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Do bullies know they're bullies?
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I think a lot of people are or have been a bully.
Bullying takes many forms, physical, emotional, exclusion just to name a few.
Just like the animal kingdom, humans tend to take advantage of a person’s inferiority for their own personal gain.
I remember a young chap who was constantly being bullied and teased for being obese. He would try to shift the attention and bully a perceived to be smart nerd who appeared to be quite weak and timid.
Bullying happens throughout life. In school, clubs and the workplace. A lot of people yearn to be respected by others and will pick on weaker individuals who are on the same journey as them to emphasize their own authority.
Most people do this unknown to themselves or try to rationalize their behavior.
It’s an awful pity people don't self reflect on their own actions and behaviors. I think as a society we lack empathy.
I too have been bullied and have bullied others. I find self reflection a great habit to identify my toxic behaviors. I sometimes ask myself, how would I feel if someone said that or did that to me? How would I feel if someone did that to my daughter or made my son feel that way.
The above is only my opinion. I could be wrong.
‘Treat other how you would like to be treated’.0 -
Airyfairy12 wrote: »Everyones different but I think in some cases theres a lack of self awareness, denial and arrogance/entitlement. Too often I hear of people who are generally pretty horrible to others lose their mind when anyone criticizes them or treats them in a similar way.
I used to know a woman called Mary who was in my friend group, there was another girl in the group, Ill call her Ann who she used to bully. They lived together for a short time and this was when the bullying started, Ann had to lock her bedroom door to stop Mary going in and letting her other friends sleep in Anns beds and take her clothes when Ann went home for weekends.
Mary would leave her dishes in the sink and pressure Ann into washing them, eat Anns food, spread rumours behind her back around their circle and college year group.
When it came to Ann moving out she went home for the weekend and came back on the Monday to take her stuff, when hse arrived at the house Mary unbeknownst to Ann had a spare key for Anns room, she took all of Annes stuff out of her room, dumped all her belongings in the hall, threw the contents of the bin on top of her clothes and for years kept bringing up the private things she found in Anns room and threatened to tell people/made fun of her/hinted at it infront of other people.
The rumours Mary was spreading got so bad that Ann started to get very depressed. She didnt know it was Mary spreading rumours just felt like half of her classmates were avoiding her/whispering behind her back and she didnt know why. For example one night we were at a small party and Ann left the room to use the bathroom, when she left Mary goes 'Ann is really unnatractive' and bitched about her constantly, shared one or two made up embarrassing stories, then Ann came back and Mary went back to speaking to Ann like they were best friends, it was so strange to see the switch in Marys demeanor and attitude.
Ann thought herself and Mary were still friends and had moved on from the living situation but because of feeling excluded and disliked all the time by people in their group and in college she told Mary she was feeling suicidal, Mary told her she should kill herself if that's what she really wants to do.
After all that said, Mary constantly posts body positivity posts on facebook, status about being kind and having empathy, constantly sings her own praises and talks about mental health and being there for others. She's even been interviewed by a very well known brand about showing love for others and mental health awareness, she's had her face plastered all over billboards and magazines spreading this positive message.
Dont know if she genuinely believes herself to be caring and empathetic, if she's delusional or a narcissist.
Why did nobody stick up for Ann?? Why has nobody called out Mary?0 -
Sadly I find the answer to be...
(A) people do not care.
or
(B) it's morally justified. They don't see anything wrong with it. In fact, you brought on their behaviour blah blah.
Remember folks, everyone is right in this world.0 -
If everybody who goes throught life is either a bully or a victim, does that actually mean bullying is a part of life, those who want to inflict it on others will?0
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My experiences have left me tending towards asking as many questions of self-proclaimed victims as wondering about all the supposed "bullies" out there
Bullying is up there as one of the most overused terms you see thrown about, along with narcissism maybe. It's not something I personally see much of in the adult realm of affairs.
Often it turns out that you've communication issues between someone who is unhappy with their own passivity after the fact, and the other party probably oblivious to whatever it was that supposedly went down.0 -
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If everybody who goes throught life is either a bully or a victim, does that actually mean bullying is a part of life, those who want to inflict it on others will?
And most people are both at different times. Yeah there's a natural aspect to it. But it should certainly be controlled. We temper our worst (natural) instincts in all kinds of ways and this is another of those instincts that needs to be curtailed.
P.s. Individual differences and all that0 -
I know of two managers who bullied staff into crying at their desks but they were oh so proud of their Pieta House darkness in light morning walk
Doing the walk purely to get likes, not because they were good people0 -
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I think it depends on the bully. But generally the worse ones are those who loathe themselves and take it out on others to feel better, so, yes, that type knows - and that can often make it worse.0
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why didnt you tell Ann that Mary wasnt really her friend and what she was up to?
also if I knew what you know, I would try to have mary outed like ellen was.
I think Ann knew but as Mary was part of the friend group I think she felt afraid to stand up to her incase she was left with no one although there were times that she called her out on things Mary was doing.
I did stand up for Ann a couple of times but tbh it's shocking to see how many people just stand by and do nothing or worse, join in.
