Husband leaving me

newtothisineedhelp

My husband decided today was the day to tell me he's not happy and he's leaving. We have two kids under three and I only work part time off hours while he watches them. We have a mortgage on a house. I don't even know where to start on trying to sort things out for myself. Any advice welcome.

I'm sure most people won't even know where to start in terms of advise.

Is the relationship 100% over? Can you work things out?

Can you work out an arrangement with him in terms of the kids etc?

Make sure you look after yourself

Discodog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058277687/husband-leaving-me

Firstly try not to panic. There is help & advice out there but not for a couple of days unless you feel in any danger. Try to talk with him & see if he has made any plans. Is this after an argument ? If so allow time for both sides to cool down.

HildaOgdenx

That must be very difficult, I hope that you have people to turn to in real life.

The link below should be useful as a starting point in sorting things out on a practical level.

Take care.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/breakdown_of_a_marriage_or_relationship.html

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@Alexander Ozzie, welcome to Personal Issues. When replying to threads here posters are asked to offer constructive mature advice to an OP. Though it may not have been intended to read as it does, telling someone whose marriage is ending to relax and that people come and go is highly insensitive and trivialising their issue.

The Charter can be found here which sets out the rules for posting in this forum. Please have a read of it before posting again.

Thanks

HS

madeiracake

Give yourself time to process this. It's a big change and will take a while for you to get your head around it. How are you feeling? Shocked, numb, angry, relieved? All of them? and sometimes it feels like you are going in circles. Try to organise some counseling for yourself to help. Mediation services are available (free) to help with the practical stuff if he is willing to go as well.

Augme

Contact/hire a solicitor ASAP. As difficult as it is emotionally, you also need to be clinical and ensure all the practicalities are sorted. I woukdnt get caught in whether they is a possibility of getting back together at this stage. That's soemthing for a later date. What I would focus on now is.

1. Where does he plan on sleeping?

2. How much will he be giving you in maintenence?

3. What access did he expect to have with the kids from here on out?

After that the link above is very useful. Write down what you need to sort out and getting working on that.

Now to sound cold, but the last thing you should be doing is focusing on the what ifs and worrying about you won't be able to cope. You need to be ruthless and proactive at this stage. Once you necessary admin resolved then you can start working though the what ifs and if onlys.

newtothisineedhelp

Thanks for the advice so far. It came out of nowhere so I've been blindsided and just crying all day. Like I said I don't even know where to start.

1. Where does he plan on sleeping?

I asked when did he plan to leave the house etc he said technically he doesn't have to leave. That he hasn't got a plan yet. He just doesn't want to be with me 🤷‍♀️ he made references a few times to selling the house. which I will never consent to. Where would I go in a housing crisis with two small kids and a part time job? He seems to think my mam will take us all on no problem out of absolutely nowhere

2. How much will he be giving you in maintenence?

I have no idea

3. What access did he expect to have with the kids from here on out?

I wouldn't never stand in the way of visitation. But I would presume with him working full time it would be weekend visits

osarusan

Get legal advice. They will be practiced at this and know how things proceed from here and what needs to be attended to right away.

As somebody above said, this is a time to be proactive and clinical, and they will do this even if you cannot.

Donald Trump

If you on top of things and get proper advice/assistance, the most probable outcome as regards the house would be that you will be staying there with the kids until the youngest one is 18. Regardless of whose name is on the house or who originally bought it. Unless he wants to provide different accommodation for you. Whether he also stays or not during that time will depend on him and his behaviour.

Definitely talk to a solicitor. As a mother you have your rights.

Mongfinder General

I’ve no idea what kind of personality your husband has but if the thinks that he can just tell you and the kids to go live with your mother - he is dreaming. There is no judge in the land who’ll delivering a ruling that allows this, unless you agree to it.

Likelihood is that you’ll be in that house until the kids have grown up and left for college. Selling the house and each of you going your own way is dream land stuff. However, he may become awkward to deal with. He may not want to pay towards the house. Even if the court orders him to pay x, he may not pay x but offer y or nothing at all. He may quit working for a while to lower his means, move out of the jurisdiction, feign illness etc - anything to lower his financial responsibilities. Even with an Attachment of Earnings Order, it can be hard. You just need to be ready for these bumps in the road.

As has been advised above - get legal advice.

