Help with getting away from an abusive friend

LegacyUser

My male best friend (whose gay for context) puts me down so much, to the point I have no confidence left.

People tell me I’m pretty. But he makes me feel horrible.

He calls me fat, says I have frizzy hair, says my clothes are ugly, he says how I dress is embarrassing. All under the guise of joking/slagging. I usually say shut up and try laugh it off or say "Aw stop, that's not nice."

When we have a few drinks and I’m dancing he laughs at me and says that I have no rhythm. I’m so sick of it. My confidence is on the floor.

The problem is I’m very attached to him and I’m not sure why. We have been friends for a long time. I talk to him every single day and he very much knows and understands me. But I can’t take anymore put downs. It's a bit like an abusive relationship really. He also never celebrates my successes, but he is quick to point out when I fail.

Last night we were having a few drinks and he said something horrible and I told him I’d had enough. I started crying. He said “but we always do this, why are you crying?” I think I’ve just let it go on for so long that it’s normal to him now, and I recognise that's my fault too for allowing it.

He puts down everyone. Apart from his very pretty friends who he hypes up.

He has a friend who is very photogenic and when I said she’s so pretty, he said “Only in pictures though, not in real life, and I said that to her.”

He's extremely toxic, doesn't uplift me, and I am realising now how mucg he is holding me back. Someone flirted with me recently and I didn't know what to do. I thought "I am disgusting. Why would he be interested in me?" I realised then how much I have internalised all of these "slaggings". I hate myself. I even stopped wearing my favourite runners because he laughed at them and said they were horrible, even though I'd received lots of compliments about them.

I need to get away but I feel absolutely stuck and I guess we are dependent on each other in a way. There is really no point in me bringing any of this up with him, I believe he is far too toxic to take it on board and I'm not sure he is capable of changing. This is far too engrained in his personality at this stage.

Any advice at all for getting away from a person like this would be great. I know now that I need to for my own sanity. Thank you.

Big Bag of Chips

Give yourself a couple of days. Don't answer his calls or texts. If he tries to meet up with you tell him you're not available. He upset you last night and knows it. So you avoiding him for a day or two shouldn't come as a surprise to him.

In a way, if this is how he is with everyone and this is how he has always been with you you can almost excuse it as banter. But, now that you have pointed out to him it upsets you he should make every effort to stop.

If he doesn't then you just phase him out. You actually don't need him as much as you think you do. And if you do walk away and spend less time with him you will more than likely find other friends. Friends who have been avoiding you because of him!

yosser hughes

Ditch him, he's toxic and sounds incredibly shallow. Life's too short for this sort of shyte.

Are you female by any chance? Is he like this with his male friends?

Yurt2

Your friend is a d*ck and a bully.

Don't even bother calling him out on it, he'll get all high and mighty and turn it on you.

Cut him out of your life - full radio silence.

RebeccaK21

This guy isn't your friend. Think about what you actually get from the friendship, I know you say you're dependent on each other, but besides company the friendship isn't meaningful for you. You deserve way more. Just be less available to him and phase him out, he isn't going to change. That kind of thing takes willpower, but the effect he's having on you is holding you back, so I would just focus on that.

1hnr79jr65

First thing you need to correct is that is NOT a friend, that is a bully abuser.

Second talk to someone to assist you with telling the abuser to fk off out of your life if you need support. There is no need for you to stay around so this person can put you down for their own self gratification.

whomadewho

Any advice at all for getting away from a person like this would be great. I know now that I need to for my own sanity. Thank you.[/QUOTE]

He is your best friend op! He is not your friend full stop. I'm all for friendly banter but Friends dont act like that. Cut him loose.

km991148

What's stopping you from ignoring his texts etc?

Seriously, think about that and what the answer is.