Youd expect people to be empathetic and try to help in any small way but people dont, either they dont want to get involved, are just happy the bullying is directed at someone else and not them or they feel a bit of contempt towards the person being bullied like they must deserve it or brought in on themselves in some way.
It's very hard to call out someone who is so good at manipulating other people. If it was so easy I dont think bullying would be so common.
In Marys case she used sympathy to get people to like and trust her, she comes across quite vulnerable but very warm, she's articulate and expresses such love and care for her friendships albeit regularly publicly on facebook etc. Her friendships are quite intense while they last.
That said I don't believe she has any long standing friendships as people eventually find out what she's like.
I remember one night she arrived unannounced to a mutual friends house after a night out at about 2 in the morning, this mutual friend had children asleep in the house and was in bed herself.
Mary rang the doorbell a couple of times and when there was no answer she became irritated so tried to kick the front door down. She was seen on the camera outside the house. Not sure what actions where taken but I met our mutual friend while out and she told me the whole story, Mary had never even mentioned it. When I brought it up with her she didnt deny it.
This mutual friend was so surprised, she never imagined Mary would be the type of person to ever do such a thing. Mary will call herself a pacifist and express herself as somebody who is loving and considerate of everyone.
It always amazed me how much of a hypocrite she is/was although I havnt spoken to her in a number of years, maybe she's changed but I very much doubt she has.0 -
I'm 54 now and that happened when i was 13 and I still think about it to his day, so that's the effect it has.He actually was a bright guy but regarded bullying me as just a normal part of his day. I'd punch him hard in the face if I met him now , that's how much it has affected me,and Im not a violent man.
I have the same feelings towards someone who was in my class in secondary school in Limerick. This particular person was the type who didn't suffer fools gladly. I was quite shy and awkward in school and was seen as a fool by him. He treated me with contempt throughout my time there. In 2nd year I was bullied daily because I spoke with a low mumbling voice mainly out of shyness. The bullying stopped after a few months but in the second half of 6th year he decided to start it up again merely out of spite. Most of the class decided to do it too following his example. When I think back of those times I'm surprised with myself that I didn't go and top myself at the time because I felt so awful in the place. It affected me for years.
23 years on I came across the same person on Instagram again. He was showing off his clothes alterations shop and posing for pictures in Florida with Jack Black. The feelings of inadequacy and anger came flooding back again and I wished that he was in front of me so that I could tell him exactly what he done to me, or punch him or both. I just put my phone down and thought of all the good things I have in my life at the moment and the anger eventually subsided. Anyway my point is that these people's actions can have a lifetime effect on a person's psychological wellbeing. Most bullies however are devoid of any decency or empathy to ever realise or care about this.0 -
There's plenty of people that'll cry when anyone tries to manage them at all
We as a country struggle to empathise with management tbh. As soon as anyone is paid to ask us to do something we start treating them like ****e.
And then pretend they bullied us by asking.0 -
Airyfairy12 wrote: »I think Ann knew but as Mary was part of the friend group I think she felt afraid to stand up to her incase she was left with no one although there were times that she called her out on things Mary was doing.
I did stand up for Ann a couple of times but tbh it's shocking to see how many people just stand by and do nothing or worse, join in.
Youd expect people to be empathetic and try to help in any small way but people dont, either they dont want to get involved, are just happy the bullying is directed at someone else and not them or they feel a bit of contempt towards the person being bullied like they must deserve it or brought in on themselves in some way.
It's very hard to call out someone who is so good at manipulating other people. If it was so easy I dont think bullying would be so common.
In Marys case she used sympathy to get people to like and trust her, she comes across quite vulnerable but very warm, she's articulate and expresses such love and care for her friendships albeit regularly publicly on facebook etc. Her friendships are quite intense while they last.
That said I don't believe she has any long standing friendships as people eventually find out what she's like.
I remember one night she arrived unannounced to a mutual friends house after a night out at about 2 in the morning, this mutual friend had children asleep in the house and was in bed herself.
Mary rang the doorbell a couple of times and when there was no answer she became irritated so tried to kick the front door down. She was seen on the camera outside the house. Not sure what actions where taken but I met our mutual friend while out and she told me the whole story, Mary had never even mentioned it. When I brought it up with her she didnt deny it.
This mutual friend was so surprised, she never imagined Mary would be the type of person to ever do such a thing. Mary will call herself a pacifist and express herself as somebody who is loving and considerate of everyone.
It always amazed me how much of a hypocrite she is/was although I havnt spoken to her in a number of years, maybe she's changed but I very much doubt she has.
Maybe I have lived a sheltered life, but Mary sounds like a very extreme example? Is her behaviour something that happens regularly?0 -
Estella Scary Sacrifice wrote: »Maybe I have lived a sheltered life, but Mary sounds like a very extreme example? Is her behaviour something that happens regularly?
I dont know, I stopped speaking to her after college when I no longer had to be around her.
I dont think it is an extreme example, bullies will ruin a persons life just because they can.0 -
often thought of writing a letter to the one who bullied me but then i realize it would only make them happy0
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The one who I had to deal with in a work context would just loathe me or anybody from my team for actually doing well.
