’m doing the right things with being aware of irrational thoughts and how it will take time to fully heal after everything.

Frank Bullitt

Small update:

I am way more myself recently, plenty of journaling, mindfulness and just generally more happy lately. It is very clear that this was the right decision for me to take. Seeing friends on a more frequent basis but also really enjoying my own time and space as well, I take myself out to town for lunch of coffee, walk about and just enjoy it all. It is quite liberating and eye opening.

My therapist, who I met yesterday, noticed a lot more optimism in me as well. I am enjoying my time here in Ireland, but I am also equally looking forward to returning to Vancouver and what that might bring. There is a bit of worry or fear going back, mainly with it being unknown, however I am trying to keep an open mind on it.

One thing that is on the horizon now is the following...

There has been some comms with my ex. She text asking me when I am returning, I left it vague as I didn't want to start any arguments, which aren't hard to do. With having told her that, she said she wants to do a video call this weekend as she needs closure, and as it doesn't seem like I will be back anytime soon, a video call will do. I really do not know what to expect with it, it has elevated my anxiety quite a bit. I do know that doing the call will be necessary, however I do not want to be bound by her controlling antics (which have really become a lot clearer to me recently).

I suppose I have to approach it with an open mind, and whatever happens, happens.

Tork

Have you mentioned this call to your therapist? While there may be practical things to clear up with your ex, I'm not sure what this closure is meant for. You've already been through the tears and the pleading and all the rest of it. What's left to be said? Other than for her to unload grudges onto you, or to make you feel guilty all over again.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121596624#Comment_121596624

She didn't say at all, just that it was very whirlwind before I left and now she needs closure, and that ideally in person would be better but that won't be happening anytime soon.

My therapist didn't seem concerned at all by it, said it sounds natural but also that I am not in control of what she will say or what she will want either. I just have to be honest.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121596624#Comment_121596624

I’d view it similarly to yourself. If I’ve been following correctly, there was a big breakup conversation, a meeting a couple of days later on the birthday and some comms since.

I understand how having a talk for closure can be beneficial in some cases but would be surprised if this isn’t an attempt to either immediately rekindle the relationship or stay in the game from her side.

I guess Frank you’ve noticed improvements in your life but this has come up which is adding anxiety. If you’re happy to appease her with the call but hold firm on what you’ve done so far, fair enough. I’m not really seeing what’s in it for you though. Sometimes a clean break is for the best.

Tork

thefa 8:54pm

I guess Frank you’ve noticed improvements in your life but this has come up which is adding anxiety. If you’re happy to appease her with the call but hold firm on what you’ve done so far, fair enough. I’m not really seeing what’s in it for you though. Sometimes a clean break is for the best.

This is the nub of it. What's in this for you? You've told us that it has elevated your anxiety. That speaks volumes in my opinion. It looks like your gut is screaming at you that this conversation is A Bad Thing. Personally, I think it's way too soon for YOU to be having a conversation like this with your ex. You only broke up a month ago and it has been a very difficult experience for you. It's good to see that you're gaining some insights into the sort of relationship you were in, but are you strong enough not to be sucked back in? A month is no time at all, and you're not out of the woods yet. Remember too that this isn't just her break-up and her timetable. It's also your break-up and your timetable. Be careful you don't fall back into a pattern of trying to appease her.

In the lead-up to your break-up, you had to make a journey in your own mind and get to the place where you had that harrowing conversation. The question is, what has your ex been thinking over the past month? It's not very long since she pleaded and begged you not to break up with her, and promised everything would change. You've told us that that was the most difficult thing you've ever been through. You have also come to realise how controlling she was, something you didn't quite see when you were together. Is she really ready to let you go? She made it very clear to you that she didn't want to break up. Has she changed her mind on that over the past month? I have my doubts, I really do.

Are you ready for a reprise of your break-up hell? It wouldn't surprise me if that's why she's pushing for what she's describing as closure. It's just as likely she's working on trying to get back together and will turn on the waterworks. Remember how good she is at pushing your buttons - be very careful. One thing that is 100% nailed on, in my opinion, is that this call is NOT for your benefit. I can't see you coming away from that call feeling anything but rattled. I don't see it as closure, I see it as reopening wounds. It's a bad idea.

