Owed 3K by somebody who refuses to engage

He insists he is earning from “”father’s pension” which is really strange to me. Unless I am missing something. Father was British, Army too, maybe there’s sone continuity pension for offspring?. Zero response

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121212149#Comment_121212149

Forget the money. You're not getting it back. It's all lies

spaceHopper

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121212149#Comment_121212149

Most likely he has access to his father's account and he hasn't told them he's dead so the money keeps coming. Eventually this will catch up to him and they'll want their money back, including legal charges for fraud. Look none of it is your business, he doesn't want your advice and he's unlikely to repay you. Put your energy into something else.

tesla_newbie

Presumably the loan was off the books ?

if it was , any court proceedings would like be in vain as the other party could simply claim you gave the money as a no strings gift

sorry OP

Ginger83

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121212149#Comment_121212149

How about saying pay me what you owe and I won't ask DSP to investigate your father's pension?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121213345#Comment_121213345

I’ve been blanking this out of my mind for a while, other more pressing issues re major health issues. Still those health issues have cost me a lot of money. I am of two minds about all of this. He’s not, let’s say, beyond bending the truth to suit an instance, but overall he is very prone to over-complicating things for himself, let alone anyone else. Creates 2 problems where 2 might originally exist. Also I think there might be an element of mild bipolar or something where focus is lost or diverted, there’s also episodes of depression.

Actually rather like myself, except I have a hell of a better oversight I or handle on my own situation.

One irony is that in response to hearing I had diagnosed MS he said he had just been to neurologist diagnosed with brain atrophy of the cerebellum… related to B1 (thiamine) deficiency from alcoholism. I sent a high dose pack, as I know full well the sheer amount of brain damage this causes. Tablets likely down the toilet, no acknowledgement of course. Denial larger than a former top earner of a Montrose salary.

I did make a minor deal but I’ve made so many many many many deals with this person. €5 per month repay, just to keep him “engaged” in the prices. Inotherwords not conveniently pretend to forget about it altogether.

I learned from a friend of his, an email via LinkedIn, that I am not the only one owed, per se. A “business deal” with an input promise that ended up null and void. The guy has withdrawn public profile since, no wonder.

Not been able to get work in a niche area of work in IT, where reputation counts a helluva lot. Not skilled in alternative employment, or has tons of excellent skills but employers expect a climbing resumé rather than a static or “declining” one. I personally think this is crazy, no different to taking in part-time work which is a totally legit thing. 🤷‍♀️

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121284623#Comment_121284623

5 euro a month? it will take them 50 years to pay you back at 5 euro per month.

it should be more like 100 euro per month.

Sono

sorry to hear this situation OP but your naivety is quite something, €5 a month is a complete waste of time, just forget about it and learn from it, you ain’t getting this money back, it’s not what you want to hear but you’ve believed lies, it’s about time you believed the truth.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121284723#Comment_121284723

There is a house being sold; I absolutely do NOT take joy in anyone’s bereavement or sake if family home, I think it is saddest of times from a human level. However I’m wary that a desperate person will go beyond reasonableness in ordinary disbursements, distribution of inheritance. I made sure to write to sibling to ensure fairness to them in view of severe addiction of sibling who is in debt.

I do get furiously annoyed but my one constant is that I have NO wish to see this guy in any firm of homelessness, in fact repeatedly urge him to secure a purchase of a roof just ahead of repaying me when it comes to it. I do NOT want to see this homeless, as so easily could happen. Family home is large and valuable, estate to be shared with one sibling AFAIK, other sibling has ordinary variable common sense as people do.

I have said and keep stating but a fecking roof somewhere there’s transport within walking distance, make it a start point and then immediately fecking repay me, and fecking don’t hide under the sand as he keeps on doing between no-sand pop-ups. In an immense irony he gives out about the very eejitry he caries in with. It’s hard wired here, obviously.

I am keeping an extremely close eye on sale of house and probate.,I will not let individual rrst.

I never in my life reckoned I’d have to be hard nosed like this. I didn’t have that upbringing per se, never saw my parents, both in business, other than use tactical negotiations.

The most vastly annoying thing has been the boasting of a few extraneous sorbs on social media, which I had the audacity to confront, eg “maybe that €300 might have gone to advice the debt * “ One person on site immediately responded they had associate with precisely same issue, but worse. A few friends in the same line of business felt sorry for me (I recently got MS diagnosis) and had idea to club around and help finance me in view of colleague let-down. I graciously declined. This guy simply doesn’t get embarrassed. I don’t think you can afford to in recurrent alcohol detox.