AndrewJRenko

I'm just wondering if you know whether this is a serious position from himself or just a rash response to an argument. You need to decide yourself whether things are past the point of no return. It sounds like he either hasn't thought it through, or just has no idea of the practicalities involved.

If not, you might want to consider some tough discussions with him, possibly with marriage counselling involved, to see if you can get yourselves back on track.

If it is past the point of no return, recommendations for legal advise are the way to go.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120052580#Comment_120052580

Thanks for reaching us here. Talking is important.

It sounds that he didn't think this through that much yet and need some time to process. Well done for raising these questions seeking for some sort of clarity. I'd be similar to you trying to get more certainty as it creates the feeling of safety rather than chaotic thoughts... at least that is what I have experienced a few years ago... I wish you to understand that certain things he says might change and get more practical or partly resolved in time. I believe this is due to high emotions and also, as I said, not everything is thought throughout. I praise you for putting your kids' interests ahead. Don't forget yourself too. I can't speak for you, but I personally found something very simple, such as a cup of hot chocolate or a hot bath with a jazz music and candles can really comfort you and help to ground yourself. Mind yourself. And if need, seek for advice.

It may sound strange, and of course, you know the situation better, but look for how he's doing too. Just because he has initiated the changes, it doesn't mean he's feeling any better. Just asking him if he needs anything, see what his reaction is. Hopefully, he can answer with same. Supporting each other is important, however, it is also dangerous as it can create false idea that one of the party wants to get back to were it was...

Don't forget yourself and watch if he helps you with the kids 😉

Thanks again for talking.

Count Dracula

Op, this must be a very traumatic day for you. It is important that you have decided to share this distressing news with us.

I would insist he leaves the house immediately, get your separation initiated as soon as you can. Fortunately your family are still infants and this will enable them to handle the stress and hardship you will have to endure. Get him out now, while you have the initiative to do so.

Don't make the mistake of trying to reconcile with him. Any person who flakes on a marriage when there are young children involved is obviously not suitable as a partner. You will manage through this. Get him out now and never let him back into your life, if he cared about you or his children he would never have jeopardised harming your family by announcing to you at the end of a holiday that he no longer wants to be a part of it. I mean it, get rid of him right now.

Call a family solicitor and also consult with trusted friends and if you want to your family. Don't ever talk to any of his friends and certainly none of his family ever again, blood is thicker than water and over the next couple of years you will be shown multiple examples of this.

Do not facilitate any access to your children for his parents or siblings, at all. He took his vow to you in front of them and they should also suffer the repercussions of his actions. You need to protect your children's future at this point, any connection with his family will lead to them becoming confused and possibly distressed.

Has his decision to abandon his family not enabled you to recognise what a poor choice you made when you decided to marry him? Now is not the time for self-refletion, what is important is that you remove this creep from your life and let your family have a stable future. Good luck op, once you have seen the back of him your life can only improve.

I understand that you must still have feelings for him, but take comfort in the fact that you are freeing yourself from an unresponsible coward who is not worthy of protecting and loving your family anymore. Some of these types might try to reconcile in a few months, like when their new half has become a burden and they want to go back to their wife.... please don't let him away with this one or you will be doomed to a life of watching him conduct affair after affair after affair. This can lead to you never getting your own life in order, which would you prefer to do, spend the rest of your life monitoring a feckless husband who could never be trusted in the first place, or , spend the rest of your life nurturing your family and looking after yourself and who knows maybe, just maybe, finding an opportunity to find love again in this world?

Get him out now.

newtothisineedhelp

What are my options if he won't leave the house? I obviously don't want to live under the same roof if he doesn't want a relationship with me. Even if he wants to see the kids etc. I think I deserve a better life than that.

I know everything is obviously closed with new years etc but I'll start trying to look into things tonight when the kids go to bed. I don't really have anyone to turn to apart from my mam. Certainly not anyone who has been in the same boat etc. My own parents split when I was maybe 9 or so and it was traumatizing for me so obviously would like things to go as smoothly as I could manage

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053015#Comment_120053015

Like it or not, he's not obliged to leave the house. If he came here looking for advice, he'd be told not to leave the house in any circumstances.

Dial Hard

He's under no obligation to leave the house and it's likely that his solicitor will advise him not to.

