Considering a threesome

PAI1

Hi. Sorry in advance for how long this post got but I need to dump all my thoughts somewhere.

I'm a straight female in a very happy 5 year relationship. I've never been with a girl, other than the occasional drunken kiss years ago. I've always wanted to experiment further but didn't know how to go about meeting someone interested in the same thing (just experimenting, not a relationship) because I was afraid of somebody I know finding out - stupid, I know. I love my partner and absolutely want a future with him but I really regret never having tried anything with a girl before I met him. I'd never dream of cheating on him so I've been thinking a lot about suggesting a threesome. But I'm afraid because of their reputation for ruining relationships.

I trust my partner, he has never given me reason not to or made me feel insecure when he's around other girls/out without me and I hope he trusts me as much. So I think I could handle seeing him with someone else in this situation only.

In my head the following ground rules would apply to try to avoid jealousy and complications:

- We talk about it a lot before doing anything. Agree on what we are/aren't comfortable with. Try things out in advance just the two of us to figure out how exactly we'd like to include a third person.

- The person we meet should be from as far away as possible, ideally the opposite end of the country or further to avoid bumping into her afterwards.

- We'd both have to agree on who we choose to join us.

- Book a hotel at the opposite end of the country too. She would leave when we're done so that just my partner and I actually spend the night together.

- Unless it's oral he finishes in me, not her. He also uses a condom with her except for bj. (I know there's still a risk of STI but I'm thinking more about risk of pregnancy. We'll think about STIs if we actually move forward. Ideally ask her to do a test first but realistically we won't know if she's lying.)

- It's a one time thing just to see what it's like. I don't want it to be a regular thing and I hope he wouldn't either.

- (plus any rules my partner may want)

Am I crazy?

Am I introducing temptation that might not be there otherwise?

Has anyone been in this position that can share their experience, good or bad?

Anything else we should consider if I do pluck up the courage to suggest it?

(Reading back I realise I may have gone into tmi but I think the ground rules are important if it's going to work)

Kimbot

Well would you not try experiment on your own and see if it something you would be into at all and then maybe have a 3some with your partner involved if it was something you enjoyed?

I have a number of thoughts on this.

First off, you obviously are not happy with remaining entirely in a heterosexual relationship. Understandably this could be hurtful to your partner, in fact it could be devastating. You need to consider the possibility that he may not want to remain in a relationship with you after this disclosure, that is if you have not broached the subject of your bisexuality or homosexuality in any form before. Of course he could be very understanding and accepting, individuals vary in this regard, but many would have inward reservations.

As regards suggesting a threesome, in my experience when a man suggests that to me, a heterosexual female, the suggestion would be for the asking guy’s self-seeking benefit as it theoretically would involve involve another female and I have zero interest in another female present in my sex life. In this suggestion scenario I turn it around and ask “well would you be happy for me to have a second man working one end whilst you do the other, so to speak, to give ME maximum pleasure, because when a person suggests a threesome it is usually for their own fulfilment & gratification without much consideration of the other. And the people who suggested such to me are nothing to write home about. I absolutely abhor the idea myself and I like intimacy to be a cosy thing where more binding oxytocin is generated, so pleasurable in its mental well-being as well as physical effects. Bit that’s just me, everyone is different.

However in your case, it would be a female, which your heterosexual make partner might be agreeable to and actually very much enjoy. So you could be pushing an open door.

You know your partner as much as anyone can really know another, and you are obviously very keen to explore this and if I were you in this scenario I would gradually begin to explore the idea with him. Don’t immediately force it, but take any opportunity that presents itself to broach the topic in a general way to see how he might possibly react to an eventual full-on suggestion. I feel you are going to reach the stage of straight out asking him in due course, at least whether he agrees or not it won’t come as a complete shock if he was some inkling about your mindset, and you can prepare which direction your life/relationships may go.

Good luck! 🙂

89897

Is it about having a threesome or about experimenting with a woman?

If you truly want a threesome then bring it up, if its about being with a girl then i think in reality him also being with her might bring about some issues you didn't even know would be an issue. You seem to have a very trusting monogamous relationship and thats great so hopefully open communication is no problem for you. However if your end goal is to see what being with a woman is like then maybe you need to really dig deep and ask yourself if this is the best way.

TheadoreT

Few confusing aspects of your post.

You call yourself straight yet seem adamant for this to be with another woman. So it's not really a threesome you want, it's just a guilt free way to explore your sexuality. You're bi curious at the very least.

