Is there any hope at all?

LaraDo

Hi, all,

This is my first post, and it is a bit of a mess but try to bear with me and ask me anything it is needed to help you help me, please.

More than ten years of relationship.

He’s a person that doesn’t like to be told anything and has a hard time learning from someone else because he doesn’t accept directions from others. But he’s very good at giving what he calls suggestions, again and again, very insistently. If I don’t apply his suggestion he gets mad and storms out, bang doors, throw stuff around and stamp his feet.  A proper noisy tantrum. After that, he applies the silence treatment and I usually make the effort to start the communication again, with a neutral question first, or something not related to what happened, to help him open up. I know it is not easy for him, this is his first relationship and all he has seen before is his father being abusive to his family. But I know from our conversations that he agrees his father was abusive, but he somehow places equal responsibility on his mother because he says that she stayed. It makes my blood boil, and I do express that very clearly. He still tries to justify she must like something in the bastard, she makes her own choices, la, la, la…

My concern is that, after we went through thick and thin all these years, I’m starting to realize that I’m afraid of him. Of his fits. I tell him less and less of my concerns and even activities (we do not live together) because he can be very pushy in matters that don’t necessarily affect him, like if I want to start an online course or if I buy something online with my own earned money. I live in a shared flat, and he comes regularly for visits.

 

As for the last example of this type of incident, to give you all a sample: The last time he was here, he had one of these fits because one of my flatmates was working from home in the living room, that is next to my bedroom and, as the construction is of poor quality, we can hear him nearly breathing, meaning it is somehow off-putting to have sex. My partner heard my flatmates voice, started to get angrier and angrier and then went to the kitchen banging doors and drawers and making a big rackety to “make a point”. I was in the flat before them and I would have not agreed to live with someone that stayed at home all day, every day.  It can be frustrating, but his reaction… And me, seeing myself trying to calm him down because he said wanted to “confront” my flatmate and mostly because he was angry with me because I, in his opinion, should have taken care of this.

I was trying to calm him down as I was saying he may like it or not, but it is not new to him I share with people, not new to him my flatmates work from home since COVID started and no new to him the walls are made of paper. He must just have had enough, I get it. But still. 

He had three or four episodes of this “stormy mood” in the last few months.

He had never apologized. He acts as if nothing has happened and, if I try to speak about it, he downplays it or, if pressured he ”explains” why he got so angry i.e. Because the offices are open now, and he should get back to work as normal, or I should make him understand he should not take over the living room.

He doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with his reactions and is the rest of the people who cannot see his point.

For the last years, I have been noticing too that he doesn’t really process what I say. It is not easy to explain. If the matter is of direct interest to him he may register but if it is not, he may even answer and have a conversation as normal but later on, maybe a few weeks down the way he cannot remember what he said and sometimes accuses me of not telling him. But if he reads about the same issue in an article, for example, then he comes and shares it with me as a discovery. He rather gives some credit to an unknown writer, blogger, or poster about something that concerns me than to me, when I said, sometimes repeated it, years ago.

Things have to be his way and he cannot take from me. It is nearly always a no for an answer first.

I realized I am afraid of trying. I stopped giving him presents because he would give out about the choice, the price, whatever. Rejection, rejection, rejection.

I have to say that he is the most important person in my life and these years have been, all in all, much better because he was there. But it seems to me now that I care deeply for him but don’t like him much anymore because I am always walking on eggshells around him. Does it make sense? Do you think I can recover? Some things cannot be "unseen", but can they get diluted in the memory if the person makes some efforts?

 I don’t want the aggressiveness to escalate or live the rest of my life in fear. I don’t know how to help if he doesn’t see anything wrong, and he doesn’t take any advice. I cannot see any future, and he jokes frequently about not wanting to see each other's ageing decay and about what he calls“the divorce”.  

Do you see hope? Any advice? Please.

He may read this. At least I will tell him I posted it. It would feel like treason not to.

Thank you.

 

Gosh, tough situation.

It seems some of this may have come from childhood, and indeed he has anger management issues. May I ask, do you think he is on the spectrum possibly? What I mean is, he seems to get fixated on certain things, and takes greater issues with disturbances than normal people. That might explain some of his behaviour and maybe lack of some normative social skills.

It is a really tough situation, and I would advise you to take any advice here carefully as at the end of the day you know best.

Effects

Sounds like he's damaged, not interested in changing, and doesn't seem capable of respecting you.

I wouldn't waste any more time in that relationship.

