I don’t want to end it

daithi7

Leave.

You may feel you don't want to now, but in 6 months I'm betting your only regret will be how you put up with this crap for so long. There are other fish in the sea!!

CreadanLady

The writing is on the wall. When the trust is gone like this and there is resentment, there is no going back from it. It is over between ye. What ye have now is a relationship on a ventilator. it is only being sustained by force. Turn of the switch and put it out of its misery.

Cut, dump and run.

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119070040#Comment_119070040

Excellent post. It's sound like OP has chosen the option of changing her partner into somebody he is not and most likely will never be. I expect this is leading to the frustration.

As stated in the OP her OH is getting what he wants out of the relationship. He doesn't feel there is anything wrong.

OP started out being vague about here partners shortcomings and failings. We asked for detail the examples struck me as situations where there really could be two differing sides to the story.

OP, you used the word 'relax' in the OP in quotes suggesting that who have been requested to chill a bit by your partner. Does he ever accuse you of being a bit controlling or overly sensitive?

At the risk of being accused of gaslighting or blame shifting, your determination to mould your partner into something he is not may be contributing to the degradation of his behaviour. You have been very critical of him in your posts. I can't imagine he responds well to this type of criticism. Nobody does.

Exchanges like “when you did X, I felt Y and I’d prefer if you didn’t do that or see it from my POV”  aren't usually as cut and dried as this sounds in the real world. What if he said “when I did X, you felt Y and I’d prefer if you didn’t feel that or see it from my POV”?

In the end it does boil down to option 1 or 2. I would suggest 2 based on what I'm reading. He doesn't appear to be the guy for you. Look to yourself and you take control of the situation. Hopefully you will be in a much happier place by the end of the year. The fact that you are looking for solutions suggests you will be. Best of luck.

olivebranch0

@Wombatman

I wouldn’t say I’m controlling or overly sensitive. That’s not the case at all. He’s dishonest about things and makes me feel and look stupid.

Just to say, I do stand up for myself if it’s something he does but the conversation goes usually like this:

I could literally bring up something he did last week or yesterday or an hour ago. He has no idea what I mean, he gets upset and admits it, I start to back down when he’s upset, he changes tack and gets narky in a dismissive way and makes me feel stupid for making a fuss of XY or Z. I come away feeling none the wiser only that I pointed it out. Carry on.

we don’t fight and bicker all the time. It’s the opposite. But on occasion, when there’s something to discuss that I can’t ignore, that’s how it goes.

NiceFella

@Wombatman

Swiping tinder, Lying about stuff incl if she could go to a party with him. Not having the cop on to tell his family to feck off with the constant silly ribbing when she clearly doesn't jive with it. Deflecting it as her being too sensitive which is totally inconsiderate of the person you are dating.

How cut and dried do you want it. Bad behavior in anyone's book as far as I can see.

pgj2015

Definitely get rid of him, he is as far from the one as the man in the moon.

But the standing up for you when you are insulted, you need to stand up for yourself anytime someone does that. He could as well, there no problem with that but you have a mouth as well in fairness.

Neyite

I could literally bring up something he did last week or yesterday or an hour ago. He has no idea what I mean, he gets upset and admits it, I start to back down when he’s upset, he changes tack and gets narky in a dismissive way and makes me feel stupid for making a fuss of XY or Z. I come away feeling none the wiser only that I pointed it out. Carry on.

This is a tactic. It may be an unconscious one, but an effective one all the same. His upset gets you to back down. Then when you've backed off, he makes you feel bad about it and nothing has changed. It's not healthy communication, is it? But it works because it shuts you down every time.

Why are you so afraid of upsetting him? [armchair psych here] Did your dad get moody when you were younger in the home? What communication style did your parents have? You don't have to answer that here but have a think about it. Very often having a look backwards at the relationships that were modelled to us as children shed some light. Just like regional accents and silly stuff that only people in your house do, that single relationship tends to teach us everything we know about communication and how the relationship functions. Your partner too will have that same model so if his dad is like him with his mother, that's where he learned it.

bitofabind

A few questions to think about, OP.

1. Why don't you want to end it? What are you afraid of?
2. What's the worst that could happen if you did leave?
3. What value is this man bringing to your life? How is it better with him in it?

