Brother Says I Can't Sit Next To Wife At Wedding

Unhappy Brother

This issue might seem a bit small compared to some of the problems people have but I’m quite upset and would like to hear people’s opinions.

I’ll keep it short and to the point. I live in China with my Chinese wife. I’ve been here nearly 9 years now. My wife and I have a little boy who is 6 years old.

I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. Last year, my brother, Peter, got engaged to his girlfriend and their wedding is coming up later this year. He invited me, my wife and our child to come to the wedding and we gladly accepted. My brother also asked me to be a groomsman, along with our other brother and his best friend (who is best man). We’re due to fly home at the end of September – permitting ongoing situation with covid.

While talking to my parents on skype recently, they informed me that Peter and his fiancée have organized the wedding reception and seating arrangements. They told me that I would be sitting at the main table along with my son and my parents, my siblings, bride and groom, groom’s parents, maids of honour and groomsmen. My wife however, will be sitting at a different table with my parents’ friends. When they told me this I was shocked and a bit upset. First of all, I consider my wife to be part of my family. Secondly, there is the issue of separating my little man from his mother. Thirdly, there’s the fact that my wife will not know anyone at the wedding apart for my immediate family. She’s from a different culture and doesn’t speak English as her native language. Her English is quite good (we work in an English-speaking environment here) but she will be the only non-Irish person there and on the occasions when we have been home in the past, she struggled to understand people with their accents from my home town.

I spoke to my brother Peter in a very calm way and asked him if he could arrange for my wife to sit at the main table with the rest of us. He told me that there wasn’t enough room. I explained to him that the situation wasn’t good, and I would like to sit with my wife and that she would also feel very uncomfortable being at a table with people she’s never met. My brother told me that his wedding cannot “revolve around my wife”. He also told me that our other brother is bringing his girlfriend who will be seated at a different table. My sister isn’t bringing anyone.

I was quite upset but didn’t want to cause an argument. The following day I told him that if it wasn’t possible for my wife to sit at the main table with me and everyone else, then could he arrange for me and my son to sit at the other table with my wife. He said he would think about it. He then came back to me and said as I am a groomsman, I have to sit at the bridal party table but my son can sit with my wife at the other table. He said those are the only 2 options, either myself and my son at the main table with my wife separate, or me at the main table with my wife and son separate.

I don’t know if it’s relevant but the family history is also weighing on my mind here. We’ve all had a very rocky relationship in the past, with lots of fighting and arguments, both in the immediate family and extended family. My father has 2 brothers who he doesn’t speak to, and they’re not invited to the wedding for example. My mother has 1 sister and she has refused the invite saying that she can’t make it. There has been a lot of water under the bridge but for the last few years I have had a fairly stable relationship with everyone, and I’ve really made an effort to have good relations with the family – travelling back when I could both pre and post-covid, talking regularly on skype, trying to help them with problems, etc.

I can see the potential here for a big argument and I don’t want that. That’s why I’ve been very careful in speaking to Peter nicely and not being aggressive.

Happy to hear your thoughts.

sbs2010

If Peter or his fiancee are the type to take the hump and hold a grudge you'll have to suck it up and leave wife on her own or suffer the grudge.

But it's not just the meal. As a groomsman you'll be expected to hang around the bridal party all day.

Say to Peter - look wife doesn't know anyone and she'll have a **** time, can you find another groomsman? I think would be better if I wasn't in wedding party (top table people)

FunLover18

Take the offer of placing your son at your wife's table and leave it at that. It's not an ideal outcome but they'll have each other and and tbh it's only for the length of the dinner and speeches, no one sticks to the seating once the party starts.

Personally I don't think it's worth making a fuss over, it's not like your wife wasn't invited and if your other brother's gf isn't at the main table either then she's not being deliberately excluded.

I can see the above poster's point about groomsman duties but if you got this close to argument over seating I can only imagine the tension if you tell your brother you don't want to be a groomsman anymore.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058257412/brother-says-i-cant-sit-next-to-wife-at-wedding

Have you never been to a wedding before? The wedding party sit at the top table and everyone else on other tables. It’s always been this way

Ficheall

Had your son not been at the bridal table, that would have been the arrangement I would have expected. He and your wife being at another table seems standard, I think.

BronsonTB

It would be normal for your wife to have to sit at another table (not part of bridal party). Either take on the role of groomsman, accepting that your wife will have to site/talk & mingle with other guests or you don't do groomsman & sit with her.

Making a huge deal out of something that shouldn't be. It's not your day, it's his!

Nothing to do with history/family relationships or anything like that. This is simply 'normal' wedding etiquette!

Enjoy the wedding either way...it should be a once off....

Atlantic Dawn

Tell him you can't be a groomsman due to a back injury, problem solved.

89897

Its very normal for the bridal party and parents to sit at the top table and partners be they wives or husbands to sit at a guests table. I never seen it otherwise. I get where you're coming from but honestly I think it's very unreasonable to ask for your wife to be included at the top table.

I think most of us have been in situations where our partners were in the bridal party and we had to sit at another table at a wedding. Its sounds like they are having a fairly traditional wedding set up so thats just the way it is.

Givin the history and fact you've worked very hard to get things to a good place, im sure your wife would understand and put up with being apart for the 2 some hours you'll be eating.

Baybay

Weddings can be nightmares for all concerned.

People get caught up on what should be done etiquette wise, what the neighbour did, what can be done that’s different / the same, what mammy wants, what the actual couple wants etc.

If your family is as small town as you suggest, they may have no idea how isolating it’d be for your wife to have a seating arrangement as suggested. That said, the “top” table is usually for the wedding party & would only include those family members who have a role on the day.

