No man wants to date me because I’m approaching 30?

Lucy29

So the title is a bit exaggerated but I am having a bit of an issue. I am 29 years old, Irish woman. I have been using dating sites and I feel like there are no decent local men my own age that match with me, and I can’t help but think it’s because I am approaching 30. I’m honestly feeling really sad that I can’t seem to match with anyone that seems like a decent guy, even though I am attractive. I'm just looking for a connection with someone, not anyone to tell me I'm no longer in my prime, as I have been told on a few occasions. I honestly miss the companionship from my first relationship in my early twenties, and although I feel very happy, in some ways I am still lonely. I don’t really know what else I can do other than go out and do things to meet others, but it’s hard for me to even do that. I’m also not really the type to like going out to the bars etc. Is approaching 30 really a turn off for men?

I’d like to add a couple of things. When I say decent men, I mean them meeting my standards that I’d say are actually fair. Also, I paid for one of my apps hoping to find matches, but find nearly all men my own age are looking for women age 18-25. I have been trying to give that a chance, but I haven’t matched with anyone that meet my standards. My standards are not crazy high. I do believe that my choices are more limited when trying to match with guys my age seeing as a lot of them may not want to date a lady approaching 30. I am attracted to men closer to my age so it’s just a little more difficult.

Donald Trump

What are these standards that are fair?

Packrat

You're in the absolute tip top prime of your life for meeting someone who wants to settle down and make a long term serious relationship leading to marriage/kids (if that's what you're also looking for)

I was on dating sites as a 34 yo man actively looking for a woman who wanted that aged 25 to 34.

It was full of somewhat desperate 34 to 38 year old women who's desperation was a massive turn off.

This is not to say that all women in that age bracket are desperate or a turn off, but the ones I met were.

I found a then 26 yo (a little on the young side i thought, but she had good reasons to be looking for all that stuff at that young age) and now 12 years later we have two kids and despite challenges we are in a reasonably good place.

Relax the kaks. You're every settling down type of man's dream.

BorneTobyWilde

You sound like you're doing interviews for a vacant position. I bet you're Lil Ms 100 questions on a date, that a guy would be best bringing his CV

odyssey06

The vast vast majority of 29 yo guys will date a compatible 29 yo gal.

Either you are falling victim to some quirk of the website age groupings - as in you are bracketed with 30 somethings and they don't want to date older.

OR ... there is something else in your profile putting guys off.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120045054#Comment_120045054

To be fair, the OP wants someone the same age as her. You own success story is of a fella 8 years older than the girl. It might not be bad advice for the OP to be at least open to that kind of range though to increase her odds.

I remember reading some US article years and years ago. Although simplistic, the basic gist of it was that 28 or 29 for a fella was the best time to be "locking him in" (i.e. marriage) in terms of getting a "good one".

The basic argument was that in his early 20s, he's at a massive disadvantage compared to his peer females. Only in his mid-20's do things start to get a bit better. As he's hitting his late 20's, things are starting to turn better for him. And the female's odds are already starting to shorten at that point. So they are kinda equal in a lot of respects at that point. But when he hits his early 30's, if not locked in by that time, the odds have turned in his favour and he might want now to enjoy his time. It's not that he wants to meet a 25 year old and get married to her now. It's that he knows he can go out and get a 25 year old. If he felt that he was ignored by his peer females when he was in his own 20's, he might not be that bothered with being a fallback now either.

byrne249

Being marginally older, Personally, never having been in a relationship, I like the idea of finding someone similar. Most women have been in numerous relationships and frankly it's a turn off as I am measuring myself against someone else constantly. I have been in many situations where women start going on about their exes and I just lose interest immediately. True love begins at 20, settling begins at 30. Truth hurts.

Actually, reading Donald Trumps most recent comment and that probably applies to me. Have utterly no interest in being some girl who's been around the blocks fallback essentially.

I see sheep

Pretend you're 25

Pissy Missy

I think if you're open to widening your location then you'll have more options. Also standards are subjective.. Are you looking for a guy with no kids as this can be harder at your age group, are you looking for a a good looking guy, again sadly this a hard one too, but at 29 i dont believe this is a factor, think of halle Berry, in her 50s and hasn't aged a day. Obviously personality and (over) eagerness can come into play.

Caranica

Why are you restricting yourself to men your own age? I know very few couples where both are the same age.

And forget about this nonsense about not being in your prime. That's just a state of mind

Idle Passerby

I really doubt your age is the issue. If you were 10 years older maybe but 29 is way too young to think your on the shelf already. I'd say it's more likely that the men in your age bracket have just reached the age where they are finally confidant enough with women that they realise they have a choice, or aren't looking for anything too serious. If a 29 year old man is saying he's only interested in someone 18-24 I think it's safe to assume he's only looking for something casual. Keep your standards where you want them but realise that it may take a while to meet someone who ticks all your boxes. That's true regardless what age you are

ottolwinner

you’ve probably got messages from board users wanting to date since you posted.

