Spousal abuse

AckwelFoley

One may notice the adverts for spousal abuse on the TV lately. Great campaign, it's a serious problem.

The significant proportion is woman being abused and often goes unchecked.

However I have noticed the ads do mention men that are the victims of abuse. Often its not physical but equally as traumatic.

Do you think this gets under reported because of the potential stigma that the victims might feel?

Princess Calla

I'd imagine it's under reported for both genders as it's very hard to prove.

Physical abuse you have the bruises, broken bones etc to show it actually happened.

Mental abuse can be done in such a way that you are left questioning if it actually happened, did they mean it, did you pick it up wrong etc until you begin to question your own sanity. Then of course it's very much their word against yours.

KieferFan69

Is this when ppl abuse their brothers and sisters? Is that really a thing?

Esel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118403961#Comment_118403961

Do you know what spousal means?... relating to a spouse.

Jequ0n

Are statistics really that relevant?

At the end of the day it’s down to every person to decide where their boundaries are, and if they are unwilling to acknowledge when they are unhappy with their lives then it is up to them too.

You can’t help people who are unwilling to be helped, campaign or not.

padjocollins

I think this is a smoking gun . We all know about women being physically as well as mentally abused. Mental abuse from either or both sides in spousal or any other type of relationship is something that really needs more awareness and more avenues of support given to people who need a place to go to and talk and begin to look for help

I grew up in a household where there was constant verbal abuse from one side to the other and the other took it for peace. I don’t know how badly it affected me and especially older siblings , it mellowed as the years went by and my parents had a bit more money . There were some mitigating factors shall we say and i can see that parent left alive deeply regrets it . Most of my siblings are in happy relationships . One sister is married to a good man but she’s not in a good place was never very stable and is a bit toxic , she got a lot of verbal and slapping abuse as a child especially when behind on schoolwork. I’ve cut off contract with her years ago despite her attempts to keep some contact up (never any respect for boundaries) but i can see that therapy , with a good therapist would benefit her greatly and she makes her own life and those around her difficult , so i wish her well . As for me , i’m in the same pattern as my parents, money isn’t a mitigating factor here . fights break out over trivial things , 2 kids and they fight with their mother fairly often and it just escalates and blows out of all proportion and is very very loud . I try not to get into arguments cause i know it’s very unlikely to be productive and i’ll get sucked down a vindictive rabbit hole. But we do fight and it’s been very little interaction between us the last few years and mostly about the kids schooling and events like sports

i’ve been threathened to never get to see the kids again (i knew this was not a realistic threath but it was 20 or so years ago for unmarried fathers in germany) , threathend to be informed on when i wasn’t completly honest with my taxes and stupidly told her (10 year rule has passed on this long go , i’m straight and narrow now) and countless other things like saying my family members think this of you and her family members. All red flags but they only started coming out after we had 2 kids who i desperately want to have healthy relationships when they grow up . Same for my daughter who told her some personal problems she was having and she threw them in her face during a fight . The daughter is having a difficult time forgiving her and trusting her , which i understrand . There is no real reassurance coming back , just seems to want the heat off her.

I bought the apartment and put her 50% on the deeds, she never told any of her family this , i found this out recently, they assumed she paid or is paying 50% . Ashamedly i’ve thrown her out of the apartment several times and this is the second time she went to the cops and got a restraining order , the first time for 4 days and this time 2 weeks and had planned to apply for indefinate until our living and apartment and living situation was resolved . She was genuinely frightened and i am remorseful for that . I was desperate for a solution and wanted her to move out and out first and last mediation , her offer was that i can basically f off 200km away , where i used to be before , she’ll take care of the kids, don’t have to pay anything and we’ll see about the apartment when the kids are out of the apartment . i didn’t take this too well in the folowing couple of weeks and I regret this as our next appointment is for the 7th of Jan after which it’s planned that i’ll be back in the apartment again and working from the 10th

got a letter from her solicitor on the 23rd or 24th but found it on the 25th . My oldest child helped me translate the letter and found me a solicitor who’s daughter used to be in her class. She translate an opening emai i sent to him from english to german. These are things a 14yr old shouldn’t be doing to help a parent but she would do it for her mother if she needed it .