Ardillaun

We lent the same amount to a devout Christian who promptly disappeared. It’s been a joke in the family ever since.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121284797#Comment_121284797

No religion in the family I dealt with except mother who had apparently once been RC, though not reflected later

airy fairy

I'm going to be brutally honest with you. You are naive to the point of being foolish.

This is an alcoholic. No matter how much you are there for this person, he is on a downward spiral. Unfortunately, he needs to hit rock bottom before he realises he needs help, and then, it's only him that can pick himself back up. Not the purchase of a roof over his head, not a new job, nothing. You are facilitating him by making sure he's not homeless, €5 a month in repayments to you and sounds like he's got arrangements with others too. You are not helping him, the more you create a bumper for him and give him a soft landing, the more he will use you, others and family.

An alcoholic is selfish, they don't see anything, have no empathy, will not be concerned of consequences. Until you let him hit the bottom, he cannot make his way up. Nobody can help an alcoholic only themselves.

Step away.

pjordan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121285168#Comment_121285168

RTS - I follow your very intelligent and insightful postings on various threads on the site and it surprises me to find you so persistent and invested (excuse the pun) in this matter, especially when a succession of posters have blatantly pointed out the harsh reality to you that what you describe is a no hoper, with a person with obvious addiction issues. If you ever engage with Al Anon or similar, one of the first things you learn is that you have to stop providing a crutch for people like this. Face it, your money is gone! No amount of self debate or justification to your own conscience or better nature putting forward a series of reasons or excuses as to why you feel a need to help this person (to indirectly help them repay their debts to you!) mean a thing. The only person that can change this person is themselves and no intervention by you will change that. If you are truly adamant about getting the value of your loan back, then I suggest that the most effective and timely solution is to appropriate some items of similar value to your debt from them. Otherwise let it go and write it off to experience!

Big Bag of Chips

You loaned money to an addict. You are not the only one, as you have since realised. None of you are getting your money back. No amount of "advice" or "keeping a very close eye on things" is going to make a blind bit of difference. You are dealing with an addict whose only interest is keeping the supply going. He has borrowed off people before you and since. He will move from person to person as one supply dries up. When he asked you it was because his source before you had finally said no.

I suggest you read this and step off the merry-go-round. It might be worth passing it on to the colleague who also feels responsible for picking up after him and protecting him from his messes. For as long as you all keep the merry-go-round going, it will keep going.

rob316

Forget it, its gone, you did well to get back half to be honest.

Let it be a lesson don't lend money to friends.

spaceHopper

@[Deleted User] Look this it toxic behavior on your part it's not good for you. You can't solve their problems and you aren't ever going to get you money back or get an apology / justice. Keep them at a distance and forget about them.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121284790#Comment_121284790

Why are you keeping an eye on the house and probate? You have no right or claim to anything? Its not a pleasant thing to happen, but if you have your own health worries, stressing about this money is the last thing you need. You're not going to get an lumpsum payment for €3,000 or anything close to it and watching what he does or spends is just going to make you more bitter about it, which you don't need either.

If he's agreed to pay you €5 a month and that's ok by you, take it. But he'll only default on it and whatever you get will be a drop in the ocean of the €3,000 he owes you. Let it go at this stage.

Tork

What I can't figure out is why you let this person in under your skin in the first place, nor why you chose to lend them such a large amount of money. I don't want to be cruel but this thread is starting to read a little bit like a stalkerish blog. Did/do you see them as some sort of a project? It's all a bit off.

You're viewing this person's honesty through the prism of your own lived experience. Most of us don't like owing money and if we find ourselves in that position, we make sure we pay it back asap. This guy is not you or me or most people. He has a different moral compass, whether that's because of his addiction or simply how he is.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121212149#Comment_121212149

Just on the pension thing. It is technically possible he's claiming & it's all above board. Depending on what his father worked at, some places you could pay into what was called a "Widows & Orphans" fund. It meant that on your death half your pension would go to either your widow or your children. My mam is getting half my dad's pension because of this scheme. Now it does run out so it's highly unlikely I'd every get anything after my mam passes on but just depends on the pension pot (fyi my dad was a teacher so public service).

