Ended the relationship

Frank Bullitt

So yesterday, I ended my 4.5 year relationship and today I don't feel human at all.

It had been on my mind for a while, while things were great at points throughout, lately I really just realized that I could just not be the man or person she needs me to be.

The breakup itself was pure hell, easily the worst thing I have ever done or been part of, ever. She pleaded with me and begged me not to, she said she would change and that it would get better and so on. It broke my heart and hers.

Today, my birthday of all days, I am filled with guilt and sorrow, it is pretty much coming out of my ears. And in the midst of that I am second guessing my decision, which I think is probably natural.

My friends are being ultra supportive about it all, I don't live in Ireland and I fly home tomorrow and I was excited for that, but I really am not right now.

I just feel like i have torn up another persons heart, and the guilt that comes with it is huge. She is a good person, deserves the best, has a great heart...

My friends are telling me it gets easier...I really hope they are right.

Thanks.

growleaves

You have done the right thing and needn't feel guilty. A weaker person would have just stayed in the wrong relationship out of passivity, fear or a misguided sense of obligation.

Your friends are right and you will (perhaps slowly, but no matter) recover. You will now be in Ireland and among friends, and can enjoy that.

Happy birthday.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121467304#Comment_121467304

Thank you.

I keep replaying her pleading to me, it's broken my heart and will.

ElizaBennett

That's really really rough. While you're both going through awful pain, you also have the added anguish of doubting whether it was the right decision and guilt for hurting her. That's going to be hard to endure for a while and there's no way of getting through it without just going forward and learning to live with it. Be thankful that your friends are there to support you. Don't feel you have to be in good form all the time during your visit. It's ok to wallow, it's very early in this process. Almost everyone who goes through this does get over it though. Just takes time. Try not to be in contact with her. That will help you both. Don't give her false hope by checking in etc.

Dial Hard

I remember your last thread about this relationship. That was over two years ago and you were having serious doubts even back then, so I think it's probably safe to say you've made the right choice. My advice back then was that your girlfriend sounded insecure at best and controlling at worst - her reaction to you ending the relationship hasn't disabused me of that notion.

It was a long relationship with more than it's fair share of ups and downs, from what you've shared previously. So you're obviously going to be pretty shell-shocked now that you've finally ended it. Come home, regather yourself, lean on your friends and family and most importantly, be kind to yourself. Try not to let yourself get dragged into protracted "But why?" and "I'll change" and "You must never have loved me" conversations with your ex. There'll be break-up logistics and an aftermath to deal with eventually, but now is not the time.

Mind yourself.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121467799#Comment_121467799

I knew someone would remember my old threads.

It did get better over time, but ultimately there were and are cracks in who we fundamentally are.

Today, I mainly think that what I wanted before and was set on, is not what I want now. Is this normal?

Idbatterim

Sorry to hear this OP, these situations are BRUTAL! Did you try couples counselling or do you thing it would have helped? Either way, I suppose you cant stay in a mental limbo for years, its exhausting. Also settling isnt an option for many, even if you know its going to be hard to walk away. Initially when something ends, I think we feel huge emotion, I think when you do the breaking up, you are nearly mostly sad for the other person, because they will likely hurt more, then of course there is your huge loss too... You likely shared so many good times and some bad times and in a way, can become bonded over the shared trauma. I will tell you one thing, in relation to this, if this has been on your mind for quite some time, and you were broken up once, take a look at the below and jump to

Was taking a break an option or did you try that? 4.5 years is a LONG time. Your gut is usually right...

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121468083#Comment_121468083

We did couples counselling and I felt it helped a bit, but ultimately it still left the feelings of not being enough or not fully who she wanted me to be.

I am no angel or saint at all, I accept my part in all of this.

I don't know if a break is an option, especially now. She did ask for that last night and I just needed to be alone so the conversation never evolved beyond that. All my mates are telling me that my emotions now are right, that this is the right thing but with it feeling so fresh it is hard to not think that this is a mistake and my guilt is taking over.

