Brother Says I Can't Sit Next To Wife At Wedding

Deeec

I think your are being unreasonable. You are a groomsman and you are part of the wedding party and you sit at the top table - thats the way it is - its your job. It would look daft having your wife sitting there too. You are partnered with a bridesmaid for the day so your wife will be on her own for most of the day ( until the first dance is over) - so you need to prepare her for that. You could ask for your son to sit with your wife - I think this is reasonable.

Annoying your brother with this sort of silly stuff is ridiculous - wedding organising is stressful enough as it is. Your wife is an adult and surely she can mingle with your friends and relations for a few hours and let you do your duty as groomsman for your brother.

Do you have a friends wife/cousin that could partner your wife for the day?

Tuesday_Girl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427825#Comment_119427825

It's going to be more than an hour or so, realistically he will see little of his wife until after 9/10pm when dinner and speeches are over. She'll be alone during and after the marriage ceremony too since the groomsman will be with the wedding party. Given that she knows no-one and is not a native English speaker, OP is just looking for ways to make the day easier for her by them spending less of it apart.

Unhappy Brother

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427896#Comment_119427896

My job? Thanks for that. I thought a wedding is meant to be a celebration where people feel welcome and open.

Lots of people seem to be saying "that's the way it is". Again, I was under the impression that a bride and groom can choose whatever plan they want, and there is no legal obligation to do things a certain way. The whole thing has really opened my eyes to the way most people follow what they're told to do and don't question it.

As for your question about a friend's wife/cousin to partner my wife for the day, the answer is no. As I mentioned in my original post, my parents don't get along with my aunts and uncles, none of them are coming to the wedding and neither are their children, i.e. my cousins. None of my friends will be there as I don't have mutual friends with my brother (mainly due to age difference).

Thanks though to all of you for the replies.

Fandymo

What’s poor little wifey gonna do for the hour in the church when the groomsman is up at the alter? Have people really gotten this soft where sitting with relatives and family friends is such turmoil??

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427987#Comment_119427987

Look I suggest you say to your brother now that you will attend the wedding but you cant be groomsman. This will give him enough time to ask a friend to be his groomsman. I think he will understand.

It was a really nice gesture for your brother to have you as groomsman but you dont seem to realise that as a groomsman you do have an important role in the day. There is no point in you being groomsman and being anxious about your wife all day. Please dont hold this against your brother and his wife to be - its normal for a bridesmaid/groomsman to be seated away from their partner - they are not snubbing your wife!

Go to the wedding as a guest with your family and enjoy the day.

Be right back

Could she sit with your sister and brother's girlfriend? If not, it's only a couple of hours at the end of the day and I'm sure your son will keep her busy!

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427987#Comment_119427987

You came here looking for people's opinions and you've got them. The majority agree with your brother. It's their special day, he's asked you to be a groomsman and traditionally the WAGs and HABs of groomsmen and bridesmaids sit at a separate table.

What you do now is up to you. If it was me, then I say if you can't avoid it, then you embrace it. Make the best of the situation, introduce your wife to as many people before the event and touch base with her whenever you can.

EDIT: if she's bringing the little man, then there will be other children and other parents. There will be plenty of topics of conversation and pleasantries.

Unhappy Brother

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427993#Comment_119427993

Thanks for your constructive comment, smart-arse. First, you should learn how to read. As I said earlier, my wife won't be with my relatives at any part of the marriage, ceremony or meal because there is no other family coming. Secondly, it won't be an hour, it will be probably 5 hours in total between ceremony, photos, speeches and meal.

If you have nothing meaningful to say, you should probably stay quiet.

realdanbreen

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427987#Comment_119427987

So the gist of it is your family don't get on with one another, you're already stressed out that your wife won't be at your side all day, your missus is presumably likewise stressed, the little man will be getting tired bored and cranky as the day goes on and you think someone on boards will solve all this for you. My advice...have about 6 pints before the meal, learn the words of mister brightside ,eat all around you and enjoy..