Furze99

As the old saying goes 'neither a borrower or a lender be'. Fell out with a former friend over similar issue once, owed money, they spending on toys for boys etc. Just cut them out and save the hassle.

GavPJ

I've a feeling that when the borrower gets their inheritance they will be dead soon after

if they are unwell and have an alcohol problem.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121289465#Comment_121289465

I definitely have this overwhelming feeling, I generally am not far wrong in these feelings, but I honestly would MUCH MUCH prefer they remained living, accountable and on a road to recovery. I would prefer that than getting my money back. At least I could continue to persecute rather than prosecute 🤣🧐

My innermost instincts sadly tell me you are getting towards the truth of the eventual outcome. I don’t want that outcome.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121289465#Comment_121289465

I have rethought this and re-thought this, and re-thought this. I have made a fair few predictions re this lad, all came true. He even gave out to me when I mentioned CV was dubious; me for predicting correctly that be would not get a job (given massive unexplained gap CV as well as other not keeping up scenarios in area of expertise.

LinkedIn CV taken off display, underpinnings still there. Quite frankly better off, was an embarrassment if actively looking for a job (without full-in explanations) obvious uk y note recently socio-medical issues at play, must be social welfare benefits I’m not being told of. I’d be reasonable if told, but really get pissed old when taken for a ride.

Think lad had his his head doused in spirits most of time, so overall thinking is minimal.

Dial Hard

No offence, OP, but your fixation on this guy is downright weird. The mental energy you continue to expend on him is worth multiples of the money he owes you. He's living rent-free in your head, to borrow a cliche.

For the love of god, move on.

Big Bag of Chips

Unless this person is a direct relation, as in your son or brother, then you really are far too invested. And even then you're far too invested in an adult man's life. All your interference is doing nothing but making him pull farther away from you. He doesn't want your advice. He doesn't appreciate it. Your "wisdom" and predictions about his life aren't fabulous insights that nobody else can see. He knows it all himself. He's living the life. He knows he's trapped in a downward spiral.

You are not helping. I cannot stress that enough. You are not helping. The more you interfere the worse you make the situation. Back off.

I think Al-Anon might be a good option for you. You are as much of an addict as he is. You are addicted to him. You are addicted to watching, monitoring, judging, catching him out, checking up on him. You need your own recovery before you can even begin to start on anyone else.

Tacchi_Assassini

I agree with the above, you're in far too deep with this. I realise you have health issues, and I appreciate you really need that money. But worrying and obsessing over it won't make it come to you any quicker. I think you could do without the added stress of it, if I'm honest.

He is an alcoholic, and will always put his needs over yours. He's not grateful for your financial help, even if he was at the start. You're a thorn in his side that he resents now.

In your shoes, I'd move on. As a previous poster said, and a saying I live by, 'Never a lender nor a borrower be'. 

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121297075#Comment_121297075

Would love to, was living debt free earlier on, was relatively easy going about it, but you would want to see my medical etc bills. €3K is a feck worth to me now!! I beg your you pardon for wanting to call it in.

I think some of the above advice is deplorable tbh. To the individual who suggested Al Anon where I was advised to “get revenge”’on individual, so fook that advice. Do people really really know the way the cookie crumbles here cos I think there’s an awful lot of amateurs with brothers in law etc proffering advice that might not particularly apply here. it is very, very unhelpful blaming the victim. “If you didn’t wear a short skirt my dear, you wouldn’t be raped”.

I wasn’t raped but I was “swiped” gently (judo type manoeuvre I believe) in my own apartment by this person, it wasn’t strong as he was far too drunk and has since been diagnosed with alcohol-related brain atrophy, also he really is genuinely not inclined this way at all normally. He has a massive variant mood disorder, born of stable parents and with his level-headed sibling, whom his doesn’t get in with. Actually doesn’t get on with anybody who gets to know him at all. That’s part of the disease.

I put this on here a little bit back, but look in every so often, so definitely not on my mind all the time, I certainly make it a very part time occupation, far from it for those who love to do the victim thing here.

Accusing a person of trying to seek back €3K from a reluctant ex friend could be paramount to bullying. Kindly step back if you think you are part of that. Ordinary posters have various opinions, but mod need to take care of the forums and site and perhaps not get too personally engrossed where they see some self-identifier kind of scenario. Thank you.