(not guilty)

completedit

1. Be Attractive
2. Don't be unattractive

All Online dating issues are solved once the above conditions are met.

walterking

At 29 you are young. But a 29 year female is looking at settling down, raising family, next stage in life.

In general, a 29 year guy still hangs with the lads, hasn't even thought of settling down and can be quite immature. On the other end of the scale they are very career minded and a committed relationship is not on the radar.

I'd expand the age profile to 40 or 40+. It kids that age us men, child free and we're more youthful than you think.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120048152#Comment_120048152

Plenty of lads get married at 29/30. It's just that they get married after having been going out with the same girl for a good few years at that stage. If the girl is trying to snag him for the first time at 29 then she is about 4 or 5 years too late though. That window is gone and she'll have to aim for a different age group if she is in a hurry.

Count Dracula

29 in her prime.

Lucy on a scale of east to west , 1 to 10. How you doing there on the old grand scheme of things? Are people still hitting on you?

I am being rhetorical, but are you feeding your ego a little here?

! would go out with a 29 year old, no problemisimo. No bods. As long as they're not overweight, gorm less or a stupid bitch or combinations of either.

Have you not got anyone at the moment at all, what happened your last clasp, how long have you held someone down for?

I am very adaptable by the way, although prudes are a big no no, I can't be having that, at all at all.

Timlin2005

A woman is most attractive and fertile in her early 20s. If a man is looking to have multiple children, it would be better for him to go for a woman in early 20s than to go for a single woman in her 30s as her fertility is already on the decline. He may have to date her for a year or two also before having kids, in which case she's even closer to becoming infertile.

So if a single guy is 30 and wants children he has to find someone compatible and he may not quickly find someone above 30 who clicks with him quickly. Assuming he found someone who's say 31 dates for 2-3 years, so now they're 33/34 and then gets married. They have a year, before pregnancies increase in risk. If they want to enjoy a year or two of marriage before having children she'll be between 34-36 years old. So a man looking for children will look to someone 5+ years younger than 30.

By the time a guy reaches 30 he should have his own place, a car, and assuming he was working hard in his 20's a stable career life. These are things some women his age were looking for when he was in his 20's. So he may go back to date 20 something year olds. Also if a guy is looking to settle down in his 20's and there is a woman who is more promiscuous and not interested in him or settling down, then if he loses interest in her or her type over time she shouldn't be surprised (assuming he's not promiscuous). This guy may be looking for younger women to settle down with and marry.

Count Dracula

This business of having a successful independent husband is a bit much. What is stopping a wife or female partner having a house husband?

3rd millennium peoples, get with it.

Why should a woman be forced to shack up with some overweight fart machine, just because he has a successful career? Lots of really sound handsome blokes out there who struggle with their careers at times. It shouldn't prohibit them from finding a partner who would prefer to be the main bread winner.

Well like in theory anyways......?

gary550

What are your "standards" missus?

You say fair but god only knows what that means.

completedit

Standards are standards. It's for the OP to reconcile what they are and come to terms with them.

gary550

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120045220#Comment_120045220

Just on your second part there if you're going with any woman who has been around the block chances are you aren't her first pick mate.

That's the reality of it. Unless you're a 6ft millionaire with a massive dong that she met when she was 20 she's gonna be periodically thinking about the time she got it off a 6ft guy with a big dong and what may have been.

I grew up as the only man on one side of my family, if I can say with certainty it's that for the most part women want the best they can get and if they didn't end up with that they'll bring it up in conversation far too often.

Grolschevik

This all seems Mr Fegelian-esque...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120048314#Comment_120048314

You sound like a catch 😅

Eamon McDermott

What an awfully misandrist post. Men owe you nothing.

Eamon McDermott

According to whom?

even though I am attractive.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053030#Comment_120053030

Learn a new word today? Why is it misandrist... for that matter why do you think the OP is female... it is the internet afterall.

Eamon McDermott

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053103#Comment_120053103

I never said they were female. What part of my post implies that?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053111#Comment_120053111

When you said men owe them nothing you were replying to the OP as the persona they were presenting in the OP. Makes no sense otherwise. Care to answer my question as to why what was posted was misandrist?

Eamon McDermott

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053103#Comment_120053103

Where did I say or imply the OP was female?

Men can be misandrist to other men yaknow.

The OP’s name is Lucy and they’re posting in the Ladie’s Lounge ….. soooooooo…

aaaannndd

Quote: I am 29 years old, Irish woman.

Xidu

Shocked to see in an European country that people stated 18-25 years age to be selected. Doesn’t seems mature.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053136#Comment_120053136

So... you're saying you accept the OP is female, just checking because you've gone on a bit of a wander. So, now that we've established you're assuming the OP is female... what did they say that triggered your ascertaining a hatred of men?

Eamon McDermott

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053147#Comment_120053147

She literally said she’s a woman and you’re accusing me of assuming her gender.

My god, women really are stupid.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053158#Comment_120053158

4th time of asking - are you going to bother to answer what part is misandrist... I thought you'd be chomping at the bit to list your reasons. Whenever you're ready...

