Stubborn single mother who won't get a boyfriend. Anyone else in the same situation?

JackieChang

When I head home to visit the mother there's always something that needs fixing. Leaky tap or a bit of something stuck in the lawn mower. Something needs screwing into the wall or whatever.

I don't mind doing it when I'm visiting but when I'm not there she'll just deal with all the problems until the next time myself or the brother is around.

One of the times she did try to fix a problem herself she fell off a chair and broke a rib. The thing is she didn't tell me this happened until I called a few days later for a catchup and she said "oh by the way I'm in the hospital".

I'm always telling her to get a boyfriend but she says she's too set in her single life ways and doesn't want to be disturbed. She's not ancient or anything and can still go on dating sites or to the pub etc. Early 60s. She often has bachelors hitting on her. She's just stubborn and set in her ways.

But I often think 20 years into the future when a fall could mean guaranteed death or she needs help bringing the shopping in from the car. I'll probably have my own little ones to deal with and won't have time to come down for visits that often.

Would it be mean if I said to her: "Listen if you don't get a boyfriend, I'm going to be sending you to a nursing home when you're 70."

What do you think?

Augme

I'll ride her. PM me her phone number.

Jim_Hodge

Hilarious. Get a boyfriend just for DIY. Who does it when he's too old to climb ladders or onto chairs? Looking for a general dogsbody?

JackieChang

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120131356#Comment_120131356

Do you have a single parent living alone?

standardg60

Bleedin' selfish self entitled parents, who'd have them?

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120131416#Comment_120131416

I had for over 35 years.

JackieChang

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120131425#Comment_120131425

And how was it when they got old and frail? Were you living nearby? I'm 2 hours away.

You don't just "get" a boyfriend like you'd get a carton of milk.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120131431#Comment_120131431

I wasn't very close by but visited twice a week. I did small jobs and had lawns cut, widows cleaned etc by local trades people. She had numbers for plumbers etc if there was an emergency. Remarrying or getting a boyfriend in her old age would not have made much difference.

afatbollix

You need to move closer to her. Many families do this after spending a few years up in Dublin.

Or get her to move closer to you. (Not going to happen tho)

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058280398/stubborn-single-mother-who-wont-get-a-boyfriend-anyone-else-in-the-same-situation

So you want to look after 2 geriatric's, that are 2 hours away.

Andrea B.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058280398/stubborn-single-mother-who-wont-get-a-boyfriend-anyone-else-in-the-same-situation

Nursing home at 70. She'ld be younger than many of staff 😂

Give her a dig out. Get a system in place.

Potential-Monke

I put my life on hold and moved home to help the parents are they were getting older. Well, that's what I say. I actually moved home after a life changing career decision and a terrible rental market for single people, and it just kinda got comfortable for everyone involved. Now, with my father recently passing, I'm here for whatever my mother needs, life still on hold but I don't think I'd have a mad one anyway...

All my siblings have kids, I don't want them, so it makes sense for me to do what I can in the remaining time she has left. I did live 2 hours away for a while, but they didn't require as much assistance then.

Can't comment on the dating. My parents were together 58 years and married 54. She just lost the person she spent most of her life with, longer than I have been alive. I don't think she'd be interested in moving on. Indeed, she keeps mentioning how she thinks she only has a year left... Your situation sounds different though, my mother is 74.

Jequ0n

Sounds exhausting. Will you inherit when she dies?

gmisk

Leave her to live her own life as she sees fit.

I go home and my folks have a list of IT issues the length of your arm, sure the least you can do is help out a bit given they put up with your crap at home for 18ish years.

Count Dracula

The nursing home bubble is going to make the pension bubble look small enough.

Only around 7 k a month op. I would start saving now. Your ma will need more than a boyfriend at this stage.

I hear Drumcondra is great value.

StevenToast

Im sure youll be impressed if she gets a boyfriend and you end up minding them both in 10 years!

Leave well alone

Count Dracula

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120131447#Comment_120131447

It depends what you're after in fairness?