And telling yourself that it's only going to be a once off seems strange. If you've an urge for women now it's not like scratching that itch once will suddenly get rid of your attraction, if anything it will heighten it if you experience feelings you never have before.

So I think you need to be a little more honest with yourself about your sexuality before even talking with your boyfriend. He deserves the full facts if agreeing to go forward with this.

PAI1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120321542#Comment_120321542

I wouldn't cheat on him so thought that this could be a solution that both of us might enjoy.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120321587#Comment_120321587

Thank you, you've worded that really well. Ultimately I do want a heterosexual relationship* and I love what I have with my partner, I just wish that I had satisfied this desire before I met him. I like your suggestion of introducing the topic slowly. I'm not in any rush but I'd love to try it at some stage. If he's not comfortable with it I would never push it, I just don't want to regret not suggesting it and wondering what if.

*Just to be clear I have nothing against same sex relationships, it's just not something I had ever seen in my future.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120321651#Comment_120321651

Being honest it's about trying something new with a woman but because I'm in a relationship I want to include my partner so that I don't betray his trust. Like you suggest, I'm worried that I could risk losing what we have.

Kimbot

Well you could be risking what you have but if it is about you just trying something new talk to your partner and tell him how your feeling. He could decide that its perfectly ok for you to explore another woman with or without him.

YellowLead

You want to explore your sexuality and experience another woman, and are just including him so he can be part of it/you don’t want to cheat, as opposed to you specifically want a threesome. They’re different. Whether your honest or not about that when you bring it up with himself may have a bearing on his enthusiasm for same. At the end of the day you want to have sex with other people who aren’t him, regardless of gender. He may indeed jump at the opportunity, but navigate with caution as to how this might change things for your relationship - how one off do you really think it’s going to be.

Also, don’t forget about the others in this process if it’s a threesome - you have a lot of rules already about who gets to do what to who :) Finally, it will likely take some time to find the right person, somebody you both would like. I know a couple looking for over a year and they are both very attractive but can’t find anyone they are interested in online. But if it’s what you want and your bf is fully on board knowing all the facts good luck with it all and enjoy.

Faith

My biggest concern is that this could open a can of worms. You’re assuming the only outcome is an enjoyable, consensual sexual experiences that scratches an itch and you and your partner return to a normal, loving, couple afterwards.

But what if the itch remains, but is now stronger? What if you want to repeat the experience but your partner doesn’t? What if you realise you prefer being with women sexually? What if you see your partner f*cling another woman and can’t handle the jealousy that you never anticipated? What if this, one way or another, destroys your current relationship?

I don’t know, I’m a bit risk averse myself. I enjoy fantasies, but I personally wouldn’t pursue them when they could jeopardise my relationship because, on the balance, I prefer my relationship to satisfying some curiosity or fantasy that I might not even enjoy in reality. It’ll depend a lot on how well you know your partner and whether he has ever stated any opinions on non-monogamy.

Calahonda52

From Yellow lead

You want to explore your sexuality and experience another woman, and are just including him so he can be part of it/you don’t want to cheat, as opposed to you specifically want a threesome. They’re different.

This is the key piece.

The former is somewhat less risky than the latter but both are fraught with a lot of downside risk.

The other piece is what are you trying to experience: is it the big O and all that comes with that before and after, ( possibly with toys ) or do you want to experience the emotional and other bits that come with a "loving" relationship with another woman.

I wish you well

@Calahonda52

You know your partner so you'll have to judge that part.

The area I would have concern, if I were him, is that you are at a minimum Bi. Now if that's the case and you just want to scratch that off your bucket list, fine.

My worry, as him, would be that you are using this to gauge where your sexuality sits and that you may actually be gay but never allowed yourself to explore that part of your make-up. No, if you're gay then you are gay but your relationship is effectively over anyway but not fair on him to continue or use him as a testing pad.

You need to do some proper self reflection before you proceed here.

Sorry if this seems like I'm trying put words in your mouth but your post seems to paint a bit more forceful level of attraction to women that just a bucket list kind of thing.

Also: Just reading @Calahonda52 above. Be very careful with toys, if they are not something you've used before. Make sure that he is comfortable in himself in performance/shape/size! etc, especially as you're bringing another person into it. That could be a lot to throw at someone.

TheadoreT

How are you planning on finding this woman? Will you book a prostitute or try to find her through some dating site or other? It's a fairly niche area. And given there's 3 people involved it's even more niche that each person involved fancies one another so it's an actual fun experience for everyone. Do you and your boyfriend have the same tastes in women?