You need legal advice of your own, but more importantly, you need emotional and personal support. Confide in your mam and/or a close friend and be kind to yourself. This has obviously come as a huge shock to you and you need time to process that. The legal stuff can wait.

perry stanley

When selecting a solicitor please do so carefully. Just as with other professionals there are good ones and ...not so good. Reputation /recommendations are worth looking for. Some are very good at family law others.. not so. A good solicitor will also keep in mind what judge he would hope to go before. The citizens advice have been very helpful and have good contacts. Stay strong, be cool and stay safe.

Sunrise_Sunset

OP, so sorry to read your post. Especially being blindsided by your husband's decision. He was possibly hanging on to "get through" Christmas and then was preparing to leave/end the marriage.

My own kids are a bit older now and we have some hard times but I remember having 2 kids under 3 too, and it's hard going. Do you think that could be part of how he's feeling? Those hard times will end though. Of course life throws other difficult situations our way when rearing kids, but with 2 very young kids, it can often feel like you're in the trenches. For us the good times outweighed the bad, but it might not be the same for everyone. It might be worth trying to have a conversation about that with him? Did he just say he's not happy but then not offer up any reasons as to why?

What a way to start the new year. Again, so sorry OP.

Xidu

If you are legally married and he is the one wanna get out this marriage and you have no fault.

then

you get the house as you have 2 kids

he pay maintenance from now on.

just be careful don’t get too hash as there are assholes there refusing to pay maintenance and leave the mom and kids in difficulties.

newtothisineedhelp

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053161#Comment_120053161

It wasn't even a good time tbh. I had a bad chest infection and only feeling okay/off antibiotics since yesterday.

Our youngest is only 10 months so possibly. He said he wasn't happy. There's too much pressure. I don't do enough and that he wants out. I asked him earlier if we could try to make things work and he said no he's 100% done

Ignacius

Best of luck to you and your family.

Ignacius

What a nasty post this is. I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.

You have no idea what his family are like and cutting the kids off from them would be more hardship for them in most cases.

I would suggest OP gets some advice and steers clear of anybody else’s bitterness's.

Purple Mountain

Op. First thing tomorrow reach out to someone you trust. There must be a friend. Even if they haven't had this experience, talking it put will help you.

First thing Tuesday morning ring a family law solicitor.

Not any solicitor your family might have used for wills, mortgages etc. Look online for ratings and recommendations for a family law solicitor.

Do not converse with your husband about any plans of do not make any decisions. He's trying to rush you.

Hold your tongue until you talk to the law on Tuesday.

Let him sleep in the spare room for now and whatever you do do not move to your mams. Even temporarily.

Sorry to sound cold but unfortunately this is the only way to deal with a man like that.

Swaine

Some really crappy replies to this. The man already has fcuk all rights as it is and people want him to leave his home and kids because he no longer loves his wife? Equality only when it suits. Hypocrites.

iwillhtfu

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053015#Comment_120053015

>>mod snip<< Like it or not his family will always be the kids family and cutting off the grandparents etc is likely to affect the kids and not spite the husband as you obviously intend.

OP sorry to hear this and I'm sure it's a shock.

The advice of speaking to someone that is qualified is best otherwise you'll get the above.

This is obviously all very raw so best to talk this through as adults when things settle and explain your next steps will be to engage with a solicitor. Try not mention access rights etc as this will likely lead to another arguement. Explain that co existing under the same roof isn't going to work long term and that the kids need a stable home.

I do hope things improve, what a rotten start to the year. Look after yourself and the kids.

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@iwillhtfu please leave the personal insults out of it

combat14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053172#Comment_120053172

no guarantee op will get house court will need to decide full set of information most likely she can stay in house for 20 years till kids finish education then sell and split proceeds of sale, alternatively op may decide to return to full time employment, get a loan and buy other spouse share out.. perhaps they will reconcile through counselling or come to another positive arrangement through mediation but no automatic right to house just like that

combat14

sorry to hear sad news op - take things easy for now consider also giving OH some space (where possible) no rows, but equally no requests to get back just be pleasant, polite, kind as possible especially around the kids and be gentle on your self you don't have to decide everything straight away or figure it all out immediately don't put undue pressure on yourself - give yourself a little time as this has come as quite a shock especially this time of year .. things will gradually have a way of working themselves out the main things and this is easier said than done is to try to keep things as amicable as possible the courts system in this country is an absolute nightmare and not for the faint hearted best of luck

Dr Turk Turkelton

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053015#Comment_120053015

Sorry to hear your situation op but the only advice I can give you is to not listen to this >>mod snip<<.

