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Forgiving/Unforgiving
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Immortal Starlight wrote: »That’s something we agree on I don’t like ignoring people either. I know you probably think I’m a weirdo but I’ve felt this way forever. I’ve been tempted a couple of times but never went through with it. It’s just not my thing really. One person at a time is all I can deal with.
Aren't you scum for being tempted?0 -
Please don't. There are people who genuinely love you and they need you here, and time will eat at that pain until it's not the centre of your life anymore. I'm sorry if that sounds trite, I know it does.
I hope you're getting good help with your health issues, and that one day very soon you wake up and feel a little less burdened. There are still lots of good people in the world, including yourself.
The thing that stops me is knowing that while I am still legally married he would inherit my estate. So I gotta hold on until we are divorced at least. Hate is as good a reason as any to keep moving forward.
I actually dont have anyone who loves me. I have no children (and my husband waited until my fertility was behind me to do this, so I can never have children now), I have no family of origin, all dead. My husband and his family were my family - I thought. Then they all ghosted me too. I am completely alone in the world.
I do have friends but the way things are now I cant see most of them, and people have their own lives and families that they are busy with. Im not much fun to be around anymore and I keep thinking people are lying to me so its difficult for me to be with people.
I go to counselling, see my GP, am in an online support group and I ring samaritans sometimes. I eat when Im supposed to eat, I sleep when Im supposed to sleep, I work, I go to the gym, I go for walks. I try to stay busy but I cant ever put the pain aside for even 5 minutes. It permeates everything. All day, every day, I am just trudging forward and there is no joy in it.
Most mornings when I wake up the shock of it just floors me again.
Im so frightened about the future, and just being alone in empty rooms for the rest of my life. Id never be able to go out with anyone again, I would never be able to trust someone again. I would always wonder if were they betraying me. At least now there is no one left to betray me.0 -
H is the thing with your Ex (I assume) a recent thing?
In regards to feeling down and suicidal after a long term relationship ends I can understand that. When relationships end they can become akin to a death. The person who loved you and cared for you is gone, your life becomes discombobulated, you thought pattern is fu¢ked. Your whole life is turned upside down. But in time you will see the light, time is a great healer and tomorrow is a new day. If you are having suicidal thoughts see a doctor, or family member or talk to somebody. Because the way your relationship ended and the way you were treated I would think if you got well and got over your Ex and started to live again. I'd think you would be showing your Ex that your a strong person (in others your basically saying fu©k you to him). If your break up was recently then you should try lick your wounds and slowly begin to live again. In regards to trusting people I would there are more good people out their than bad, and like all media outlets we only here about the bad in people. In time hopefully you will be posting about how you overcame the dark time in your life and offering advice to others. Chin up H
It happened before Christmas. He refused to move out so I moved out at the beginning of the year and a few weeks later covid came.
I have spoken to my doctor and counsellor about how I feel. I dont even mind that the marriage ended. Its the betrayal that has messed me up. Ill never know how deep it went, how long it was going on for, how many women he betrayed me with. Ill never know how much of my marriage was a lie, so I have to assume all of it was a lie. He was making a fool out of me and disrespecting me for at least 3 or 4 years - maybe it goes back further - I dont know. I look back now and everything has a question mark over it. Events that seemed benign at the time, now I wonder were they sinister.
I dont care about what he thinks or about giving him a fu@k you - he does not contact me and doesnt care what has become of me anyway. Im a reminder to him that he is a sh1tty person so he doesnt want to have anything to do with me.
I found out by accident too, its not like he actually stepped up to come clean. In fact, at one point in response to me asking how he could have been using a prostitute and lying straight to my face about it week after week he said that it wasnt about me, I was never meant to know about it, so you know, the intent wasnt to hurt me so that was how he squared that circle. I mean, thats like saying its ok to rape an unconscious person!0 -
The thing that stops me is knowing that while I am still legally married he would inherit my estate. So I gotta hold on until we are divorced at least. Hate is as good a reason as any to keep moving forward.
I actually dont have anyone who loves me. I have no children (and my husband waited until my fertility was behind me to do this, so I can never have children now), I have no family of origin, all dead. My husband and his family were my family - I thought. Then they all ghosted me too. I am completely alone in the world.
