Regretting a break up

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 2:58pm #1

Hi All

Myself and My ex GF , Broke up in March after a 4 year relationship. I am 30 years old and she is 29. We had been living together and saving for a mortgage for the best part of the final two years. In March 2020 we had both planned to move home to our parents houses in order to focus on saving seriously for a deposit etc.

Low and behold the week we moved out of the apartment was also the week Lockdown 0.1 came about. I live in Dublin while the ex moved back to the midlands , during the first 6 weeks of lockdown we didn't see each other and this naturally had a strain on our relationship. After the lockdown we began to do couple things again and the relationship got back on track.

Fast forward to January just gone and lockdowns played another part in messing things up. We began to argue over the slightest things, Looking back now it was massively immature on both sides but hey what's done is done and what not. Constant arguing over the smallest issues and thinking we where unhappy with each other.

In February we mutually decided that maybe we should split up , We did, and by the end of may we had sorted out our finances and removed money from joint accounts etc.

2 weeks ago I noticed that she was away on holidays with a new bloke and this has absolutely floored me , I feel like I've been hit by a bus and cannot stop thinking of her and how I feel about her.

Sorry for the somewhat long post but should I let her know how I feel or live to regret this.

TIA

Big Bag of Chips · 22-09-2021 3:12pm

You say you mutually decided to split. Which means both of you decided it wasn't working.

What's different now? Or what would be different? A lot of time has passed for you both to realise that this wasn't what you wanted. But you separated. Sorted out money. And walked away. At any point in that process either of you could have asked is this what you both wanted.

I suppose you could say it to her. You've got nothing to lose. But think about do you actually want to spend the rest of your life with her (if you get back together surely it wouldn't be with the intention of breaking up again in a few months). Or are you just feeling the natural feelings that most people feel when they see their ex with someone new.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 3:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924342#Comment_117924342

Yes we mutually decided to split.

What's different now is that I feel that it was a massive mistake , I've had one or two dates with other people and initially thought oh wait I'm comparing them to her etc. but haven thought long and hard about it I know she is the one so to speak. I also thought maybe I was feeling the natural feelings you have after a break up I realize now that it isn't, I'm genuinely losing sleep over this at times. I would like to think that by getting back together it would be for the long haul.

Iseedeadpixels · 22-09-2021 3:39pm

It takes time, after 4 years you're hardly gonna get over her straight away, take your time and when you meet someone you'll forget about her.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-09-2021 3:52pm

Well, you've got nothing to lose by saying it to her. She may or may not feel the same. If you don't say it you might well spend forever more thinking "what if".

KellyKelly · 22-09-2021 3:59pm

She Moved on quickly... 👀

XsApollo · 22-09-2021 4:02pm

What have you got to lose, at least you will know the answer and then can go about sorting it out.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 4:12pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924614#Comment_117924614

Thats exactly it, I have nothing to lose and yea if it doesn't work out at least then I can focus on myself and move on.

Jequ0n · 22-09-2021 4:22pm

You just realised this suddenly when you saw that she had moved on?

victor8600 · 22-09-2021 4:40pm

Move on. Everyone has regrets. It might have been a mistake, or a good thing in the long run. You would probably never know.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 4:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924743#Comment_117924743

Nope I have been wrestling with my emotions practically ever since the break up, I suppose seeing her with someone else has made me think about it even more, the more I think about it , the more I have to find out if she still has any feelings for me.

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 4:50pm

She was about to commit to a life with you! You obviously loved eachother. Those feelings don’t just go away overnight - new bloke, new GF or not…

You broke up because of circumstances out of your control.

However, like other posters have said, are you feeling this way because she has seemingly moved on or are you still in love with her? Think about this before you reach out. The break up was obviously very painful for you both.

What have you yourself been doing since lockdown ended? Did you try to get her back or travel to see her? If not, why?

Do you feel this way because you are actually in love and she’s the one or is your ego bruised?

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 5:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117924906#Comment_117924906

Thanks for the reply - I am writing this because I am still madly in love with her , We met a few times since and that was mainly just to give stuff back and a coffee etc where we both spoke about how we felt etc but dopey hole me didn't have the courage to say how I felt then in fear of getting shot down bare in mind it was all still very raw for me and for her too Id imagine. I Genuinely feel she is the one for me and I'd love to think I am the one for her in fact I'm almost sure I am.