Life is long, hard and complicated; someone like this makes it a lot longer and a lot harder than it already will be. You will feel very alone, lonely and stuck in the long-term with someone like him. He's not a partner, he's only interested in his own needs. He won't change and you'll get more deeply entrenched as things progress and you end up married / mortgaged / parenting together.

Think about your future self. Leaving being difficult isn't excuse enough for staying, if it's at the cost of your future happiness, security and quality of life. You spent years with this person (I assume), so of course leaving will be painful. But which pain do you want to choose here - the short-term heartache of walking away from someone you love and with whom you're not compatible? Or the long-term pain of committing your whole life to someone that has shown you now that he can't, and isn't interested in, giving you what you need?

Breakups happen and they suck and they hurt. Don't let your decision be clouded by the short-term discomfort of walking away. The corridors of PI/RI are littered with people who didn't listen to their instincts about someone, set up shop with them and are stuck in miserable and often abusive marriages as a result. You have a small window here OP.

Big Bag of Chips

You're better off ending it before he does because if he's actively swiping on dating apps he's already on the lookout for another option.

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119071163#Comment_119071163

This is a tactic. It may be an unconscious one, but an effective one all the same. His upset gets you to back down. Then when you've backed off, he makes you feel bad about it and nothing has changed. It's not healthy communication, is it? But it works because it shuts you down every time.

Absolutely a tactic. I have read similar many times over on another forum I'm on. When an OP is asked why didn't they point out that x or y was wrong/ thoughtless/ hurtful/ whatever - 'oh but he would be so hurt, he was trying really hard etc.' Works perfectly.

Shuts down any hope of discussion and the 'hurt bunny' with the conveniently trembling lip sails on, not a bother on them, while the person who brought up the topic is wrong footed and reluctant to upset the poor little thing again. 🙄

olivebranch0

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119071381#Comment_119071381

I can’t even describe how shellshocked I was when I discovered it and he still explained it away rather than admitting when he was caught out and having an adult discussion.

I still can’t move past it. It’s so hurtful. But he carries on like it never happened and I feel like the crazy one.

For the posters above, we are together nearly 2 year.

Jequ0n

Of course he denied it and turned it around on you, I would have done the exact same thing. I’m sorry because it’s not what you want to hear, but your boyfriend’s behaviour is consistent.

I don’t think you are ready to take action yet because you are still trying to rationalise his behaviour. You’ll get there in time, because deep down you know that something isn’t right.

YellowLead

Are you sure you aren’t in love with the idea of a long term relationship leading to marriage, rather than in love with this specific guy?

No offence meant - but he’s treating you like a doormat and by staying you are accepting it. For most people with an ounce of self respect lying and more significantly swiping on dating apps would be serious deal breakers. He doesn’t care about you, he likes having you around to meet his every need while he hunts for somebody he thinks is better, and possibly would settle for cheating / ons while still with you until he does. Now that’s major projection there - but can you hand on heart discount that possibility?

Trust is the cornerstone of every good relationship - you should feel loved and like you can trust the other person, like they have your back. You KNOW he doesn’t have yours. Please don’t waste any more time with him just because you feel you are getting older and want a relationship so badly you are trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you think this is the best you can do?

I'd rather be single and enjoy my life on my terms, than be in a crappy relationship where I'm made to feel like I don't matter.

Do you think a bad relationship is better than no relationship? And if so, why?

olivebranch0

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119071752#Comment_119071752

That’s exactly it. I have his back, support him, I care and love him but I don’t feel he has mine and I don’t feel supported and it feels lonely at times. This is not easy. Everyone has very valid points and I’m reading all of them.

Tork

YellowLead wrote: Are you sure you aren’t in love with the idea of a long term relationship leading to marriage, rather than in love with this specific guy?

