Carbonara sauce is a scam

Snickers Man

hynesie08 wrote: »

Lads, sorry if it's been asked, but is there cream in carbonara?

There is in mine And mushrooms if I have them. And pancetta me arse!! What's wrong with a pack of Galtee rashers??

Disclaimer: I'm not Italian. (you might have guessed)

glaswegian

Funniest thread on here by a mile, ma ribs are genuinely aching.:D

Cordell

Rub some cream on them.

ablelocks

suicide_circus wrote: »

Add 4 beaten egg yolks onto pasta and stir, add grated parmesan, black pepper, a little chopped parsley.

Most important part is making sure the pan is not too hot when the egg yolks go in so they dont scramble.

here's a tip for the eggs, so they don't scramble.

Add a teaspoon of table salt, then beat them. The salt thins the egg slightly so that when it comes in contact with the hot pasta, it coats the pasta evenly and doesn't scramble.

ozmo

ablelocks wrote: »

here's a tip for the eggs, so they don't scramble.

Add a teaspoon of table salt,.

Because like there isn't enough salt in the pasta water and ham...

ablelocks

ozmo wrote: »

Because like there isn't enough salt in the pasta water and ham...

you may have a point - i add 4 teaspoons to the water.

maybe half a teaspoon in the eggs then, i haven't actually measured it...but it works.

edit - maybe it's as a result of Ozmosis?

PsychoPete

What is the ratio of salt to cream? I assume its 500 grams of salt for every 1 litre of cream you add into your carbonara sauce

COVID

fonecrusher1 wrote: »

Fonecrusher's Carbonara sauce recipe:

- Gently warm some cream
- Add some double cream
- Ever so gently fold in some whipped cream
- Add some milk.
- Gently tear up some good quality billy roll and toss playfully into the sauce.
- Serve aggressively with Dolmio microwave pasta in a bag. (Make sure to reheat the pasta so much it becomes good n mushy)

Bellysimmo! (Enjoy!)

Dear fonecrusher,

You seem like a man who knows his way 'round a modern downlit kitchen.
As the resident AH 'Foodie', perhaps you might help to settle an argument between myself and my good lady wife.

We would very much like to cook the appetising - and soon to be well-known I'm sure - Fonecrusher's Carbonara sauce (reproduced above).
The problem is, the only cream we can find in the refrigerator is an aerosol can of 'Tesco Real Dairy Spray Cream' (250G).
Herself feels that this is some sort of imitation cream and would be viewed as verboten by someone as esteemed, and experienced in the culinary arts, as your good self.

I opined that you weren't one of those snobby fellows, 'off the telly', and would probably give us an encouraging thumbs-up regarding the use of the Tesco 'spray'.

What say you?
Bellysimmo in advance!
Yours in cream,
Covid.

Btw, neither do we have any quality billy roll to toss playfully into the sauce (as suggested in your cooking instructions).
Would unused toilet roll serve as an adequate alternative I wonder?

46 Long

ozmo wrote: »

Because like there isn't enough salt in the pasta water and ham...

Exactly Ozmo. In fact, there's so little salt in the pasta water and ham that you should add a Chicken stock cube to the pasta water to make your pasta taste better.

Porklife

I like to add a dash of salt to my cream before gently adding it to the guacamole. Now I haven't tried this myself but a friend swears by adding a cadburys cream egg right at the end before serving. He's been to Rome so I trust his opinion.

Effects

Porklife wrote: »

I like to add a dash of salt to my cream before gently adding it to the guacamole.

You don't put cream in guacamole. You use mayonnaise.

fonecrusher1

COVID wrote: »

The problem is, the only cream we can find in the refrigerator is an aerosol can of 'Tesco Real Dairy Spray Cream' (250G).

Hmm... I never considered this variation of cream. I'm sure its fine, just add some powered milk and tap water to get that silky smooth classic real Italian creamy carbonara texture.

COVID wrote: »

Btw, neither do we have any quality billy roll to toss playfully into the sauce (as suggested in your cooking instructions).
Would unused toilet roll serve as an adequate alternative I wonder?

Although toilet roll has a similar ratio of pork-like tissue it really is best to source some good fresh billy roll from your local billy roll shop.

*I forgot to mention as a garnish sprinkle some crushed cheese puffs on each serving and it really is best to accompany this dish with a cool glass of salted cream. And remember.... real carbonara doesn't have eggs in it.

Neyite

Cordell wrote: »

Rub some cream on them.

Is there no end to the uses of Sudocrem?

Zaph

fonecrusher1 wrote: »

Although toilet roll has a similar ratio of pork-like tissue it really is best to source some good fresh billy roll from your local billy roll shop.

Tesco is my nearest billy roll shop, but I fear that their product may not be of sufficiently high quality to do your recipe justice. Would Caviston's or James Whelan's billy roll be OK to use, or should I try and source some from an Italian artisanal producer online?

COVID

Neyite wrote: »

Is there no end to the uses of Sudocrem?

Not sure about that one.
Again, it's probably best to defer to 'fonecrusher'.
But doesn't Sudocrem have quite a sharp, astringent taste, not unlike, Heinz Salad Cream, which, incidentally, many a parent has used on their infants as a soothing balm for nappy rash!

partyguinness

46 Long wrote: »

Ok, but you know what goes into the prepared sauce too. I mean, it literally tells you on the side of the jar.

Preferring your own version is fine but there's nothing harmful in the Tesco/Dolmio one.

