If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on [email protected] for help. Thanks :)
Hello All, This is just a friendly reminder to read the Forum Charter where you wish to post before posting in it. :)
Hi all, The AutoSave Draft feature is now disabled across the site. The decision to disable the feature was made via a poll last year. The delay in putting it in place was due to a bug/update issue. This should serve as a reminder to manually save your drafts if you wish to keep them. Thanks, The Boards Team.
Hello all! This is just a quick reminder to ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere.

Husband leaving me



  • Registered Users Posts: 334 ✭✭ Xidu

    Even get like 20 years to stay in is good. At least have a roof on top.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,643 ✭✭✭ gameoverdude

    This is wrong advice. The no fault separation/divorce means no fault on either side regardless if he had a 1000 mistresses. It's not taken into consideration.

    Get legal advice.

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,617 ✭✭✭✭ Donald Trump

    The man isn't the one posting though is he? If he starts a thread I am sure people will tell him some useful things from his perspective.

    The practical reality is that, unless there are unusual circumstances not divulged, he will be in a far weaker position when it comes to remaining in the home. Stating that is not "inequality". It is just assuaging some of the OP's possible fears.

  • Registered Users Posts: 25 xyz13

    First priority: contact childcare providers in your area.

  • Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭ BoxcarWilliam99

    There is more to this story id say.

    What have you not told us or is it totally out of the blue


    Warned for Breach of Charter

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on

  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 255 ✭✭ Goodigal

    Tough tough days and weeks ahead OP. I really feel for you. Happened to me - said we'd no chance of being a couple any more but stayed in the house for over a year after that. It's not sustainable. It's incredibly difficult and you'll feel so much resentment and anger, and you won't get the answers you want. All the while trying to function as a parent and employee day to day.

    Try to talk to your Mam and a close friend or two. You need to feel supported and you won't be able to do this on your own.

    Ask him to clarify exactly how this is going to unfold. It's the start of a new phase of your life, one you didn't envisage or want. But you need to get your head around it for the short term.

    Hope you've plenty of strength in you to get through it all. Sending you a massive hug.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,111 ✭✭✭ Sunrise_Sunset

    It was just something that came to mind when I read about having 2 very young kids. I may not be right though. But if he's not willing to have a conversation about it right now, you won't get any answers. Maybe in a few days when things settle down he might be more willing to offer some explanations.

    Definitely hard times ahead regardless. I really do wish you all the best. Get legal advice, get emotional support and mind yourself and the kids.

  • Registered Users Posts: 39 cantfindmyway

    A lot of illinformed "advice" here, which while understandable given the secrecy of family law courts is assuredly misleading in 2023. Two principles of family law in the State: what is in the 'best interests of the child', and ensuring 'proper provision' financially for each spouse.

    First, the 'best interests of the child' claim is naked hypocrisy by the Department of Jusice and Law Reform which has a two-year minimum wait until adult Irish citizens can legally be divorced. On top of this, an inordinately long, highly secretive and uncertain legal process will be added to those two years. And kids will have to endure this for much longer than necessary because of our lack of legal reform. In other words, be prepared for a lot of pain from our legal system which has nothing whatever to do with the "best interests of the child". Nevertheless, the judges are supposed to put the "best interests of the child" at the heart of all cases.

    Second, the OP understandably didn't give sufficient information on the family finances or location of the family home - both of which are vital factors in any court judgement. If, however, there is enough equity in the family home and both parents are sharing parenting it is much more likely that a judge will order that the family home be sold and the proceeds divided evenly - subject to the shared parenting arrangement continuing. If one person is doing 95% of the parenting and there's no equity in the family home, that person might well get to keep it until the youngest is 23 - although if two good homes could be bought when the family home were sold, it is likely the latter would happen.

