Is there any hope at all?

JoChervil

I think he has unresolved issues, which he barely keeps a lead on, hence outbursts. You can't help him. He needs a long process of therapy to resolve it. But you are codependent in all this. To break it, you need to learn how to set boundaries.

From your description, he might be on a spectrum, so kudos for you for accepting such difficulties, if it is so. Yet you should set boundaries anyway. It might be the first step.

As far as communication is concerned. I always recommend "Non-violent communication". Great book how to get to people, who don't listen because of their defence mechanisms. You literally have to ask people to repeat to you, what you just said. And let them talk first so then, being heard, they can listen. But I am afraid, he needs months of therapy to be able to listen. He is just too much into his inner problems.

I think deep down, he knows he is an a***hole, that's why he is joking about "divorce". On his own he is not capable to change, so I think he expects you to leave. Maybe even subconsciously he wants it because it would force him to change? Otherwise it will be "ageing decay" from his part.

I think in this story about his mother, he tries not to feel guilty about his bad treatment of you. And he is somehow right. If you stay, it means you accept such treatment and you are even enabling it. Maybe by telling you his mother's story he is showing you a way out of it? For you and for him?

sporina

OP if he has no awareness of how out of control he is, he won't change.. my advice would be to leave him.. change is difficult but best in the long run. take care of you - you deserve better xxx

JoChervil

I cannot see any future, and he jokes frequently about not wanting to see each other's ageing decay and about what he calls“the divorce”. 

I hope it means only a split, not a suicide?

Purple Mountain

He is a man child.

I'd be mortified if he were my boyfriend and would have walked years ago, OP.

cj maxx

i find it hard to disagree with Purple Mountain.

HildaOgdenx

My concern is that, after we went through thick and thin all these years, I’m starting to realize that I’m afraid of him.

I didn't get much further in reading your OP, after this. You need to get yourself out of this, safely. And as soon as possible.

Yurt2

If someone doesn't know how to apologize, there's no point in wasting your life with that nonsense.

I've had people in my life like that as well, they have other qualities, but their inability to apologise when it would be glaringly obvious to other humans to do so corrodes all the good over time.

It's like a personality impairment that some people have and they alienate so many people with it. It's sad, but don't waste much more of your life if you think he doesn't have the will to change.

rainbowtrout

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118321427#Comment_118321427

Ah here. You've said yourself you've come to the realisation that you're afraid of him and you don't want to live in a battlefield. Nice people don't do that to their partners in relationships. Horrible people do. Stop making excuses for this nasty man. Stop making excuses for him, step back and look at the situation as it is.

SmallgirlBigcity

I could have written this myself a few years ago. I was in a long term relationship with someone like that. He would have rages and be aggressive but never hit me. But I was afraid of him. And he put me down a lot. He was emotionally abusive but I couldn't see it at the time.

Id always make excuses for him and he had a difficult childhood so I felt sorry for him. I met someone else in work and having those feelings for someone else made me realise that I needed to leave, and I did. It was the best thing I ever did. It's only when you're out of it that you can see how bad it was. I'd recommend trying to leave the relationship but I know it's not easy either. You'll continue to tell yourself that there's good things about the relationship and the length of time you've been together makes it harder to leave to. Reading Erica Jongs book Fear of Flying really helped me. My advice is to leave. You end up not even liking the other person and find yourself more relaxed and happier when they're not there. That's not what a relationship should be like. Best of luck. I hope you get out. I'm so so glad I did. It was the best decision of my life.

SmallgirlBigcity

By the way, you mentioned that you're not worried about him doing anything physical. I wasn't either but when I ended things, his aggression escalated to the point that I was worried he'd hurt me. He didn't but the worry was there. So be careful of that. Try not to be alone with him if you do decide to end it.

Also, my ex promised he'd go to counselling, said he'd seen the error of his ways and this was his wake up call but for me it was too late. I didn't like him anymore, let alone love him. There was nothing he could do to take back all the years of damage he'd done. So if you do make the decision to end it, try to stick to it. It's not worth sticking around while he tries to fix himself. Life is too short. I'm with someone now who is so calm and supportive and I wonder what the hell I was doing for so long, letting someone treat me like that. But I understand that it's so hard when you're in it. Best of luck.

Wombatman

I realize he sounds like an arsehole because I only asked here about things when things are going sour. I didn't mention the good things I saw in him to be with such a person for so long as they don't need advising. He is not horrible or a horrible person. I think he doesn't really get le consequences because, even when I've told him, he doesn't process what I say. That communication issue is ongoing for the last couple of years.

What are you getting out of the relationship? You must be getting something to put up with this sh1te.

I expect you are staying with him because of that past and that you feel like you owe him some loyalty. You don't.

List the positive things that the relationship brings to your life and all the great things you do together with this guy.

I suspect the list will be short and will no where near compensate for the horrible fear, tension and sorrow he brings to your life.

