Help with getting away from an abusive friend

LegacyUser

I'm glad to read this update.

Abuse is indeed the correct word. One thing that jumped out at me was how he tried to frame it as though you were the one in the wrong when he went too far and made you cry.

Some people, unfortunately, feel good by putting other people down. These people are best taken in very small doses or avoided altogether.

I was curious that you stated he was gay "for context", this shouldn't have any bearing on your thought process when is comes to assessing your relationship with this person. Some people are just arseholes, regardless of their sexuality. I understand (as much as I can without actually experiencing it) that LGBT people are subjected to various social (and even legal) injustices throughout their lives but this does not give them a free pass to treat other people like dirt. I know a handful of LGBT people and they're sound, chances are you probably do too.

I think you said this as potentially a means of understanding or explaining why he is the way he is. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is how he treats/treated you. The "why" is not your problem, that's on him.

Well done on taking the actions that you have in terms of moving on, easier said than done to break these chains but it's a weight lifted once you do. You're setting the standard in terms of what you expect from a friend, keep it up!

December2012

When the OP said that the other person was gay for context, I assume that was to state that there was no sexual / attraction / crush history between them, and that their "friendship" was purely platonic

I am me123

The words 'abusive' and 'friend' should never be in a sentence.
If this person were really a friend they would know about appropriate boundries when it comes to humour.

JustAThought

Some of the most hurtful and cruel things that have been ever said to me were by a ‘friend’ or someone supposed to be close to me - in a way designed for maximum cruelty and to be shrugged off as a ‘joke’ or ‘for my own good’ or ‘I’m always like that/ like that with everyone’ ’ to make them able to shrug it off or not be seen as a total bitch if it was repeated.

This person is being calculatedly cruel to you. You ate right to draw a line and remove them from your life. It sounds as if they are very manipulative and will try to weasel their way back into the same situation with you as co-dependant (one abusive) friends. Spread your wings and find another circle without him in it. Meetup.com has lots of different types of groups and activities and people and are back meeting in many cases now. have a look & I’m sure you can find a few that are wirth trying or that might be of interest. Don’t tell this guy and don’t ask him along out of misguided loyalty or kindness. People like this rarely change. For a ‘friend’ to have put you off your favourite gear and then made you cry and then try to shrug it off is profoundly grotesque. He sounds like a cruel and messed up person. Don’t get involved with him, and block him on your phone and social media if you must. He knows what he’s done. Don’t let him weasel or guilt himself back into resuming the same toxic friendship. The only thing he will miss is his ability to go out and bitch and be cruel. Don’t be his whipping post. Plenty of great gay guys out there. Block him.

chattering

You may feel a bit strange at first when you cut out the toxic friend, but as you get used to the new normal, you will realise you are better off without him. And if you are missing the company, then it is important you look elsewhere for some human interactions. You dont want to feel in anyway at a loss for something to do or somewhere to go just because you have moved on. Think of a few things you can say if he gets in touch- things that wont change the fact that you are moving on without him, but will close down any thoughts he might have that you are getting back together.

MIRMIR82

Hi OP,

I really thought this post was my sister writing it - she was in the exact same position as you. Gay best friend was toxic for her - always wanted to be the centre of attention when he was out and put everyone else down in sly-slagging ways like you said. He used my sister anytime a relationship he had failed and then when he got a new partner she wouldn't hear from him for months on end. She eventually cut him off completely and is so so happy she did now. She really doesn't have any regrets at all now. I honestly think he is the reason she is still single as he never approved of anyone that showed interest in her. CUT HIM OUT!!