I don’t want to end it

tenten21

It's not just the bitchy comments though, she was likely trying to be respectful and not lower herself to their standard. It's the dishonesty and dating apps and gaslighting that are the bigger issues.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would someone keep you in a relationship while being dishonest?

Why are you staying in a relationship with someone who is dishonest?

The way you speak about him makes it feel like you are a passenger. Like you don't have any say. Like you just have to accept whatever he decides.

He can't "keep" you anywhere you don't want to be. And you don't want to end it. Your title says as much. So you need to look at your own actions rather than his. You are looking around at your friends settling down and feel pressure to do the same. Rather than stepping back to consider if this is the right relationship for you, you are marching on wondering how to make it the right relationship for you, because you need to be in a position now to settle down like your friends.

Settling down with this fella will be the biggest regret of your life.

Why do you love him? That can be a rhetorical question, although it might be good to list here.

Now, here's the hard bit. You need to respect yourself also. Don't let anyone treat you like you have been treated. You deserve better. Read that again. YOU, deserve better.

You're in a situation where you are stressing, over eating. You also realise a main reason you are staying with this guy is for 'biological clock' reasons. In reality, one good thing here is that there are no kids complicating things.

Now, I'm going to make a prediction. If you show signs of wanting to break up or actually break up, he WILL change. He'll start to treat you better, maybe stop treating you like a doormat and might even stand up for you... for a while, it will be a knee jerk reaction at the fear of losing you... and he will revert to type eventually as sure as night follows days.

Why... not because he loves you (you don't treat people you LOVE as badly as he treats you) but you are convenient, familiar and... a fall back (he's on dating sites). IF he meets the right person (god love her) he will dump you. That would be shattering... but, you can take control.

So, why do you love him... or is it the thought of being in love?

Good luck, you will find better.

P.S. there are good guys out there. There are plenty of people complaining about useless punks like your guy, but we only hear about the guys/gals in RI's that are shameful because... who comes on RI to say their other half is brilliant 😉

airy fairy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119072515#Comment_119072515

This is a really sad post tbh.

You're in love with the idea of a long term relationship. Holding onto it as a just in case, like a deposit.

You know it's not right. Don't hope things will change. You shouldn't hope things will change in a relationship.

It's only natural to worry about the future, especially on the female side, but why would you even consider the future, like a baby, when all you could offer it is insecurity? To be the best parent you can be, you need to be hapoy and confident. You are neither anymore.

If you end this relationship, he will promise you that he'll change etc. He won't want to loose something while he has nothing else. But I'm sure if he found someone to replace you, he wouldn't think twice about walking away.

Take some time away from him, if only a weekend. Be truthful with yourself and write down your future life expectations. Examine how he'd react or treat you in those scenarios. For example, the death of a close one, the birth of a child, you being sick needing care....would he give you the respect and care that you deserve? My thinking is that no, he wouldn't give you the care and attention that you deserve.

Neyite

One question to ask yourself -

If you weren't the age you are, if you were 25 for example, would you put up with this relationship? I don't think you would. I think it's the fear that he might be your only chance for children is keeping you there. Would it help your decision making to know you had say, 5 more years on that front than you think you do?

I don't think that you specifically state your age, but I had my son at 36. And while I had other fertility issues that limited our family size, the clinic saw no reason why I couldn't continue to try for a baby until my early/mid forties. It's widely understood that there are some additional risks for older mothers and pregnancy but a lot of that is regurgitated from people who a) have never had any fertility issues themselves, b) never had a 40s pregnancy themselves and c) have never actually been clinically evaluated by experts in that field for their fertility in their forties. So maybe an appointment with a fertility doctor, who is up to date on current reproductive statistics might clear up some fears in that regard for you.

bitofabind

I was in a similar place to you mentally about five years ago. Early 30s, the weddings and babies and settling down was escalating around me, and I was deeply afraid of "going against the grain" and landing myself single with no prospects for the same things down the line.

I ended it and did about two years of therapy to really actually learn and understand the following: what other people are doing doesn't matter. Timelines don't matter if you have to compromise yourself so badly to meet them. What matters is that you're living according to your values, honouring your needs and your true self. You aren't doing that now. You're abandoning yourself, self sabotaging and trying to fit a square peg into a round hole so you can be on track to get all these external boxes ticked on a schedule. That is so deeply traumatising and damaging. It's why you're over-eating. It's why you're here posting about it.

Fcuk the schedule. Breaking up with your boyfriend does throw you into the unknown. I cried for a year solid and I swore off men and accepted that I was probably going to be alone forever. Everything hurt. My plans got scuppered. It's five years later and I'm such a stronger, wiser and more fulfilled person for it. I'm not afraid of hard decisions anymore. I quit my job and moved countries during Covid. I started a career change. I met an incredible partner when the time was right, a guy that truly feels like he's made for me. Breaking up with my ex catapulted me into a world of self-reflection and of making big changes for the greater good because it was what was necessary to live a life on. my. terms.

Please, please don't let fear win this one. Yes it is scary. And yes it puts you on a different path. But it is also the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Create that precedent NOW of doing what's right FOR YOU no matter what. Don't create one of ignoring your gut and not trusting yourself to stand on your own two feet. You will be fine, I promise.

bottlebrush

OP I was in a relationship many years ago and the beginning of the end was when he started going to parties on his own, telling me he couldn't bring anyone with him. But I glossed over it, wanting to believe what he was saying even though before this he had started to exhibit controlling behaviours which I was unhappy with but I held on thinking he'd change. I was in my mid thirties and thought I'd never meet anybody else. He was looking for somebody better . At the 2 year mark he did find somebody better and then dropped me. I am so grateful he did because in hindsight if we'd stayed together he would have been only settling for me and I would have been do 'grateful' he stayed I'd be putting up with things that went against my grain. I would have been so unhappy as we were not compatible in the things that mattered.

Your guy may stay with you as long as you serve a purpose, but if he's going to functions without you and swiping on apps he's looking for somebody 'better' than you. If he does, he'll leave. In the meantime he will leave you hanging - for how long only god knows. If he doesn't find somebody else he may stay with you anyway while you continue to hope he will change or even decide he'd be happier single.

Take control of the situation and end things while you still have time to meet 'the one' and stop wasting your time and somebody who is not, or never will be, or you. And remember it's better to be on your own than in poor company.