nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Considering a threesome

PAI1

Hi. Sorry in advance for how long this post got but I need to dump all my thoughts somewhere.

I'm a straight female in a very happy 5 year relationship. I've never been with a girl, other than the occasional drunken kiss years ago. I've always wanted to experiment further but didn't know how to go about meeting someone interested in the same thing (just experimenting, not a relationship) because I was afraid of somebody I know finding out - stupid, I know. I love my partner and absolutely want a future with him but I really regret never having tried anything with a girl before I met him. I'd never dream of cheating on him so I've been thinking a lot about suggesting a threesome. But I'm afraid because of their reputation for ruining relationships.

I trust my partner, he has never given me reason not to or made me feel insecure when he's around other girls/out without me and I hope he trusts me as much. So I think I could handle seeing him with someone else in this situation only.

In my head the following ground rules would apply to try to avoid jealousy and complications:

- We talk about it a lot before doing anything. Agree on what we are/aren't comfortable with. Try things out in advance just the two of us to figure out how exactly we'd like to include a third person.

- The person we meet should be from as far away as possible, ideally the opposite end of the country or further to avoid bumping into her afterwards.

- We'd both have to agree on who we choose to join us.

- Book a hotel at the opposite end of the country too. She would leave when we're done so that just my partner and I actually spend the night together.

- Unless it's oral he finishes in me, not her. He also uses a condom with her except for bj. (I know there's still a risk of STI but I'm thinking more about risk of pregnancy. We'll think about STIs if we actually move forward. Ideally ask her to do a test first but realistically we won't know if she's lying.)

- It's a one time thing just to see what it's like. I don't want it to be a regular thing and I hope he wouldn't either.

- (plus any rules my partner may want)

Am I crazy?

Am I introducing temptation that might not be there otherwise?

Has anyone been in this position that can share their experience, good or bad?

Anything else we should consider if I do pluck up the courage to suggest it?

(Reading back I realise I may have gone into tmi but I think the ground rules are important if it's going to work)

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note @micar I have deleted your post.

Please read the PI charter in full before posting here again.

Reminder to ALL, once again re offering to engage in PMs.

Hilda

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058266239/reminder-pming-in-relationship-issues

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120324035#Comment_120324035

This was my take away as well. The inclusion of the third person (a girl) seemed very transactional - unless your boyfriend is Harry Styles, do you think this is possible? Now, this may be me being very naive, and there may be a website just for that. When I was reading your message it seemed like an escort (to use the most friendly name possible) was the obvious requirement. If an escort is being included, do you really think that's a real experience, and you know... yuk.

A good proportion of men fantasise about serving two women... in reality it may not live up to expectations. So, you get to live out your fantasy of being with a woman, but you're also seeing your partner being intimate with another person. How would that make you feel? At minimum your relationship is changed forever.

With that said, are you considerably denying your sexuality by not pursuing this?

AyeGer

This has failure written all over it imo. Unless you are both very confident it could be very awkward introducing a 3 person to the bedroom. Would your boyfriend end up being an observer in this encounter?

If you are interested in experimenting would you not be better to go meet a woman on the quiet yourself. I know this would be cheating but maybe you need to scratch this particular itch.

It’s also possible you find out you didn’t enjoy being with a woman at all. At least then you haven’t brought your partner into a very awkward situation.

Calahonda52

Thinking about this again.

You need to figure out what your B/F is doing there?

Is it for you to remain faithful etc?

IMO just go solo to experience what you want to experience, which from your first post is being with a woman.

The B/F being there will distract you as you will either consciously or otherwise be wondering how he is "getting on" /makes of all this etc.

TheadoreT

How are you planning on finding this woman? Will you book a prostitute or try to find her through some dating site or other? It's a fairly niche area. And given there's 3 people involved it's even more niche that each person involved fancies one another so it's an actual fun experience for everyone. Do you and your boyfriend have the same tastes in women?

You'd find a man a lot easier than a woman so don't underestimate the actual logistical side of this.

[Deleted User]

You know your partner so you'll have to judge that part.

The area I would have concern, if I were him, is that you are at a minimum Bi. Now if that's the case and you just want to scratch that off your bucket list, fine.

My worry, as him, would be that you are using this to gauge where your sexuality sits and that you may actually be gay but never allowed yourself to explore that part of your make-up. No, if you're gay then you are gay but your relationship is effectively over anyway but not fair on him to continue or use him as a testing pad.

You need to do some proper self reflection before you proceed here.

Sorry if this seems like I'm trying put words in your mouth but your post seems to paint a bit more forceful level of attraction to women that just a bucket list kind of thing.

Also: Just reading @Calahonda52 above. Be very careful with toys, if they are not something you've used before. Make sure that he is comfortable in himself in performance/shape/size! etc, especially as you're bringing another person into it. That could be a lot to throw at someone.

Calahonda52

From Yellow lead

This is the key piece.

The former is somewhat less risky than the latter but both are fraught with a lot of downside risk.

The other piece is what are you trying to experience: is it the big O and all that comes with that before and after, ( possibly with toys ) or do you want to experience the emotional and other bits that come with a "loving" relationship with another woman.

I wish you well

Faith

My biggest concern is that this could open a can of worms. You’re assuming the only outcome is an enjoyable, consensual sexual experiences that scratches an itch and you and your partner return to a normal, loving, couple afterwards.