This is what I am wondering too. You're obviously struggling to let go of the future you've got in mind for yourself. A large part of it includes the man you bagged. If only he'd play ball and be the partner you'd like him to be. To be honest, I don't think you're anywhere nearly ready to end this. You should but you're not going to, are you? You've opted for a heady mix of hope, delusion and trying to come up with ways to beat him into shape. If only you could get him to behave better, you could sail into the sunset. Imperfect as your current relationship is, it's better than the alternative is. Sadly I believe the only way this is going to end is if he finds someone he likes better than you. I just hope for your sake that he's just trying to find your replacement, rather than keeping you as the safe option at home. For all we know, he's already screwing around. Have you taken an STI test recently?

olivebranch0

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119071924#Comment_119071924

It’s not easy. I’m being told one thing for the last while, believing it and then come bumps in the road to put it all into question. Tbh, I might be a bit naive. Why would someone keep you in a relationship while being dishonest? I’ve dated guys before him, most can’t keep the charade up past 2 months because why would you and I’ve also been in the position too where I haven’t been into it so would end the dates so why would someone keep something going for nearly 2 years? I suppose part of me struggles to believe someone would be so sneaky.

I accepted his excuses because I’m in love with him and also yes, the idea of being in a relationship. But I know better and my gut has been twisted since.

the recent bitchy comment from the relative has driven me over the edge and I am so hurt since and he is clueless!

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119071966#Comment_119071966

you know you need to leave. It’s time to rip the plaster off.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would someone keep you in a relationship while being dishonest? I’ve dated guys before him, most can’t keep the charade up past 2 months

He's keeping you there because you're providing what he wants at the moment, and he doesn't even have to be a decent boyfriend to get it.

He isn't keeping up any charade. He's showing you exactly who he is, and you're still hanging on. Win win for him.

SunnySundays

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058245985/i-don-t-want-to-end-it

"I don't want to end it but I don't want to hang on with someone who doesn't respect or treat me the same as I treat them".

You are aiming for mission impossible here. You have to end it if you want someone who respects you and treats you will because you will not get it from him. You can't change/improve/fix him and if that it's enough (it isn't, not nearly enough), so get rid of him and look for better. Even if you don't find someone, it's better than staying with him.

Tork

Why would someone keep you in a relationship while being dishonest?

You could turn this back on yourself and ask why do people stay in relationships with the wrong person? That's what you're doing. Yet you're done a number on yourself and convinced yourself it's somehow OK to stay with this guy.

This guy doesn't sound like he's a nice person but for some reason, he got his hooks into you. He knows you're not going to leave so he can treat you as badly as he wants. It's not what a nice person does to anybody, be it a partner, a friend, a family member, a colleague etc. I'm not sure you know what nice means anymore. People are capable of doing all sorts of less than honourable things when it suits them. You're looking at his behaviour through the lens of how you'd behave and that partly explains your questioning of it. Mostly, you're trying to convince yourself that there's nothing to see here.

Jequ0n

“the recent bitchy comment from the relative has driven me over the edge and I am so hurt since and he is clueless”

He is far from clueless, he has you sussed and knows you’ll stick around. As others mentioned there is no need for him to change because you’re just playing along. But you know that too and you don’t care either, so enjoy whatever you get out of this.

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119071779#Comment_119071779

I'd rather be single and enjoy my life on my terms, than be in a crappy relationship where I'm made to feel like I don't matter.

100% this. He is gaslighting you, cheating on you and generally treating you like dirt.

dil87

It's very simple, pack it in.

You're not happy and it's bringing you down, sounds like you have reason to be too if he is 'swipping' online then that says it all. I don't know how old you are but life's short so don't waste it on a relationship because it's familiar or you fear the change of splitting up. The longer you leave it the more time you waste from finding someone you desvere and being happy. Being happy alone is beter than miserable in a relationship.

Honestly it's not that deep, it's just one person out of millions you will come across over your life span, don't waste your time.

Xidu

Holy sh*t. Run OP Run!

don’t know why you love him but a man don’t stand up for me is a big NOOOO.

Also lie about no plus one? Fxxk that.

you will suffer more if you marry him.

run away run faster.

olivebranch0

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this evening. I realised I’ve become a shadow of myself for the last few months. I was quietly confident and a calm individual with hobbies and happy in my career. 

Now, I have low confidence and started over eating and been inconsistent with my hobbies. I spend my free time with him because that’s our routine. He has criticised my career and I went through a period of hating my job as a result and trying to change things which didn’t work. I’ve felt so lost. I feel anxious about my bio clock too. I’m not saying I want babies right now but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about that as I want it down the road. All my friends are in LTRs, getting houses and getting married.I feel somewhat normal finally in a relationship. All things I want. I’m just struggling to face this as I don’t want to make a mistake if I’m honest as he often tells me he wants to be with me in the long term but right now, it doesn’t feel like that.

olivebranch0

Don’t mean to rant. Sorry.