I do have friends but the way things are now I cant see most of them, and people have their own lives and families that they are busy with. Im not much fun to be around anymore and I keep thinking people are lying to me so its difficult for me to be with people.
I go to counselling, see my GP, am in an online support group and I ring samaritans sometimes. I eat when Im supposed to eat, I sleep when Im supposed to sleep, I work, I go to the gym, I go for walks. I try to stay busy but I cant ever put the pain aside for even 5 minutes. It permeates everything. All day, every day, I am just trudging forward and there is no joy in it.
Most mornings when I wake up the shock of it just floors me again.
Im so frightened about the future, and just being alone in empty rooms for the rest of my life. Id never be able to go out with anyone again, I would never be able to trust someone again. I would always wonder if were they betraying me. At least now there is no one left to betray me.
Ah God, it is heartbreaking to even hear about. There will come a time when it is past you. It might take a long time. You have reasons for hope, especially that you are healthy and can live on. Don't want to be trite but some kind of extreme sport or absorbing activity might blow out the mental grooves that repeat. That is the problem - the amygdala has fixed in all the bad stuff in your brain. I took up trying to learn how to surf after I had a very long period of illness and resultant despair. I cannot surf still but pay for classes so someone will save me if I start to drown! Being thrown around by a forceful Atlantic ocean like you are a rag doll in a washing machine just wipes out all thoughts. Easily worth the 20 quid for a couple of hours of complete respite from all troubles. La mer, ma mère, is a powerful counsellor.0 -
Ah God, it is heartbreaking to even hear about. There will come a time when it is past you. It might take a long time. You have reasons for hope, especially that you are healthy and can live on. Don't want to be trite but some kind of extreme sport or absorbing activity might blow out the mental grooves that repeat. That is the problem - the amygdala has fixed in all the bad stuff in your brain. I took up trying to learn how to surf after I had a very long period of illness and resultant despair. I cannot surf still but pay for classes so someone will save me if I start to drown! Being thrown around by a forceful Atlantic ocean like you are a rag doll in a washing machine just wipes out all thoughts. Easily worth the 20 quid for a couple of hours of complete respite from all troubles. La mer, ma mère, is a powerful counsellor.
It might sound bizarre but crochet seems to help me. The repetitive action is soothing and because Im not very good at it, I have to concentrate, so I cant really think about anything else while Im doing it. It chews up a lot of long hours.
I also plan DIY projects - some more successful than others. I make clothes too, usually just adding bits to things, or copying a designer style to make over a dress - got nowhere to wear the stuff to but I make it for the activity of making it.0 -
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ShatterAlan wrote: »Again it's not that simple. When you're younger and hornier you may have a girlfiend who ticks 9 boxes out of 10 and that's a pretty good haul. Vice versa you might bat that average for her. Women like orgasms and lust just as much as men do.
An example on my part was when I was working abroad with a gf back in the US. I went out with a lad from work and his wife. The wife's sister was an absolute man-eater. Stunningly hot, all stockings and high-heels and boobs that would have needed page 3 AND page 4. I overheard the wife say to her sister "Don't shag him....he has a girlfriend". She replied "I don't give a shit, I'm having him now". And that right there was one of the biggest turnons for me, I have to say. The alpha-female, tarantula, boyfriend stealer.
We were on top of each other relentlessly for months until my girlfriend came over to visit for a week later that year and the homewrecker backed off for a while. I must have shagged my girlfriend more in that 6 days than in the previous year or 2. She was happy but also "wtf has gotten into you?".
Anyway....moving a little forward, both gf and magpie relationships ended. The cat came out of the bag. But I stayed in Europe and started a casual relationship with a woman from another country. In the meantime I was home in Ireland for Xmas and met up with an incorrigible woman who was a language professor in UCC whom I had met previously abroad. We met for pints and got chatting about sex and all that. Told her about the sordid affair and she said "Oh, I LOVE IT, how class!". Eventually she said "come on let's go home and have sex. I know you're attached and actually I've started seeing someone but sure we won't make a habit out of it."
And we did. Have sex I mean, not make a habit out of it.
Am I a scumbag? Are those women "whores"? Not to me but to many perhaps.