Faith

Wow your responses say an awful lot about you, OP. Although you may have mocked the use of the term, being in the bridal party is having a job for the day. You are expected to get ready with the bride/groom in many cases, to arrive at the ceremony venue early, to be available to guests, to sit up the front, to be available for pictures, meal, speeches, dancing, etc as required. A lot of people find it to be a pain in the ass. Being asked to be a groomsman was an invitation, not a demand. It's clear you can't tolerate what's being asked of you, so either suck it up, bow out now with grace or face an even more damaged relationship with your family due to your attitude.

freshpopcorn

Yes OP, the norm for am Irish wedding is the wedding party sits at the top table and some people will make an exception to this.

You asked your brother and now know his plans. Some would accommodate but others wouldn't.

Also remember your brother mightn't be the one pulling the strings here.

Just leave it go. Make up your mind where you want you son to sit and forget it.

Your wife is in fairly average position here. She's sitting next to people she's never met before and probably never met again. At least she can mess with her phone and pop back to the room when she's at a normal table.

Also, don't over think being a Groomsman.

screamer

Op the seating arrangement is the usual at weddings. If you want to be by your wife’s side all day then let your brother find another groomsman because you’ll be on duty all day for the ceremony, the meal, the photos and even the first few dances. If you’ve been to weddings you should know this. It’s not a slight to anyone it’s the way it is. Being honest, it’s your brothers one and only wedding day in his life, I’m sure you know yourself the importance of it. To your wife and child it’s a few hours. Your choice on what to do, but whatever you chose put your full effort into it.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428044#Comment_119428044

There’s another family coming I presume, relatives of the bride. And if you are going to ask people about their reading comprehension, I’ve never seen a wedding mass that goes on for 5 hours, which is what I mentioned. Will she turn to salt if you can’t reassuringly rub her back every 20 minutes??

Its your brothers/his future wife’s wedding, what they say goes. Don’t like it, pull out, and let him organise an alternative in peace.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427896#Comment_119427896

"I think your are being unreasonable. You are a groomsman and you are part of the wedding party and you sit at the top table - thats the way it is - its your job. It would look daft having your wife sitting there too. You are partnered with a bridesmaid for the day so your wife will be on her own for most of the day ( until the first dance is over) - so you need to prepare her for that."

Pah.. the OP doesn't have to put up with all that wedding etiquette rubbish. And that's what it is. He can do his little bit for his brother and then let them at it. 'partnered with a bridesmaid for the day' - for Gods' sake.

Sammy2012

I've been to weddings where I haven't known many and my hubby was a groomsman and all was fine. For my two brother in laws wedding I saw very little of husband. At one of those weddings I made my own way to the church and hotel and was sat at a table where I knew noone as they were work colleagues of the bride. Actually had a great day. Your wife will be fine but if you don't want to fully support your brother you should just decline the offer to be a groomsman and just attend as a guest.

Side note is your son being offered a seat at the top table as he is a paige boy? This would not be unusual either. There are many traditions involved in an Irish wedding that people like to do. I'm sorry to say but your brothers wedding day is not about you and your wife. So either go with it or pull out. It's up to you.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428220#Comment_119428220

Jaysis - another one thats never being at an Irish wedding it seems 😂🤣😏

Xterminator

OP your wife might feel a bit lost if she ha not relationship with your family and your brothers friends at the wedding anyway, especially if she is introverted, and not good at walking up and chatting with strangers! you could introduce her to a few people before the wedding if that is a concern. your son will be there and that is a plus! Your wedding duties mean she will not be your sole focus of attention before during and after the wedding.

I think its perfectly normal for the wedding party to be seated away form their family and friends as the seats a top table are limited! Don't hassle your brother but do have your son sit with his mother for her comfort. After the party starts you can sit with them both.

if you manage her and your own expectations prior to the wedding then you will be able to enjoy the day more. And that should be your focus.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428220#Comment_119428220

"Pah.. the OP doesn't have to put up with all that wedding etiquette rubbish"

The OP is not planning the wedding. The bride and groom are. Have you ever been to a wedding and decided to do your own thing, sit wherever you want, order off the menu, get up and leave halfway through the ceremony, do a speech that you haven't been asked to do?

No, you follow the plan, sit where you're told, and don't cause unnecessary hassle for other people.

