I don’t want to end it

olivebranch0

Hey. Need advice.

Been with my OH for a while. We love eachother and we get on well, I’ve never been this close to anyone which is amazing at times and there was a point I believed he was the one but there are some issues that don’t show signs of improving or changing and my needs are not being met by him or the relationship but his needs are. I’ve tried to talk several times and bring things up, it always falls on deaf ears, he will be on his best behaviour for a week and continue the same behaviour once again. I’ve tried to be patient, I’ve tried to “relax” but my points are valid usually and he doesn’t respect me enough to actually improve or acknowledge when he does wrong, he doesn’t stick up for me either.

Now I’m at a stage where I’m emotionally and mentally drained, frustrated and heartbroken as I have always prioritised him and I’ve been a good partner but I don’t get the same level back and I’m fed up.

I don’t want to end it but I don’t want to hang on with someone who doesn’t respect me or treat me the same as I treat them.

Any advice? TIA

olivebranch0

Sorry meant to post in RI

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Mod Note: Moved to Relationship Issues

You seem to be framing everything as 'right' or 'wrong', e.g. 'his best behaviour', 'I've been a good partner', 'when he does wrong'.

Firstly, a leopard can't change its spots. Sure, we all naturally grow and change over time, but telling a person to change nearly never works. You're saying you don't feel respected. You might be able to get him to act more respectful, in the short-term, but he'll always fall back into how he really feels, because his underlying attitude isn't going to change based on being told what to do.

Secondly, no one likes to think that they're wrong. The language you're using around right/wrong, good/bad, can't be helpful in trying to get him on-side.

If you really don't want to end it, you'll need to find a way to meet him in the middle and find a solution together, like you're both on the same team. Let him be a part of solving the problem, instead of just telling him how he needs to behave. I think you'll need to let go of the whole right/wrong thing too. While I've no doubt you're in the right, I just don't think it buys you much in a relationship.

olivebranch0

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119067991#Comment_119067991

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t berate or nag him at all. He sometimes will do something without thinking and I will just point out afterwards “when you did X, I felt Y and I’d prefer if you didn’t do that or see it from my POV” etc I’m not nagging or trying to be right all the time because I’d often apologise and acknowledge if I do or say something off putting etc. it’s as if he has no cop on or doesn’t care how I would feel about things or have consideration.

Jequ0n

Can you specify what your partner does that you consider disrespectful or dismissive? Your posts are a bit vague.

NiceFella

Hi OP,

Would agree with true or false about avoiding the use of right or wrong descriptions when it comes to your BFs behavior. Unless of course it's objectively wrong.

If it's a matter of values not lining up, you have two options, either you leave (if you think it's irreconcilable) or you try meet them in the middle.

Classic example would be relationships were one partner drinks too much(as perceived by other partner).

Working things out is possible but you will have to have a serious heart to heart about what he does and how it makes you feel. However, you have to approach this in the correct way. Accusatory and trying to moralise why they are "wrong" will just make you look like a bully. You must tell them that you care for them but you feel uncared for when they do the things they do.

NiceFella

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119068294#Comment_119068294

Ok I think I get from this post a bit more of what you are getting at.

He does things that may result in you feeling insecure or embarrassed without fully realising what he is doing when in the moment?

Would that be what you mean?

Big Bag of Chips

You probably need to give a little bit more detail OP in order for people to give you meaningful advice. Your issues could be everything from leaving the toilet seat up to disappearing on drink and drug benders twice a month.

Relationship Issues posters are generally very good to give advice. But it is important to give some detail in your posts that posters can reply to.

