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Dating apps and ladies over 35

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    #542
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Chris_5339762 wrote: »
    In my experience, they are. I have lost three good relationships because I hesitated when asked the "do you want kids" question. I actually don't want kids, but I didn't even have to say that. My last girlfriend said "I assumed everyone wants kids" and then she dumped me a few days later.


    Its for the best in the end, but in reality, I find that the number of women who aren't desperate for children in their 30s is absolutely minute. Its biology after all.




    biology gimme a break... like women as individuals dont have their own minds.


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    #543
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    monkeybutter wrote: »
    what exactly did this person say to you to waste your time? for some people they don't want to break up for fear of hurting the other person

    some people change their minds and realise at 30 the other person who suited them in their 20s no longer does at 30 but pulling the plug is hard

    the seven year isn't that far off the truth

    people have been jilted on the altar, horrible of course, but worse than knowing then and divorcing later with kds etc? hard to say

    Those good eggs, have weed their way through just as many head cases and bunny boilers
    Where have all good men gone? The same place as the good women

    Being hurt would have been significantly preferable to the gaslighting and manipulation I endured the last two years or so of the relationship, I could have also started the healing and recovering process sooner if he had just been more honest.

    I completely understand changing your mind, falling out of love etc.
    But there is no excuse for basically acting like a single man while denying outright there were any issues with the relationship, that I was imagining everything, that it was completely normal that he kept wanting to feck off for weeks on end on holidays with his mates (he did a 6 week stint travelling around Asia with 23 other lads and wouldn’t let me come is one example, even though the other girlfriends of the lads were going) and going out on the sesh 2/3 nights a week, which I was also never invited on.
    Any time I raised concerns I was told to calm down, give him space cos he was struggling with mental health etc and he still wanted to get married and saw a future with me.
    And I believed him.
    He let me believe that to keep me sweet so I’d stay and so that he could access me when it suited him to have a girlfriend. To have someone on the arm to bring to weddings and clean the house and the like.

    So he was basically acting like a single man for two years with all the benefits of having a partner at home, his dinners were made and our house was cleaned while he was out cheating on me with god knows who.
    Then
    he decided that actually, the single life was more suited to him after all and I was just an inconvenience, and that was that.

    Bigger fool me for believing his words when his actions said otherwise, I know.
    But when you love someone it’s hard to see the woods from the trees sometimes.
    I was very understanding and patient with his shenanigans cause I believed him when said he was just struggling mentally, and not that his heart wasn’t in the relationship any more.
    I will never forgive him for that. Wasting my time was just cowardly, selfish, and inexcusable.
    The only thing I’m grateful for is that it didn’t go on a second longer than it did cause I would be in an even worse position now otherwise.


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    #544
    Pac1Man
    Registered Users Posts: 4,394 ✭✭✭Pac1Man


    PropBuyer101 wrote: »
    biology gimme a break... like women as individuals dont have their own minds.

    Your 'own mind' is your biology. I don't think it's a stretch to say that the majority of women 30+ will want kids. Of course you will have your outliers that don't, but we need to generalise when having these types of discussions.

    I see this statement a lot that a particular group is not a hive mind or similar. Really? 7 billion people and we're all so individual and original? That sounds very arrogant and Disney like.


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    #545
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Pac1Man wrote: »
    Your 'own mind' is your biology. I don't think it's a stretch to say that the majority of women 30+ will want kids. Of course you will have your outliers that don't, but we need to generalise when having these types of discussions.

    I see this statement a lot that a particular group is not a hive mind or similar. Really? 7 billion people and we're all so individual and original? That sounds very arrogant and Disney like.


    your own mind is not solely biology its made up of experiences and personality. to call women who do not want or do not have kids as outliers is so backwards. you need to travel more and get out of your bubble and maybe talk to people and use a bigger perspective rather than your small narrow one - that would be helpful.


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    #546
    Pac1Man
    Registered Users Posts: 4,394 ✭✭✭Pac1Man


    PropBuyer101 wrote: »
    your own mind is not solely biology its made up of experiences and personality.

    How do you know biology is affected by experiences? Is that just a made up statement?
    PropBuyer101 wrote: »
    to call women who do not want or do not have kids as outliers is so backwards.

    Those who don't want them are in the minority rather. I didn't intend outliers to appear as a negative.


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    #547
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Pac1Man wrote: »
    I see this statement a lot that a particular group is not a hive mind or similar. Really? 7 billion people and we're all so individual and original? That sounds very arrogant and Disney like.