NSAman

Advice from my point of view:

Either leave or stand-up to him and don't accept his **** behaviour.

He sounds like a spoilt brat. He may be good looking but that's about all that he has.

This is not going to change and will get worse. Either frighten the crap out of him but changing YOUR attitude to HIS behaviour or make the decision to leave. This smacks of "entitled" behaviour. He thinks he is the most important, is never wrong and can do no wrong and everyone has to follow his thinking????

Tell him to go and jump off a short plank (I would say other words in reality but on here I would get banned).

Confronting him with the same ferocity of attack that he is using would literally let him know that you are AS strong as he is. His actions are an intimidation tactic and either you submit or you show him that you are equally as strong.

Your decision...............

Tell me how

My concern is that, after we went through thick and thin all these years, I’m starting to realize that I’m afraid of him. 

He doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with his reactions and is the rest of the people who cannot see his point.

He had never apologized. He acts as if nothing has happened and, if I try to speak about it, he downplays it or, if pressured he ”explains” why he got so angry i.e.

Things have to be his way and he cannot take from me. It is nearly always a no for an answer first.

But it seems to me now that I care deeply for him but don’t like him much anymore because I am always walking on eggshells around him.

Ten years is not an insignificant amount of time. And some people do have a predisposition to get very angry very quickly.

But, there are strong indicators in the words you have used above (particularly those I've bolded) that would suggest to me that you know that the time has come to go your separate ways, but just haven't acknowledged this yet. If that is not the case, and you are genuinely looking for some positive direction, then at a minimum I think he should consider going to therapy for an extended period. Both for and by himself, and probably as a couple for a period so he can see how you feel about his attitude and behaviour.

I would point out that writing that you are afraid of your partner and don't actually like him anymore are at the very least significant indicators that the relationship is over, or more likely, are massive red flags, particularly the first one that you should pay attention to.

How do you think he would react if you told him you were leaving? You should consider this strongly and possibly leave before you tell him which would take some planning and support. I know there are support groups which help people in difficult situations and possibly some of these could give you advice on preparing to leave if you are genuinely worried as to how he will react.

If you were my friend or sister, I'd be advising you to finish things as soon as possible and ideally not be alone with him again.

LaraDo

He does have some social skills, but he is not a sociable person. It never mattered to me, but as for an example, he has joined me with my friends maybe a dozen times in all these years. I always respected that, however, this aspect of him meant that we do not have any activities that include other people, with the exception of me occasionally joining him and his friend for a drink. As far as I know, he has not been evaluated by any qualified professional about it.

Sounds like he's struggling with some issues ...maby had a short fuse like his father.maby a learned thing from growing up ..change will be hard .he needs councelling.

Lemming

There are two people in this relationship, and you are not one of them OP; it's him and himself. You are just a passenger to his whimsy and flights of anger. What catches me is his attitude to his mother; a total lack of empathy and a callous sort of "she was begging for it your honour" justification to his father's treatment of her.

Given everything that you have written, does the prospect of another ten years with him fill you with joy and anticipation, or fear and loathing? That answer will inform your course of action but know that given what he said about his mother - he views you the same way. In short, things will not improve and most likely get worse.

You've mentioned in your post that you will tell him about this thread. Your choice, but when he reads the others posts saying "finish it" it might be volatile.

As I said before, you know best have you are the one with him all of these years, not a random punter on boards. But what I would say is, you shouldn't have to put up with this situation, and I would think very carefully about that aspect of it.

Glenbeigh mentioned counselling, a solid approach. But getting him there will be the problem. Maybe couples counselling might be a good bet.

LaraDo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118321081#Comment_118321081

I´m not afraid of how he may react. I'll say that very clearly, he has never touched me when he does his stormy thing. But he is scary. Intimidating, and he knows he is.

I'm trying to figure out if there is something I can do to reverse the situation. I know I cannot live in fear but reacting with an aggressive reaction as NSAmasn suggests is not an option for me. I don't want to be in a battle with him.

madeiracake

Therapy for both of you needed sooner rather than later. maybe seperately maybe as a couple. He definitely has issues and if you are to continue together they need working on. He might not realise how badly this is affecting you even though it should be blindingly obvious. Sometimes people need professional help to work on their communication skills and to realise the negative effect their behaviour has on others.

LaraDo

What I mean is I'm not afraid for my own physical safety. I am afraid in general of living in a battlefield of rage explosions, banging and the threat of drama when things are not exactly as he would choose.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118321176#Comment_118321176

I'm not sure what you mean by reversing things, I didn't pick up from your posts that his behaviour has escalated but rather that he has always had this personality.