BBoC

olivebranch0

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119068976#Comment_119068976

The issue I’m having is disrespect and dishonesty. He lies about silly and serious things and will hide things. For example, one time there was a party on and he kept saying how there was no plus one and I didn’t mind, I went about my own business and thought no more about it…. only to be informed afterwards from someone else there were plus ones and he continued to lie and say he never said that when he did. One family member constantly insults me every-time I meet them and I take it out of politeness but he just stands there and allows it. He doesn’t seem to react or care and it’s hurtful. I’ve done nothing to deserve it and could stand on my head for him and it still wouldn’t be good enough. His commitment has also been in question as he’s been caught red handed swiping online.I love him but at times, it’s too much and taking a toll on my emotions and I often feel stressed and deflated. Everything is about him, his life, his job. I also have a family, a life and demanding job but everything revolves around him and I do blame myself partially as I made big efforts, been supportive and made gestures and I barely get anything back. 

I’m fed up and frustrated but I love him and worry I would lose “the one”. It’s not all bad. We do have fun and enjoy spending time together. I’m just outlining here where the issues are.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069308#Comment_119069308

He doesn't sound like "the one". He's gaslighting you and taking you for a fool. My advice would be to get out and stay out. It won't change and, if anything, will probably get worse.

Re-read your posts on here, and think what you would tell a friend if they confided the above to you. From the tone of your posts, you deserve an awful lot better.

olivebranch0

I’m usually a calm, confident person and content but at times, I feel I’m turning into someone else completely. Insecure and paranoid because of the dishonesty and that’s not who I am at all.

Snugbugrug28

I don't want to jump the gun but it sounds like he wants to do the dirts at every opportunity. I can't see that changing. If you don't see it changing its time to leave.

Jequ0n

You haven’t mentioned one thing that you like about him.

looksee

What is it about him that you love? I don't mean that in a sarcastic way, I am just asking you to think about the aspects of his personality that you do find attractive? Evidently they outweigh the negative aspects. Do you think he is aware of issues in your relationship? Do you think he loves you? Would counselling help?

Are you so intent on not rocking the boat that you don't confront him at all? He says 'hassles and issues with the job' would you respond distantly with 'I know what you mean, the boss wants us to do x but ... problems'. Let him know that he is not the only one with a job - he apparently doesn't do subtle so try the direct approach.

Jafin

From what you've described I don't think he is "the one" for you. In regards to the family member insulting you I don't think it's wrong for you to retort and stand up for yourself instead of just sitting there and taking it, but by the same token he also shouldn't just be ignoring it. Even if he doesn't defend you there and then the least he should be doing is taking the family member aside and having a conversation with them where he asks them not to disrespect you. As for being caught swiping (on dating apps presumably) that is an enormous red flag, and I wouldn't stand for that in a monogamous relationship.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself with him. Tell him how these things make you feel. If it can't be resolved then I don't think this is the right relationship for you. If you feel like you're changing for the worse, internally, then he is not the right person for you. A partner should complement and enhance your life, not make you second guess yourself all the time.

NiceFella

OP, Thanks for sharing more about your situation.

From your most recent posts I can say he most certainly is not the "one". How on earth are you supposed to plan a decent life with someone who is not honest with you. And more than that looks like he is being unfaithful (more than likely he is given the dishonesty he has shown). He clearly doesn't respect you. If someone in my family insulted my GF for no reason, I would be so furious that they would be afraid of me. It's a no brainer for me, you need to get away from him. Be thankful you don't have kids with him because his behavior will not change.

Unfortunately people fall in love with bad apples all the time and it's up to them to have self respect enough to walk away. It won't get better. I have a friend who is with a girl that treats him like trash and he had kids with her. Needless to say he isn't happy, but it's very difficult to walk away now.

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069333#Comment_119069333

+1 to this. I'm sure he has good points or you wouldn't have stayed with him but they are serious things that, imo, will not change.

Do you really want this to be your lot for life?

olivebranch0

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069518#Comment_119069518

It can be a direct insult or a bitchy comment and they would watch my reaction. It’s very strange and tbh, people like that I would avoid but I can’t avoid this person hence why I’m in the way of it. I wasn’t brought up like that. My parents are geniune and caring, welcome him and are decent towards him even though he doesn’t deserve it sometimes. I did stand up for myself with the online stuff and he took different stances on it during the conversation, protested his innocence, made me feel stupid as it’s not important to him. I felt so small and stupid but months later, it still upsets me and plays on my mind.

