Do bullies know they're bullies?

Laughing with Me

You know the way we all hear people talking about bullying? Well, I have to wonder what do bullies think when they hear all this? It must make it even more funny to them that they aren't getting caught. So does this make them quietly gloat to themselves? Or maybe they don't know they're bullies, and this could cause them to instead think back to a time when they were bullied! Or maybe they're thinking something like "well at least the person I bullied definitely deserved it".

Canyon86

I think they are too stupid to think they even are, in my experience bullies have serious personal issues mostly insecure,jealous and miserable in their own lives, and usually hiding behind a keyboard, I enjoy meeting bullies in person as they are usually a lot quieter than their online posts show

bocaman

No not at all. They are actually sad people with many personal issues

Laughing with Me

bocaman wrote: »

No not at all. They are actually sad people with many personal issues

Well that's the narrative we're supposed to believe.

Stovepipe

They know full well what they are doing. When you get bullied as an adult and see them grinning, you know they are enjoying it.

Eduard Khil

Yes yes they do particularly in group settings targeting individual people

Bullies are *****

Away With The Fairies

Stovepipe wrote: »

They know full well what they are doing. When you get bullied as an adult and see them grinning, you know they are enjoying it.

Yep, they pick out one to bully but on their best behaviour for others. You don't just switch from being horrible to nice. So they know exactly what they're doing as bullies.

Pawwed Rig

Laughing with Me wrote: »

You know the way we all hear people talking about bullying? Well, I have to wonder what do bullies think when they hear all this? It must make it even more funny to them that they aren't getting caught. So does this make them quietly gloat to themselves? Or maybe they don't know they're bullies, and this could cause them to instead think back to a time when they were bullied! Or maybe they're thinking something like "well at least the person I bullied definitely deserved it".

I recall many years ago a manager of mine was doing a cycle in aid of Aware quite oblivious to the fact that his bullying had caused one of his staff to seek the services of that same organisation. So no I think they are oblivious and lack empathy on a personal level.

Laughing with Me

Laughing with Me wrote: »

Well that's the narrative we're supposed to believe.

In my youth a bullied a lad. Im very ashamed of my behaviour now and once I realised what I was doing so from about 16 or 17.

The thing is, it was a desperate measure by a kid who was being bullied to get the bullies to like him. It didnt actually work but it did make me part of their gang until they turned on me again.

Now that was in primary school. I moved on in secondary and can say honestly that I didnt get involved in bullying and didnt condone it. Maybe it was just my school but it wasnt really an acceptable activity. It did happen Im sure, but not openly. One lad came out and left the school. I knew him from rugby but that was it. Was he bullied? Did his friends turn on him? I dunno, maybe but I never heard or saw anything.

anyway, Im just giving one example. I cant explain adult bullies who should certainly now better but its possible from the same place as mine was.

coolisin

Depends.

Some people are aware and know what they are doing, these are usually people in "charge" as it's their power trip and power over you.
It was maybe hope they where treated so it's how they now treat the people under them.

Some people are oblivious and would think they are being bullied by someone else's actions even though they are doing the bullying.

miezekatze

I got bullied for most of my childhood and I think if I confronted these people now they would either be completely oblivious or they would give me some reason why it was all my fault. If people knew what they were doing was wrong and how it affects their victims, why is bullying so prevalent and why was it even kind of accepted years ago?

Thelonious Monk

Laughing with Me wrote: »

Well that's the narrative we're supposed to believe.

I always managed to stay on everyone's good side in school, but I know one guy who was a total prick to some of the weaker students. Really nasty at times. He now has a ridiculously beautiful wife, a PhD, and is raking in money working in hedge funds or something like that in London. I met him a couple of times while living there and he's a really cool bloke.

RonanP77

I'm pretty sure they do, they just happen to be a**holes that don't care in most cases.

Wanderer2010

I dont think they would care at all to change their behavior just because there is a label of bully attached to it. They do what they do for personal gain or pleasure or deep insecurity. I also dont buy into the whole miserable behind closed doors theory either. Yes, some of them definitely are and take out their anger on their subordinates or family but a lot are very happy in themselves and use their forceful personality for a successful career and a large family with plenty of money to spare, merely lucky side effects of what they would term a willful personality.

One thing in common with all bullies though, successful or not, is that they are cowards. Absolute yellow belly cowards. I have yet to meet a bully who didnt back down if you stand up to them. Yes, not that easy if its your boss etc and they certainly dont have an epiphany moment where they change their personality but if they try to bully a person who is well able for them, they rarely pick on that person again.