There has been good advice from other posters though I would listen to them and engage a solicitor straight away who deals with family law.

But just to emphasise again don't listen to someone like Count Dracula who is projecting her own issues on you.

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@Dr Turk Turkelton leave the personal insults out of it

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

@Count Dracula, your offers of advice in this forum are heading increasingly in the direction of telling an OP to push the nuclear button. As per the charter any advice offered should be mature and constructive. If you cannot offer mature constructive advice then please do not post.

HS

Xidu

Even get like 20 years to stay in is good. At least have a roof on top.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053172#Comment_120053172

This is wrong advice. The no fault separation/divorce means no fault on either side regardless if he had a 1000 mistresses. It's not taken into consideration.

Get legal advice.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053315#Comment_120053315

The man isn't the one posting though is he? If he starts a thread I am sure people will tell him some useful things from his perspective.

The practical reality is that, unless there are unusual circumstances not divulged, he will be in a far weaker position when it comes to remaining in the home. Stating that is not "inequality". It is just assuaging some of the OP's possible fears.

xyz13

First priority: contact childcare providers in your area.

BoxcarWilliam99

There is more to this story id say.

What have you not told us or is it totally out of the blue

---------------------------------------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter

Goodigal

Tough tough days and weeks ahead OP. I really feel for you. Happened to me - said we'd no chance of being a couple any more but stayed in the house for over a year after that. It's not sustainable. It's incredibly difficult and you'll feel so much resentment and anger, and you won't get the answers you want. All the while trying to function as a parent and employee day to day.

Try to talk to your Mam and a close friend or two. You need to feel supported and you won't be able to do this on your own.

Ask him to clarify exactly how this is going to unfold. It's the start of a new phase of your life, one you didn't envisage or want. But you need to get your head around it for the short term.

Hope you've plenty of strength in you to get through it all. Sending you a massive hug.

Sunrise_Sunset

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053249#Comment_120053249

It was just something that came to mind when I read about having 2 very young kids. I may not be right though. But if he's not willing to have a conversation about it right now, you won't get any answers. Maybe in a few days when things settle down he might be more willing to offer some explanations.

Definitely hard times ahead regardless. I really do wish you all the best. Get legal advice, get emotional support and mind yourself and the kids.

iniscealtra

He can stay in the house as belongs to both of you. Your best option in the long term would be to buy him out of his half if you can at all.

Go to citizens advice and see what you would be entitled to as a single parent. Get the seperation sorted if there is no hope of a reconciliation.

Remain calm and have a chat about how this is going to work practically - childcare ?

It would be good if you organised childcare and looked at going back to work.

As previously said this must be an awful shock for you but ending the relationship doesn’t end his responsibilities as a father. Be clear about that and that you need to figure the practicalities of how this is actually going to work.

Mediation is the best option. As previously said chat to your Mam and listen to reasonable people. Try to remain calm. Not always easy. Wishing you the best of luck OP.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120052809#Comment_120052809

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120052600#Comment_120052600

A lot of illinformed "advice" here, which while understandable given the secrecy of family law courts is assuredly misleading in 2023. Two principles of family law in the State: what is in the 'best interests of the child', and ensuring 'proper provision' financially for each spouse.

First, the 'best interests of the child' claim is naked hypocrisy by the Department of Jusice and Law Reform which has a two-year minimum wait until adult Irish citizens can legally be divorced. On top of this, an inordinately long, highly secretive and uncertain legal process will be added to those two years. And kids will have to endure this for much longer than necessary because of our lack of legal reform. In other words, be prepared for a lot of pain from our legal system which has nothing whatever to do with the "best interests of the child". Nevertheless, the judges are supposed to put the "best interests of the child" at the heart of all cases.

Second, the OP understandably didn't give sufficient information on the family finances or location of the family home - both of which are vital factors in any court judgement. If, however, there is enough equity in the family home and both parents are sharing parenting it is much more likely that a judge will order that the family home be sold and the proceeds divided evenly - subject to the shared parenting arrangement continuing. If one person is doing 95% of the parenting and there's no equity in the family home, that person might well get to keep it until the youngest is 23 - although if two good homes could be bought when the family home were sold, it is likely the latter would happen.