Caranica

I think the thread title is disingenuous. Like others have said, it's par for the course at an Irish wedding that the bridal party sit together at the top table. The thread title hides the bridal party part of the thread and hints at a much bigger deal especially when you bring your wife's ethnicity into the matter, as you do at the very beginning of the thread.

You've two options, stay a groomsman and put up with it or resign and sit with your wife. That could cause all kinds of other seating plan issues for your brother but you'd be with your wife.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427834#Comment_119427834

The OPs son is a member of the wedding party too. That's why he was originally being seated at the top table.

The groom has already agreed the child can be seated with his mother, instead.

Edit: You're right. I don't know why I thought the son was part of the wedding party.

For Christ sake, the wife is from China, not the Andromeda galaxy. Being from China is an immediate conversation starter/ice-breaker.

You'll be separated for a couple of hours, as will other members of the top table from their other halves.

It's the biggest day of your brother's life, so for the sake of a couple of hours, suck it up.

realdanbreen

Does Peter know you've signed up to boards to discuss his upcoming wedding?

looksee

The OP is taking his cues from his parents - they are fine with being cut off from their entire family, even though this means their children do not have an extended family at all. They have apparently never shared the family idea of letting things go, accepting people's foibles, getting on with life without causing drama.

The OP is now going down the same route even though he lives on a different continent and doesn't even have to deal with day to day family issues. He will end up cut off from his siblings, and his own children will not know their Irish family.

OP, get over yourself, either go along with the wedding arrangements or don't go. Life is too short for this kind of navel gazing.

bucketybuck

Considering the attitude of the OP and how he apparently sees the role of groomsman as being a chore and something imposed upon him, I can understand why his family all stay away from each other. Most people do not see being beside their brother on their wedding day as an imposition.

Could I suggest bringing 2 Ipads to the wedding? One to keep the son entertained, and one for the wife who apparently cannot survive on her own for a few hours. Or maybe only one is needed if they both like Peppa pig.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428320#Comment_119428320

There's weddings and there's weddings and we've been to both types. The pretentious ones and the easy going events. At end of the day, the bride & groom (or their parents) decide as you say on the style of it. But they may also take account of their guests needs.

Unhappy Brother

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428077#Comment_119428077

I genuinely didn't know this about the role of the groomsman. I was under the impression it's simply the best man gives the speech, and the other groomsmen walk down the aisle with the bridesmaids and pose for photos. I didn't know anything about being available for guests, dances, etc. This was never explained to me. I've been to a few weddings but not a lot.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428040#Comment_119428040

There will be no other children there. There will be no other family there. I'm a little bit dismayed at people constantly making incorrect assumptions despite me laying out all the information.

I have to say that it strikes me that people saying "this is normal for an Irish wedding" over and over has almost become like the Nuremburg defence. People don't seem to give any logical explanation or base their opinions on empathy or consideration for family. It's just simply a case of "them's the rules, it's always been that way, twill always be that way, tough shite".

Thank you to everyone for your feedback though. As you can see, most of the views given are not quite what I wanted to hear, but that's the importance of getting other people's opinions.

Toots

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428029#Comment_119428029

I'd say this is probably the best course of action to the OP if he wants to ensure he's sitting with this wife. The only problem is I noticed he said he's coming home in September, so I'd imagine the wedding is fairly soon after that, so backing out as a groomsman at this stage could be very problematic for his brother, especially if suits etc have been bought. He could run the risk of the brother getting the hump and telling him not to bother coming to the wedding at all.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428672#Comment_119428672

The OP should let his brother know now if he doesnt want to be groomsman. There is still plenty of time to arrange a stand in but OP needs to decide by this weekend.

realdanbreen

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428581#Comment_119428581

A set of walkie talkies would be the right job! " Are you OK at that table over". " Roger that, yes I think I'll try the beef, over"

spaceHopper

It sounds normal to me, seating at wedding is very hard to get right he's offered you a good compromise take it. Between courses drop over to the table and check on them. Get something to keep your son entrained during the meal, coloring... not a device as it could make noise.

If you can ask your other brother to get his girlfriend to make an effort to get to know her. Same with your sister. If you could they be moved to the same table. Great way for your son to send time with his family.

Wedding are stressful enough don't add to it for them.