Fella didn't walk me home

fevertrees

I can't tell if he's just very "modern" or a bit...reckless? I'm 22, he's 24.

He seems quite keen. Tonight was our first proper date, having met on a night out last weekend and exchanging numbers. He was holding my hand guiding me out of places, holding doors etc. Sweet stuff. Paid for the first 2 rounds (I the next 2) and bought me my takeaway. Good stuff. We had a sneaky peck on the way to the takeaway.

He asked how I was getting home. I said taxi, hoping he'd offer to walk me, which is what every other man has done in the past. He said "well I could walk you as far as the pitch". Thing is, it was midnight. The pitch was only 5 minutes away. He knows I live another 10/15 minutes further than that. I said "so you can't walk me home but you'll walk me part of the way?". He said he didn't mind, it was OK and he would walk me home. But he very clearly didn't want to. I felt silly. He walked me to an ATM so I could get cash out for the taxi. The ramp was across the road from the pub. He said he had a great time and to text when I get home? And walked in? Wouldn't even walk me to the ramp? Then texted me a few minutes later to say thanks for a good night and he would love to meet again soon??

I can't tell if I'm just precious. It is 2022. But idk. I'm used to a certain degree of chivalry. He's the first lad to NOT walk me home. Do I need to get out of my own hole? I'm not living in a Regency era Netflix drama.

wotzgoingon

What's a sneaky peek?

fevertrees

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872740#Comment_118872740

*peck haha.

Little kiss

Moragle

Perhaps he didn't offer to walk you home in case you thought he was trying to go back to your place. If you wanted him to walk you home why didn't you just ask him to walk you home instead of saying you were getting a taxi. And when he said he would walk you to the football pitch instead of saying "so you aren't going to walk me home" you could have just asked him to walk you home. Then you were annoyed that he said he would walk you home because he wasn't enthusiastic enough.

I don't think he's in the wrong here in anyway, he sounds like a lovely fella and I'm sure you're lovely too. But in the nicest possible way I think you are coming across as quite high maintenance. If he then walked you to the ATM, you got into the taxi beside the pub which is where I assume is where he "walked in" to, and asked you to text him when you got in AND texted saying he'd love to see you again, you really couldn't ask for more. And Honestly, based on your description of events I think a lot of fellas would have wrote you off as hard work after all that.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Nah, I think you've a right to be a bit miffed.

I know people in every situation from platonic to full-on-kinky swinger, modern liberal-thinking to prude: and pretty much all of them would have walked you back home, or at least as far as you were comfortable with. And almost all without a hint of expectation other than a smile and hug, if even that.

That said, if he's worth it, gently tell him there were better ways he could have handled it - does he deserve a second date? Probably.

Is it the rock you want to bulid your church on? Doesn't sound like it.

Augme

Does he live near to you? There's no way in hell I'd be walking someone home that's 20 minutes in the opposite direction of where I lived for example.

And if someone was of the opinion that it was to be expected of me to do that I'd run a mile.

NSAman

Why didn’t you walk him home?

marilynrr

I do think it's a bit unusual personally.

I know generalisations are frowned upon on here (or are they banned 😂) but among all men, the good, the bad and the in-between, young and old, I've always thought it was universal male behaviour to offer to walk a woman home after a date if they like her and want to see her again.

These days if I was dating I wouldn't let someone walk me home after a first date as I am cautious about giving out my address anyway but I would find it strange if he didn't offer (or said I'll walk with you for a little bit 😅)

Did he have plans for after your date maybe? going to a party?

I find it even more odd that when you said you were getting a taxi home he offered to walk you 5 minutes of the way. Women generally get taxis home so that they feel safe, it's not because they don't want to walk because they're lazy or find it boring to walk on their own...so offering to walk you 5 minutes of the way meaning you'd have to walk a further 10/15 minutes by yourself in the dark is odd because you had already planned a safe way home. Surely he can't have missed all of the media and social media commentary on how unsafe women feel while walking on their own.

Ficheall

Presumably there were two ways for you to get home - (assuming you weren't planning to drive since you'd been drinking, and arranging a lift was pretty unlikely) - taxi or walking, and you picked the one where he couldn't really accompany you. Just be honest next time.

I've walked hours out of my way on dates, and enjoy doing so, but I wouldn't walk someone home if they didn't want me to - or said they didn't want me to, at least. Especially on a first date, when someone might not feel fully comfortable around you yet. Perhaps, as the poster above suggested, he's aware of all the social media and didn't want to make you uncomfortable by foisting his company on you for 15 minutes in the dark where there's no one else around. Remember - men aren't mind-readers, and can only take you at your word.

tony1kenobi

Ye women get yourself into such a tizzy.

The lad clearly needed a poo. He knew it could wait ten minutes. But it couldn’t wait 30.