But agreed, single mothers in their early sixties would be under serious pressure to get a move on.

Single fathers have less worries.

It's tough out there.

riclad

I think most women who want a boyfriend will have one in their 50s it sounds like she's happy the way she is if a man is fit healthy attractive and in his late 50s he's probably got a girlfriend already

or he is lazy rude or not bothered about getting one

There's not alot of handsome healthy fit 60 year old single men out there

Leg End Reject

OP, you need to make sure your mother gets a toy boy. Men die younger and if he's around your age he's not going to be sprightly in a few years.

Now, you need to consider his intentions - is he genuine or looking to con an older lady? You'll need to make sure he's handy about the house and garden.

Maybe you could devise a questionnaire for potential suitors before you introduce them to your mother? So you'd have to set up a profile for your mother on online dating sites but you'd be the one talking to the men. Now the awkward bit - you'll need to have a frank chat with your mother about her sexual preferences.

I hope this helps because I think this is a genuine thread ...

Potential-Monke

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120131739#Comment_120131739

If that's directed at me, then yes, the house is being left to me but only for me to live in. If I move out, it has to be sold and divided between us. I also won't deal with any family fighting over it, so if people are getting bitchy about it, I'll sell it, give them their share and feck away from them. None of us could afford to outright buy it anyway. And I'm sure I'll have at least 1 sibling living with me before long.

It's also a 40 year old house, and while brick and well built, it will soon have age issues so it's not like it's not going to cost me. Buying a house is one thing, owning a house is another, as I've already learned. And not exhausting at all. I don't have to do much beyond what I would be doing if I was living alone. And it's my turn to look after her, she done far more than enough for me over my life. And being an unsocial gamer who works nights (it's worth an extra 14k pa!) makes it easy. This life wouldn't be for the social types.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132253#Comment_120132253

Actually my question had been directed at the OP, but I do appreciate your response as I generally enjoy your posts.

Mrs OBumble

The only man that a woman in her 60s will get is one wanting a nurse or a purse.

Is that really what you want her to face?

Get her the phone number of a local handyman and plumber.

Potential-Monke

I wasn't sure, so I said I'd reply anyway!

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058280398/stubborn-single-mother-who-wont-get-a-boyfriend-anyone-else-in-the-same-situation

You're looking for someone to come around and see to your mother's leaky pipes?

"Something" needs "screwing to the wall", eh?

Are you from Offaly by any chance?

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132287#Comment_120132287

We could set you up with the OP's mother, you seem genuine and she wouldn't know you there as she'd be in bed when you're up and vice versa.

Capt'n Midnight

Rent a room to a handyman.

JackieChang

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120131756#Comment_120131756

Folks - plural. That would be handy I'd love that. You know your dad is around in case anything happens. For example if your mam falls out of the bath or chokes on her dinner.

JackieChang

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120131456#Comment_120131456

If you visited twice a week you must have been very close or on the dole. I'm not able to do that.

As I said, the odd jobs around the house I don't mind doing. But what happens when she gets old and frail? She's already broken her ribs trying to clean the gutter. I just think she needs a partner.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132364#Comment_120132364

If she doesn’t want to pay others to do things, and thinks she can fix things herself, then it’s her own problem if she has an accident and breaks her neck. Just make sure you don’t have to pay for it.

Mrs OBumble

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132353#Comment_120132353

Except that on average, himself will die a good few years before herself.

The DayDream

This is just a mind bogglingly ridiculous post. I can't even...

maninasia

Then don't lol.

I think OP has a point but sure it's up to her at the end of the day.

Packrat

I'm just imagining the replies if the OP was a woman washing and cleaning for her father and suggesting that he "get a partner" to do these tasks for him.

Some people.... jaysus...

zell12

Just tell her to go on holiday to Tunisia and get a toyboy.

Sardonicat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132364#Comment_120132364

Oh no! Loving a whole TWO HOURS away and don't have time to visit twice a week. Another one who works 24hrs a day, 7 days a week and you know already you'll have kids in a few years. How are you going to manage time to impregnate someone, let alone raise them? Poor you!