Tork

Frank, I remember your other threads as well. I think you need to be very careful about how much contact you're keeping with your ex. She's going to try her best to guilt and manipulate you into giving things another go. From that perspective, your trip home couldn't have come at a better time. You need to put some distance between you and her. It'll also help to be back with the people you love in Ireland.

It's only natural that part of you is regretting the break-up. It was a long-term relationship and you still care about your ex. You're now faced with having to restart part of your life from scratch and that is daunting. Do you still feel unsettled in Canada, by the way? If you still are, that's not going to help. You'd also have to have a heart of stone not to feel upset about the tears and the pleading and the promises coming from your ex. What your friends are telling you is 100% correct. Break-ups are really difficult and messy and complicated. It doesn't mean they shouldn't happen.

It's telling that you were having doubts about this relationship over 2 years ago. Did anything change, or did you try to tell yourself it was getting better? It's ominous that you needed couples counselling despite being together a relatively short time. All couples have their ups and downs but this seems to have been harder work than it should've been.

Idbatterim

Taking two to three weeks apart, could be an option. Look logistics could make this easy or very difficult. Then again, you are in a mental limbo when on a break. ok, Ive been through this type of thing. What you could do is, stay broken up, tell her you need time and space, you will be in touch in a reasonable time frame, to let her know if you intend on sticking with your current decision. It seems if you ended it, she will agree to this, she has to.

Take a look at this though, I found it very, very relevant. Jump to Number 7... the full video is fascinating though...

The 9 Iron Rules of Tomassi - YouTube

Tork

Just to add, people don't change that much. If you decide to give things another go, you're going to find yourself back right here eventually. The shock and upset from the break-up will affect you both for a while but then it will wear off. You'll go back to where you were before this. Your ex's promised changes won't last either. You had 4½ years to try and make this relationship right and you never did. What makes you think anything will change in the future?

joebert80

I was in your situation this time last year.. similar length relationship. Filled with guilt after ending the relationship.. What I would say is remember the WHY you broke up.. Because in the coming weeks & months, you will find yourself focusing on all the good times you had with your partner and to a much MUCH lesser extent, remembering the not so good times and the reason why you decided it was best to end it.. This, at least in my situation, had me regularly second guessing my decision but as time went on, my thoughts became more rational and I became more certain that I made the right decision and that I'm not the asshole I was telling myself I was.

So just be conscious of that when your brain starts racing, give it time and don't be too hard on yourself. And definitely give yourselves space.

Idbatterim

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121468251#Comment_121468251

Certain stuff can be easier to change "you are working far too many hours etc", "youre out way too much" these could be true and are pretty easy to change, but if its far more complicated scenario, like it probably is, with personality differences etc, then you, people dont tend to change too much...

YellowLead

You’ve absolutely done the right thing OP. It’s actually best for both of you that you don’t sacrifice yourself to a relationship you’re not happy in. It’s going to be a tough few months - tell her no contact is best because otherwise you’ll be tempted. You’ll both move on quicker cold turkey. The rest of your life awaits ☺️

nachouser

Happy, functional, good relationships don't end in break-ups. That's what it comes down to in the end. Remember the good stuff, but don't beat yourself up about the bad stuff.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121468174#Comment_121468174

Thanks, Tork!

Still in relative limbo here in Canada, it is hard to not feel that at times when your mind is playing tricks all the time. I have been going back and forth on this all morning and afternoon, it is really doing a number on me where I feel more so that I have made a mistake. It could be that that is the case, or that it is too fresh for me still.

The trip is timed very well, I know I need that time at home to figure things out and at the same time, it will be good for her to also have that time as well.

The relationship did really get better, we went on more trips and I brought her to Ireland as well. The love was and is real, and we both do really care for each other, which makes it all the more difficult.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted.

As per the charter - Do not post links to/embed videos, they are banned in this forum.

Hilda

listermint

I think you've made the difficult and right choice. 2 years into a relationship and requiring relationship counselling is red flag already. It's not your job to repair someone or them you. If people are finding difficulty that quickly in then they really aren't compatible.