Why didn’t you just ask him if he needed the facilities? Do that next time and be more thoughtful of others.

You said you were getting a taxi but you expected him to walk you home?

What is he a mind reader? Don't say something if you don't mean it.

Jequ0n

”He asked how I was getting home. I said taxi, hoping he'd offer to walk me, which is what every other man has done in the past.”

And that’s when you messed up the date by trying to play games. He accepted your wish to take a taxi and received unnecessary drama in return.

893bet

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873144#Comment_118873144

This.

If I could get to your man now I would tell him run, run fast as you are already playing some pointless games.

Next up is

“my boyfriend asked if it was ok to go out to watch the match with his friends, I said it was but was hoping he would chose to stay in with me and watch strictly come dancing, but he didn’t, what’s wrong with him”?

you are young, but still an adult and it’s a childish way you are thinking. I mean that as very honest and genuine advice.

jacool

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872804#Comment_118872804

What direction would you run that mile?

Snugbugrug28

I think you guys just weren't on the same wavelength at the time. Given he did everything else right he must have thought what he was doing at the time was right. Probably wanted to make sure you didn't think he was trying to get you in the sack before time or something.

I don't think you're too precious, you just both thought something different about the significance of the walk home.

Ficheall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873218#Comment_118873218

"you just both thought something different"

I wonder what could possibly have caused that.

Dial Hard

I have literally never been walked home from a date in my life, and I've been on a *lot* of dates. Is this a thing now?

Anyway, I agree with everyone else, if you wanted him to walk you home, you should have said so. But I can also see why he might have thought he was being "chivalrous" (I hate that word, and the concept) by not offering - plenty of women wouldn't necessarily want a man to know where they live on a first date.

YellowLead

Was he meeting friends after? It pretty much would have been a 40 minute round trip for him there and back including saying goodnight, and you said you were getting a taxi so he probably didn’t see it as a big deal at all.

As others have said, a lot of women wouldn’t be comfortable with a guy knowing where they live on a first date or worrying if he is going to ask to come in for sex etc so distancing himself from being at your house could have been him actually trying to be gentlemanly.

If everything else was great ignore this and don’t miss out on something that could be fun over a miss understanding.

Mundo7976

Let us know how the next date goes!

Buddy Bubs

I'd offer to walk a lady home every time if it was 15/20 mins and she seemed to want to walk. If she said she wanted a taxi I'd take that at face value and walk her to taxi. After that you're only messing and guessing.

DebDynamite

You said he asked how were you getting home, you said a taxi. He then walked you for 5 mins of the journey. Sounded like when you said you were getting a taxi, he didn’t want to say goodbye at that stage so kept walking with you another 5 mins to spend more time with you.

You said you wanted to get a taxi. Maybe he was concerned you were cold, or your feet were sore in your heels (if wearing any!), or didn’t want to feel he was imposing himself on you for safety reasons... It sounds like to me he listened to you about anything to take a taxi, but still wanted to squeeze another 5 mins out of the date to spend with you.

Tork

If you wanted this guy to walk you home, why did tell him you wanted to get a taxi? He isn't a mind reader and you still hardly know each other. With the times that we're living in, he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

Also, we hear about how dangerous it is for women to walk on their own at night. What about guys? Once he'd walked you home, he'd have had to turn around and walk through sub-zero temperatures to his own place. You didn't say where you lived but maybe it's not the safest of areas for somebody to be walking alone at night?

This guy sounds lovely, so why are you self-sabotaging this?

AyeGer

How far was his journey? Apart from the fact you said you’d get a taxi which is a perfectly believable thing to do btw, why would he not take you at your word when you said that. On the other hand if he had a 20 min walk himself and then went 20 mins in the opposite direction that would be an hours walks for him when the simple solution was for you to get the taxi you already said you were getting.

Lesson maybe is to speak your mind more and let people know what you want.

storker

I think a lot of women don't realise that guys tend not to parse anything women say beyond its literal meaning. They don't look for hidden meanings because most men think that if you say "X" then you mean "X" and not "W" or "Y".

I'd say there's a good chance the OP's date was actually disappointed because he was hoping for a chance to walk her home.

I'll just leave this here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezVib_giTFo&ab_channel=CentralFilms

Liberty_Bear

Men are not mind readers unfortnately (despite as much we might proclaim to be!). You said you were getting a taxi home thus he was being straight up. I dont think you have any right to be miffed at all if you ask me! And he was being a gent in thinking that if he did walk you home, would he have thought maybe that you were thinking he was looking for something more than a walk home? Thats how I would have read it if I was the chap. Either way I hope it goes well!

wotzgoingon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873187#Comment_118873187

The opposite direction from the woman. That's if she is a mong if good looking well that's another story.

