Keep it to yourself or tell your OH

Pissy Missy

Was reading about a man having an affair on his wife followed by a poll asking if he should tell her or keep it to himself, the majority voted that he should keep it to himself.

What's your opinion on an affair/ cheating on your OH? Keep it to yourself or tell the truth?

I guess the “keep it to yourself “ is more of a warning that your relationship will change for the worst , and will never be the same again , but then the relationship is built upon lies and not fair on the other person

so if you need to lie to keep your relationship then you’re better off dumped

Jequ0n

Keep affair to yourself

Why in earth would anyone tell? There isn’t a single benefit in this.

Am suprised at the results. I value honesty completely. It's so disrespectful to lie and then your relationship is bullshit

Pissy Missy

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119984348#Comment_119984348

Agreed

takun

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698329#Comment_119698329

This. 100% this.

I lived this and was told by my partner that he had an affair, told because he 'valued honesty'. Complete bullshit. What he wanted was to be some kind of hero. "yeah I had an affair but look at how wonderfully honest I am". She clearly only saw him as a passing bit of fun so really he crawled back trying to retrieve some level of self-respect. We had a very difficult time for quite a bit but now soldier on and it's fine most of the time. We are of an age where we're in the habit of each other and it's easier to stick than twist. But while I still love him, I suppose, I don't respect him in the way I once did.

I never speak of it unprompted, he occasionally brings it up, ostensively to remind me of how lucky I am that he is so wonderfully, totally honest but really to remind himself, and me, of the derring-do of his disappearing youth.

If he had kept his mouth shut we'd both be a lot better off.

Pissy Missy

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120052725#Comment_120052725

As someone who has been cheated on also, I couldn't disagree more

banie01

Keep affair to yourself

There is an argument to made that a relationship must have a grounding in trust. That to keep that aspect, that of course one should tell.

I don't agree at all with that. If there is no trail, path or prospect of word of the affair leaking? Then a lie of omission, while still a lie serves a purpose in keeping the relationship. It lets the partner cheated on have faith in the relationship and whilst the cheater gets his cake and eats it?

Rebuilding trust us nigh on impossible, being the one to announce that you've broken that trust but it's okay, as you're honest and you want to stay? After knocking every bit of confidence and faith your partner may have had in the relationship completely out of her?

It's far easier to live with the lie, than to shatter and rebuild.

Jequ0n

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056894#Comment_120056894

Never mind, it will probably happen again

Pissy Missy

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056959#Comment_120056959

Probably, one reason to stay single, hard to find people with a grain of integrity sadly

gameoverdude

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120052725#Comment_120052725

He wasnt honest. He was a gobshite.

He was just looking after himself and petting his guilt. Selfish.

Jequ0n

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056985#Comment_120056985

Good luck that it won’t happen to you again btw.

banie01

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056985#Comment_120056985

I can certainly take your point, and it's a fair one.

I'd counter it with an example. Imagine you're seeing a guy it's still early days and in those early days he was involved in a FWB situation. He and the 2nd girl knew there was never going to be a relationship other than FWB for a lot of reasons.

Anyway you and he hit it off, it becomes very serious and whilst on the path to that seriousness he and other lady had a couple of more trysts including maybe "one for the road"

He knows it's over and so does FWB, their lives have a bit of crossover where they may all be together on occasion. If the partner knew anything went on? It wouldn't just end her relationship it would throw others and friends and family into a tumult too?

Why would you tell your partner in that instance? Where not only are you burdening her with your dalliance. But where to continue your relationship? You'd be expecting her to actually carry on the lie of her not knowing to keep family and friend dynamic and relationship from imploding too?

It's not always black and white and it's never just 2 people affected.

gameoverdude

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120056985#Comment_120056985

Oh pm. There are many out there.

In relationships I have tunnel vision. With you and that's it (still have eyes though).

I'd prefer to be dumped than cheated on.

Pissy Missy

Tell other half

So this hypothetical person has fcuked up but you'd be doing her, her family and friends a diservice by telling her this so best 'be kind' and say nothing!? The way i see it is, it was never a relationship to begin with, just a foundation of lies, and any human deserves better than that. What an absolute scumbag in this hypothetical scenario.

Pissy Missy

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120057063#Comment_120057063

It's nice to hear theres still a decent few left, ppl scare and disgust me what they're capable of

banie01

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120058202#Comment_120058202

Relationships aren't instant. They take time to develop and people do stupid things, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Sometimes IMO, a lie of omission allows all involved to move on without leaving carnage behind.

There are no perfect people or relationships. They/we all have flaws, mistakes and pasts. Sometimes the past is best left there, if it can do no good, nor offer anything constructive and does nothing other than allow someone a sop to their conscience by unloading their guilt upon a blameless partner? Then I'd be very much of the opinion to let sleeping dogs lie.

Larbre34

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120058202#Comment_120058202

If only life were so simple and absolute, all of the time.

Long term relationships go through good times and bad, stresses and strains, times of happiness and contentment. We all know that.

There is no telling what circumstances may have led to an affair, or even to a single episode of infidelity. Loneliness, frustration, boredom. Anxiety, isolation, depression and aimlessness. Maybe illness, disease or post partum injury.

I've never once cheated on my wife, but I did cheat in more casual relationships in my youth. Would I never cheat on my wife? I can't say no, because I'm a human, not a computer and I don't have a crystal ball either.

If a person has cheated, and is wracked with guilt or self-loathing, or the circumstances of their relationship has changed and people can be protected, then yes, lying about it and covering it up to protect the relationship and other people, children perhaps, is acceptable, perhaps even a kindness.