    Third, to avoid this sort of 50/50 division of parental responsibility/assets, one side attempts to show they are the 'primary parent' and should therefore keep the family home at the expense of the children's father. However, as most mothers - especially in areas like Dublin where house prices are highest/need two incomes - are working outside the home, they will find it very difficult to successfully contend they are the 'primary parent' and therefore should get the family home. The OP should be aware of this. This is where things can become especially nasty, and allegations of abuse almost always enter the fray - mostly laid by the mothers against the fathers. These days, there is a nuance to the abuse allegations: because the "best interests of the child" are emphasised, lawyers will get their clients to focus not on allegations of abuse against the mother but on allegations that the father is a bad father. So, the financial self-interest of wanting the family home is always dressed up as "best interests of the child". On this point, there is an enormous degree of malice, resentment and viciousness laid against fathers in particular. So, while in law men and women have equal rights to the family home, judicial/societal prejudices against fathers as equal parents and plenty of victimhood/martyrdom/tears/drama ensure that the vast majority of fathers have to prove themselves in court in a way women never have to. This, therefore, will benefit the OP.

    Fourth, the fact that renting is invariably significantly more expensive than the mortgage in the same areas would make it even less likely that a judge would allow a mother to stay in a home with hundreds of thousands of euro of equity while ordering that the father must rent. This is especially so in Dublin, where house prices are at Celtic Tiger levels. However, the hope of that happening combined with a lot of ill-informed, outdated legal advice (greatly facilitated by the secrecy of the family law court judgements) ensures that a huge number of women will go for broke and use the law to get everything, most especially the destruction of their ex by forcing him to rent - in "the best interests of the child", of course. In other words, the secrecy of court judgements ensures fear drives the entire family law system, with both sides spending the children's future wealth in legal fess for, em, "the best interests of the child". However, as much as it is a high-stakes game for the men especially - who, unlike the mothers are not threatened with poverty/renting for 20 years - it is a game nonetheless. Some 90% of all divorces are settled out of court and a mere 10% go before a judge. Don't leave the family home.

    Fifth, you would be well advised to consult a specialist family lawyer, be it a solicitor or a barrister. Don't just assume because you're the mother that a court will give you greater rights to parenting your children and living in the family home than the children's father has. FLAC has a free Family Law specialist legal service, which you have to book in advance:

  • Registered Users Posts: 39 cantfindmyway

    There are support groups in Dublin, and probably elsewhere, one of which is meeting tomorrow night, Tuesday 3 January, another of which is meeting next Monday, 9 January. You should find such meetings, and the experiences and advice of other people, very helpful in coming to terms with things. This is a tough time of year, but it gets easier:

    Tomorrow, Tuesday 3 January (Stillorgan):

    Monday, 9 January (Phibsboro) []

  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 16,617 ✭✭✭✭ Donald Trump

  • Registered Users Posts: 39 cantfindmyway

    Oh. The mother "has two kids"? And the father doesn't have two kids? Wow. Please do explain this extraordinary sense of entitlement. Where in Irish law does it say that the children "belong" only to the mother? As Swaine perceptively put it above: the husband is leaving his wife; the father is not leaving his children. For some reason, a large number of wives seem to be unwilling to accept the distinction because, well, they view the children as their personal possession!

    In truth, if a guy is ending a marriage which has kids in it, things must be really, really bad as he risks losing most from doing so. This helps explain why most divorces in Ireland, in one of our few publicised statistics from the family law courts, are initiated by wives. Or, in other words, long before a father leaves the marriage officially, the mother has left it in full awareness of the stories about how well women will do in the family law courts. The sense of female entitlement to "their" children and wholly misplaced female sense of victimhood is even more shocking than the legal fees. And that's saying something. It is one of the most beautiful sights in Irish society to witness a judge, in yet another secretive judgement, knock that female sense of entitlement on its head and grant a good father equal parenting rights to his own children. The fact that cases get all the way to a judge speaks volumes, however, about the existence of that naked gender-based bullying.

  • Registered Users Posts: 39 cantfindmyway

    "the most probable outcome as regards the house would be that you will be staying there with the kids until the youngest one is 18." You don't have enough information from the OP to make that call. There are many reasons and circumstances, some of which I outlined above, why "the most probable outcome" is that a judge will order that the family home be sold.