Mr Chuckles

I wonder if your partner suffers from Misaphonia?

LaraDo

I wonder if your partner suffers from Misaphonia?

No, I've never heard of it before but checked the definition and no, he doesn't.

More like a short fuse, I suppose. He's read the thread now, I think.

tea and coffee

I agree with those who say he is an emotional abuser. He has anger issues and doesn't know how to properly resolve things with measured communication.

He probably learned at home that is was Dad's way or no way, and that has carried into his own adult life.

Sounds like he needs counselling for his childhood trauma, but ultimately noone should have to put up with abuse. His problems are not your responsibility.

If it were me, and hard as that it, I would realise I can't fix him and for my own sake, walk away

Big Bag of Chips

I think he doesn't really get le consequences because, even when I've told him, he doesn't process what I say

What consequences?

He doesn't get the consequences, because there aren't any. He treats you badly, dismisses you, argues, bullies, sulks and you continue to be in a relationship with him. Consequences would be you walking away and leaving him to realise he doesn't get to treat you like that. That you are not his mother.

You should think about that though. He's like his father and he has picked a partner like his mother. Quiet, compliant, easy to bend to his will. He has lasted 10 years with you where another woman would have walked away years ago. He will not changed if there's no reason for him to. And at the moment, there's no reason for him to. How many times have you "told him"? What have you told him, and have you ever carried through? He will not sudddenly become a reasonable, patient man. Not unless something significant happens to force his hand.

You are the only one in control of the rest of your life. You are the only one who can make changes.

LaraDo

What consequences?

Emotional consequences. Memories you cannot delete and imprints you cannot reverse.

That's what I've told him many times over the years. Some things cannot be undone, or unheard, and if the same "joke" or behaviour keeps appearing after it's made clear it is not welcome, they carve a grove, slowly.

Those consequences I was talking about it.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118357281#Comment_118357281

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t think you understand what others were trying to say.

You seem convinced that everyone thinks, or should be able to think like you do. It doesn’t work that way, and some of us simply don’t care. We don’t have the same set of values you do, which is what makes you such a good match.

If you have told him again and again and he still did not come around then you can only do one thing: accept this for what it is or leave.

This will sound cruel but it is not meant that way: there are quite a lot of people out there who accept situations and relationships even though they are unhappy, undervalued and who have their self-esteem eroded, because they chose to “unsee” it. The choice is a yours.

LaraDo

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t think you understand what others were trying to say.

I understand perfectly well.

I was answering a direct question from  Big Bag of Chips.

I was clarifying what I meant.

I do not expect you to share my values.

Neither was I expecting your personal judgement of me for something you don't know. Or making assumptions about values you have no knowledge of or means to prove.

No one chooses to have their self-esteem crushed, it just happens inadvertently, and some people, when aware, ask for help.

I did that, asking for help.

Your opinion on some possible solution, and that of all the other posters that answered, by the way, is what I was asking at the beginning.

And I thank you and the others for it.

I do take the intel on board.

Your judgement, however, Jequ0n, and evaluation about what or whom you think I am are not relevant and, frankly, is not very sympathetic or helping with the solution or my self-esteem.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118357663#Comment_118357663

I am not judging you. Apologies if it came across that way. I often phrase things badly because I am lacking some skills.

I know which post you had responded to. The poster had asked why your partner would feel the need to change because there were never any consequences for him. Your response made it clear that there never have been any consequences for him, but only for you.

As I said: it’s entirely up to you what you want to do, but if you feel like your self esteem is under attack and you chose to do nothing about it that choice is yours too.

Big Bag of Chips

That's what I've told him many times over the years. Some things cannot be undone, or unheard, and if the same "joke" or behaviour keeps appearing after it's made clear it is not welcome, they carve a grove, slowly.

Those consequences I was talking about it.

But these are all consequences for you. These are consequences of his actions on you. There are no consequences for him. He does what he does and his life continues on exactly the same. To put it bluntly he doesn't care. He doesn't care that his words affect you. Because you have proven to him time and time and time again that you will accept it, have a bit of a moan about it and then carry on as usual except you'll walk on eggshells a bit more, you'll amend your behaviour and reactions to avoid upsetting him. You'll smooth things over for the sake of a quiet life, and he will continue as he always has done.

So. I'll ask again, what consequences? He hasn't the capability to consider another person's point of view. He's always right. His opinion is the only relevant one. So why do you think he would care about the consequences of his words and actions on somebody else (you)? If his life isn't inconvenienced in any way then there are no consequences. No reason for him to change.

So you have told him how his words make you feel, and it doesn't make a difference. He continues. So what next? You can't change him. Not if he has no reason to. So you need to make a decision. You accept him for who he is and accept that he will always be like this, or you give him an ultimatum. He changes his behaviour or you walk away from the relationship. You then have to be prepared to walk away though.

THAT'S a consequence.