YellowLead

I would strongly advise you not to have this video call for closure. It’s too much and you’ve come so far. You’ve started to cross a threshold into the realisation that the break up really was for the best. I think there was co-dependency there and you feel guilty breaking that. But you can’t sacrifice your happiness for the sake of this. You’ve done it for too long and got comfortable.

If you want, since you enjoy journaling, you could write her a letter explaining everything and tell her that for your own mental health you need your own space and a clean break so won’t be having any calls or texts. But even that you might not be ready for as it’s all so raw.

You must do no contact for many months until you’ve healed fully and by then she likely will have moved on as well and it won’t even be necessary.

listermint

Sage advice above. Nothing more to add than heed it. Cancel the call its of no benefit to your thought process.

Dial Hard

There's no such thing as closure via another person, that's a complete myth. Closure is something you achieve on your own, not something another person gives you. She's manipulating you all over again and as Tork said, your gut is screaming at you in warning. Seriously, OP, no good can come of this and I think you know it. Cut that final puppet string and tell her no.

Oscar_Madison

You’ve the rest of your life ahead of you and so has she

Even at a late stage it’s better to end than continue to marriage kids etc when you’re not happy or sure

It’s not easy OP but brighter days will be ahead for you both - well done on making a huge decision -try don’t look back if you can - decision made - that’s clear - it’s life unfortunately but you might the right choice for both of you actually

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121600280#Comment_121600280

This is very true OP. You really cant get closure from another person. Its just another subconscious (usually) way of using the other person to regulate our emotions. Thats fine in relationships in many ways, but post break up... Theres nothing more to offer a person other than the truthful reasons why you are breaking up with them.

Regardless about whether you have the call or not.. May i remind you OP that The anxiety you are feeling is very likely either the same anxiety you were feeling in the relationship, or a fear of ending back up in that place. Think about those two things.. Do not let the guilt, shame, hope of anything trick you into thinking things would be different this time.

Theres so many people who will bring you peace, support, aid and independence in a relationship. The very first and most important requirement of that though, is that nobody who is healthy enough to do that will date someone who cant do it for themselves. Why would we? It would be an unhealthy decision. So keep focusing on yourself. Every time you get better at self care, you level up to meet people at that same level. The better care they take of themselves, the less needless 'work' a relationship contains.

Remember, you already got out. You dont have anything to fear from her since you've already escaped and cant be forced back in without agreement.

Frank Bullitt

Thanks for the advice everyone, it has given me lots of food for thought.

Part of me wants to do the call to just be done with it, and there is a smaller part of me that would prefer to avoid it.

Let me also reassure everyone that there is no chance at all of reconciliation or getting back together. I am far too happy in myself now to do that.

I have been getting conflicting opinions (all valid, however) from some friends. Some saying it is a reasonable request from her, others say no, others saying do it on your terms etc.

I am not letting it distract me too much, or at least trying not to.

spaceHopper

Work out what you would say in an email or letter to her to explain why you broke up. Then you have the choice of do nothing, sent it to her or have the call you'll have at least thought about it and will be clearer with her if you do have the call. Personally I wouldn't have the call. 

Idbatterim

glad to hear you are doing far better, its panned out, like i reckoned it would. If you feel like this after one month, believe me, you are going to feel far better again another month down the line. I have to echo the concerns of others here on that video chat, I think its a bad idea. Its probably a bad idea period, but even a few more weeks down the line, wouldnt be as bad. But NOW? It could set you back...

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121607929#Comment_121607929

I think you might be right, you are VERY right with the first part for sure.

I have time to make a decision that is good for ME, and I want to keep it on my terms as well. I have had enough of her dictation terms with my emotions and feelings. No more.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121608388#Comment_121608388

I'm glad to hear it. I was about to reply and say that the friends advising you to do things on your own terms were giving you the best advice of all. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you parking a decision on this for now and coming back to it in the future. There is no rush on this.

It isn't as if you haven't given her chances to make her feelings known. Unlike most couples in relatively short-lived relationships, you've already been through counselling. When you broke up with her, she got to say plenty. She had another bite of the cherry when you met up for your birthday. You've had contact since then. You didn't ghost her or break up by text or end it in a public place (advice sometimes given here for good reason). The time has to come where you cut the apron strings. She too is an adult and she too has to figure out her way through this. She'll be fine if this conversation never happens, as will you.