The only thing that will have any chance in making him acknowledge and change his behaviour is therapy. But it seems to me that such characters don't seem to react well to the idea of therapy and even for proactive people, it can take a long time to see meaningful change.

osarusan

Hope?

He sounds absolutely horrible. Maybe there is an undiagnosed issue there, but even if there is, it seems like it will stay undiagosed, and it doesn't make him any less horrible.

You have already said you cannot see any future, and I think you know deep down that he isn't going to change. He's not blind to this - he knows he intimidates you, and he does it anyway - he's using it.

I just hope that if you break up with him, you get away safely.

LaraDo

I'm not sure what you mean by reversing things, I didn't pick up from your posts that his behaviour has escalated but rather that he has always had this personality.

He had this personality, but his outbursts were rare. I didn't like them, but I put up with it as I'm sure he does put up with some of my quirks. What has changed is the frequency. And my awareness of my own demeanour around him lately.

MIRMIR82

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118321307#Comment_118321307

The frequency is escalating because you are allowing him to behave like that by not pulling him up on it. I would also think if he has little respect for his mother for not leaving his father, deep down he will think of you like that too. If you want the relationship to have a chance you need to tell him he needs to get help, if he is unwilling it sounds like that is that I'm afraid.

The Raging Bile Duct

He really sounds like an arsehole. If a friend was talking to you about their boyfriend and told you what you're after writing, would you tell her to stay with them? That behaviour with the flatmates is absolutely mortifying. Be thankful you're not married with kids in the mix and cut your losses. Being single would have to be better than constantly walking on eggshells around your partner.

LaraDo

He really sounds like an arsehole.

I realize he sounds like an arsehole because I only asked here about things when things are going sour. I didn't mention the good things I saw in him to be with such a person for so long as they don't need advising. He is not horrible or a horrible person. I think he doesn't really get le consequences because, even when I've told him, he doesn't process what I say. That communication issue is ongoing for the last couple of years.

wench

He doesn't get the consequences because he doesn't want to.

He has told you how he sees abused partners as willing victims, so he will read your staying as accepting his behavior.

ED E

Not living together after a decade? Perhaps theres work logistics around that but still, I'd wonder why.

XsApollo

I was about the say the same thing as above, if he saw his mother as being to blame for staying or putting up with it.

then he surely must see you as the same way.

The Raging Bile Duct

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118321427#Comment_118321427

Honestly, it wouldn't matter if he pulled flowers out of his hole to give you everyday and whispered sweet nothings into your ear as you fell asleep each night, trying to pick fights with your flatmates and victim blaming his own mother would be enough red flags for me to say that this relationship is only going one way if you continue in it.

Dial Hard

I'm not normally this blunt on here, but I think you need to hear it like this:

You've wasted 10 years on a controlling dickhead with anger issues.

You ask if there's any hope, which I think is the wrong question. The real question is why have you put up with this for so long, and are you willing to waste another 10 years on him??? Is this your first relationship too, by any chance?

But to answer your question, no, I don't think there's any hope. It's very difficult for any couple to unlearn a decade of behaviour and dynamics, and quite frankly, he hasn't once shown even the slightest inclination that he wants to (or thinks he should) try.

Jequ0n

I would not blame or judge him for the comments on his mother, OP. I refer to mine as a raging idiot who willingly remained in a disastrous relationship. He will have his reasons for his view, and I wouldn’t challenge this.

I assume it bothers you because you are worried of parallels here, which is of course a possibility. None of us know if he is like his father, and it’s also not really too relevant I think. The main problem is that he is unwilling to entertain the idea that there is something he needs to change. Since we can just assume I will guess that there have never been consequences for his tantrums, which made him realise that he is very much responsible for his own actions.

All I can say is that I was far worse than what you are describing, and I certainly never considered that I was heading down a route of total destruction. Given my selfishness I only noticed I had to change how I acted when I realise that there were repercussions for me.

Now I can’t tell you what threat of consequences would work to make him realise something. Hearing that you can’t continue staying in the relationship unless he tries therapy might do the trick, or it might not. If his outburst are not causing him suffering he might not care. But if he is escalating then it’s probably time to set up boundaries, which is something you have not managed to do in the past.

bottlebrush

You mentioned your friends. Have you spoken to them about this, or to any of your family. How does he feel about you going out with your friends or family, without him?