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,007 ✭✭✭✭ recode the site

    Not saying this is actually the case, but wondering could he have developed a mental health issue which he hasn’t shared with you or anyone. Depression or mood disorders can manifest in various ways including anger and hopelessness, and they often peak around Christmas and new year. Could he have some serious issue with work or with money that he hasn’t revealed. The fact this came out of the blue shows he’s been doing a huge amount of inner rumination and is unlikely to have shared his state of mind with anyone. If there is something like this behind it, maybe some mutual friend could steer him towards getting himself some professional help, the GP would likely be first port of call. On the other hand there could possibly be cheating at play, as in falling in lust/love with someone else he knows at work or online. Or perhaps being emotionally unfaithful, but this could be associated with a mental health issue. One way or the other YOU are the priority, and as others here say, get the practicalities in progress whilst trying to be kind to yourself.

    Do one thing every day that scares you

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,617 ✭✭✭✭ Donald Trump

    My post wasn't that long. You don't save much by only reading half of it

    If you on top of things and get proper advice/assistance, the most probable outcome as regards the house would be that you will be staying there with the kids until the youngest one is 18. Regardless of whose name is on the house or who originally bought it. Unless he wants to provide different accommodation for you. Whether he also stays or not during that time will depend on him and his behaviour.

    The judge will not order the house to be sold if it results in the mother and children being rendered homeless. Nor will it kick the mother and children out of the house to allow the father to live there on his own. Unless, as I said, different accommodation can be provided. That caveat covers the scenario where the house is sold and alternate accommodation is provided using the proceeds. Which was in your big long essay of a post. It also covers the case where they husband provides another house by some other means where he wants to stay in the original house (perhaps it was his family home for example).

    The OP said she only works part time btw. The father minds the kids when she is working part time. The implication is that she minds them the rest of the time and he is working a regular job

  • Registered Users Posts: 334 ✭✭ Xidu

    Chill out dude. What’s all these accusations coming from? Sound like someone got kicked out of the house by wife.

    I am only saying if OP doesn’t have fault in this marriage, she is protected to stay in house w her 2 very young kids. What do u wanna a mom w 2 kids go so? Only man has feelings? Honestly this man doesn’t sound great to me from what OP described.

    they are legally married and kids only under 3, now she is told out of blue he is not happy n leaving?!

    he didn’t even bother to talk to her about it? After all there are 2 young kids! Shouldnt the 1st thing OP hear is that he tells her the reason and can they work on it?

    now giving all this **** to his wife and unfair to kids.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,338 ✭✭✭ NewClareman


    My heart goes out to you. I don't know your circumstances but my first advice to you would be to find someone to talk to. If you haven't friends or family available talk to the Samaritans. This is a very tough situation emotionally and you need support.

    Secondly, don't do anything rash until you get legal advice from someone with experience of family law. It is easy to make rash decisions at a time like this and regret them later. Stay in your home unless you consider it unsafe to do so.

    It will take time to process this so keep looking until you find some support or support group. I wish you well.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,438 ✭✭✭ notAMember

    When children are small, it is the toughest time of all in a marriage. Everyone is completely exhausted and you can resent each other over the slightest injustice. His final straw was you being sick, which is a good indication that he is overwhelmed.

    If you can manage it at all, get some help with the kids, and let yourself and your husband have some space apart and then sone time together to think.

    it may be possible to salvage it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,269 ✭✭✭ Bobtheman

    I'd suggest to him marriage counselling. Try to tease out what his issues are.

    Even if he rejects the counselling you will be able to tell your kids you tried.

    Perhaps get some counselling too yourself. Huge amount of options out there now.

  • Advertisement
  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,219 Mod ✭✭✭✭ HildaOgdenx

    Mod Note - As the thread has been inactive for some time, I will close it off at this point.

    OP, if you wish to have it reopened please contact any of the Mod Team


This discussion has been closed.