There is a general saying about the foods (paraphrasing) and cooking:

"Don't use it if your grandmother would not recognise it"

Out of curiosity, how often do you cook with "Modified Maize Starch, Salt, Dehydrated Cheese (Milk), Concentrated Lemon Juice (contains Sulphites), Egg Yolk Powder, Flavourings (contains Celery, Milk), Stabiliser (Xanthan Gum)"

Like most bought processed foods, we have no idea how much went in, who prepared it, where it was prepared, where the ingredients were sourced and prepared, how much of it can you trust..the next big food scandal is only around the corner,

COVID

partyguinness wrote: »

There is a general saying about the foods (paraphrasing) and cooking:

"Don't use it if your grandmother would not recognise it"

Out of curiosity, how often do you cook with "Modified Maize Starch, Salt, Dehydrated Cheese (Milk), Concentrated Lemon Juice (contains Sulphites), Egg Yolk Powder, Flavourings (contains Celery, Milk), Stabiliser (Xanthan Gum)"

Bless her heart, but my grandmother doesn't even recognise me anymore.

Cordell

Neyite wrote: »

Is there no end to the uses of Sudocrem?

If it works at one end, why shouldn't it work at the other?

partyguinness

COVID wrote: »

Bless her heart, but my grandmother doesn't even recognise me anymore.

Lucky for her.

Neyite

COVID wrote: »

Not sure about that one.
Again, it's probably best to defer to 'fonecrusher'.
But doesn't Sudocrem have quite a sharp, astringent taste, not unlike, Heinz Salad Cream, which, incidentally, many a parent has used on their infants as a soothing balm for nappy rash!

True. And lets not forget the other universal cure of flat 7up. I imagine a dash of that to a Carbonara would be a wonderful boost to the immune system as well as adding a citrusy tang to the dish.

frozenfrozen

Effects wrote: »

You don't put cream in guacamole. You use mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise is just cream of the egg. Cadburys make it

Ultrflat

The poster in this thread deserves to be taken out and shot in front of his family for crimes against culinary practices. :mad:

gozunda

For a festive treat - may I suggest this authentic variation...

partyguinness

I get the jellied hoops and basil. But what in God's name are the pink yolks?

Surreptitious

partyguinness wrote: »

I get the jellied hoops and basil. But what in God's name are the pink yolks?

They look like flogs, the sweets

El Tarangu

Zaph wrote: »

Tesco is my nearest billy roll shop, but I fear that their product may not be of sufficiently high quality to do your recipe justice. Would Caviston's or James Whelan's billy roll be OK to use, or should I try and source some from an Italian artisanal producer online?

Its funny you mention billy roll, because something that's the whole go these days (and can cost a fortune to boot) is mortadella, which is basically billy roll with a few flecks of pistachio.

partyguinness wrote: »

There is a general saying about the foods (paraphrasing) and cooking:

"Don't use it if your grandmother would not recognise it"

Out of curiosity, how often do you cook with "Modified Maize Starch, Salt, Dehydrated Cheese (Milk), Concentrated Lemon Juice (contains Sulphites), Egg Yolk Powder, Flavourings (contains Celery, Milk), Stabiliser (Xanthan Gum)"

Like most bought processed foods, we have no idea how much went in, who prepared it, where it was prepared, where the ingredients were sourced and prepared, how much of it can you trust..the next big food scandal is only around the corner,

While you are right in general as regards processed food, the "granny wouldn't recognise it" axiom is a bit simplistic - for example, my granny would not have recognised rocket, which is perfectly good for you, whereas she would be very familiar with rashers, which contain ingredients far, far more harmful to human health than any of the ingredients listed above.

Neyite

partyguinness wrote: »

I get the jellied hoops and basil. But what in God's name are the pink yolks?

Something off the Bushtucker trial?

partyguinness

El Tarangu wrote: »

While you are right in general as regards processed food, the "granny wouldn't recognise it" axiom is a bit simplistic - for example, my granny would not have recognised rocket, which is perfectly good for you, whereas she would be very familiar with rashers, which contain ingredients far, far more harmful to human health than any of the ingredients listed above.

To be fair rocket is a type of lettuce so you are really splitting hairs. She would recognise lettuce. There is quite a lot of worldwide exotic foods she and I would not recognise but in the context of the crap put into processed food you know what it means.

Rashers nowadays contains all sorts of sulphates and antibiotics which did not exist back in Granny's day. I do not eat rashers or bacon I hasten to add (no, I am not Jewish), The sight of it makes me sick.

JustAThought

partyguinness wrote: »

To be fair rocket is a type of lettuce so you are really splitting hairs. She would recognise lettuce. There is quite a lot of worldwide exotic foods she and I would not recognise but in the context of the crap put into processed food you know what it means.

Rashers nowadays contains all sorts of sulphates and antibiotics which did not exist back in Granny's day. I do not eat rashers or bacon I hasten to add (no, I am not Jewish), The sight of it makes me sick.

Yea - but if you can get past the white scum oozing out of them ( more uses for your toilet roll stash - a few dabs will cure it) they taste DELICIOUS. mmmm

Not a fan of cream thou.

fonecrusher1

Zaph wrote: »

Tesco is my nearest billy roll shop, but I fear that their product may not be of sufficiently high quality to do your recipe justice. Would Caviston's or James Whelan's billy roll be OK to use, or should I try and source some from an Italian artisanal producer online?

Its more important that the billy roll has a No meat promise. Its a guarantee that only reclaimed animal tissue, offal and pulped skeletal cartridge is the main component in this heavenly meat-like product.

If you go into any authentic Italian restaurant kitchen you'll find billy roll and gallons of cream for the carbonara.