I will go to agression/voilence theraphy. My ex/partner will go to theraphy in the hope she can see some patterns that need to be changed. There is hope but i’m realistic . I’ll post a link or two as to what i think might be going on . I know this is all from my point of view and her story would be very different and show her as a victim . I should have done this years ago but i felt helpless and stuck in the mud. kids were too small and i knew it would be very adverserial and i didn’t want laywers ratcheting things up and sucking my money away. the lawyer i have is very discreet. Social services are meeting with the kids next week online and i’ll keep this a regular thing , to keep us parents in line and focused . We’ll keep negeotiating a split and if things don’t move along after a reasonable amount of time , i think my lawyer would discreetly suggest some input and suggestions from his side .

Not looking for sympathy (not would i have gotten it), not playing the victim , see my role and how i added some flames to the fire. Please don’t flame me too hard. I beat myself up enough and don’t need it more . I’m filled with regret, shame but also some hope. i’m finally getting things moved on . I’ve great kids who seem to be well adjusted (litmus test for me will be in stable healthy and intimate relationships, ending things on signs of red flags) despite what they’ve had to endure. u

anyone reading this , male or female . please go and talk to people , friends , professionals and get help . Hopefully practical steps will be in other posts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4yraZiJ9D8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjIhNFyPQEc

ps i am deeply regretful of my voilence and threaths of it (implicit through body language) over the years. I should have found an out before it got to it and i should have walked out the door and went for a long walk if i thought this verbal fight would likely escalate . Please God my kids aren’t too damaged and the cycle will be broken and my ex will have her peace and i will have mine . Mediation will take place again next fri .

Jequ0n

@padjocollins

If you can get your children to see a therapist too. There will be damage done already but they will benefit if you get them access to help early.

DeanAustin

I had it with my ex wife. Wasn't major in terms of physical harm and I never hit back because I was brought up never to hit a woman. She slapped me a number of times, usually when she was pissed. The damage it does to a relationship is real.

Thing is, people dismiss it. Neighbours, friends, even my solicitor knew about it (some saw it happen) and they all treated it like it doesn't matter. Men getting hit isn't viewed the same as the other way around because, generally, a man can do a lot more physical damage. However, that completely ignores how morally wrong it is to hit a spouse and how much emotional damage it can do.

People's attitudes to it, if it's the woman hitting the man, in my experience are pretty disgusting.

Freddie Mcinerney

When you get comments like '33% of people attacked are women' where do you go?

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118404486#Comment_118404486

A lot of people don't like hearing about abuse and bullying full stop , victim blaming is very real and always has been

In workplace situations, management often tend to try and silence- squeeze out the victim more than the perpetrator, it's easier to get tough with someone already weakened, cowardice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058225409/spousal-abuse

I saw the campaign, I think its a good one.

To answer your question I think spousal abuse is under reported by men, because when men are the victims they aren't taken seriously, or not believed.

As far as I am aware, there are still no shelters for male victims of domestic violence in Ireland, though I am open to correction on that. I've heard men say they have stayed in abusive situations to act as a buffer between their children and the abusive spouse, knowing if they left, that the mothers would most likely still have day to day care and control of any children.

I think it is under reported by women, as they often feel trapped, or are financially dependant on or controlled by their spouse, and feel they have no where to go, and don't know how to break free.

spurious

I'm not sure it is true that men reporting abuse are not taken seriously, though perhaps men think they will not be. It's all part of the effect of abuse I think.

Well over twenty years ago I had a friend who went to Clontarf Garda station about his situation. They could not have been more helpful and sympathetic.

While there was (and I think you are right, still is) no shelter to go to, they made sure he had somewhere safe to go and two of them accompanied him back to where he was living so that he could take things he needed.

griffin100

https://www.rte.ie/news/2022/0102/1269512-mens-aid/

Interesting quote from Men’s Aid that no woman has ever been referred to prison for domestic violence. That in itself might suggest that when the abuser is a woman that the courts view it less seriously.

DeanAustin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118404679#Comment_118404679

This is true especially in a workplace. Companies pay lip service to this stuff but seldom do anything.

The BLM thing was very instructive to me. I had a pain in my hole watching companies use it as a marketing exercise particularly on LinkedIn. The amount of companies boasting about their equality policies and how sorry they were about George Floyd was disgusting. Firstly, the time for those boys to come out and denounce racism was 40 or 50 years ago. Like now is the time for them to come out and denounce discrimination against travellers but none of them will touch that with a barge pole because its not fashionable yet.