We both had an amazing relationship with each others families too

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 6:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925002#Comment_117925002

Whats worse - being in fear of being shot down or losing a shared life with the person you’re madly in love with?

Definitely the latter.

Stop overthinking this and second guessing her feelings or several potential outcomes.

Get up and go to her. Enough thinking.

You love her? Go get her!!!! Please :)

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 6:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925301#Comment_117925301

:) Thanks @PeonyPink Ill Let you know how I get on. Meeting on Saturday or maybe earlier.

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 6:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925313#Comment_117925313

Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic but I wouldn’t wait any longer tbh… enough time has passed.

Be brave. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who is honest about his feelings :)

Best of luck !!!!! Please report back

topmanamillion · 22-09-2021 6:18pm

Move on OP. You blame alot of external factors for the break up mainly Covid. Really 6 weeks away from each other because of lockdown should have been a positive.

It should have let you 2 miss each other and realise that you both were in it for the long haul. It seems to have done the opposite.

To be honest all i see here is a man that didnt realise the break up was permanent. You see your ex off with someone else and it dawns on you.

Best advice i can give is give the dating a proper chance. Shes moved on you should too. I highly doubt she'd welcome you back if you came back blaming it all on Covid. You'd need to have done a bit deeper soul searching than that and realise the mistakes you'd made. So the dating will let you grow a bit and stand on your own two feet. Try to improve yourself and have your own independence. Thats what shes doing and its whats making her attractive to you right now.

SEPT 23 1989 · 22-09-2021 6:31pm

If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be

TheadoreT · 22-09-2021 6:40pm

I think there's a combination of rose tinted glasses and a bit of a wounded ego she's moved on here. Doesn't sound like either of you fought for it too much at the time and that's pretty telling. You've also had a few crap dates and probably missing the comforts of a relationship and not her specifically.

But anyway, the fact she's away on hols so soon with someone else would probably give the indication she was checked out a good bit before the relationship had ended.

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 7:05pm

But if the OP has said he is still in love with her and feel she’s the one…and thinks she might still feel the same,

Can he not just shoot his shot, tell her how he feels? He has nothing to lose!

SunnySundays · 22-09-2021 7:07pm

There's part of me that can't help wondering if this is about your ego rather than your heart!

Why did it take her being with another man to realise your mistake? Are you sure it isn't just jealousy?

If you still during covid19 why we you be like when there's other pressures? Small kids, sleep deprevation, job losses, bereavement etc. How will you be sure you'll deal with it differently next time life isn't plain sailing.

She's met someone else. It might be the real deal or could be just a rebound.

Also, mutual separations aren't usually 50/50, there is usually one instigator and another who accepts the situation isn't working. Who mentioned it first?

That said, if you're sure it's not just ego or jealousy driven, what have you got to lose by contacting her. You won't be any worse of a position even if she tells you to get lost.

Thelonious Monk · 22-09-2021 7:45pm

It's probably just a kick in the bollocks that you've seen your ex with someone else and you're having these irrational thoughts. I saw my ex of about 1.5 years ago on Bumble earlier this year and it was a bit of a shock to the system, even though I had been doing ok and getting on with life. 6 months later I've met someone great who seems to be way more suitable for me than the last one. Just forget about it, she's with someone else now, and probably doesn't give you much thought and I would say most definitely doesn't want to get back with you. Them's the breaks.

TheadoreT · 22-09-2021 7:55pm

Also I've never known a couple to go from living together to then living with their respective parents to save. All the cases I've known the couple moved together to one of the set of parents. It's a massive regressive step in a relationship to go from living together to not and that distance definitely seemed to widen the divide for you two. Was it never on the cards? Obv covid doesn't help but you seemed to make this decision beforehand.

bucketybuck · 22-09-2021 7:59pm

You need to be brutally honest with yourself, this is all ego on your part.

You felt like you were hit by a bus when you saw she was on holiday with another man? Not when you broke up 7 months ago, not when you met to swap things or sort some details, not when you were off meeting other women, no, you felt like that when you saw her with somebody else.