Richard Hillman

No. Everybody tends to think that they are the good guy but normal people can admit to themselves that they can be bad at times and that they are wrong. The most vicious people are absolutely dead set in the belief that they are the good ones. Thinking that you are the bad guy or that you are wrong requires empathy. What I believe is correct and everything else is wrong.

Thelonious Monk

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

One thing in common with all bullies though, successful or not, is that they are cowards. Absolute yellow belly cowards. I have yet to meet a bully who didnt back down if you stand up to them.

Some of the tougher bully types where I grew up were absolutely hard as nails and would beat the sh*t out of anyone who looked at them funny

Sardonicat

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I recall many years ago a manager of mine was doing a cycle in aid of Aware quite oblivious to the fact that his bullying had caused one of his staff to seek the services of that same organisation. So no I think they are oblivious and lack empathy on a personal level.

I doubt he didn't know he was causing his victim psychological harm - that's the point of bullying someone after all. He was doing the cycle for purposes of his image. This is actually fairly typical bully behaviour. I know someone who is a bully and a rabid racist. Openly uses the N word. Is currently pulling the wool over the eyes of a number of people with the opposite view and involved in activism because it's currently getting her what she wants. I'm sitting back waiting for the fall out when her mask inevitably slips.

Airyfairy12

Everyones different but I think in some cases theres a lack of self awareness, denial and arrogance/entitlement. Too often I hear of people who are generally pretty horrible to others lose their mind when anyone criticizes them or treats them in a similar way.

I used to know a woman called Mary who was in my friend group, there was another girl in the group, Ill call her Ann who she used to bully. They lived together for a short time and this was when the bullying started, Ann had to lock her bedroom door to stop Mary going in and letting her other friends sleep in Anns beds and take her clothes when Ann went home for weekends.
Mary would leave her dishes in the sink and pressure Ann into washing them, eat Anns food, spread rumours behind her back around their circle and college year group.
When it came to Ann moving out she went home for the weekend and came back on the Monday to take her stuff, when hse arrived at the house Mary unbeknownst to Ann had a spare key for Anns room, she took all of Annes stuff out of her room, dumped all her belongings in the hall, threw the contents of the bin on top of her clothes and for years kept bringing up the private things she found in Anns room and threatened to tell people/made fun of her/hinted at it infront of other people.

The rumours Mary was spreading got so bad that Ann started to get very depressed. She didnt know it was Mary spreading rumours just felt like half of her classmates were avoiding her/whispering behind her back and she didnt know why. For example one night we were at a small party and Ann left the room to use the bathroom, when she left Mary goes 'Ann is really unnatractive' and bitched about her constantly, shared one or two made up embarrassing stories, then Ann came back and Mary went back to speaking to Ann like they were best friends, it was so strange to see the switch in Marys demeanor and attitude.
Ann thought herself and Mary were still friends and had moved on from the living situation but because of feeling excluded and disliked all the time by people in their group and in college she told Mary she was feeling suicidal, Mary told her she should kill herself if that's what she really wants to do.

After all that said, Mary constantly posts body positivity posts on facebook, status about being kind and having empathy, constantly sings her own praises and talks about mental health and being there for others. She's even been interviewed by a very well known brand about showing love for others and mental health awareness, she's had her face plastered all over billboards and magazines spreading this positive message.

Dont know if she genuinely believes herself to be caring and empathetic, if she's delusional or a narcissist.

whisky_galore

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

One thing in common with all bullies though, successful or not, is that they are cowards. Absolute yellow belly cowards. I have yet to meet a bully who didnt back down if you stand up to them.

How's that supposed to work for weedy kid vs beefy bully? Another narrative that isn't necessarily true.

Church on Tuesday

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I always managed to stay on everyone's good side in school, but I know one guy who was a total prick to some of the weaker students. Really nasty at times. He now has a ridiculously beautiful wife, a PhD, and is raking in money working in hedge funds or something like that in London. I met him a couple of times while living there and he's a really cool bloke.

He doesn't sound like one TBH.

shesty

I always think alcohol can show a true side of someone that might not usually be seen....that guy sounds like one of those.Wonder what he is like after a few drinks.

Sardonicat

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Dont know if she genuinely believes herself to be caring and empathetic, if she's delusional or a narcissist.

I'd wager all of the above are true.

Uncle Pierre

whisky_galore wrote: »

How's that supposed to work for weedy kid vs beefy bully? Another narrative that isn't necessarily true.