I agree with the other posters he is TOXIC and clearly has his own stuff going on which he is projecting on to you. Life is too short to allow this negative energy in your life. I would say walk away...find nice friends who have your back! Remember nasty comments only matter if you believe they are true! Find people who build you up and motivate you to be the best version of yourself. Best of luck😉

mistress_gi

Like other people have pointed out, this person is not your friend. I have a feeling he uses the guise of "saying it like it is" to make himself feel better...
I think you need to figure out why you feel you have to out up with this abuse.
You need to realise you are better and are worth more than being constantly put down.
Once you put yourself first it should be easy enough to walk away.
If you feel the need to tell this person why you're ditching them do, but only if it helps you with closure.
Trust me, being alone is infinitly better than being in bad company!
Good luck OP!

It's a bit like an abusive relationship really. He also never celebrates my successes, but he is quick to point out when I fail.

You know yourself this friendship needs to end




He'll not change and will eventually go back the same again,best way is to go radio silence....someone like that wont reach out/make 1st contact anyway

i had similar situation with a group when i younger wasted years on end being made feel sh1t about everything about me....lifes too short

I eventually just stopped replying,ignored group chats....got rid of phone/social media for months after it,as was determined to not get sucked back in......



Its shít and lonely,its really hard to make new friends here,but no way would i go back to the way i was before......this person is ruining yous head and not your friend.....get rid

Rrrrrr2

Truly bizarre how and why some people put up with this kind of abuse. Cut him lose now ffs.
Be prepared for plenty of bitchiness and stabbing you in the back- just like he does now really but not to your face

Big Bag of Chips

Rrrrrrr2,

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Thanks,
BBoC

ClosedAccountFuzzy

That's not a friendship. He's a being a bully and expecting loyalty and respect by treating you badly.

You can find that personality - the bullying boss, the diva star on the football team, the stage performer who is an absolutely nightmare, the vicious bully holding court as Ms or Mr popularity at school and you get it in friendships and relationships.

He doesn't seem to care about you or respect to, but just expecting you to be his punch bag.

Bullies need someone to punch down and they need their minions.

My advice would be to put your foot down, say it's totally unacceptable and walk away.

There isn't enough time and energy to deal with that kind of behaviour.

Aglomerado

Distance yourself.
Life is too short.
If you meet a friend and they make you feel bad, then they are not a friend.
I've had to do it in the past a couple of times. Even old friends I had known for 20 years.
Too many nights out ruined, it was not worth it. Look after yourself first and foremost.

ClosedAccountFuzzy

I've dropped toxic former friends and, quite honestly, it has to be done.

When you're walking on eggshells or feeling you're being put down by someone, you have to reassess what it's all about.

HildaOgdenx

It's worrying that you mention hating yourself, because of him.

What a pathetic individual he must be that he has to constantly put others down, whether in terms of insulting their appearance or what they wear. Not alone does he not bring anything positive to your life, he brings huge and damaging negativity.

I think you need to drop him as quickly as you possibly can. I know you mentioned being dependent on one another, so it may be easier said than done. But you know now that it has to be done. Your health is being damaged by this so-called friend. You mentioned talking to him daily. Start by cutting that out.

Put yourself first in your thoughts. Talking this out with someone else, perhaps a counsellor, might help you to work on strategies to improve your confidence and belief in yourself, and help you to break away.

Mind yourself.

LegacyUser

Drop him, he's a bitch. Gayness irrelevant - the vast majority of gay lads don't play into the bitchy gay stereotypes, it's toxic behaviour. Pure nastiness, put back on your favourite runners and forget about the dose.

Rubberchikken

Op
this person isn't a friend.
Friends build you up, not tear you down. A friend supports you, they don't knock your confidence.and self esteem.

You don't need this person in your life and you will be all the stronger without them.

Good luck

Senior

As others said, phase him out.

Don't initiate contact. Tell him you are too busy to meet. Etcetera. He will soon get the message.

Then start to work on yourself and improve your self esteem after all the knockings you have taken from him.

ILoveYourVibes

Stop texting him stop hanging with him ..don't go to gatherings you know he will be there at ...if he asks you to go somewhere say ..i can't im so busy.

ClosedAccountFuzzy

Join some groups. There are many things happening in terms of outdoor walking groups, zoom meetups and so on.

Deliberately broaden your circle of friends as the pandemic fades and just let contact with this guy fizzle.