You'd find a man a lot easier than a woman so don't underestimate the actual logistical side of this.

Calahonda52

Thinking about this again.

You need to figure out what your B/F is doing there?

Is it for you to remain faithful etc?

IMO just go solo to experience what you want to experience, which from your first post is being with a woman.

The B/F being there will distract you as you will either consciously or otherwise be wondering how he is "getting on" /makes of all this etc.

AyeGer

This has failure written all over it imo. Unless you are both very confident it could be very awkward introducing a 3 person to the bedroom. Would your boyfriend end up being an observer in this encounter?

If you are interested in experimenting would you not be better to go meet a woman on the quiet yourself. I know this would be cheating but maybe you need to scratch this particular itch.

It’s also possible you find out you didn’t enjoy being with a woman at all. At least then you haven’t brought your partner into a very awkward situation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120324035#Comment_120324035

This was my take away as well. The inclusion of the third person (a girl) seemed very transactional - unless your boyfriend is Harry Styles, do you think this is possible? Now, this may be me being very naive, and there may be a website just for that. When I was reading your message it seemed like an escort (to use the most friendly name possible) was the obvious requirement. If an escort is being included, do you really think that's a real experience, and you know... yuk.

A good proportion of men fantasise about serving two women... in reality it may not live up to expectations. So, you get to live out your fantasy of being with a woman, but you're also seeing your partner being intimate with another person. How would that make you feel? At minimum your relationship is changed forever.

With that said, are you considerably denying your sexuality by not pursuing this?

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note @micar I have deleted your post.

Please read the PI charter in full before posting here again.

Reminder to ALL, once again re offering to engage in PMs.

Hilda

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058266239/reminder-pming-in-relationship-issues

Wanderer78

if you want to put your relationship into serious jeopardy, go for it, if not.....

Kurooi

You have to consider how he will feel being asked that. Did you ever float it as an opinion/discussion, joke even? probe how he feels about it. He's 5 years into a relationship. He likely thinks he's building something. Many may not see the fun in it and instead think the relationship has gone bad and crumbles.

If you do go ahead, make sure to catch him in a good mood, when the relationship is healthy, sex is good.

Panthro

You could suggest you and your partner watching some porn next time yer about to get between the sheets? Steer the search towards girl on girl perhaps. If yer tech savvy you could always go the VR headset route. Get yourself some alone time and give it a whirl. Fantasy is one thing, following through is completely different (I'm guessing!)

bucketybuck

What will you do if he tells you that he wants the third person to be a man?

By the way, you keep talking about trust. But you want to sleep with other people, you are going to lose all trust no matter how you dress it up or pretend that he has a choice in this.

looksee

Once something has been said it can't be unsaid. Taking your time and seizing a moment - possibly even a moment you have contrived, is there a film with an incidental 3-some in it that you could turn to him and say 'would that set-up turn you on?' You could start a rot in your relationship with just one sentence. Look at the worst case scenario and ask is your relationship or your itch more important?

PAI1

Thanks everyone I appreciate the honesty. That's why I posted here first to get some perspective.

My boyfriend is more important to me than any fantasy or itch. In an ideal world I would have explored this before I met him, which is my own fault so I'm willing to accept that the boat might have sailed if it would ruin our relationship. What's ironic is that I was asked to join a couple in bed years ago but I was far too young at the time so backed out. I would have welcomed the opportunity if it came 5 or 10 years later. Maybe that's what put it in my head in the first place.

My post might have come across as being attracted to a relationship with a girl but it's more of an urge to experience the purely physical side.

Honestly I haven't looked into how to find someone, at the moment I'm just trying to work out whether it's something that's worth suggesting or something that I should try to let go. But it definitely wouldn't be a prostitute/escort.

My biggest takeaway from the comments is that I hadn't fully appreciated the doubts that it could put in my boyfriend's head. I thought by sharing the experience with him it would show that I'm not interested in being with another person per se, but to explore this urge with him involved and in a way that we might both enjoy. I need to think about it a lot more and suss him out before I suggest anything. And if he doesn't seem interested when I hint at it I'll accept that and won't entertain the idea any further.

bucketybuck

Get real here, imagine your boyfriend said one night that he wanted to sleep with another woman purely to experience the physical side, because he regretted not doing it more before he met you. I can guess what the reactions would be.