But the real reason it pissed me off is they all came out saying how anti racism they are and I didn't see one say "well we had x cases of racism in the last year and this is how we dealt with it". Effectively, the message was "we're anti racism, aren't we great. If it happens, it happens in other companies not ours."

And if every company is saying that, and they were, then racism is always someone else's problem, not ours.

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118405182#Comment_118405182

The courts view all offenses committed by women less seriously

Galwayguy35

A guy who lived on our road got married late in life back in the early 1990s, he was a big man well over 6ft but he used to have the odd black eye and you would often hear her screaming at him.

He would often be seen sitting in the car for hours and it was obviously just to get a bit of peace and quiet for a bit, it must have been the most miserable 30 years of his life but nothing he could do because there was nobody to turn to in a rural part of Co Galway.

Atlantic Dawn

Not a single men's shelter in the entire country yet RTE running with a story before Christmas that 7 counties in Ireland had no women's shelter, joke of a country.

DeanAustin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118404828#Comment_118404828

You don't get taken seriously at all unless you end up in hospital or worse. During my divorce case, my solicitor and barrister had a conversation in front of me where my solicitor said "She's got a drink problem and she's even hit him. Although, she could hardly do much damage to him, look how big he is."

I was always taught that if a man hits a woman, whether it's once and a slap, it's crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed. For some reason, when it's the other way around, it's shrugged off. And that's not by one or two people, that's by most people.

Then again, as another poster alludes to above, the whole family law area in Ireland is disgracefully biased towards women. I've come out of it the other end with enough for me to get a new home, decent custody of my kids and enough money to allow me to do all the things that make me happy. But some of the stuff you go through is outrageous.

Atlantic Dawn

So much for equality...

"To date our funding is less than 1% of the approx. €30m funding for women services, it's not about taking funding from women’s services who need more, but increasing the funding to be equal so we can respond with adequate service provisions."

https://www.rte.ie/news/2022/0102/1269512-mens-aid/

I hope this welcome measure is also applied to men who need to get away from violent partners, though men are not mentioned in the article -

https://www.safeireland.ie/rent-supplement-for-victims-of-domestic-violence/

Fathom

My last university had an abuse center. Included spousal, boy & girl friend, parental, siblings, peer bullies, online bullies, stalkers, etc. They provided counseling. Also had referral services to city, county, and state shelters. Had both paid professionals and staff. Including volunteers working towards marriage & family practice certification. They were quite busy from appearances. Sad.

My housemate was an MA instructor for several years. Now I get free training in self-defense.

the_pen_turner

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118406245#Comment_118406245

of course it wont . the organisation is called safe ireland, creating safety for woman and children.

I believe abuse of men by women in various forms is a significant problem that is vastly under-reported because of “stigma”. It’s human nature that if you don’t see anyone else holding up their hand to say x or y happened them (eg. before the exposure of child sexual abuse by priests) then you are probably going to keep your own troubles to yourself, as you don’t want to be the one testing the waters and feeling that you are opening yourself to potential ridicule and further hurt. It takes one or two to get that big tanker moving, but once there’s enough momentum people feel more comfortable about discussing what happened them.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118405515#Comment_118405515

I know a guy who had to leave the country because his ex wife was a serious potential danger to him, a bunny boiler.

spurious

How did women get the shelters?

Those great equality advocates out there shouting take down the patriarchy, etc. They have no clue about the pressures on men and are not willing to have a conversation. "A man can only be loved if he can provide something". Did you ever hear this statement? As a volunteer, I've had conversations with older men, especially in rural Ireland. From experience, the biggest threat to men opening up is that it won't be used against them in the moment or later on.

The funding in this country is a joke.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118406591#Comment_118406591

They set them up themselves and ran them directly for years before getting state funding.

Sunny Disposition

No doubt make abuse of women is a serious problem.

But don’t doubt that psychological abuse of men is also very prevalent.

Unfortunately society doesn’t care about men’s issues at all. It possibly doesn’t care about how gender issues affect women enough, but it doesn’t care about the male side of it at all.

Mad_maxx

Not only is the issue of male victimhood by a spouse not taken seriously, we are heading ever closer to a situation where young boys will be taught in school that they are inherently disordered by way of " consent classes "

Things are getting more anti male by the day and what's more it's a respectable position

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118408028#Comment_118408028

What do you mean with “consent classes”?

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118408100#Comment_118408100

Talk of them being taught in primary school