Its a betrayal, its not something easy forgiven, but forgiveness is possible, even if it is only to oneself.

sameoldname

Tell other half

I wonder if the subject of this thread were "Should I tell him that he's raising another mans children?" would the results be different? I would say so.

Pissy Missy

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120058239#Comment_120058239

"If a person has cheated, and is wracked with guilt or self-loathing, or the circumstances of their relationship has changed and people can be protected, then yes, lying about it and covering it up to protect the relationship and other people, children perhaps, is acceptable, perhaps even a kindness"

This is a fantasy land my friend. The only person being 'protected' here is the perpetrator. It is "acceptable" and showing only "kindness" to oneself who is the cheater.

If someone wants to live in this world, fair enough, i can't comprehend it and i dont want to be apart of it.

Pissy Missy

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120058232#Comment_120058232

I have lots to gain from my partner telling me they're cheating on me, however i remain a fool by being hidden the fact if they choose to deny me of it.

Larbre34

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120058396#Comment_120058396

I hate to be the one to tell you, but this is the World in which you live. People make decisions that may be the lesser of two, or more, evils.

sameoldname

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061280#Comment_120061280

Can I ask you, have you ever told your wife that you would lie to her about cheating on her to protect her?

CramCycle

Keep affair to yourself

Haven't cheated but if I did, I wouldn't tell, it would destroy my partner. Same for me, if they cheated on me, I'd never want to know, there is no benefit. I'd never trust them completely again. I'd sooner live a life of blissful ignorance than an unnecessary painful truth. I get why people can't grasp that but if you would never know (or they wouldn't), what benefit comes from telling them?

Pissy Missy

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120062555#Comment_120062555

Not being made a total fool of for one and also not getting STI's. I actually feel so bad for people who are in a relationship being cheated on and they're the only one that doesn't know it.

Jequ0n

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120062758#Comment_120062758

Why would you feel bad? They don’t know and are happy. There is usually a reason why people cheat

CramCycle

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120062758#Comment_120062758

Thats a different scenario, it isn't a secret, you are only being made a fool of if others know. Even then, only if they hint at it or tell you. You are only getting an STI if they aren't being safe, in which case, you will find out soon enough. So again, so long as the other side never find out, then why would you tell them. I've never seen someone whose been told where it works out well unless it was a scenario where they were going to break up anyway. Seen countless try and keep it going after owning up and it's such a waste of what is a short life. If I was cheated on, I'd sooner they just left me if they didn't love me anymore. All this said, unless it was a one night stand or a very short fling, you will probably be found out anyway.

Sunrise_Sunset

Keep affair to yourself

Would anyone really keep it completely to themselves though? Are they more likely to confide in a best friend, or sibling, etc?

Girl Geraldine

Not too far off topic I hope but can I ask people's opinions as to why exactly is it so bad to cheat? I mean if the partner is otherwise treating you well and everything and not abusing, why is the fact that they might have shift or ride seen as such an apparently cataclysmicly bad event. At the end of the day it is only a ride.

I'd much rather a partner would have the odd casual ride rather than be difficult/controlling/jealous headwrecker or any other number of things that would do your head in, but which a lot of people would see as lesser offences than an illicit shift or ride.

yourdeadwright

I don't know

What if it was not an affair but a drunk complete random 1 night thing in a foreign country or something ,

So there is no way you'll ever see the person again & the husband really & truly regrets it & would never dream about doing anything like that again

Would you want to know ?

Iv no idea what the answer should be ,

yourdeadwright

I don't know

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120098507#Comment_120098507

I suppose it depends on the situation , things are complicated & not black & white,

Is there kids involved , does the other person it as "just" a ride, Would your partner feel inadequate ,why would you need some one else to ride ? Do they know the other person ,

There a thousand of different scenarios so impossible to give a Yes or no blanket answer

89897

Tell other half

If you're in a committed monogamous relationship and you f8kc up and cheat, not telling your partner is not a kindness, its a cop out. The only one it serves to protect is the cheater. If you're willing to cheat, you're willing to ruin the relationship.

Tell them and let them do with that what they will. At least give them the respect to make their own decisions. Some may forgive and move on some may not. When you cheated you took that risk, now live with it.

89897

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120098507#Comment_120098507

Well if your promise to each other was to be faithful, then yes its so bad. If your relationship is open and allows for other sexual partners then its not cheating.

If the partner is controlling etc they're an ass whether they cheat or not.

Jequ0n

Keep affair to yourself

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120098507#Comment_120098507

Interesting question. Personally I don’t get why it’s such a big deal either. I have been cheated on in the past and whilst I was annoyed about it it certainly wasn’t a life changing event. I think it’s a bit naive to think that you will never be cheated on, but I guess it’s different for others.

dontmindme

Poll is basically - should you stop lying to your OH or not.

CPTM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120098776#Comment_120098776

Kind of depends though. Sometimes leaving is not really an option for the person who was cheated on. If you're talking about a zero responsibility relationship with no real ties, then I'm with you. But if you're talking about two people with very young kids, a sole earner in the house, two mortgages and a dog to feed sometimes (unfortunately) dropping that bombshell can only ruin their lives a bit more.

The question is way too basic. It's impossible to answer without specific context, story, history, and details of the affair. I mean straight away are we talking about a Christmas party kiss on the same night they lost their job and shat themselves from drinking too much, or are we talking about a 6 month romance with weeks away on "work trips".

89897

Tell other half

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120099026#Comment_120099026

I do agree the questions is too basic when its not the same for everyone. However in my response I still think its best to let the person make their own decisions.

If you've cheated you should take the consequences that come with that.