Your going to run up against huge mental roadblock coming up with the time of year that's in it. But remember the reasons, remember even what the reasons for counselling were that soon after getting together.

You'll have to start thinking of concentrating on yourself and your own happiness in the moment. That's important right now. Not fixing other people.

All the best.

Frank Bullitt

Landed back home today and I am not a very pleasant person, won’t lie.

Lots of time to think about a lot on the plane, and landing to a miserable Dublin and being jet lagged hasn’t helped. I am finding resentment towards my friends and my family right now. I don’t see Ireland as home at all, and this with all my mates happy to see me here etc.

I know I need time for this, we actually both met before I flew back and we both agreed time apart is well needed.

I’ll have to be more mindful of my thoughts as well, I’ve been able to identify that what I am currently thinking is very irrational and just based on a fresh set of emotions that don’t truly represent anything.

Time, the great healer, it tells all.

listermint

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121475870#Comment_121475870

Hard to tell people what to think. But what I will say is be present.

If you spend your time here going over conversations you've had with herself then you'll ruin it. You'll ruin yourself and you may even ruin other relationships with those you hold dear.

Note you mention you met before you left. Knock that stuff on the head. This relationship you describe isn't one, It's a boat load of poison and extreme emotions.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121475912#Comment_121475912

We met as it was my birthday, of all days.

We have thousands of kilometres between us now and we have agreed to radio silence, so that will do us both the world of good, I have no doubt.

You’re right about being in the present as well, I have been leaning into that more lately for my own mental health. Appreciate you mentioning that.

Mike Lason

everything will pass in time, you are broken and it is normal to feel this way

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121475968#Comment_121475968

Are you sure you weren't using your birthday as an excuse? It's obvious that you're suffering from a huge attack of buyer's remorse and your brain is busy rewriting the past. Try not to lose sight of the facts that (1) This relationship was troublesome enough for you to need couples counselling. You've also had threads on boards about it and confided in the people close to you (2) Your decision to break up came after a lot of thought. Don't let tears and promises and loneliness sway you. Also, try not to become embittered towards your friends and family. They aren't mind-readers and they don't know what you want or need at the moment.

I watched that video which has since been removed and was struck by one comment that the guy made. Be very very careful of "make up" sex and getting her pregnant. Your girlfriend's neediness and controlling tendencies may have abated over time but do they ever really go away? Be careful. Especially if you still aren't fully at peace with living in Canada.

Idbatterim

Listen, I have been sending these videos to my mates and its nail, hammer , head, even for guys that are very experienced in relationships and would be aware of this stuff... I will say one thing for sure, ZERO contact, it has to be that to make a proper and clear decision, you make the hard choice, then your head gets messed up, have I made the right choice etc, you arent actually in a right frame of mind, to make the choice about giving it another go, when your mind is a mess, you know you can immediately ease the pain and get an INITIAL swell of an emotional high by trying AGAIN. That is why, I really think 3-4 weeks, which is still a very short time, but it allows you to start seeing the wood for the trees... Again, zero contact being absolutely essential in my opinion...

thefa

Agree with what’s been said above. Following through with a breakup you instigated can be as tough as starting the breakup. Realizing a lot of the comforts from the relationship you’ve been used to for years are wiped out for an unknown amount of time and losing a really close friend is tough.

Have made the mistake myself of keeping in touch with an ex, trying to maintain a friendship while fully aware there was still unequal love there. It really hampered new relationships maturing.

I see no harm in having met her before you left as long as you didn’t leave the door open to reigniting it. The initial breakup can be so highly charged and leave unanswered questions that it can be beneficial to follow up in person. Bit worried you describe it as agreeing to time apart though but you know your situation best.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121476510#Comment_121476510

I know what you mean, the birthday might have been an excuse, I am not sure to be honest.

We are far apart now, and it is really helping with perspective. I really just have to give it time, get to the gym, continue to do well at work and enjoy my friends company, and avoid overuse of the pub.