Absolutely no different to what you are saying, except you have dressed it up in some "Eat, pray, love" style fantasy.

I mean, just what do you think "cheating" is?

As a man, if my girlfriend said she wanted a threesome I would now know that she wants to sleep with other people and the spector of her cheating will hang over the relationship until the day it ends.

micar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120324743#Comment_120324743

Why don't you watch porn together involving 1 guy and 2 girls......mention half way through that it turns you on and he if ever thought about a threesome. ....and see where it goes.

He might be reluctant to say yes incase he thinks that you'd have no interest

.......and take it from there.

Most guys would jump at the chance.

farmingquestion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120324106#Comment_120324106

Was chatting to a woman from a dating site last year and she had a threesome with another man and woman. The man just text her and said if she was up for it and he picked her up and they went at it. She sent me pictures that were taken that night too. This was a woman with teenage kids and all, just a regular woman. Couldn't believe when she told me tbh. So finding someone wouldn't be that difficult

KevRossi

From personal experience, I think you should consider asking him if he wanted to watch, or if he joins in, then he can only get involved with you, he can't touch the other woman. You may experience jealously if he's with another woman, no matter how much you try to plan it in advance.

As others have said, this can go badly wrong so my advice is the above.

Sleepy

There's a reason that single bi women who are interested in being the third party in a threesome are known as unicorns on swinger sites: there's pretty few of them and they're inundated with messages so you'll be facing a lot of competition for thier interest.

Your description for how you'd like this to happen sounds like you want the third person to be a total stranger with no chance for any follow up and, given that your interest in the threeesome is more to include your partner than a true desire for play with multiple partners, your best option for following through with this could actually be in the swinging community. Couples getting together where only the women play with each other wouldn't be uncommon there. So if you were okay with the third person having her partner there too (maybe the two of ye playing while the lads watch and enjoy a beer or play with themselves etc) that could also be an option.

Given your preference for discretion and the other party leaving after the action, rather than looking for a hotel on the other side of the country I'd suggest looking at some of the swing clubs over in the UK if you decide to go through with this. From my limited experience with them years ago, there were certainly some unicorns in the clubs and plenty of girls from couples playing together. Plus, you'd both be leaving after and it'd descrease the likelihood of anyone from home finding out...

Channel 4 are always doing documentaries on the swinging community, I think there's one coming up on the latest season of Alice Levine's "Sex Actually" show... could be a good way to bring up the topic with your partner?

Larbre34

Your first full sexual experience with another woman should not be with another person there. The roller-coaster of emotions and sensations will be extreme enough without an audience.

Start into this phase of your sexual life gently, privately and slowly.

If it grows into your desire to include another woman in your couple relationship, then thats good.

But threesomes are difficult to negotiate early on, I really recommend you be comfortable with another woman's body and presence before you do it.

But as others are saying, beware of the potential dynamic change in your relationship, beware of not being able to control threesomes with rigid rules and beware that there is no unringing a bell.

Joining small swingers parties with no pressure, maybe just to voyeur or chat and get used to the environment is a really good suggestion.

Best of luck and enjoy the new adventure.

Apiarist

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120324035#Comment_120324035

Easy. There is a special website just for that. Starts with Fab and ends with swingers. Assuming the OP wants a casual sex thing. She would need to filter out tons of requests from men, but she'll find a willing date no problem.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058287104/considering-a-threesome

Just be prepared to lose your partner going down this route. In the majority of cases it doesn't end well.

bitofabind

I think a threesome is going to be fundamentally very different from an "exploring your sexuality with another woman" type of experience. For one, there's an audience and for two, your partner needs to have a role too.

A lot of women fantasise about other women - there's some statistic knocking around I'm sure about women consuming more female on female than heterosexual porn that validates this. It's quite another thing to bring this into the real world and to bring a third party into what sounds like a monogamous relationship purely because you want to experiment with another woman and not specifically because you think it'll enhance your current sex life for the both of you. I think this is a Pandora's box situation - what could it potentially do to your partner's trust and confidence in the relationship? What if you enjoy it more than male on female sex? What if your partner wants to play more of an active role than you seem to want to allow him?

Your rules also seem very rigid and unrealistic. Back in my online dating days, I remember the "couple" profiles who were out for the same thing. I think you'd have more competition on the mainstream apps than you'd realise and wrapping up the proposition in "you need to leave the hotel room immediately after" and "he has to finish in me" is going to push away any woman that might be open to it in the first place.