Regretting a break up

Muller1991

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117927757#Comment_117927757

Thanks @TheadoreT

I'm prepared for the Lose/Lose Scenario. No one relationship is the same.

To be completely honest the fact that she has been with someone else is not going to annoy me the way you think it will.

I have had meetings or appointments with a councillor already and we have spoken about relationship ending etc

The One Doctor

If she's already going on holidays with another guy then that's it - nothing will change her mind and you'll look like a fool tbh.

Same happened to me. In retrospect (20 years later) it was just as well we broke up because I'd never have met my wife and had two fantastic daughters.

Frank Bullitt

Same exact thing happened to me.

Was with someone, broke up and found she moved on when I saw a picture of her in the airport with another bloke. Took me a while to realise that I didn't miss her or anything like that, it was my ego that kicked in.

Looking back, it was a bad relationship that I should have bailed out of earlier (not saying this is the case for you). The grass is always greener, as they say.

I would advise really thinking on what you are feeling. Are you missing companionship? Are you missing her? Or are you still adjusting to a new way of living and life?

Sounds to me like you have a lot going for you, I took a lot of time for myself and focused on myself after I got that news. Ate well, focused on work, trained hard, then I met someone and the regret I had for my previous relationship was all gone.

It is a bit hit to the heart for sure, you compare and contrast yourself. But try to not let that get in the way of what you REALLY want.

Honestly to me, this sounds like your ego kicking in when you saw she moved on. There is also no reason to believe that just because she is on holiday etc, that things are all rosey for her. Delete her off your social media, or take a break from it for a while. You are seeing a split second of someones like, no clue at all what is happening either side of that photo at all. For me, deleting social media is a gift from the heavens, I would advise that for a while if you are feeling certain ways.

Be good to yourself as well, jut focus on the good and stay active. Things are opening up now here in Ireland (currently back on a trip myself), get yourself out there, book a solo trip, think and focus on yourself, the rest will work itself out.

FintanMcluskey

Social media imo is a total load of bolix

Sound's like you spotted her and the new guy on social media

That's a perfect snapshot in time of her at her best on holiday(likely a picture that a few goes to look good). Its not reality. Nobody on social media has flaws and your memory only allow's you to see her at her perfect best

Delete her from your social media and give it time.

km991148

If you do have a chat be prepared for her to quite rightly put you in your place and tell you that you are out of order. You don't know what she went through after the breakup.

Additionally if you do genuinely care for this person and it is off, try and remind yourself that you are happy for her being happy (once you get over your own broken pride/ ego) - because that's what you want for people that you care about, isn't it?

callaway92

Use the savings you made in the relationship to treat yourself to something (new set of golf clubs, holiday with friends etc)

She has genuinely moved on - She’s not just going to turn around on a whim now and say it was all a mistake - Clearly she refuted from contacting you during your time separated and she found someone so she seems to be happy that way and I’d probably leave her alone.

I’d actually go as far as saying it’ll be nigh-on impossible to recover it. And not that it matters too much but even the whole family situation and all now - Everyone will have moved on.

SteM

Lets be honest OP, if you had have noticed the holiday snaps while sitting beside a new partner then you probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. It's the fact that she's moved on and you haven't found someone that is really hitting you hard, just give it time and leave her be.

PeonyPink

I agree to a point with other posters in that the timing isn’t ideal and it will look suss in her POV that now you only want her because she’s with someone but we are where we are now. I did ask OP what he was doing up to now. Maybe this copped him on and he realised she’s not waiting around and he could actually lose her etc

The OP outlined the issues - financial. They made the mistake of moving home separately and naturally, no matter how strong a couple, this did damage.

OP- if you are going to pour your heart out to her, make sure you only do it if you’ve something to offer her. Not this “let’s see where it goes” again business and sitting on your hands. You’re both 30. It should be the full works - the house, a marriage, children etc because you should know what you want.As in, if she actually agrees, what will the plan be? You can’t just carry on in limbo.

However, if you are “confused” or don’t know what you want, obviously hold off and figure that out.

But if she’s who you want for the rest of your life, go for it! All or nothing.

Be forewarned, telling or enquiring with a mutual friend is like sending a warning shot so she knows by now that you are asking so don’t be fooled - she’ll be weighing things up as we speak so whatever you have to offer, make sure it’s a promise that will be fulfilled because she has other options.

Muller1991

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117928342#Comment_117928342

@PeonyPink You must be a mind reader of sorts lol.

I have a very clear image of what I want and what I intend to offer , Cards on the table etc.

I am certainly not confused anymore , Initially I thought oh wait these are just the natural feelings when this happens, but after some serious thought I have to let her know.

Yep agree about the friend stuff too. It will be fulfilled.

Smiley283

I think you have nothing to lose by contacting her and being honest. I feel it is better to know you tried than to sit back, say nothing and always wonder (even if it isn't the answer you wanted) it'll help you in the long term to move on with your life.

I feel like there is nothing in the world that can get in the way of what is truly meant for you.

Best of luck with everything in the future. We all live and learn.

HamSarris

Oneitis is a very serious psychological problem for men, causing them to act on delusional beliefs.

While you may think she is the one, the odds that she thinks you are hers is very slim. She's 29, will have multiple immediate options for dating. You'll only be the one if she preceives you as better than those options, even if some of these options are just fantasies. Sounds like she's in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship and your relationship might seem in the distant past - fun & holidays Vs arguing about putting the towels in the wrong place.