SO......yes as you can see I have tommed around
I wouldn't call either of you a scumbag (perhaps if I was your gf I would be forgiven for doing so ) and I certainly wouldn't call any woman a whore but you all definitely sound like people who can't be trusted, prople who"s word counts for nothing and who place zero value on your own relationships or that of others perhaps because none of you understand or are capable of understanding the value of a relationship based on trust. I'd be slow to have anyone who admitted it was so easy for them to cheat on a partner as a friend. You're basically admitting you are selfish and untrustworthy.0 -
It might sound bizarre but crochet seems to help me. The repetitive action is soothing and because Im not very good at it, I have to concentrate, so I cant really think about anything else while Im doing it. It chews up a lot of long hours.
I also plan DIY projects - some more successful than others. I make clothes too, usually just adding bits to things, or copying a designer style to make over a dress - got nowhere to wear the stuff to but I make it for the activity of making it.
I love crochet.
Here is a link to a great pattern.
https://crystalsandcrochet.com/product-category/crochet-a-long/mandala-madness/
You have to scroll down to week 1 and then continue through the weeks using your own colours. I made it a few years ago for one of my people. It is absolutely stunning, if I say so myself. Not hard. Just follow the pattern.0 -
It happened before Christmas. He refused to move out so I moved out at the beginning of the year and a few weeks later covid came.
I have spoken to my doctor and counsellor about how I feel. I dont even mind that the marriage ended. Its the betrayal that has messed me up. Ill never know how deep it went, how long it was going on for, how many women he betrayed me with. Ill never know how much of my marriage was a lie, so I have to assume all of it was a lie. He was making a fool out of me and disrespecting me for at least 3 or 4 years - maybe it goes back further - I dont know. I look back now and everything has a question mark over it. Events that seemed benign at the time, now I wonder were they sinister.
I dont care about what he thinks or about giving him a fu@k you - he does not contact me and doesnt care what has become of me anyway. Im a reminder to him that he is a sh1tty person so he doesnt want to have anything to do with me.
I found out by accident too, its not like he actually stepped up to come clean. In fact, at one point in response to me asking how he could have been using a prostitute and lying straight to my face about it week after week he said that it wasnt about me, I was never meant to know about it, so you know, the intent wasnt to hurt me so that was how he squared that circle. I mean, thats like saying its ok to rape an unconscious person!
H, its obvious that he's fu¢ked up your head. Unfortunately for you it seems that he's still plaguing you mentally and I'd imagine the nights when you've nothing on your mind only him and his actions are intolerable.
But H disregarding what anybody says you and only you are the mistress of yourown destiny. You slowly need to remove this person bit by bit from your memory. If you have spare time you could consider charity work, or joining community based group's or projects. If I was you I wouldn't be worried about the future, I think you should be looking after your mental and physical health now. In time (it could be a cliche but its the truth )this will all pass, your future will be bright, and you will be strong. But were your weak at the moment it won't last forever.
Oh the natural feeling for what his done on you is to hate him (hatred destroys your soul, and turns peoples personalities bitter). Don't if you see him again look on him for what he was a sorry useless peice of sh¡t.0 -
ShatterAlan wrote: »The very fact that you are cynically labelling it "skulking around for quickies" demonstrates that you are in no mood to empathise or try to see the other side. You and others label the cheater as vermin and the reasons be damned. Yes it's wrong. Many things in life are "wrong" but it doesn't make them incomprehensible.
And what if it's not sex or a quickie? What if the neglected and lonely mother and housewife slips away from her unappreciative and neglectful and maybe even condescending husband and meets up with a gentleman friend and she kicks off her shoes and snuggles up on the couch with a glass of wine with him and holds his hand as they watch a bit of telly and have a snog and don't even take their clothes off. She feels young and wanted and attractive again. Happy even for an hour or two. Would you call her scum and advise she get out of the marriage and simply "man up and move on"? And go where exactly? She middle aged. What's she going to do? Go backpacking and land some eligible bachelor and start all over again? That might work for millionairesses like Jane Fonda or Ivana Trump but it gets a little harder for Mary Doyle from Santry.
For years we were told by the Church and society in general that masturbation, sex before marriage, sex with birth control, homosexuality were "wrong". Yet people engaged in those illicit and shameful activities....yourself included I would imagine. Are you going to use your black and white approach to those activities with the trite "Masturbation is WRONG, dammit. If you've got an erection then pour some cold water on your cock. Don't go skulking around tugging yourself or you're hellbound. You're GAY? Don't go skulking around looking for intimacy with some other sodomite. Get into the chapel and pray to me made normal!"
