Forgiving/Unforgiving

IAMAMORON

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I hope you are not reaching here?

Maybe you don't mean it to sound like this, but it is starting to come across as you badgering the poster to explain herself for not realizing her husband was cheating.

She doesn't have to explain herself, and she is the victim in this mess. Her loss can certainly be compared to bereavement as the life she thought she had, the future she assumed was hers and the very foundation of her life was all a lie. None of that is her fault.

No massive trauma is as simple as just getting over it, there is a huge amount to unpack in this mess and what Hayoc is going through is very understandable.

ShatterAlan

Immortal Starlight wrote: »

No because I’d never in reality do it. There’s nothing wrong with finding someone else attractive when you are in a relationship. It’s acting on that attraction and ending up shifting or shagging someone else behind your partners back is the scummy behaviour.

But you said you were tempted, not that you found them attractive.

ShatterAlan

Sardonicat wrote: »

You're not talking about fancying someone else or even kissing them, are you? Can you tell the difference between fancying someone and following through? you've outlined two situations where both parties cynically engaged in sex knowingly behind the back of one or two partners who trusted them to stay faithful. Do you really place the same value on a biscuit as you do on a partner? Do you really think the fall out of eating a stolen biscuit is the same as sleeping with someone's partner or cheating on yours?

Why do you think I woud place value in a biscuit over a partner? You're the one who came up with that bizarre logic. We're talking here about trust or at least a lot of people are and how it can't be restored once it's lost.

ShatterAlan

JoChervil wrote: »

You seem to be very proud of your shared with us experiences and cocky about it. Are you provoking punishment to get absolution?

I am sorry that you can't be trusted.

I'm neither proud nor cocky about it. That's the erroneous conclusion that you've decided to come to.



People can't seem to get their head around the fact that cheating is a natural occurence albeit it hurtful. Humans are (according to the experts) non-monogamous. You hit puberty and then it's all about having sex. Now in our human society we have created this thing called boyfriend girlfriend and that interferes with and gets in the way of the pre-disposal to playing the field until you find the one you want to settle with and raise a family.

Gruffalux

ShatterAlan wrote: »

Why do you think I woud place value in a biscuit over a partner? You're the one who came up with that bizarre logic. We're talking here about trust or at least a lot of people are and how it can't be restored once it's lost.

All emotions exist along a scale. Nuance is important. Quality and quantity are important. In the cases of you stealing a biscuit or betraying a partner I could say I have lost trust in you. In the first case it would be I cannot trust you not to steal my biscuit, you little scallywag! In the second case it would be I cannot trust you not to ruin my life. See. Scale. Small -> Big = Difference.

Immortal Starlight

ShatterAlan wrote: »

But you said you were tempted, not that you found them attractive.

I was tempted because I obviously found the person attractive but absolutely nothing happened ever. There’s no way I’d even kiss someone else if I was in a relationship. The scummy behaviour is shifting or shagging someone else behind your partners back. If I really felt I wanted to be with someone else I’d have finished the relationship I was in at the time first.
Cheating rips lives apart and creates so much hurt and misery especially when there’s children involved. There’s no way I’d do that.

laoisgem

hayoc wrote: »

Never. I was never once suspicious. He had activities that he had always had and he used them as the cover for what he was really up to. So for example, he told me he was going to a work event or a job that entailed going away overnight and this was a normal part of his routine so I didnt suspect anything at all. He must have been setting alarms to remind himself to text me at appropriate times, I would get texts telling me the flight had landed, that the meeting went well, that he was heading to the airport etc... all that the correct times.

I only discovered what was going on completely by accident, I had zero suspicion about any of it. It quite common that the person being cheated on has absolutely no idea.

And of course I am stuck on the adultery and lying - wouldnt you be if you discovered your spouse had been cheating on you and lying to you for years? Its massive trauma. As a result of it I have been diagnosed with anxiety, PTSD, I have hallucinations, I feel unsafe all the time, flashbacks, good sleep is a thing of the past, I wake up every single day and am floored by the shock of it. I am unable to trust anyone, I am too overwhelmed to be around people, I have considered suicide many times, I have developed physical issues as a result of the stress.

I have lost my husband, my home, my family, my belongings, one of my pets, a huge amount of money, my mental and physical health are affected. I cant imagine ever getting over this. Its much much worse than a death, death doesnt carry betrayal with it.

I knew my husband for 30 years. The discovery that he was living a double life and betraying me for years has damaged me for life - how could it not? Ill never be able to trust anyone again. My doctor tells me its the same experience when someone discovers a loved one is a pedophile or rapist or murderer. It shatters your reality to find out that your life was a lie.

I've been following this tread from the beginning and was invested in your story and was feeling worried about you, I won't say sorry for you because that feels like its patronizing

I was going to go anon for the next bit but shur feck it!

I recently found out that my father has sexually assaulted two of my sisters, one from the time she was 11 until she was 16. I can totally empathize with the feeling that your life was a lie but I don't think it's comparable. My mother has been married to my father for 58 and I can't put into words how hurt she was to find this out, she can't understand how it could have happened with her never knowing about it.

So saying all of that, I do think there are deeper issues at play here. You cannot stop living because of what has been done to you. How you react to the situation is not the blame of someone who has done you wrong. When the brain fog has lifted a bit I'll probably add to this but that's it for now. I do wish you well but I also know you can 100% recover from this.

JoChervil

ShatterAlan wrote: »

I'm neither proud nor cocky about it. That's the erroneous conclusion that you've decided to come to.

It's not a conclusion, you sound like boasting about it and in a way like provokingr the judgement from others.

People can't seem to get their head around the fact that cheating is a natural occurence albeit it hurtful. Humans are (according to the experts) non-monogamous. .

I know other experts. Sorry. We are not animals. We have higher feelings.
And surprise surprise it is all cheaters' "mantra".

You hit puberty and then it's all about having sex.

I am sorry that your life is so poor.

Now in our human society we have created this thing called boyfriend girlfriend and that interferes with and gets in the way of the pre-disposal to playing the field until you find the one you want to settle with and raise a family.

Well, you don't need to follow society rules and inform your girfriend, that she is not really your girlfriend only one from your field


And as far as trust is concerned, you seem to think that trust is about everything. It is not and that's why it needs to be earned by being challenged and proving our value in it. And it is earned step by step in different areas. I have one friend I would trust them entirely with money but not about keeping personal secrets. So knowing it I don't confide in them but still I love and enjoy their company and can always count on them in hard times. People are weak in certain areas. And if I know someone is weak in sexual temptation area, maybe I could have them as a friend but not as a partner. People rarely can fulfil all your needs. That's why we have partners, family and friends to be able to fulfil them all with different people.

So I wouldn't trust you about cookies, I wouldn't leave you in my orchard or around my purse unattended (of course, if I minded losing an apple). And obviously I wouldn't like you as a partner of anyone close to me.

weldoninhio

Kylta wrote: »

If your husband/wife/partner was unfaithful to you
Would you forgive them?
Maybe their are kids, mortagages etc involved?
Would you be unforgiving with them?
Would you pack up their gear and kick them out.

They’d be out the door. And wouldn’t be back in.