I wouldn’t necessarily be confrontational about it, but be prepared to withdraw contact from someone who is behaving in a toxic way like that. Also don’t get caught into a cycle of trying to fix them. It’s usually a very well established personality trait that does not change.

You’ll get people who are maliciously or spitefully critical like that and you’ll find them in all walks of life too. It’s about making themselves feel good by making someone else feel bad.

Irish “slagging” humour can mask it sometimes but I think we all know when the line is crossed and from your description it really has been.

It’s a sort of a version of Schadenfreude, where someone is getting pleasure from someone else’s misfortune or humiliation. That’s not good humoured banter. It’s downright nastiness.

Dog day

What a nasty piece of work this person is, the very opposite of a true ‘friend’. Fair play to you for recognising the toxicity in this ‘friendship’ OP, sometimes when people abuse us for long enough we can normalise what is abhorrent behaviour.

I’d agree with the posters recommending that you phase him out. Be permanently ‘busy’ when he wants to meet up. No deep conversations or explanations, this bully (for that’s all he is) doesn’t deserve your energy. I know it may be difficult given you know him a long time but you’ll feel so much better without such a nasty, negative individual in your life. Wishing you only good things for the future, including lovely people in your life that build you up, not tear you down.

M_Murphy57

For context, Is he your only close friend or are you both part a bigger circle of good friends?

To me, you've 2 choices:
1) send him a version of what you've written here, then block him and dont contact him again or
2) just block him and dont contact him again, no text first.

You might feel sadness and loneliness for a while , might even be tempted to get in touch but dont.

Also be prepared for him to make up.lies about how it ended, say awful things about you. That's just how narcs like him operate.

Keep your head high and stay out of any drama he tries to kick off when you cut him loose. Eventually he will be "just somebody I used to know" and you'll wonder how you were ever friends with him.

James Bond Junior

I'm not one to post in PI ever but I clicked in as I have a person I want to cut out. Funnily enough a gay man also who enjoys nothing more than putting others down in the same way. A few years ago, two female friends of his both messaged him in tandem and told him that they no longer wished to be friends with him and wished him the best of luck but don't contact them again. These people had known him for decades and would have been his closest friends. He was hugely upset by it at the time and tbh it was what he needed to hear.

I have decided that I am phasing him out of my life also. I don't need to be as blunt as the two ladies were but we drifted apart in recent years. I moved abroad but will return again and I'm just not going to try and resume the friendship. Life is too short for toxic people and anybody who feels it necessary to belittle you to raise themselves up is not a friend, they are a bully.

Maybe cutting him out and making it explicit why you are doing so would cause him to reflect on his behaviour with others. Do what is needed for yourself. Write him a letter if you don't want to do it in person.

antix80

He probably thinks he's sassy like a tv gay.

You realise he's bad for you. Time to make new friends.

B.A._Baracus

Ditch him.
You don't owe him anything. This is all apart of growing as a person. This guy is such a negative impact on your brain box so you throw him away like a used tissue.

I'll say this op, if me and you were friends and you were bringing me down then you'd never hear from me again. If you really annoyed me or did something on me i'd add in an f-off too I would'nt care if you were my only friend in the world. My mental well being is worth more than keeping toxic friendships for the sake of it. Most people would do the same.

JupiterKid

Toxic, nasty, insecure bully.

This person is not your friend. He needs you as an emotional punchbag to make himself feel better. Please cut out this rotten piece of dead wood from your life.

You deserve so much better than to be emotionally belittled, shamed and abused?

Hi OP. I want to comment on how clear an understanding you have been able to articulate in your post here. You know well what you’re dealing with so you’re in a good position now even if it’s an unpleasant situation overall.

Hold yourself to following through now on the decision you’ve made. It’s 100% the right one to make, so don’t let the harm he’s done to your self-confidence undermine your resolve. Nobody, nobody deserves to be treated the way he has treated you, let alone a ‘friend’. But people like that won’t change, no matter what their short term behaviour might suggest.

Tell him you’re tired of him treating you like dirt, demeaning you and leading you to feel awful about yourself. You’re done, end of story. Block him on everything and don’t ever look back.