But what if the itch remains, but is now stronger? What if you want to repeat the experience but your partner doesn’t? What if you realise you prefer being with women sexually? What if you see your partner f*cling another woman and can’t handle the jealousy that you never anticipated? What if this, one way or another, destroys your current relationship?

I don’t know, I’m a bit risk averse myself. I enjoy fantasies, but I personally wouldn’t pursue them when they could jeopardise my relationship because, on the balance, I prefer my relationship to satisfying some curiosity or fantasy that I might not even enjoy in reality. It’ll depend a lot on how well you know your partner and whether he has ever stated any opinions on non-monogamy.

YellowLead

You want to explore your sexuality and experience another woman, and are just including him so he can be part of it/you don’t want to cheat, as opposed to you specifically want a threesome. They’re different. Whether your honest or not about that when you bring it up with himself may have a bearing on his enthusiasm for same. At the end of the day you want to have sex with other people who aren’t him, regardless of gender. He may indeed jump at the opportunity, but navigate with caution as to how this might change things for your relationship - how one off do you really think it’s going to be.

Also, don’t forget about the others in this process if it’s a threesome - you have a lot of rules already about who gets to do what to who :) Finally, it will likely take some time to find the right person, somebody you both would like. I know a couple looking for over a year and they are both very attractive but can’t find anyone they are interested in online. But if it’s what you want and your bf is fully on board knowing all the facts good luck with it all and enjoy.

Kimbot

Well you could be risking what you have but if it is about you just trying something new talk to your partner and tell him how your feeling. He could decide that its perfectly ok for you to explore another woman with or without him.

PAI1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120321542#Comment_120321542

I wouldn't cheat on him so thought that this could be a solution that both of us might enjoy.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120321587#Comment_120321587

Thank you, you've worded that really well. Ultimately I do want a heterosexual relationship* and I love what I have with my partner, I just wish that I had satisfied this desire before I met him. I like your suggestion of introducing the topic slowly. I'm not in any rush but I'd love to try it at some stage. If he's not comfortable with it I would never push it, I just don't want to regret not suggesting it and wondering what if.

*Just to be clear I have nothing against same sex relationships, it's just not something I had ever seen in my future.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120321651#Comment_120321651

Being honest it's about trying something new with a woman but because I'm in a relationship I want to include my partner so that I don't betray his trust. Like you suggest, I'm worried that I could risk losing what we have.

TheadoreT

Few confusing aspects of your post.

You call yourself straight yet seem adamant for this to be with another woman. So it's not really a threesome you want, it's just a guilt free way to explore your sexuality. You're bi curious at the very least.

And telling yourself that it's only going to be a once off seems strange. If you've an urge for women now it's not like scratching that itch once will suddenly get rid of your attraction, if anything it will heighten it if you experience feelings you never have before.

So I think you need to be a little more honest with yourself about your sexuality before even talking with your boyfriend. He deserves the full facts if agreeing to go forward with this.

89897

Is it about having a threesome or about experimenting with a woman?

If you truly want a threesome then bring it up, if its about being with a girl then i think in reality him also being with her might bring about some issues you didn't even know would be an issue. You seem to have a very trusting monogamous relationship and thats great so hopefully open communication is no problem for you. However if your end goal is to see what being with a woman is like then maybe you need to really dig deep and ask yourself if this is the best way.

[Deleted User]

I have a number of thoughts on this.

First off, you obviously are not happy with remaining entirely in a heterosexual relationship. Understandably this could be hurtful to your partner, in fact it could be devastating. You need to consider the possibility that he may not want to remain in a relationship with you after this disclosure, that is if you have not broached the subject of your bisexuality or homosexuality in any form before. Of course he could be very understanding and accepting, individuals vary in this regard, but many would have inward reservations.

As regards suggesting a threesome, in my experience when a man suggests that to me, a heterosexual female, the suggestion would be for the asking guy’s self-seeking benefit as it theoretically would involve involve another female and I have zero interest in another female present in my sex life. In this suggestion scenario I turn it around and ask “well would you be happy for me to have a second man working one end whilst you do the other, so to speak, to give ME maximum pleasure, because when a person suggests a threesome it is usually for their own fulfilment & gratification without much consideration of the other. And the people who suggested such to me are nothing to write home about. I absolutely abhor the idea myself and I like intimacy to be a cosy thing where more binding oxytocin is generated, so pleasurable in its mental well-being as well as physical effects. Bit that’s just me, everyone is different.

However in your case, it would be a female, which your heterosexual make partner might be agreeable to and actually very much enjoy. So you could be pushing an open door.

You know your partner as much as anyone can really know another, and you are obviously very keen to explore this and if I were you in this scenario I would gradually begin to explore the idea with him. Don’t immediately force it, but take any opportunity that presents itself to broach the topic in a general way to see how he might possibly react to an eventual full-on suggestion. I feel you are going to reach the stage of straight out asking him in due course, at least whether he agrees or not it won’t come as a complete shock if he was some inkling about your mindset, and you can prepare which direction your life/relationships may go.

Good luck! 🙂

Kimbot

Well would you not try experiment on your own and see if it something you would be into at all and then maybe have a 3some with your partner involved if it was something you enjoyed?