It's also possible she had moved on even when you were together. You described arguing frequently towards the end. Women rarely come out directly and say they want to break up. They may manufacture various arguments over trivial things so that the relationship ends because of the fighting - rather than because they were already checked out of the relationship.

You could tell her how you feel but the odds of success are low and the emotional consequences on your self-esteem could be significant if wrong. Also, if you were to get back together, the power balance would be on her side.

Big Bag of Chips

Can posters please leave gender stereotypes and generalisations out of the forum please. They are rarely helpful.

If a poster has an issue with a moderator instruction please PM the moderator as commenting on thread is off topic.

Muller1991

So just an update for those that would like to know :).

I got in contact and explained how I was feeling. I feel as if a massive weight was lifted of my shoulders for that alone.

I have given her time to think about things and as such have told her I wasnt expecting to hear from her striaght away as it may be a shock etc

BettyS

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117941633#Comment_117941633

Best of luck!! How did she sound?

YellowLead

Fair play OP - you have said your piece and now you’ll have no regrets - if only I’d told her etc.

It does sound like she has moved and and you guys both chose to break up. But at least you have laid your cards on the table and can begin moving on now if it’s not meant to be.

Frank Bullitt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117941633#Comment_117941633

That fact that you feel a weight lifted for just saying anything is a great sign.

Well done.

heretothere

I hope it works out! I think you were right to tell her. You don't want to be living with regrets.

Loughc

Speaking from experience OP even if ye do get back together, it won't be the same as before and the same cracks that appeared before will resurface.

4 years is a long time to be with someone and the breakup is still relatively fresh. I say you're better off working on yourself and moving forward, looking to the past will only ever stop yourself getting the future you deserve.

Muller1991

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117944861#Comment_117944861

I know what you mean. In the past few months I have worked on myself and I suppose by doing so I realised what needed to be done. I have worked on my own issues and have explained that to her.

Pussyhands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924600#Comment_117924600

Reminds me of when Ben Foden dumped Una Healy and Healy was all over the media a few weeks later showing body pics and then a new "hunk" on her arm. All for show.

6 months after a breakup and she's going on foreign holidays...she must have been on the Tinder right away!

KellyKelly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953300#Comment_117953300

The Moral of the story is..... She moved on!

Smiley283

Hi OP,

Has there been on word for your ex? I've been thinking about you and hoping that you get an answer soon. I found myself in a vaguely similar situation over the summer and I can sympathise over waiting to hear from an ex. It isn't an easy thing to do!

Muller1991

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117975927#Comment_117975927

Hey Smiley , Thanks for reaching out , So after speaking to my counsellor and thinking about things, I went with my gut feeling and reached out to her, She was shocked to hear that's how I was feeling, I wrote it all out and sent it to her. To be honest I felt like a weight had been lifted when I sent it to her (No going back now) I'm relieved I let her know how I was feeling, That's half the battle.

I told her to take as much time as she needs to process it all.

So where am I now ? I am still waiting lol but in her 1st reply to me I can sense some positivity ( not going into too much detail on here because some people would only begrudge it )

Hope all is well with your situation :)

PeonyPink

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117976981#Comment_117976981

That’s great OP. Well done for being brave and honest. Countless people let people walk out of their lives and never try.

Whatever her response, you have nothing to lose and everything to possibly gain if she says yes.

Well done xx

Muller1991

So just an update for those that want it.

We have been in touch with each other a couple of times over the past week or so. I have laid out everything to her about how I feel and why I feel that way ( not in a jealous ex boyfriend kinda way ).

She has said that she feels the same way about me too and that the holiday pics I have seen and commented on previously was not exactly as it had looked like.

We are going to meet up at some stage over the next two weeks, She has some things she needs to sort out. So for now thats where I am.

It's a weird situation to be in I'm not gonna lie, but something does feel right about it all and whatever happens well thats down to faith now.

Jafin

Please make sure to keep us updated! Very interested to see how this all pans out.

Loughc

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118010267#Comment_118010267

The stuff she has to sort out worries me. Be careful she’s not going to string you and someone else along and have the best of both worlds.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@Jafin Please don't ask for updates. Requesting updates is against the Charter in PI/RI

Similarly @Muller1991 providing updates without needing further advice is also against the Charter. If you require further advice I can of course leave the thread open for you, but if its simply for updates it goes beyond what PI/RI is for and you might bear that in mind.

Thanks

HS

banoffe2

Thanks for the update OP . I admire your courage and honesty, wishing you the very best of luck whatever the outcome is, mind yourself

bucketybuck

I'm sorry OP but this is all very predictable. You laid your cards on the table and I respect that, but unfortunately there was no hollywood style make up and so what do you think happens next?

Now there will be weeks of purgatory, that grey area of "I'm not sure" and "we need more time" and "maybe". You meet up and do a few things together and have a great time and think it will all work out, so then can't understand why there is still hesitancy and days where she isn't interested and isn't committing to anything.

And then maybe you both do commit to something and decide give it a try, but it isn't the same as before because not only are all the old issues still unresolved but now you have a whole list of new ones to add to the pile. "She wasn't ready to take me back at first, shes moody today, does that mean she still isn't 100% sure?". "She doesn't share as much as she used to, is that because of what happened?". "What actually happened on that holiday, is she still seeing that other man?"

I hope it all works out for you in the end, but mainly I hope you have your eyes open here and don't throw precious time away on something that might very well already have had the good taken from it. This isn't hollywood, some issues aren't fixed by just declaring your love. Some foods can't be reheated.