Third, to avoid this sort of 50/50 division of parental responsibility/assets, one side attempts to show they are the 'primary parent' and should therefore keep the family home at the expense of the children's father. However, as most mothers - especially in areas like Dublin where house prices are highest/need two incomes - are working outside the home, they will find it very difficult to successfully contend they are the 'primary parent' and therefore should get the family home. The OP should be aware of this. This is where things can become especially nasty, and allegations of abuse almost always enter the fray - mostly laid by the mothers against the fathers. These days, there is a nuance to the abuse allegations: because the "best interests of the child" are emphasised, lawyers will get their clients to focus not on allegations of abuse against the mother but on allegations that the father is a bad father. So, the financial self-interest of wanting the family home is always dressed up as "best interests of the child". On this point, there is an enormous degree of malice, resentment and viciousness laid against fathers in particular. So, while in law men and women have equal rights to the family home, judicial/societal prejudices against fathers as equal parents and plenty of victimhood/martyrdom/tears/drama ensure that the vast majority of fathers have to prove themselves in court in a way women never have to. This, therefore, will benefit the OP.

Fourth, the fact that renting is invariably significantly more expensive than the mortgage in the same areas would make it even less likely that a judge would allow a mother to stay in a home with hundreds of thousands of euro of equity while ordering that the father must rent. This is especially so in Dublin, where house prices are at Celtic Tiger levels. However, the hope of that happening combined with a lot of ill-informed, outdated legal advice (greatly facilitated by the secrecy of the family law court judgements) ensures that a huge number of women will go for broke and use the law to get everything, most especially the destruction of their ex by forcing him to rent - in "the best interests of the child", of course. In other words, the secrecy of court judgements ensures fear drives the entire family law system, with both sides spending the children's future wealth in legal fess for, em, "the best interests of the child". However, as much as it is a high-stakes game for the men especially - who, unlike the mothers are not threatened with poverty/renting for 20 years - it is a game nonetheless. Some 90% of all divorces are settled out of court and a mere 10% go before a judge. Don't leave the family home.

Fifth, you would be well advised to consult a specialist family lawyer, be it a solicitor or a barrister. Don't just assume because you're the mother that a court will give you greater rights to parenting your children and living in the family home than the children's father has. FLAC has a free Family Law specialist legal service, which you have to book in advance: https://www.flac.ie/help/centres/familylaw/

There are support groups in Dublin, and probably elsewhere, one of which is meeting tomorrow night, Tuesday 3 January, another of which is meeting next Monday, 9 January. You should find such meetings, and the experiences and advice of other people, very helpful in coming to terms with things. This is a tough time of year, but it gets easier:

Tomorrow, Tuesday 3 January (Stillorgan):

https://www.meetup.com/saol-nua-dublin-support-group-for-separated-divorced-people/events/290634657/

Monday, 9 January (Phibsboro)

https://www.meetup.com/saol-nua-dublin-support-group-for-separated-divorced-people/events/290472132/ [https://www.talk2us.ie/]

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056243#Comment_120056243

What I said was perfectly correct.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053172#Comment_120053172

Oh. The mother "has two kids"? And the father doesn't have two kids? Wow. Please do explain this extraordinary sense of entitlement. Where in Irish law does it say that the children "belong" only to the mother? As Swaine perceptively put it above: the husband is leaving his wife; the father is not leaving his children. For some reason, a large number of wives seem to be unwilling to accept the distinction because, well, they view the children as their personal possession!

In truth, if a guy is ending a marriage which has kids in it, things must be really, really bad as he risks losing most from doing so. This helps explain why most divorces in Ireland, in one of our few publicised statistics from the family law courts, are initiated by wives. Or, in other words, long before a father leaves the marriage officially, the mother has left it in full awareness of the stories about how well women will do in the family law courts. The sense of female entitlement to "their" children and wholly misplaced female sense of victimhood is even more shocking than the legal fees. And that's saying something. It is one of the most beautiful sights in Irish society to witness a judge, in yet another secretive judgement, knock that female sense of entitlement on its head and grant a good father equal parenting rights to his own children. The fact that cases get all the way to a judge speaks volumes, however, about the existence of that naked gender-based bullying.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056281#Comment_120056281

"the most probable outcome as regards the house would be that you will be staying there with the kids until the youngest one is 18." You don't have enough information from the OP to make that call. There are many reasons and circumstances, some of which I outlined above, why "the most probable outcome" is that a judge will order that the family home be sold.