I suppose the last insult from the family member has really pushed me over the edge I have to say. It was so juvenile and hurtful and my tolerance is gone now. I’m only human and don’t think I can keep going with this anymore.

I don’t understand how my Bf can be so oblivious or lacking such self awareness that he can’t see how I’m being insulted and hurt over and over again. I am very self aware and have basic cop on and know what’s hurtful and what’s not.

olivebranch0

I’m at an age where I want to get married down the road and have a family. At the moment, Im not too sure I would have faith in him as a husband, supporting me or standing up for me etc… there’s no passion. In a situation like the family member insulting me or making bitchy comments, I would hope the man in my life would stand up and stick up for me or speak to them or at least speak to me in private afterwards but he ignores it and carries on as if nothing happened. Then he asks me am I ok as if the problem is with me and the whole thing just sucks the life out of me. I want a man to have some back bone.

I don’t want mind games in my life and this is what it looks like but I’m afraid I’m misjudging the situation and I’ve lost faith in my own judgement.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069603#Comment_119069603

Well if you want all of the above, it's time to kick the scrub to the kerb and get back out there and find one. The longer you stay with this lad, the longer you are away from "the one".

Big Bag of Chips

So are you OK with living like that for the rest of your life? The next 40-50 years?

Because that's who he is. And that's who he always will be. If you don't want to end it that's OK. But you need to accept that this is as good as it's going to get.

Jafin

All I can say further to this is that if you're not happy now, I don't expect you'd be any happier 10 years from now if you're married to him and have children. As someone else mentioned, if you don't have any children with him then now is the perfect opportunity for you to leave him. You have nothing shared that will tie him to the rest of your life. You have options.

He has already sowed doubt about his honesty in your mind due to his swiping habits. Those doubts likely will not go away and could potentially wreak havoc on your mental health further down the line, making you even more paranoid. Remember that you are the protagonist of your life. Don't make yourself suffer in order to try and make him happy. He is not worth your time or effort.

My advice would be to leave him and take some time to reflect on the relationship so you can try and avoid men like him in the future.

olivebranch0

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069700#Comment_119069700

It’s all very juvenile for me tbh. I know I should have a thicker skin but there’s only so much I can take. I’ve been nothing but good to him and his family.

The swiping took a toll on me if I’m honest. I was tearful, really down and hard on myself the weeks after I found out. I would usually be confident and it took a toll on my confidence in and out of the bedroom too because I felt I was being judged/compared or I was a consolation prize and being used while he was thinking of someone else. He never said that but that’s what it did to me.

I’ve tried to be mature, get past this and be positive and things were in a great place the last two months but that family members bitchy comment belittled our relationship and me as a person in a nano second and he stood there and said sweet **** all. I think that told me everything I needed to know. He has no respect for me or our relationship and I am 100% being taken for granted because I always bounce back!

Jequ0n

“He has no respect for me or our relationship and I am 100% being taken for granted because I always bounce back!”

You are not bouncing back. Instead a bit of your self confidence is eroded each time you are being devalued. That’s possibly the purpose of it too, because an insecure partner is easier to control than one that does not question their perception. Unless he simply doesn’t care enough to adjust his behaviour.

Jafin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069735#Comment_119069735

The fact you bounce back could possibly be part of the issue too (not blaming you, he 100% is behaving in a **** way). He's probably thinking "Oh she'll be fine in a week or two anyway, so it's no big deal that I did X or Y." He could be thinking that no matter what he does you'll get over it, so there is no real threat to the relationship for him. I know how you feel, I've been in the position myself where I make excuses for the other person's behaviour. I know it's cliché, but hindsight really is 20/20 when it comes to less than great relationships.

Maybe a tool that could help you is to find somewhere quiet to sit down. Make a list of what you want out of life, or even just out of a relationship. See how many of those things he meets for you. It might be a useless exercise, but it might give you some perspective.