    The problem with generalising when it comes to women though is that it tends to err on the side of everything from objectifying to outright misogynistic. If we weren’t aware of biology already, we’re acutely reminded of it everyday after 30 from people that usually don’t know the first thing about our lives or our goals. Even then the biology argument tends to be thrown at us as an insult - 35+ you’re falling off a cliff and selfish to be waiting any longer.

    The fact is that the trend for the last few decades has been towards later in life parenthood and that’s in no small part because of dating apps, and careers being things we can have now, and freedom giving us more choice than previous generations. So women are exercising that choice, with some choosing to have them later, and for some that will mean missing out, for others that will mean reproductive assistance and for many, it means choosing not to have them at all.


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    #548
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    bitofabind wrote: »
    The problem with generalising when it comes to women though is that it tends to err on the side of everything from objectifying to outright misogynistic. If we weren’t aware of biology already, we’re acutely reminded of it everyday after 30 from people that usually don’t know the first thing about our lives or our goals. Even then the biology argument tends to be thrown at us as an insult - 35+ you’re falling off a cliff and selfish to be waiting any longer.

    The fact is that the trend for the last few decades has been towards later in life parenthood and that’s in no small part because of dating apps, and careers being things we can have now, and freedom giving us more choice than previous generations. So women are exercising that choice, with some choosing to have them later, and for some that will mean missing out, for others that will mean reproductive assistance and for many, it means choosing not to have them at all.


    very good post. now i think this should be the concluding remark in this tread and time to close it up.


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    #549
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Don't be worrying about women over 35. We are absolutely fine thanks. Even in cases where life hasn't panned out quite how it was planned most women are fairly resilient and tend to make a perfectly decent life for themselves anyway. They don't need young lads - and not so young lads - telling them where they have gone wrong in life. If people spent more time focusing on themselves rather than commenting on the choices of others life for everyone would be a lot easier.


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    #550
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    This thread will end "some day"


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    #551
    Lux23
    Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    Chris_5339762 wrote: »
    In my experience, they are. I have lost three good relationships because I hesitated when asked the "do you want kids" question. I actually don't want kids, but I didn't even have to say that. My last girlfriend said "I assumed everyone wants kids" and then she dumped me a few days later.


    Its for the best in the end, but in reality, I find that the number of women who aren't desperate for children in their 30s is absolutely minute. Its biology after all.

    Can I just challenge that point and say, lots aren't desperate to have kids - it is just expected of us and that expectation plays havoc with our minds. My partner and I had fertility testing a few months ago and it wasn't good news for either of us, and we both expected to be devastated, but we weren't. It was upsetting for a week or two, but then it became a relief for me and then for him. Kids would have locked us down for the next 20 years, now the possibilities are endless.

    If a kid comes along, great, but I am not spending thousands on fertility treatment.


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    #552
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Deleted User wrote: »
    This thread will end "some day"


    haha ok you win that one - very good :pac::pac::pac::pac:


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    #553
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    PropBuyer101 wrote: »
    haha ok you win that one - very good :pac::pac::pac::pac:

    Ah here, are you a burner account


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    #554
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Ah here, are you a burner account


    huh?


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    #555
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I think the real issue is the word someday.

    Someday bloody someday.


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    #556
    Esse85
    Registered Users Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭Esse85


    I wonder do many ladies want to have kids because all their friends have them and they don't want to be the odd one out versus they actually genuinely want kids. The pressure ramps up around the early to mid 30s as most of their peer group are having kids then.

    Very hard to get people to be honest about that. Seems to be natural order after marriage, as routine as dessert following on from dinner.


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    #557
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Esse85 wrote: »
    I wonder do many ladies want to have kids because all their friends have them and they don't want to be the odd one out versus they actually genuinely want kids. The pressure ramps up around the early to mid 30s as most of their peer group are having kids then.

    Very hard to get people to be honest about that. Seems to be natural order after marriage, as routine as dessert following on from dinner.


    completely agree - think with some people its indoctrinated rather than a process of thinking about and concluding that's what you really want


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    #558
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,420 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    Esse85 wrote: »
    I wonder do many ladies want to have kids because all their friends have them and they don't want to be the odd one out versus they actually genuinely want kids. The pressure ramps up around the early to mid 30s as most of their peer group are having kids then.

    Very hard to get people to be honest about that. Seems to be natural order after marriage, as routine as dessert following on from dinner.



    I'd seriously doubt that any woman (or man) has children in response to peer pressure. We have two under the age of 3, both of whom were planned and very much wanted. Despite all of that, it's still bloody hard work and it's relentless. My 3 year old is more demanding than any Type-A colleague or boss I've ever encountered. Most intending parents are pretty aware of that. There's simply no way anybody kids because all their mates are doing it. It's not like going out and buying a new sofa!