You’re very ‘together’. You’ll doubtless find real friends, people who’ll remind you how great you really are, quicker than you would with that arsehole hanging his ego from your coat tails.

I wish you well. Leave that eejit in your past.

Stovepipe

get as far away from that guy as possible. he is toxic and corrosive and will only drag you down. Get away.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here. I was a bit worried posting this originally, I was hoping people wouldn't reply to tell me I was at fault for allowing him to treat me the way he did. I'm really grateful for all of the supportive replies, they have really solidified my decision to cut this person out of my life. I already feel better, knowing that I have empowered myself by refusing to put up with any more of his abuse. Thanks again everyone.

LegacyUser

I'm glad to read this update.

Abuse is indeed the correct word. One thing that jumped out at me was how he tried to frame it as though you were the one in the wrong when he went too far and made you cry.

Some people, unfortunately, feel good by putting other people down. These people are best taken in very small doses or avoided altogether.

I was curious that you stated he was gay "for context", this shouldn't have any bearing on your thought process when is comes to assessing your relationship with this person. Some people are just arseholes, regardless of their sexuality. I understand (as much as I can without actually experiencing it) that LGBT people are subjected to various social (and even legal) injustices throughout their lives but this does not give them a free pass to treat other people like dirt. I know a handful of LGBT people and they're sound, chances are you probably do too.

I think you said this as potentially a means of understanding or explaining why he is the way he is. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is how he treats/treated you. The "why" is not your problem, that's on him.

Well done on taking the actions that you have in terms of moving on, easier said than done to break these chains but it's a weight lifted once you do. You're setting the standard in terms of what you expect from a friend, keep it up!

December2012

When the OP said that the other person was gay for context, I assume that was to state that there was no sexual / attraction / crush history between them, and that their "friendship" was purely platonic

I am me123

The words 'abusive' and 'friend' should never be in a sentence.
If this person were really a friend they would know about appropriate boundries when it comes to humour.

JustAThought

Some of the most hurtful and cruel things that have been ever said to me were by a ‘friend’ or someone supposed to be close to me - in a way designed for maximum cruelty and to be shrugged off as a ‘joke’ or ‘for my own good’ or ‘I’m always like that/ like that with everyone’ ’ to make them able to shrug it off or not be seen as a total bitch if it was repeated.

This person is being calculatedly cruel to you. You ate right to draw a line and remove them from your life. It sounds as if they are very manipulative and will try to weasel their way back into the same situation with you as co-dependant (one abusive) friends. Spread your wings and find another circle without him in it. Meetup.com has lots of different types of groups and activities and people and are back meeting in many cases now. have a look & I’m sure you can find a few that are wirth trying or that might be of interest. Don’t tell this guy and don’t ask him along out of misguided loyalty or kindness. People like this rarely change. For a ‘friend’ to have put you off your favourite gear and then made you cry and then try to shrug it off is profoundly grotesque. He sounds like a cruel and messed up person. Don’t get involved with him, and block him on your phone and social media if you must. He knows what he’s done. Don’t let him weasel or guilt himself back into resuming the same toxic friendship. The only thing he will miss is his ability to go out and bitch and be cruel. Don’t be his whipping post. Plenty of great gay guys out there. Block him.

chattering

You may feel a bit strange at first when you cut out the toxic friend, but as you get used to the new normal, you will realise you are better off without him. And if you are missing the company, then it is important you look elsewhere for some human interactions. You dont want to feel in anyway at a loss for something to do or somewhere to go just because you have moved on. Think of a few things you can say if he gets in touch- things that wont change the fact that you are moving on without him, but will close down any thoughts he might have that you are getting back together.

MIRMIR82

Hi OP,

I really thought this post was my sister writing it - she was in the exact same position as you. Gay best friend was toxic for her - always wanted to be the centre of attention when he was out and put everyone else down in sly-slagging ways like you said. He used my sister anytime a relationship he had failed and then when he got a new partner she wouldn't hear from him for months on end. She eventually cut him off completely and is so so happy she did now. She really doesn't have any regrets at all now. I honestly think he is the reason she is still single as he never approved of anyone that showed interest in her. CUT HIM OUT!!