I think you gave him a bit of a mixed message and put him on a bit of an awkward spot, if I'm honest. Sounds like the poor guy didn't know what you wanted.

Don't give mixed messages. It's headwrecking and leads to overthinking (like you're doing now!)

When he asked how you were getting home, you could have said "I can get a taxi, or maybe you'd like to walk me home?

Keep in mind that maybe he was hesitant on walking back alone at night - lads walking alone get beaten up regularly. Is it a safe area? (not than anywhere is 100% safe these days).

It may be chivalrous to walk you safely to your door, but he is entitled to consider his own safety as well. The recent threads on violence against women also brought up alarming statistics on random attacks against men.

He sounds like a nice guy, I hope the next date goes as well. Relax a bit, and have fun instead of sweating the details.

(Now my advice as a Mammy - always carry enough cash on you for your taxi fare home.)

Leg End Reject

Why all the detail about who bought what?

I don't understand why you're annoyed he didn't offer to walk you home when you said you were getting a taxi when asked. It's also a bit much to expect someone to walk you home when it's a 20 minute walk there and another 20 back. Where is the logic in that? Are you miffed you had to go to an ATM for the taxi fare?

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873144#Comment_118873144

She hoped he'd walk her home but if she said "taxi" and he said "perfect" and then they left it at that then she probably wouldn't have made a thread over it.

He made the situation weird IMO by offering to walk her part of the way.

I wouldn't allow a man to pay for me on the date but I feel like it's a bit like someone saying "I'll pay for your dinner but not anything that costs more than a tenner".

Not offering at all and accepting I was happy to split the bill with no fuss would be absolutely fine, but some kind of half offer definitely would make a lot of people start to analyse what was said!

Analysing dates is all part of the process anyway, he could be at home cringing thinking why did I only offer to walk her for 5 minutes? 😳🙈

Diemos

Christ on a bike, I feel for young fella's today.

Ginger83

Maybe he had another date after yours

Ficheall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118874309#Comment_118874309

I would imagine he offered to walk her for 5 minutes because she said she didn't him to walk her for 20. She made the situation weird (after what sounds like a perfectly nice date) by asking for the opposite of what she wanted, and then starting a thread on boards complaining she got what she asked for.

To use your dinner analogy again - if you were asked if you wanted Chinese or Indian, and you wanted Chinese but said Indian, so you went for Indian, would you then come on here complaining that you'd not gotten Chinese?

marilynrr

@Ficheall

That's not how she said the conversation went.

He asked how she was getting home, she said taxi and he said ""well I could walk you as far as the pitch".

SteM

He asked how I was getting home. I said taxi, hoping he'd offer to walk me, which is what every other man has done in the past.

Why didn't you just ask him to walk you home or say you didn't know when he asked you? You told him taxi so he took you at your word. If you want something then tell the person, don't say one thing and complain when there's a different outcome. That's just unfair.

Ficheall

Yes, it sounded like at that point he wanted to spend more time with her. I don't know where the OP is based, granted, but in this neck of the woods you can call a taxi pretty much anywhere. She then says he did agree to walk her home (after he may have sussed that she wanted the opposite of what she was asking for) and he agreed, but somehow she has decided "he very clearly didn't want to". I'm afraid I have less confidence in the OP's ability to read his mind than she had in him to read hers.

If this pointless messing/dishonesty looked set to become the norm for the relationship, I'd be gently advising the young fella to look elsewhere, for his sanity's sake.

bucketybuck

I've been there, I had a first date and didn't walk the girl home, later on she told me she had been really surprised by it.

Why didn't I walk her home? For the same reason lots of girls prefer to meet for a first date in a public place, I was respecting the fact that she didn't really know me and may not want somewhat of a stranger to know where she lives. I was respecting her boundaries, if there was going to be a second date then we could be more sure about what each other wanted, until then its better to err on the side of caution.

This lad sounds perfectly normal, you said you were getting a taxi and he didn't pressure you to let him bring you home, isn't that what the Metoo crowd wanted? If you wanted him to walk you home then just say that, god help the lad if he has to navigate silly games like this.

marilynrr

I don't think it's games.

She said she said taxi *hoping* he'd walk her home.

People often hope for stuff on dates, hope for a kiss, hope to be walked home, hope that the other person shows them a sign they'd love to see them again. Most people don't say things like that straight out, and that's just normal early dating behaviour, not games.

Now if this was a relationship or a good few dates down the line and she was saying one thing while hoping he'd read her mind that's different, but this was their first proper date!

I really think if she said taxi and he said "cool" and walked her over to the ramp then she would not be on here now with this thread, it's just they had a weird interaction afterwards which sounded like it got awkward!