Its pride and possessiveness, that other man has your toy and you want it back.

I've been there, the single hardest part of any breakup is the part where you know that right this minute, she is with somebody else. But it has nothing to do with whether she is actually right for you, its all simply about the fact that she isn't with you right now!

Its a form of rejection, she went elsewhere and it hurts the pride. You need to recognise that instead of jumping back into something that already failed once.

22-09-2021 8:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925002#Comment_117925002

I don't mean this in a bad way but using language like "the one" is a red flag for me. We've all been there, "she's so great, the sun itself rises in the morning for a glimpse at her smile etc etc". There is no such thing as the one and I wish the concept could be scrubbed from human consciousness simply because it is so restrictive. In your case you are restricting yourself from finding someone better suited to you.

The reality is there is a reason ye broke up and more importantly, there is a reason neither of ye advocated for the relationship while it was breaking up. It has run its course. It's perfectly natural to be sad about this, and wistful, but you are better served imo, by moving forward.

All the same, good luck OP, tell her how you feel and go for it. I hope it works out between ye.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 8:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925522#Comment_117925522

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925355#Comment_117925355

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925788#Comment_117925788

Thanks for the advice everyone - I 100% see where your coming from and I have thought about all about that for quite sometime now and naturally I would be lying if I wasn't jealous of course I am.

It really is not an ego thing. I'm a hopeless romantic too, Either way I'll be shooting my shot over the weekend . . . Ill report back.

I'm prepared for the devastating low that may be coming.

bucketybuck · 22-09-2021 9:31pm

You are too close to see it, seeing her with somebody else has swept you up in a cloud and made you a romantic cliche.

Where do you think this ends? If on Sunday she agrees to give it another try and you get back together, what are you going to do six months down the line when you no longer feel like you have been hit by a bus and instead have to deal with all the reasons you broke up in the first place?

Are you going to talk about all the sex she had on that holiday? Will you accept that for what it was and never think of it again? What if you see her texting him?

People get back together and it can work out, but not when the reason for getting back together is because the guy seen her with somebody else and decided he was madly in love.

If I was you I would go there on Sunday to have a chat and not much more. If you go there ready to get down on your knees and beg for love then you are just fooling yourself and setting yourself up for more heartache.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-09-2021 10:43pm

Have you a plan past Sunday? Are you going to continue living apart in different areas of the country? Are you going to move back in together? Have you enough saved for a mortgage yet? Do you still have the savings? Has she used some of her mortgage savings to go on holiday?

I think if you are going to tell her you want to try again you need to offer her something. Something that convinces her it's worth trying again to make a relationship that ended 6 months ago that neither of you wanted to fight for, work.

PeonyPink · 22-09-2021 11:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117926812#Comment_117926812

100% agreed.

Have a plan and be decisive.

Tell her how you feel and you should know where you want to go with the relationship afterwards.

Were you going to marry this girl? Not saying you should propose at the weekend lol but knowing what you want and what your future looks like with her will help your case immensely.

Muller1991 · 22-09-2021 11:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117926946#Comment_117926946

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117926812#Comment_117926812

Yes I have a very good idea where a I would like this relationship to go I.E House , Marriage , Kids.

I haven't touched my savings at all and have continued to save as much as before hand in fact maybe more with little or no overheads and from speaking to a mutual friend earlier this evening she has continued to save also.

I have to say I was very undecisive about starting this thread in the first place and I'm glad I reached out when I did, It couldn't be any clearer what I have to do now.

TheadoreT · 23-09-2021 9:46am

I really feel this is gonna be lose/lose for you. If you confront her and she rejects you you'll end up in despair at her choosing the new lover over you. Most likely end imo.

If you do manage to talk her around you'll still have all your old issues(longterm relationships don't end for nothing) plus you seem like the type of character who wouldn't easily let go of her dating post break up so all that added resentment will be lingering there too.

I feel councilling would be a far better option for you personally here to get to the route of why her new romance triggered you so much. On the surface it seems to be rooted in an unhealthy control dynamic where you were seemingly happy to crack on with your lives until she displayed a clear sign of having gotten over you.

Regretting a break up

Comments