Exactly. I was weedy kid in National School, who used to be picked on by two beefy bullies. I remember trying to stand up to them once, and they battered the living sh1te out of me. I never tried it again.

whisky_galore

Uncle Pierre wrote: »

Exactly. I was weedy kid in National School, who used to be picked on by two beefy bullies. I remember trying to stand up to them once, and they battered the living sh1te out of me. I never tried it again.

The standing up to bullies thing only works in Disney movies.

HildaOgdenx

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I recall many years ago a manager of mine was doing a cycle in aid of Aware quite oblivious to the fact that his bullying had caused one of his staff to seek the services of that same organisation. So no I think they are oblivious and lack empathy on a personal level.

I agree that some certainly are oblivious. Often using very underhanded methods to bully. And very lacking in empathy.

The worst bully I witnessed in action, was (except for those of us who saw through him) the most genial, always good humoured, smiling ****er.

I think he literally would not believe it if someone called him a bully.

Ekerot

Uncle Pierre wrote: »

Exactly. I was weedy kid in National School, who used to be picked on by two beefy bullies. I remember trying to stand up to them once, and they battered the living sh1te out of me. I never tried it again.

That's why you bulk up and learn boxing man

Strumms

shesty wrote: »

I always think alcohol can show a true side of someone that might not usually be seen....that guy sounds like one of those.Wonder what he is like after a few drinks.

A saying I’ve always liked the saying .. ‘In vino veritas’... in wine there is truth.

It does tend to with a lot of people enable them to drop their guard, you can see the ‘real’ them

If I’m getting bullied I’m standing up for myself, I don’t care if the person doing the bullying had their mother and best friend die on their birthday, not my problem.

whisky_galore

Ekerot wrote: »

That's why you bulk up and learn boxing man

Not everyone can or wants to do that.

pgj2015

when I think of the word bully, I think of one person. the definition of the word, goes out of his way looking for trouble and to have arguments with everyone he meets, beats his girlfriend, beats smaller men and so on. The guy is a total loser, cant hold down a job, no education, no common sense, very insecure, has no friends, is a fat mess. I can not wait until I see his downfall, that will be one sweet day.

Stovepipe

whisky_galore wrote: »

The standing up to bullies thing only works in Disney movies.

worked for me. I was getting bullied by the same guy in class,over a long time, who had a different face to other people. Until he challenged me to a fight. I was a real weed but this time, I clocked him with my schoolbag and landed a few more digs and ran while he was stunned. he never bothered me after that.

pgj2015

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Everyones different but I think in some cases theres a lack of self awareness, denial and arrogance/entitlement. Too often I hear of people who are generally pretty horrible to others lose their mind when anyone criticizes them or treats them in a similar way.

I used to know a woman called Mary who was in my friend group, there was another girl in the group, Ill call her Ann who she used to bully. They lived together for a short time and this was when the bullying started, Ann had to lock her bedroom door to stop Mary going in and letting her other friends sleep in Anns beds and take her clothes when Ann went home for weekends.
Mary would leave her dishes in the sink and pressure Ann into washing them, eat Anns food, spread rumours behind her back around their circle and college year group.
When it came to Ann moving out she went home for the weekend and came back on the Monday to take her stuff, when hse arrived at the house Mary unbeknownst to Ann had a spare key for Anns room, she took all of Annes stuff out of her room, dumped all her belongings in the hall, threw the contents of the bin on top of her clothes and for years kept bringing up the private things she found in Anns room and threatened to tell people/made fun of her/hinted at it infront of other people.

The rumours Mary was spreading got so bad that Ann started to get very depressed. She didnt know it was Mary spreading rumours just felt like half of her classmates were avoiding her/whispering behind her back and she didnt know why. For example one night we were at a small party and Ann left the room to use the bathroom, when she left Mary goes 'Ann is really unnatractive' and bitched about her constantly, shared one or two made up embarrassing stories, then Ann came back and Mary went back to speaking to Ann like they were best friends, it was so strange to see the switch in Marys demeanor and attitude.
Ann thought herself and Mary were still friends and had moved on from the living situation but because of feeling excluded and disliked all the time by people in their group and in college she told Mary she was feeling suicidal, Mary told her she should kill herself if that's what she really wants to do.

After all that said, Mary constantly posts body positivity posts on facebook, status about being kind and having empathy, constantly sings her own praises and talks about mental health and being there for others. She's even been interviewed by a very well known brand about showing love for others and mental health awareness, she's had her face plastered all over billboards and magazines spreading this positive message.

Dont know if she genuinely believes herself to be caring and empathetic, if she's delusional or a narcissist.

why didnt you tell Ann that Mary wasnt really her friend and what she was up to?

also if I knew what you know, I would try to have mary outed like ellen was.