Why don't Irish people befriend foreigners?

dickdasr1234

I am Irish, born and bred, and I don't have a close friend. My mother didn't either and my dad, very much like me, had lots of acquaintances but bemoaned the lack of a real friend.

There were plenty of people who probably would have called me a close friend but, personally, I find people (including me) are just too odd!

Kaybaykwah

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977160#Comment_118977160

Yes, and picking our noses in public isolates us.

dickdasr1234

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977205#Comment_118977205

Not as much as swallowing!

Hamachi

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977149#Comment_118977149

The notion that people in Southern Europe are more open and friendlier is a fallacy. Sure, they are often louder and more garrulous, but the key point is amongst each other. Italians and Spanish aren’t particularly open to foreigners either.

In fact, they are significantly more racist than Northern Europeans; try spending time in Madrid if you don’t speak Spanish. You’ll find that some of your encounters will be fractious, to say the least. The Portuguese are actually quite a reserved people, but generally very humble and genuine. They seem more ‘northern’ in demeanor, than anything else.

The fact is, people don’t give up friendship easily anywhere. It has to be earned through shared connections and sincerity. The super friendly people you meet in developing nations are that way, because they want something from you. That’s not the case in Europe, so it always takes time to build connections with locals.

bertiebomber

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118976921#Comment_118976921

Thank you its a first on boards for me as mostly no one sees my logic.

bertiebomber

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977111#Comment_118977111

I actually went to a very good boarding school which i loved, so no not an industrial school though i do remember my mother threaten ing to send me to Letterfrack if i didnt behave. It never meant anything until later years when i realized what it was.

I know that song , not a particular favourite i have to say , prefer Carrickfergus it has a lovely lilting melody and the words are so sad. I also loved recitations which are now a thing of the past, particularly The ballad of the tinkers daughter by Sigerson Clifford all part of our rich past.

bertiebomber

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977160#Comment_118977160

you are actually normal most irish people keep a tight circle and feel comfortable with that but the new liberals want us all hugging each other in the streets despite the machetes & base ball bats!

FeelingZesty

Hi OP,

I am glad that you like it here and have a fondness for the tin whistle. To answer your question I think it could be cultural differences, a person’s personality (intro/extrovert) and if they want a social circle. Also, do they feel like you want a friendship or to just know them to say ‘hello’ to.

In my experience (as an Irish woman) non-Irish people either return to their home countries (and don’t keep contact) or others just use you (for information/help) and then ignore you. It could be my bad judgement in people too, as I don’t have much luck with Irish people either. Basically, treat people how they treat you. I wish you could have witnessed 90s Ireland, where no one had much of anything and you could knock on a neighbours door for some sugar until you got to the shop.

Edit: Just to add maybe online gaming might be a way to meet people.

Pauliedragon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118970990#Comment_118970990

Us Irish men used to proud of beating our wives not too long. I can think of 5 or 6 instances in my area over last 6 months alone. Up until the early nineties you could rape you wife and she could do nothing about it. Us Irish are no angel. I lived abroad for 20 years and got fed up with the Irish stereotypes.

iniscealtra

I honestly think it’s the same in any country. My OH’s brother lives in Australia and all his friends are immigrants from various

I have spent Christmas with family, extended family, neighbours and have not seen friends yet. Many Irish people have large extended families. - aunts /uncles / cousins. It takes time to maintain those connections.

All of my friends are Irish now apart from a French friend who lives in France. I worked with my French friend in my early twenties and she moved home with an Irish OH. We kept the connection because they visit family here and I visit them occasionally,

All of my other friends are Irish. I live in my OH’s area but luckily went to university in the nearest city so I know people from college who live here which is great. Other friends are through my OH mostly. a cousin, a sibling, a couple we know, a friend we met at a festival, and someone from work. I am also active in a couple of local clubs and I meet people that way.

I did have French friends but they gravitated towards the city and put their kid in school there, so the friendship dissipated as their focus moved away from the area. They have since moved away and we didn’t keep contact.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977800#Comment_118977800

It is not about being Irish, it's about being normal! And nobody wants you to hug anyone, but you are expected to behave appropriately to every other member of society. And being factual and not publishing ridicules comments would definitely help your credibility.

Most people have room in their lives for five to seven close contacts and once those slots fill up, they make very little effort to make room for any others. But in Ireland, unlike most other countries, we have this artificial friendlessness that some mistake for actually friendship. That is why you hear Irish people complaining about how cold other nations.

And this five to seven contacts applies to pretty much everyone. Any Irish person might have their quota filled by the time they are 20 or foreigner might have it filled within a year and have it full of expats. It's just how we are.

Grey123

Probably well covered. It's not the people but our environment (mostly).

Relatively small country and people tend to move around a lot less so people make school or college friends and keep them. Even if they move to a different city (usually Dublin) they will have friends there from "home" or can head home regularly. There is no nessessity.

When living in Dublin I found it frustrating at times that the aquantances I did have there would head home regularly on weekends and always long weekends. That's the time to turn aquantances into friends. If Ireland was larger going home for the weekend wouldn't be possible for most.

I lived abroad for years and made loads of friends from that country. However many of them didn't grow up or go to school in the city we lived in. This ment that they didn't have family priorities at the weekend or school friends around (maybe a couple who also moved there). So we spend lots of long weekend, Easter and even Christmas together some years. I suspect it would be rare for Irish friends to spend Christmas Day together in Ireland.

As others have said, the suburb living also has a factor, this is even more prominent outside of Dublin where most drive. An after work drink doesn't happen after a busy day etc.

Hamachi

Would be interesting if the OP returned to the thread to confirm if they managed to establish more fruitful connections with Irish people or continues to socialize primarily with other immigrants, assuming s/he is still in Ireland.

ardatr

Hello all,

I hope all is well with you.

A lot has changed since I started this topic... Even though it doesn't seem like a long time has passed, I can say that my entire perspective on "friendship" and its definition has changed. At this point, I have neither the time nor the motivation to devote to a "long-term" friendship. I had and still have many Irish and other friends. However, none of them are at the depth that I would call a BFF or a long-term friendship. 

I agree with what is written on the subject: Once a certain circle of friends is formed, there is nothing more natural than not needing a new one. On the other hand, if I had to observe the situation specifically in Ireland - which may contain errors in every aspect, it is completely personal - I really love the Irish sense of humour. I can say that I observed their sarcastic tone and positive attitudes that softened and mocked people, even on serious issues.

But first of all, there is a language/accent barrier. Sometimes it can be difficult to follow a casual conversation. And constantly saying "pardon" or "sorry" and waiting for an explanation can be tiring for both parties, and a necessary "connection" cannot be established because it does not fit the flowing style of daily conversation. Which I understood better with the last date I went out with. 

Unfortunately, communication created a major barrier on a date with an Irish man who I felt really high energy with. Both my English and his accent, and my inability to understand him many times, really brought down the high energy. (I take full responsibility here, I continue to do my best about Irish-English) 

In short, it becomes very difficult to establish a deep friendship after a certain age due to the hustle and bustle of life, financial concerns, love life, work and many other reasons that I cannot think of. However, just as you said, it is of course possible to have pleasant conversations with common interests and meet-ups! 

Thanks again!