"My god, women really are stupid." Not only should this comment get you banned from this forum (it surely will) it should get you banned from boards.ie.

Besides, I'm not female.

Eamon McDermott

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053176#Comment_120053176

Her attitude that implies men should be falling at her knees because she thinks she’s attractive.

I assume you’re a woman yourself, you really are a bit dense.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053180#Comment_120053180

Care to elaborate where she implies men should be falling at her feet because she's attractive... she SAID she expected more replies/responses, which is a fair assumption. Unlike your assumption I'm female.

Eamon McDermott

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053186#Comment_120053186

You have to be female with an intellect as low as yours.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053188#Comment_120053188

I'm going to give a wild guess, there's an Eamon McDermott in real life that's quite successful with the ladies that you are wildly jealous of and using his name here. Bye bye now.

Amirani

Eamon McDermott banned.

Airyfairy12

I really dont think that age is a factor, and the men who are concerned with it arent really worth your time anyway. Every one of my exes ended up with much older women than themselves and several men I know settled down with women in their mid to late 30's while the men are much younger. On the flip side of that I know women who are settled with much younger men and who only met them when they were well into their 30's.

I think the people who put women into a box like that based on their age, are usually those type of freaks who are obsessed with judging women and guilting & shaming them into behaving a certain way.

I just think that as you get older, majority of the men who want to settle down are already in long term relationships, youre left with a smaller selection of men, some of them want to settle down but they have too many red flags so no one will consider them, then theres men who don't want to settle down & just want sex, and then theres the odd decent guy whose open to settling down but you're just not compatible or attracted to each other for whatever reason.

Dating apps also give men the notion that they have endless options to choose from so theyre always looking for someone better or thinking they can do better. I also think the likes of instagram has given allot of men unreal expectations and they can be quite shallow when choosing a partner & can go for someone who looks good on paper but theyre miserable in the relationship. Then theres double standards that have to be considered too like for example, men who are looking for a mother figure/date mother figures and how this is such red flags. If you or I was looking for a father figure in a relationship it would be rightly considered as creepy but allot of women feel they have to conform and be a mother to their partner or else he wont stick around. I think having your boundaries and knowing what your comfortable with is such a strength and those kind of standards shouldnt be lowered just for the sake of having a relationship.

The point being is that dating after 30 can be like fishing in sewer sometimes.

Airyfairy12

......

Day Lewin

I've been reflecting on this one....

Full disclosure, I am female, Irish, double the age of the OP...and have long experience of the male sex - who I like and enjoy.

Here's a couple of thoughts arising, to the OP:

1. If blokes don't want to date you, why don't you date them? Go ahead - ask one out. (It worked for me!)
2. This "online dating" scene has a huge, huge failure rate - because there's a huge gap between reality and daydreams! (I've been on a couple of these sites, too)
3. the best way to meet someone is to actually meet them: in real life, real time. Smile at people, chat if they smile back. Honestly, hand on heart, this really works. It works much, much better than composing profiles and hoping someone likes the persona you portray in it...and guess what? The lads are doing the exact same. Hence the huge gap!

I could make a portfolio of all the women I have heard moaning that they had a lot of fun in their 20's but now. at 30 and later, the men aren't interested: all the "good ones" are taken or married, and the ones who aren't are bitter, disillusioned and only out for some gratifying sex with someone young and pretty.

Meanwhile, the men of a similar age are complaining that women only want to use them, to get what they want - money, marriage, kids and a house - and then discard them. Leaving them high and dry, and very broke.

So it has to be real life and real, honest relationships; it takes more work, but it really does deliver much better and long-lasting results.

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056056#Comment_120056056

Every one of my exes ended up with much older women than themselves and several men I know settled down with women in their mid to late 30's while the men are much younger.

Would advise against the lady being older in a marriage.

Men are usually years behind women in maturity, & women usually age quicker than men.

Most marriages end up with the wife never wanting sex as she gets older, I'd advise men not to end up in that situation while they are still quite young.

Airyfairy12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056140#Comment_120056140

Speaking for myself it really feels like men dont want to put the work in, it takes 2 to make a relationship work.

Airyfairy12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056158#Comment_120056158

I dont think this is true, yes hormones and menopause can effect a womans sexual drive but what I hear from allot of women is that their partner doesnt meet their sexual needs and doesnt listen when they communicate what they want sexually, I also hear from lots of women who feel like theyve had to be a mother to their partner, clean up after them, wash their clothes while their partner is selfish in the relationship. I can see how this would kill any sexual attraction or respect for that matter, for their partner. I know this isnt always the case and there are loads of men who are mature, kind, & treat their partner like an equal but from what allot of women say, their frustration in the relationship burns them out and they dont want to be intimate with their partner.

squidgainz

To be honest you can't be attractive in the traditional sense if you aren't getting matchs on a dating app. It's an impossibility. Unless you have a crazy profile.

Reading the latter stages of this thread you’d wonder how people get together at all. OR why you’d bother😀