Edit: Just read Jequ0n's post above mine, and I think that post is more accurate about the bouncing back.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069603#Comment_119069603

I could be on my own here, but if family are sniping at each other he's doing the right thing not getting involved. My husband certainly wouldn't get involved in our family arguments and I wouldn't get involved in his. Speak up for yourself if you have an issue with someone.

Feeling he has no respect for you is a different kettle of fish. How long have you been together?

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069813#Comment_119069813

I dunno, if a sibling of mine was disrespectful to my wife then I wouldn't be long telling them where to get off.

I have seen a brother in law being disrespectful to a sister and bit my lip as other than noting it, that's a matter in their relationship. Changed my view of him though, permanently.

As regards OP here, if you don't stand up to certain things that are bottom lines, then you'll always be walked over by this chap. Up to you to decide whether you can go along with that. Some spouses do and others don't.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058245985/i-don-t-want-to-end-it

i hope it all works out but i do recall one person in my past mentioning my "behaviour" and i ran a mile

NiceFella

Nah I don't think you need a thicker skin. Its weird to be honest as adult taking juvenile remarks from people that you wouldn't otherwise be that close to. Its not normal to behave like that in my experience.

It isnt banter when a person clearly is not into it. You only do that stuff when you know a person a good while and understand their respective sense of humor. Otherwise it's just plain dumb behavior.

This line stands out "Then he asks me am I ok as if the problem is with me".

That to me is manipulative behavior. He is deflecting his family's poor behavior and making it your problem. In essence he is making you doubt yourself.

One other thing is if you do decide to cut him out, be fully prepared for him to offer you the "Sun, moon and stars" or massive anger at how your standards are unreasonable. Don't buy that for a second.

However if you have close friends not associated with him I'd consult with them and use them as a support because these things can be tough.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119069869#Comment_119069869

Sorry.... I read it as a family member of the OPs was doing the insulting

Neyite

So you've two options -

1. Carry on as you are with him and accept this is how it will always be. The selfishness will always remain. The wandering eye will always remain. The lack of having your back, considering your feelings, all of those things will remain, and quite possibly get worse. He may not be the worst, but he doesn't sound all that great either.
2. Leave. (be warned, he could very well promise the moon and stars to change here but likely it would only be temporary then he would revert back to type. If he did manage permanent change, wouldn't you be low level pissed off that he was capable of changing all along but just didn't care about your unhappiness until it affected him by you leaving? Again that would come from his selfishness)

You are at the age where it's marriage material you are looking for. Do you want kids? If you do, can you see - actually see - him prioritising family life over his own wants? Can you see him sticking up for you when his relative is throwing shít around about your parenting style, having your back when you decide you want to breastfeed/baby wear/ baby led weaning or will that relative cause problems or interfere in that regard? Is he going to go off and do his own thing and leave you to toddler-wrangle and wifework your entire family life with no support or help from him?

Another point I need to make - there is no such thing as The One. There are a series of Ones. All relationships have a shelf life and an end date, whether that's seven days, seven months, or seventy years. Someone will always leave the other, voluntary or involuntary. So what makes a relationship the Big One is because you are with someone who makes life better for you, and vice versa in the time that you have together. When I got a really nice raise, my partner was the first one I called. When I had a medical check up I was worried about, he was checking in with me afterwards to see how it went. When both of us at different times were bereaved, it was each other we turned to. When his brother made a stupid remark that hurt my feelings, my partner was the one who had a quiet word to his brother not to joke about that thing again to me. I know that we have an end date - I hope it's many many years from now when we are old and grey, so that's made me even gladder that I didn't settle for the ex's that I thought were The One at the time and went out and met the person that didn't need fixing or changing or me living my life hoping and being sad.

In a good relationship there's balance, harmony, you agree on most of the little stuff and all of the big stuff.

But because there's a balance and harmony in a healthy relationship, it also follows that one of you can't fix the relationship. Both need to be fully involved in the fixing. If he's not doing his part then you don't have much choice other than to go back to the options 1 or 2 I've outlined above.