Nobody is condoning infidelity. Nobody is promoting it. Celebrating it. Encouraging it. But some of us are a bit more understanding. If a child is unruly at school or withdrawn or can't quite grasp what you're teaching are you immediately going to cast your judgemnt that they are just bad or thick without examining possible causes and underlying factors? Maybe the child is terrified of his home life, maybe the parents are alcoholics and he hasn't had three decent square meals in the one day in ages. Maybe he's dyslexic or anaemic or is the victim of sexual abuse. It's very easy to just wash your hands of the reason behid certain behaviour and just go straight for the jugular.
In the scenario I was replying to I can't see what comfort an.affair would bring. If your partner is leaving you lonely and condescending to you you end it. Your deeper needs will not be met having an affair if any kind. If it's in secret, of course there will be skulking around. If it's in the open its not an affair is it? You're basically telling your partner it's over.0 -
H, its obvious that he's fu¢ked up your head. Unfortunately for you it seems that he's still plaguing you mentally and I'd imagine the nights when you've nothing on your mind only him and his actions are intolerable.
But H disregarding what anybody says you and only you are the mistress of yourown destiny. You slowly need to remove this person bit by bit from your memory. If you have spare time you could consider charity work, or joining community based group's or projects. If I was you I wouldn't be worried about the future, I think you should be looking after your mental and physical health now. In time (it could be a cliche but its the truth )this will all pass, your future will be bright, and you will be strong. But were your weak at the moment it won't last forever.
Oh the natural feeling for what his done on you is to hate him (hatred destroys your soul, and turns peoples personalities bitter). Don't if you see him again look on him for what he was a sorry useless peice of sh¡t.
Its weird, so many people tell me "you can do what you want with your life now" - but the thing is I WAS doing what I wanted with my life. I loved my husband, I loved our home, our pets, our hobbies, the stuff we did together. Everyone who knew us used to say that we were the best matched couple they knew, we were best pals and we both had lots of individual and overlapping interests. I loved being married, I loved the stability, the companionship, the comfort of it. I really loved him, he was my person. I loved his family, I used to spend loads of time with his father in particular. Of course I didnt know that all of the above was a lie.
So now that he took all of that away from me, I dont have something that I want to do with my life. I spent 15 years with him building what I thought was a shared future (we had plans!), and not not only did he take away that future, but he destroyed the past as well.
I cant talk about anything that I used to do because he was a part of it. I cant contribute to conversations about places I have been or things I have done because every reference I have for the past 15 years is "we".0 -
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Hayoc, I know you don't believe this now and that's entirely understandable because you are grieving the life you lost but there will come a time when you will regard yourself as free, with no one to answer to or take into account. You will find your wings. Right now you're still finding the ground under your feet. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Two steps forward one step back, maybe. You are doing it, even if you don't feel like you are.0
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Sardonicat wrote: »Hayoc, I know you don't believe this now and that's entirely understandable because you are grieving the life you lost but there will come a time when you will regard yourself as free, with no one to answer to or take into account. You will find your wings. Right now you're still finding the ground under your feet. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Two steps forward one step back, maybe. You are doing it, even if you don't feel like you are.
I feel like Ive made very little progress in almost a year. I dont even know how you would measure progress for something like this.
Maybe there will be a day where Im not crippled by it ALL day. Even one day would help.
Covid has made it harder of course. Massive trauma, then thrust into lockdown in March and a period of time where I was frightened and didnt see anyone at all for weeks.0 -
Its weird, so many people tell me "you can do what you want with your life now" - but the thing is I WAS doing what I wanted with my life. I loved my husband, I loved our home, our pets, our hobbies, the stuff we did together. Everyone who knew us used to say that we were the best matched couple they knew, we were best pals and we both had lots of individual and overlapping interests. I loved being married, I loved the stability, the companionship, the comfort of it. I really loved him, he was my person. I loved his family, I used to spend loads of time with his father in particular. Of course I didnt know that all of the above was a lie.