Im so grateful for the replies and advice. Hard home truths.

nihicib2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119072515#Comment_119072515

I never comment on these threads but I have to here, I was you, way back when the term gaslighting wasn't even a thing but that's what was happening, time and time again. All the lies and don't be so stupid and how, when confronted, would get angry as if he could never be that person. Well he was and he did end up cheating and when caught got angry again. So I believed him...

He criticises your job and you changed it 'as a result', you feel so lost...

And I stayed, why? Because like you, my confidence was so broken that I thought I wasn't good enough for anyone else, because he had made me feel that way. Just like what is happening to you. You say you spend all your free time with him and are inconsistent with your hobbies, you've become alienated from those outside of your relationship that could offer support and help and more importantly a different perspective.

I eventually left, and it took a whole lot of courage, cos I was so convinced (by him) that all this was in my head. It's not, trust your gut. That's why your'e here asking this question.

I got out, eventually and as others have commented here, he swore to change and offered the moon and stars, but sure that was a well played tune. It was hard but I eventually got my confidence back and never looked back, I can instantly recognise women, and men in similar situations to ours when I people watch.

One of my childhood friends who had moved away with her partner was back about 15 years ago for a family thing, I saw it in her. I asked her how she was, oh grand the usual small talk, I asked her if she was happy with * like really happy with him outside of the normal life bullshit, she didn't answer, she had that 'shadow of herself' look you mentioned. I told her to honestly answer that question to herself when she went home. She left him the following week.

My biggest advice to you is read back on all your posts and imagine it were a friend reading them to you about someone else, what would your advice to them be. I doubt it would be to stay with him. You're better than this and deserve better, leave, leave, leave, you will never regret it x

tenten21

Hi OP, I have to say I can really empathise. I was in a relationship not so long ago with an intrinsically selfish and dishonest man who also lied to me and gaslighted me in a similar way. He wasn't on dating apps as far as I know but lied about his past relationships, when he got home from a night out and who he was with etc and I've also had a similar +1 issue.

Any time I brought up relationship issues or something I was unhappy about he twisted things around so I would end up feeling guilty for even bringing up the issue. It was either deflect, attack or storm off in a rage and go silent for a few days where I often found myself running after him just because I wanted a resolution and for things to go back to the good times. I am probably a similar age to you but have children of my own so don't have the issue of the ticking clock (was just hoping for a father figure) but from what I gather it is highly likely that the man you're with is similar to my ex; the confirmed bachelor type who is terrified of commitment, is extremely selfish and will take what he can get in every aspect of life and give as little as he can to get away with continuing with his selfish lifestyle and having you there to fall back on. These men end up as lonely creatures and for as long as they live will always use the same defence mechanisms to justify their behaviour and have zero realisation of the hurt they caused. You're fighting a losing battle unfortunately and I hope it doesn't take you another year or more (like it did for me) and more wasted time on an undeserving man for you to realise that you're worth so much more than what he's giving you. His behaviour will never change I'm afraid and hopefully you'll realise that sooner rather than later and I hope you'll regain your sense of self worth. Sometimes these experiences can bring us great clarity and hopefully you will be able to see the red flags when you finally leave him, which you will and hopefully sooner rather than later and find peace again like I have. Best of luck.

Xidu

Just reading back all the posts but I feel like OP is quite easy to be influenced by him? And it’s like negative more than positive.

some people can be very independent and not influenced by the other one that easy. They know what they want and they make rules for themselves.

some people can be so badly influenced like OP. Yet at the same time not having guts to end the relationship.

like if anyone make fun of me or bitchy comment about me in front of my face, and made me uncomfortable, I would go back directly to that person. Make sure that person knows I don’t like it and stop. I wouldn’t bear with it and expect boyfriend to fight back. The first time he might not even realize it is a problem as he might grow up in that kind of family atmosphere people just mock each other.

but If you talked to him about it, and if the comments is truely to make u feel bad. Then you are right to expect him stood up for you. Sometimes people make mere jokes without realizing it might be hurtful.or is it you are overthinking?