    Having said all of that, it's the most rewarding and best thing I've ever done. Nothing else comes close.


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    #559
    Esse85
    Registered Users Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭Esse85


    Hamachi wrote: »
    I'd seriously doubt that any woman (or man) has children in response to peer pressure. We have two under the age of 3, both of whom were planned and very much wanted. Despite all of that, it's still bloody hard work and it's relentless. My 3 year old is more demanding than any Type-A colleague or boss I've ever encountered. Most intending parents are pretty aware of that. There's simply no way anybody kids because all their mates are doing it. It's not like going out and buying a new sofa!


    Having said all of that, it's the most rewarding and best thing I've ever done. Nothing else comes close.

    I think your underestimating the stupidity of some people and how easily they are influenced by the herd mentality.


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    #560
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Hamachi wrote: »
    I'd seriously doubt that any woman (or man) has children in response to peer pressure. We have two under the age of 3, both of whom were planned and very much wanted. Despite all of that, it's still bloody hard work and it's relentless. My 3 year old is more demanding than any Type-A colleague or boss I've ever encountered. Most intending parents are pretty aware of that. There's simply no way anybody kids because all their mates are doing it. It's not like going out and buying a new sofa!


    Having said all of that, it's the most rewarding and best thing I've ever done. Nothing else comes close.


    thats great that you feel that way.but not everyone is you and if you do some research you will see that some women do feel peer pressure. google it and come back with some thoughts


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    #561
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Esse85 wrote: »
    I think your underestimating the stupidity of some people and how easily they are influenced by the herd mentality.


    not stupidity but naivety or trying to please or to fulfill a role or function that society has cast upon them


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    #562
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,420 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    PropBuyer101 wrote: »
    thats great that you feel that way.but not everyone is you and if you do some research you will see that some women do feel peer pressure. google it and come back with some thoughts



    Why the arsey response?


    So it's only women who experience peer pressure to have children then? No man could possibly experience that phenomenon?


    Any person, regardless of gender, is pretty feeble-minded, if they succumb to peer pressure about taking such a fundamental, life-altering step as having children.


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    #563
    SunnySundays
    Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭SunnySundays


    I don't get the comments about the pressure to have kids or having them because friends do. I can't believe anyone is that stupid.


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    #564
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Hamachi wrote: »
    Why the arsey response?


    So it's only women who experience peer pressure to have children then? No man could possibly experience that phenomenon?


    Any person, regardless of gender, is pretty feeble-minded, if they succumb to peer pressure about taking such a fundamental, life-altering step as having children.


    sorry i should have said men and women can feel peer pressure


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    #565
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    SunnySundays wrote: »
    I don't get the comments about the pressure to have kids or having them because friends do. I can't believe anyone is that stupid.


    whats not to get - some people do... some people dont - its the joy of living in human society where everyone is different


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    #566
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,420 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    PropBuyer101 wrote: »
    whats not to get - some people do... some people dont - its the joy of living in human society where everyone is different





    Do you have children yourself?


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    #567
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Hamachi wrote: »
    Do you have children yourself?


    and why does it matter- so you can make a judgement on my opinion on whether i do or i dont..i see how it works


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    #568
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,420 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    PropBuyer101 wrote: »
    and why does it matter- so you can make a judgement on my opinion on whether i do or i dont..i see how it works


    It matters because if you are child-less / child-free, you have limited understanding of the thought processes of those women and men who are considering parenthood.


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    #569
    PropBuyer101
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭PropBuyer101


    Hamachi wrote: »
    It matters because if you are child-less / child-free, you have limited understanding of the thought processes of those women and men who are considering parenthood.


    but thats your experience not everyone has had your experience - that sounds like a limited understanding - when you can only see things from your point of view


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    #570
    Esse85
    Registered Users Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭Esse85


    SunnySundays wrote: »
    I don't get the comments about the pressure to have kids or having them because friends do. I can't believe anyone is that stupid.

    So you think everyone is the same? Wow

    I'm surprised you don't get that.

    Then again I know nothing about you so maybe I shouldn't be surprised.


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    #571
    SunnySundays
    Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭SunnySundays


    Esse85 wrote: »
    So you think everyone is the same? Wow

    I'm surprised you don't get that.

    Then again I know nothing about you so maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

    Not what I said. I just find it hard to believe that people would be stupid enough to have kids for those reasons. I'm not saying there isn't the very small few but I don't think it would be many.


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