So now that he took all of that away from me, I dont have something that I want to do with my life. I spent 15 years with him building what I thought was a shared future (we had plans!), and not not only did he take away that future, but he destroyed the past as well.
I cant talk about anything that I used to do because he was a part of it. I cant contribute to conversations about places I have been or things I have done because every reference I have for the past 15 years is "we".
Instead of thinking about the past and we. You should think about the future and yourself.
If your husband had died ( which he has metaphorically speaking). And if his family ghosted you after the funeral (and his lovers showed up) you would most probably be in the same situation your in now.
But you can't change the past, it's impossible you can shape your future, and learn from the past. Where your circumstances maybe exceptional, you will find some people might be more extreme predicaments than your
Predicament. But when the messy bit is over then in time people begin to thrive. And try if possible to get in touch with friends, even a coffee (with covid you candon't stil facebook them) or something to gossip about bullsh!t or something just so you can focus on other things for a bit and slowly try to reshape your life.0 -
But when the messy bit is over then in time people begin to thrive.
I cant wait for the divorce to be over and for the financials to be resolved. As things stand he is trying to financially screw me legally now too. Divorce law is so unfair in Ireland. He is entitled to 50:50 despite me making the bigger financial contribution throughout the marriage. And there are no penalties for committing adultery. He could have been screwing prostitutes on the driveway with the neighbours clapping and it makes no difference. Theres no justice.
It would be much easier if he had died. This way there is a cold heartless robotic stranger walking around in my husbands body continuing to hurt me.0 -
ShatterAlan wrote: »Aren't you scum for being tempted?
No because I’d never in reality do it. There’s nothing wrong with finding someone else attractive when you are in a relationship. It’s acting on that attraction and ending up shifting or shagging someone else behind your partners back is the scummy behaviour.0 -
I cant wait for the divorce to be over and for the financials to be resolved. As things stand he is trying to financially screw me legally now too. Divorce law is so unfair in Ireland. He is entitled to 50:50 despite me making the bigger financial contribution throughout the marriage. And there are no penalties for committing adultery. He could have been screwing prostitutes on the driveway with the neighbours clapping and it makes no difference. Theres no justice.
It would be much easier if he had died. This way there is a cold heartless robotic stranger walking around in my husbands body continuing to hurt me.
I know your suffering, but I think you could be very lucky that you found out what he was now, you're still young enough to have a life. Hopefully the proper counselling sets you on the path to enjoy life again. I know this is consuming you but try vary what you do get other stuff into your headspace. There are loads of forums on boards for instance to get involved in different discussions and debates etc. I hope that you can take what some of the posters offered you in regards to doing other stuff and try to think about yourself so you think less about that other person.0 -
I cant wait for the divorce to be over and for the financials to be resolved. As things stand he is trying to financially screw me legally now too. Divorce law is so unfair in Ireland. He is entitled to 50:50 despite me making the bigger financial contribution throughout the marriage. And there are no penalties for committing adultery. He could have been screwing prostitutes on the driveway with the neighbours clapping and it makes no difference. Theres no justice.
It would be much easier if he had died. This way there is a cold heartless robotic stranger walking around in my husbands body continuing to hurt me.
At least your sense of humour is intact. I just picked myself off the floor after reading that one, my stomach is in bits, thanks.0 -
Sardonicat wrote: »I wouldn't call either of you a scumbag (perhaps if I was your gf I would be forgiven for doing so ) and I certainly wouldn't call any woman a whore but you all definitely sound like people who can't be trusted, prople who"s word counts for nothing and who place zero value on your own relationships or that of others perhaps because none of you understand or are capable of understanding the value of a relationship based on trust. I'd be slow to have anyone who admitted it was so easy for them to cheat on a partner as a friend. You're basically admitting you are selfish and untrustworthy.
Trusted to do what exactly?
Where does this whole mantra of "trust" come into play?
Did you ever rob an orchard? Then you can't be trusted
Did you ever bonk off school? Then you can't be trusted.
Did you ever steal from the biscuit tin or your dad's jacket pocket?
Then you can't be trusted.
So where is your "trust" in all it's value to you and everyone else?