That would be his trigger. If anybody me included, fûcked up, it would be front page news on the end of day shift report.
When it was my turn to do the daily shift report, issues were reported, I never felt need to mention names, my manager didn’t ask for them. If there had been a boo boo I’m for sure hanging it on mitigating circumstances like short staffing, an outage in IT software, or whatever and on occasion somebody genuinely fûcked up, it was WE not Jim or Karen who due to an oversight...
That drove him crackers... he WANTED constantly to nail people. He tried to hit a 55 year old guy with his ‘remedial training ‘ hammer... he loved that, despite the guy with 20 years experience making on average one mistake a year.... remedial training, right...0 -
I think that Bullies know what they are doing and enjoy it!
My son was bullied a few years ago by a brat and his gang, he was called names like retard and loser even in front of me. He was threatened, followed, tripped. I stopped him from going out and they would come to the garden call him names, they would even shout in the window, threaten him and then run. One little f..... told him he should kill himself. When I went to the parents I got no good out of them.
In secondary school their were 15 of them giving him a hard time and everytime one got into trouble another took over. They bullied him in class so badly that the teachers used to have to take him out.
It took us over two years to stop it and we had to get the Community Guards involved. It nearly broke him but luckily he had and still has a good group of friends that helped him through it.0 -
I think that Bullies know what they are doing and enjoy it!
My son was bullied a few years ago by a brat and his gang, he was called names like retard and loser even in front of me. He was threatened, followed, tripped. I stopped him from going out and they would come to the garden call him names, they would even shout in the window, threaten him and then run. One little f..... told him he should kill himself. When I went to the parents I got no good out of them.
In secondary school their were 15 of them giving him a hard time and everytime one got into trouble another took over. They bullied him in class so badly that the teachers used to have to take him out.
It took us over two years to stop it and we had to get the Community Guards involved. It nearly broke him but luckily he had and still has a good group of friends that helped him through it.
I'm sorry to hear your son has had to go through all of that. It's such a shame that the parents of these brats rarely ever acknowledge that their children aren't the angels they think they are. I often wonder also does the apple fall far from the tree in these cases, too.
It's reached the stage where a person would consider putting a camera on their son or daughter to get indisputable proof of the bullying to force parents/schools into doing something about it. Although in this case those young lads weren't even afraid to show their attitudes in front of you - which shows how bad they are..!0 -
The one who I had to deal with in a work context would just loathe me or anybody from my team for actually doing well.
That would be his trigger. If anybody me included, fûcked up, it would be front page news on the end of day shift report.
When it was my turn to do the daily shift report, issues were reported, I never felt need to mention names, my manager didn’t ask for them. If there had been a boo boo I’m for sure hanging it on mitigating circumstances like short staffing, an outage in IT software, or whatever and on occasion somebody genuinely fûcked up, it was WE not Jim or Karen who due to an oversight...
That drove him crackers... he WANTED constantly to nail people. He tried to hit a 55 year old guy with his ‘remedial training ‘ hammer... he loved that, despite the guy with 20 years experience making on average one mistake a year.... remedial training, right...
Some do and some don't, for example, if a child is ashamed of their parents/ background/ the fact that they live in a council house, don't have what others have, not just material things. They may lash out without really knowing they are bullies, others know they are bullies and do not care they may be very low in empathy and get pleasure and power from bulling.0 -
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How to deal with a bully. It would over 20 year ago, my son was bullied in school. My wife at the time told my sons teacher. But to no avail, so my wife challegne the boy in the local shop, so in front of everybody in the shop, he quiet politely to her to go fu¢k herself. And the following day he was at my son again, to cut a long story short, I found out and I took a couple of hours of work and took my son to school. At the school gate, my son pointed this boy out, he was bigger and maybe two or three year older than my son. So I grabbed a hold of him lifted of he's feet and told him that I'd be around to his house later on to nail his father to his hall door, if he ever looked crooked at my son again. To be fair the boy was terrified (and he stead well away from my son in the future. I then approach my sons teacher informed him of what I done and asked why he didn't act when he was asked to act on behalf of my son. Needless to say he stormed off to find out what was going on.
I got a phone call later that day of the prinicipal informing me that the school had asked the bully not to go to the guards to press charges against me. I did say to the prinicipal that I'd never step foot into the school again as long as nobody put there hands on my son.
Now I don't know if what I done is right or wrong in some peoples eyes. But at the time there was a few Suicides over bullying. And to be honest I was taking the chance of burying my son so somebodys else's son could have there fun.0 -
when I think of the word bully, I think of one person. the definition of the word, goes out of his way looking for trouble and to have arguments with everyone he meets, beats his girlfriend, beats smaller men and so on. The guy is a total loser, cant hold down a job, no education, no common sense, very insecure, has no friends, is a fat mess. I can not wait until I see his downfall, that will be one sweet day.
Its one category and i would hazard a guess that many of those factors you describe as consistent with a bully. However, I know successful multiple All Ireland winning GAA stars that were bullies in their school days and are still sneaky types and they are the type that are very polished speaking in the media.
Bullies are often pyschopaths and one of the traits of psychopaths is that they are able to rise to positions of power and influence.0
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