Not saying this is actually the case, but wondering could he have developed a mental health issue which he hasn’t shared with you or anyone. Depression or mood disorders can manifest in various ways including anger and hopelessness, and they often peak around Christmas and new year. Could he have some serious issue with work or with money that he hasn’t revealed. The fact this came out of the blue shows he’s been doing a huge amount of inner rumination and is unlikely to have shared his state of mind with anyone. If there is something like this behind it, maybe some mutual friend could steer him towards getting himself some professional help, the GP would likely be first port of call. On the other hand there could possibly be cheating at play, as in falling in lust/love with someone else he knows at work or online. Or perhaps being emotionally unfaithful, but this could be associated with a mental health issue. One way or the other YOU are the priority, and as others here say, get the practicalities in progress whilst trying to be kind to yourself.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056399#Comment_120056399

My post wasn't that long. You don't save much by only reading half of it

If you on top of things and get proper advice/assistance, the most probable outcome as regards the house would be that you will be staying there with the kids until the youngest one is 18. Regardless of whose name is on the house or who originally bought it. Unless he wants to provide different accommodation for you. Whether he also stays or not during that time will depend on him and his behaviour.

The judge will not order the house to be sold if it results in the mother and children being rendered homeless. Nor will it kick the mother and children out of the house to allow the father to live there on his own. Unless, as I said, different accommodation can be provided. That caveat covers the scenario where the house is sold and alternate accommodation is provided using the proceeds. Which was in your big long essay of a post. It also covers the case where they husband provides another house by some other means where he wants to stay in the original house (perhaps it was his family home for example).

The OP said she only works part time btw. The father minds the kids when she is working part time. The implication is that she minds them the rest of the time and he is working a regular job

Xidu

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056388#Comment_120056388

Chill out dude. What’s all these accusations coming from? Sound like someone got kicked out of the house by wife.

I am only saying if OP doesn’t have fault in this marriage, she is protected to stay in house w her 2 very young kids. What do u wanna a mom w 2 kids go so? Only man has feelings? Honestly this man doesn’t sound great to me from what OP described.

they are legally married and kids only under 3, now she is told out of blue he is not happy n leaving?!

he didn’t even bother to talk to her about it? After all there are 2 young kids! Shouldnt the 1st thing OP hear is that he tells her the reason and can they work on it?

now giving all this **** to his wife and unfair to kids.

NewClareman

@newtothisineedhelp

My heart goes out to you. I don't know your circumstances but my first advice to you would be to find someone to talk to. If you haven't friends or family available talk to the Samaritans. This is a very tough situation emotionally and you need support.

Secondly, don't do anything rash until you get legal advice from someone with experience of family law. It is easy to make rash decisions at a time like this and regret them later. Stay in your home unless you consider it unsafe to do so.

It will take time to process this so keep looking until you find some support or support group. I wish you well.

notAMember

When children are small, it is the toughest time of all in a marriage. Everyone is completely exhausted and you can resent each other over the slightest injustice. His final straw was you being sick, which is a good indication that he is overwhelmed.

If you can manage it at all, get some help with the kids, and let yourself and your husband have some space apart and then sone time together to think.

it may be possible to salvage it.

Neyite

What your financial split will look like is anybody's guess - and because it's so different for everyone nobody here can tell you for certain that you have entitlements to XYZ.

It may well be that he spoke without thinking it through - if so, starting as you mean to go on might help clarify thoughts for both of you. As of now you are 'separated' but you can still live in the same house, and still share childcare and household duties proportionally. Him seeing that separation doesn't just mean you moving to your mother's house with the kids and that family life will still continue on in a different form might clarify what he wants.

It might be worth sitting down with a mediator to explore what both of you want to do with this situation, and use it as a way to discuss how to separate amicably, as well as speaking to a decent solicitor. Gather your information first then see can you both figure out what to do in a way that's fairest for everyone.

Bobtheman

I'd suggest to him marriage counselling. Try to tease out what his issues are.

Even if he rejects the counselling you will be able to tell your kids you tried.

Perhaps get some counselling too yourself. Huge amount of options out there now.