If the wedding is proceeding along this traditional seating plan, sit with the wedding party for the meal but ask for your wife & son to be seated at the next table nearest you, allowing ease of interaction between you. I say this as someone who frequently is amazed at what my OH’s family consider normal but also as someone who lives far enough away from them to be able to choose my battles.

DoctorEdgeWild

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427317#Comment_119427317

Every wedding can be totally different, the configurations and arrangements can be changed in a hundred different ways, it's all up to the couple to do what they fancy.

bucketybuck

The in-laws always sit at another table, the OP must never have been to an Irish wedding before.

You are creating drama here and I doubt your brother is thanking you for it, wedding planning is bad enough without this sort of micro management.

Are you not also doing your wife a dis-service as well, she is a grown woman who I'm sure she can handle sitting with a few strangers for a few hours.

You shouldn't take this personally.

It is normal wedding etiquette for members of the wedding party to sit at the top table with the bride and groom, while their spouses or partners are seated with the guests.

I think the compromise of seating your son and wife together is the best you can expect, unless you pull out of being groomsman yourself.

JayRoc

I think it would have been perfectly normal wedding etiquette to expect you to sit at the top table away from your missus if you're in the wedding party...

with the exception of them expecting your young son to sit up there away from his mother. That is a bit thoughtless and whether they meant it or not (they probably didn't) it would make it seem like your wife was being excluded.

I wasn't at the top table at my sibling's wedding and it was no big deal, I have been at the top table while my wife was seated elsewhere, also no big deal.

Best option for you IMO is to leave your kid with your missus for the meal, explain to her that this is normal at Irish weddings, but for christ's sake don't ignore her for the day regardless of what your brother wants.

( Your OP said that none of your other siblings who are also sitting at the top table will be joined by their spouses/partners? That should help put your mind at rest).

bullpost

Is it an option to travel home alone for this? That will solve it.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058257412/brother-says-i-cant-sit-next-to-wife-at-wedding

seating your son at the main table is the main issue here, he doesn't have a role to play like you and the best man, so he should be seated with his mother and then problem is solved.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427519#Comment_119427519

The option would be to travel home a few days early and introduce your wife to some people who'll be at the wedding, maybe even the table. My last wedding table had the WAGs of the groomsmen who knew no one, we all got along fine.

Your wife is from a different culture and will have plenty to talk about. Besides, half the time you're eating and the other half you're listening to speeches.

realdanbreen

If the seating arrangements for the wedding are causing you to be "quite upset " a month out from the ceremony and the brother is digging his heels in then it all should get interesting when ye have a few pints down!

Curse These Metal Hands

Every time I read a thread like this I'm more convinced that eloping is the best way to get married.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427389#Comment_119427389

The vast, vast majority of Irish wedding have the wedding party at the top table and always have done.

StupidLikeAFox

Ask your brother to sit your wife and child with some sound family or friends who will make her feel included.

facehugger99

My advice would be to apologize to your brother for acting like a drama-queen.

CreadanLady

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427332#Comment_119427332

Cos groomsmen have to lift heavy things for the day?

That is a stupid idea.

Sure the brother will know right well that he hasn't got a back injury and he is only making it up.

Riesen_Meal

Not an ideal situation OP but you have to see it from his side also...

Take the offer of the child at the table with her, it's not your wedding at the end of the day and chances are it will only be for a few hours and you will be back sitting with them after realistically..

It's not every day people get married so just try accommodate him for the day that is in it...

Baybay

Wow.

OP, don’t change your plans. Come home with your wife & son, plan on being groomsman, no need to apologise to your brother, just enjoy the many vagaries of Irish family importances & head off back to doing your own thing when it’s all over.

But do ask for the seating option I suggested earlier. (Forgot to mention that hence the edit)

Furze99

The OP is right to be annoyed, his wife is not exactly in the same position as other Irish guests. You can see why he's concerned and fair dues to him for being considerate. I'd suggest to OP that he discusses with his wife and see what she feels happy with. Certainly their child should be with her, to suggest otherwise is complete nonsense. Maybe as suggested make sure she's introduced to a few others at table beforehand and/or have a word with them to explain situation. As regards event, as soon as decorum allows, shift yourself to your wife's able. It's the brother & his fiancee's day but not everything revolves around them, others have to manage. We've declined wedding invites in the past when children weren't to be facilitated.

realdanbreen

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427707#Comment_119427707

You're blonde aren't you!

secondrowgal

As an example, we had the best man's girlfriend at the top table at our wedding because she didn't know anyone. But that was our choice. She'd have been fine seated elsewhere too.

However, it's your brother's wedding and the seating arrangements are a right pain. Don't be adding to his stress by getting upset over this. Let your son sit with his mother and problem solved.

Atlantic Dawn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427707#Comment_119427707

Exactly, it's code for him to know it's a pain in the hole task he doesn't want to be involved in. He should have made him best man or nothing coming all that way over to be spending the day going around with rubbish tasks when all you want is to relax.

realdanbreen

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427760#Comment_119427760

Steady on now. Somebody is being a bit clingy here and it's not Peter. The wife is going to be sitting in the same room as him probably no more than few yards away for what an hour or so.

lawred2

The fu*k? your son but not your wife? I can't wrap my head around that.

Just ask for your son to be seated with your wife.

Padre_Pio

Just another point to add is that even if your wife is with you at the table, you're going to be busy with the groom beforehand, with the photos, with the ceremony, you're not going to have a minute to talk to her anyways until the dinner is over. She'll have the little man with her occupying her attention too.

Your best bet is to introduce her to people at the start of the day and just get on with things. You're overthinking this majorly. It's only a few hours.