If he doesn't take direction from you or listen to what you have to say, I can't see him being receptive to a suggestion of going to therapy. He seems to believe there's absolutely nothing wrong with him and will likely dismiss it as your imagination. Gaslighting, in other words.

His parents relationship may explain his behaviour but it does not excuse it. I truly believe that conflict reveals character - his real character is what he is in times of conflict. And no amount of whatever good you see in him can wipe that slate.

You're not married, you don't have children together. Can you imagine if you were living together what it would be like, given his behaviour in your flat and towards another person whose home it is? You think you're walking on eggshells now?

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118321059#Comment_118321059

I wouldn't waste any more time in that relationship.

This could and pasted into nearly every thread in this forum. I suppose the reason it's not followed more readily is that for a lot of women a bad man (even a very bad one) is better than none at all (which would be the realistic alternative for many).

But in this case it looks like a no brainer.

Ave Sodalis

OP the only way, and I mean the only way this is going to improve is if he realises himself that what he's doing is not normal, and seeks extensive therapy to deal with this manifestation of past trauma. By the sounds of it, it doesn't seem like he will admit to it and the reality is, it may take a momentous change for him (such as you breaking up) to see, if he sees at all.

So you're life with what you are going to do about it. Is this something you want to live with forever? Walking on egg shells, thinking about everything you're going to say, waiting for him to decide you're too old for him (ageing decay, what?). What about kids? They're much worse than housemates for disrupting a sex life. What will he do with them when they're constantly making noise and being present in the house when he wants sex? What would those kids learn when they see their father can stamp his feet and throw a tantrum, then get what he wants?

wildwillow

You can disentangle yourself from this relationship easily enough now. Read some of the threads here where people are in a destructive relationship but, because property and children are involved, cannot easily leave.

You are not even living together after ten years. There is no real commitment and you are not getting hapinness.

Turn a new page and get yourself the life you deserve.

LaraDo

You mentioned your friends. Have you spoken to them about this, or to any of your family. How does he feel about you going out with your friends or family, without him?

He doesn't mind. And It is not a big issue for me either. It is only on some occasions that I would have liked to have him included or even show up, and he refused, that it was a tender spot for me. I do understand he's not a social person.

What about kids?

We don't have, and I would not have any due to my age and my personal choice, he knows from the beginning, no surprises or change of mind in that department for any of us.

farmerval

Quite simply OP, you are not living the life that you deserve. Much of your time and energy is going as a buffer between him and the world, like an airbag diffusing his Lordship's tantrums. This is not a relationship.

If you stay together there will never be room for you in the relationship, your life will only ever be in relation to him, not in relation to your wants, your needs. It will always be about him, all you will ever be is an accoutrement, someone or something that makes his life easier, smooths over whatever ruffles him at any time.

Your post is so human and warm and the most positive thing you can say about your ten year relationship is that it was better being with him than without. The big question is, how do you know it's better? Look at your friends, are they in relationships where significant others actually share their lives, do stuff together, support each other, socialise with each others friends, normal stuff.

The most shocking thing in your opening post is that you can see this is getting worse, you are enabling him to become a bigger pig than he already is. I would say forget therapy, forget helping him, or turning things around, he's grooming you to be the same as his mother, a woman he obviously despises but wants to replicate for himself.

The only way therapy would be of benefit is if he wanted it, nothing to do with you, purely and utterly off his own bat because he wants to change. Do you see that happening?

I can only assume, but when a long term relationship is fading away, it must be hard to let it go, ten years of each other can't be wiped away easily, but for you to have the life you want and deserve I suspect you have no choice but cut the cord. You said yourself, he can accept nothing coming from you, what does that say, it says he doesn't value you.

I am sorry if my words are harsh, but I believe when you finished the opening post and presumably read back over it before posting, you already had your answer, right in front of you. Now is the time to go forward and find someone that deserves you, and that you deserve. Don't waste more time on a lost cause.

LaraDo

I am sorry if my words are harsh, but I believe when you finished the opening post and presumably read back over it before posting, you already had your answer, right in front of you.

I suppose you are right but still wanted to give that a different go. To open up to other people angles, to make sure I wasn't missing a solution or a helping resource right in front of my face. I have been going over and over in my head so many times in the last few days that I needed to make sure I wasn't getting lost in a spiral and not seeing the obvious exit to that maze.

It's been the longest and more important relationship of my life. I want to be sure I cover every angle and exhaust every possibility.