Dial Hard

OP I think it's fair to say that even outside of this relationship, you have a tendency to overthink things and second guess yourself. You had couple's counselling with your ex but have you ever been to therapy for yourself? I think it would be enormously beneficial. You don't really seem to know who you are or what you want. It sounds like you've spent your entire time in Canada with one eye cast back to Ireland, but now you're here, it doesn't feel like home anymore.

You seem to constantly have one foot in and one foot out of wherever you find yourself and it's causing you huge anxiety. You need to deal with that.

And I agree with others, the way you've phrased the "time apart" agreement with your ex (?) sounds very much as if you've already retconned the break-up into a break, which is a bit disappointing.

mykrodot

as @Idbatterim said, NO CONTACT is the only thing that works. I have been through hellish breakups in the past, one with serious emotional abuse. I kept going back. I don't know where I got the strength but finally I did and I left. We were in South and East Ireland so luckily there was a physical distance. It's tough, especially in the first week or so, and then as someone says you start remembering the good stuff, rose tinted glasses stuff, not the bad stuff. Your brain plays tricks!

But keep the NO CONTACT rule, read books or online forums on it, get support from that. It works , you get stronger, you get clarity and you realize you've made the right decision. DO NOT be tempted to answer texts, meet for coffee for a birthday or New Year, reminisce on Valentines Day. Just go cold turkey and implement the NO CONTACT rule.

You have broken up for a reason, that will not change. Good luck

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121477933#Comment_121477933

Big user of therapy myself, I have a booking for my counsellor in a few weeks. I have been covering a lot of topics with him over the past 18 months.

I will also clear that is it not a break, to me this is a break up with a radio silence period. We are miles apart so that also helps the headspace a lot.

On the one foot in and one foot out, that is quite accurate to a degree. It is hard to unpack in one post, I put a lot of my identity into my move away, my career, finances and hobbies all flourished when I moved. Ireland is better than when I left, but it is also hard to see a life here but at the same time a life over there. So I am in a weird limbo pretty much all the time.

Have been meditating a lot, trying more and more to be present in the now (puts on Yoda hat), I do over think a lot, I panic at the thoughts of "what might be..." and at the same time, put all of what I have achieved down to luck or chance, not to hard work or me working for it.

ElizaBennett

Just want to reiterate the importance of no contact again. She'll be counting down the days till you're back - she won't be able to help it. She's probably set this period apart as a goal she has to achieve and then, once you're back in Canada, she'll fully expect to touch base with you and ask about the trip etc etc. And so the connection keeps going and the relationship can't end fully. You're both left hanging on.

I'm going through a break-up myself the last few months. As painful as it was, I only began to feel I could cope when we weren't in contact and there was no prospect of contact. I'd started to do very well and - lo and behold - I got a text the other day, just asking how I am etc etc, offering help with something, totally out of the blue. It feels like an excuse to make contact. I don't blame him as it's incredibly hard to end a relationship and not be in contact with someone you shared so much with. But it's the responsibility of the person who called time to make sure they handle the feelings of the other person as well as possible and that means not giving false hope by being in contact. Even if you really want to know that she's okay or catch up with her for genuine reasons, please don't do it. It will only prolong things and it's better that she starts to hate you a little and feel you're uncaring, as that helps the process of getting over it all. Worse for her to remember what a good guy you are and how thoughtful you are to check in.

I'd recommend you don't make contact when you're back. If you think she's expecting you to, maybe give some advance notice that you won't be and you think it's best if you both stay away from each other for at least a couple of months to help things sink in on both sides. All the best.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121475870#Comment_121475870

Its always hard to leave a long term relationship but when the reasons are good the best thing to do is end it.

Regarding this time apart that you agreed on, if its over its over and you need to be clear with her. Not agreeing that time apart is good. I can almost guarantee that she will be waiting on this time to be over and hopeful of some reconciliation. You need to be clear with her now, even if that means breaking the no contact rule, that you are done. Otherwise you'll have had weeks of healing but she'll have had weeks of hoping and eventually when you return back you're back to square one.

Take time to yourself, enjoy the change of scenery and time with family and friends. Time is the great healer and you just have to go through it.