Thelonious Monk

been on a silly amount of dates and I've never walked anyone home

Ficheall

And by that token, if a girl were hoping for a kiss and told a guy she didn't want one, should he go in for one anyway? Or would that be deemed massively inappropriate? "No" means "no", remember. This dishonest nonsense makes dating more difficult for everyone, and should be discouraged.

wotzgoingon

Reminds me of the time I was in Dublin after meeting a girl. I live in Cork and I'm still shocked she didn't offer to walk me home. I had visions in my head of the two of us on an adventure together walking along and stopping at different places. Sadly that wasn't the case. I told her my oul lad was a diamond expert and we were loaded and that I was told to live like a normal person for two years but I will inherit billions in two years.

Katgurl

Hi OP,

I'd have a question mark over this too.

On one hand, maybe he didn't think you were worth the forty minute round trip, he wanted to get back to the bar, he needed another drink, some other girl caught his eye etc.

On the other, he could have not wanted to make you uncomfortable, he may have been really nervous about how to say goodbye, he very reasonably may not have wanted to walk back through the football pitch alone.

I would veer on the latter explanation as everything about the date was good and he messaged you afterwards. Also, manners are nice but they are not a replacement for character. I had an ex who charmed everyone I introduced him to while beating me black and blue behind closed doors.

Give him a chance, get to know him before forming any firm opinions. It's tempting to try to figure a person out early. We look for red flags early to protect ourselves or not waste time with the wrong person. But if you relax and take your time getting to know him, all will be revealed.

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873358#Comment_118873358

40 minutes? Pretty sure she was looking for more than a walk home.

Big Bag of Chips

If you wanted him to walk you home, why didn't you say "walking" when he asked how you were getting home?

If I wanted to get a taxi home, and someone insisted that I walk instead I'd be a bit annoyed.

He's not a mindreader. Next time you want something particular, say it.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118874732#Comment_118874732

Obviously it's massively inappropriate. Obviously no means no.

You're using analogies that don't make sense to the topic by talking about breaching consent.

It would be more like hoping for a kiss and getting a hug and a pat on the back instead, then you're left wondering hmm this person must not be that into me!

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118872740#Comment_118872740

Duh. She obviously wanted him to get his lad out for a few seconds so she could have a look to see whether it was worth her while putting in any effort

More seriously OP, maybe he didn't want to walk home with you as he's a bit awkward or something or didn't want to give you the impression that he was only walking you home expecting you to invite him in?

wotzgoingon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118875323#Comment_118875323

There are lots of reasons why he didn't walk her home. And she also told him she was getting a taxi.

You don't want to be that guy she asked me to walk her home got to the door and she fúcked off inside and left me outside. I was full sure she was going to bring me inside and get it on.

bottlebrush

OP- You mentioned at the top of your post that he seemed 'quite keen' followed by the details of who paid for what etc. It was all going according to plan up until the taxi bit. Is the question you are really asking us here is do we think he might not be that in to you because he didn't walk you home?

Ficheall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118875305#Comment_118875305

You brought kissing into it: "People often hope for stuff on dates, hope for a kiss... Most people don't say things like that straight out,"

Of course, in this instance, she didn't just not say she wanted something, she said she didn't want it. So I was just wondering if, as per your example aligning the two, you'd apply the same unnecessarily difficult approach, i.e., pretending you didn't want something when you did, and then complaining when you didn't get it.

SunnySundays

What happened to all the men who walked you home in the past? None of them lasted!!

Also you told him you were getting a taxi. He believed you. He's not a mind reader.

If the date hadn't gone well, you would have had to get a taxi anyway.

I know your young but being honest I think you are ridiculous.

marilynrr

@Ficheall

I only brought kissing into it as I was talking about how people hope for things, and listed a few things as examples...to show that it's normal on dates and not game playing behaviour to hope for something but not ask for it straight out!!

She said she didn't want him to walk her home, as she thought he only offered to walk her home reluctantly....as first he offered to walk her part way and she said that after she questioned that he said he would but that he "clearly didn't want to". I wasn't there, you weren't there..so I'm going by the OPs version of events!

If you want or hope that someone wants to do something for you or with you........and then they offer (but only reluctantly) then that is not what the person initially wanted.

Surely you can see the difference.

A lot of women want a man to do chivalrous stuff, no women want a man to reluctantly do it while making it obvious they'd rather not. Surely you can see the difference. It's not the action, it's the intent behind it!

It's like with absolutely anything, if you ask for a favour or gesture, say a lift for example you hear "yea no problem at all" or "of course, i'd love to"....you don't want to hear "fine, I suppose 🙄"

You still get the lift but then it's awkward as ****!

KieferFan69

Always so many vultures in these threads waiting to cut a young lady down.

op what I think is he maybe is either a) a little gormless or b) he didn’t want you to think he expected sex or C) he wishes not to currently perform

I think all of these are okay and you can pursue a little longer and see what happens