Sardonicat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132353#Comment_120132353

What if he fell out of the bath or chokes on his dinner?

Deeec

Op What if your new daddy takes your inheritance . 🤔

You also could still have to do all the jobs in years to come - except now you have to look after your mum and her manfriend. You could find yourself in a worse situation.

The only reason your mum should want a partner is for love and companionship. - she may be happy as she is though.She can pay a handyman to do jobs around the house.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132651#Comment_120132651

Then OP's Ma can get a new boyfriend help her with these things.

Sardonicat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132749#Comment_120132749

What if thr OP fell out of the bath or choked on his dinner?

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132364#Comment_120132364

About 2 hours round trip and I most certainly wasn't on the dole. It's called making time for the woman who raised you alone after your father died young and scrimpted and saved to get you to a decent adult life. It's called Love.

Your attitude that a man in her life would salve you of responsibility is cold and self centred to be honest.

TooTired123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132648#Comment_120132648

This post is ridiculous and shows absolutely 0 understanding of the complexities of parent/adult child relationships.

I’m glad you can easily readily willingly commit to 8 hours of driving a week in order to “take care” of a woman in her early 60s with no stated disabilities.

Im 58 and if I thought my daughter felt that’s what she needed to do for me I’d. be horrified and furious too,

Incidentally, as mother grows older, do you think the amount of visits per week should increase? 4 times by 70? 5 times by 75? Daily by 80? What about 85?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132760#Comment_120132760

Then the OP can get himself a girlfriend who can get herself a boyfriend to help with those things.

osarusan

She is happy with her life the way it is and doesn't want a partner.

That doesn't make her stubborn in any way.

Even afte an accident where she broke a rib, she still doesn't want a partner, and apparently is not all that worried about needing daily help.

Unless its a very extraordinary case (and it doesn't seem to be as you lovingly describe her as 'not ancient or anything'), you'll have no power to unilaterally decide she's off to a nursing home when she reaches 70.

Tbh it's hard to believe any of this is serious.

SAMTALK

If I thought my kids were thinking like this I'd be very cross !

Your mother is not old by any means and unless she gets a man 20 years younger it wont be much help. I'm on my own and if something needs doing I ring the relevant person . Believe it or not us mothers can do lots of things without the need of a man. Maybe set her up with phone numbers of local plumbers/electrician/handyman if the burden is too much for you

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058280398/stubborn-single-mother-who-wont-get-a-boyfriend-anyone-else-in-the-same-situation

What do I think? If I was her, I'd tell you to f* off with your notions!

As someone else said, get numbers of a few local tradespeople/ handymen and stick them on the fridge.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132800#Comment_120132800

This is a prime example of "know your posters" before you go on the attack.

Sardi is a full time carer of her late 80's father. She has spent the last few years fighting the system to get a carer to give her one hour respite.

She rarely gets a full night sleep without some drama unfolding.

There's not a week that goes by that she's not in a&e with her dad.

If anyone knows the complexities of parent/child relationship it is her.

I'm sure she'd gladly swap 8 hours a week inconvenience for what she's living through now. At least she'd still have the career she worked bloody hard for and a "normal" relationship with her partner.

But she decided to go down the unselfish route and look after her parent.

tabby aspreme

Jackie, you Mam should look for a FWB, with a particular set of skills, such as, plumbing, tiling, carpentry, painting and gardening.

I’m half thinking this is a joke thread but if it’s serious

you wouldn’t be too impressed if your mother was trying to force you to find a partner so maybe don’t do it to her? If she’s not interested in being with someone then leave her to it. Bit weird you’re this hyper obsessed with your ma getting a ride

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132651#Comment_120132651

Jackie would have to make sure the undertaker that buried the mother's partner was younger and single and set them up.

mct1

Think again. Say your 'single mum' meets a new man and they get married. Happy days. She writes a will leaving everything to him and he promises to see you right when he goes. Sadly she dies. A few years later so does he, and you find out his will leaves everything to his own children, and you get...nothing. It happens.