Is "trust" only broken when someone kisses or fancies someone else?0 -
You're not talking about fancying someone else or even kissing them, are you? Can you tell the difference between fancying someone and following through? you've outlined two situations where both parties cynically engaged in sex knowingly behind the back of one or two partners who trusted them to stay faithful. Do you really place the same value on a biscuit as you do on a partner? Do you really think the fall out of eating a stolen biscuit is the same as sleeping with someone's partner or cheating on yours?ShatterAlan wrote: »Trusted to do what exactly?
Where does this whole mantra of "trust" come into play?
Did you ever rob an orchard? Then you can't be trusted
Did you ever bonk off school? Then you can't be trusted.
Did you ever steal from the biscuit tin or your dad's jacket pocket?
Then you can't be trusted.
So where is your "trust" in all it's value to you and everyone else?
Is "trust" only broken when someone kisses or fancies someone else?0 -
ShatterAlan wrote: »Trusted to do what exactly?
Where does this whole mantra of "trust" come into play?
Did you ever rob an orchard? Then you can't be trusted
Did you ever bonk off school? Then you can't be trusted.
Did you ever steal from the biscuit tin or your dad's jacket pocket?
Then you can't be trusted.
So where is your "trust" in all it's value to you and everyone else?
Is "trust" only broken when someone kisses or fancies someone else?
You seem to be very proud of your shared with us experiences and cocky about it. Are you provoking punishment to get absolution?
I am sorry that you can't be trusted.0 -
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I cant wait for the divorce to be over and for the financials to be resolved. As things stand he is trying to financially screw me legally now too. Divorce law is so unfair in Ireland. He is entitled to 50:50 despite me making the bigger financial contribution throughout the marriage. And there are no penalties for committing adultery. He could have been screwing prostitutes on the driveway with the neighbours clapping and it makes no difference. Theres no justice.
It would be much easier if he had died. This way there is a cold heartless robotic stranger walking around in my husbands body continuing to hurt me.
This is equality, it comes with a price0 -
Its weird, so many people tell me "you can do what you want with your life now" - but the thing is I WAS doing what I wanted with my life. I loved my husband, I loved our home, our pets, our hobbies, the stuff we did together. Everyone who knew us used to say that we were the best matched couple they knew, we were best pals and we both had lots of individual and overlapping interests. I loved being married, I loved the stability, the companionship, the comfort of it. I really loved him, he was my person. I loved his family, I used to spend loads of time with his father in particular. Of course I didnt know that all of the above was a lie.
So now that he took all of that away from me, I dont have something that I want to do with my life. I spent 15 years with him building what I thought was a shared future (we had plans!), and not not only did he take away that future, but he destroyed the past as well.
I cant talk about anything that I used to do because he was a part of it. I cant contribute to conversations about places I have been or things I have done because every reference I have for the past 15 years is "we".
Please, don't give up on your past. Grieve only after your lost future with him. Cry. It really helps and softens our hearts. I am sure your past was not all lies. There were beautiful true moments. Don't give up on them. They will come back to you and you will be able to recollect things with a smile on your face. People say it takes two years. It took me seven years to get over the biggest love of my life but then I was in two good relationships. At the beginning it felt like a big part of my chest was torn away. This empty hole was unbearable. But it healed and I was able to love again. And will you.
It would help, if you know, why he drifted away. But probably you are not able to talk to him yet.0 -
It would help, if you know, why he drifted away. But probably you are not able to talk to him yet.
He drifted away because he preferred to have a secret relationship with another woman and he wanted kinky sex with prostitutes. Its no more or less complex than that. He also wanted his lifestyle that I was financing so he hid what he was doing so Id continue to pay. He couldnt afford the lifestyle he was living on his own salary, I was the higher earner and I was subsidising his more expensive hobbies.
We will never speak again. Last time we spoke in person was at the beginning of this year and he lied straight to my face during the conversation. After he left I swore I would never speak to him in person or on the phone again, email and text only. And Ive stuck to that. Anything regarding sorting out the property sale and/or solicitors has all been via email.
He has no interest in talking to me personally because there is no justification for what he did to me and I just remind him that he is a sh1tty person. There has been no contact for months now and there wont be again. I would never allow him to talk to me, his "explanations" for what he did were all lies, and when the lies were exposed he had excuses, but none of them excused what he did.
There are some things that can never be apologised for and lying to your wife while maintaining a secret mistress for years, using prostitutes while pretending to your wife that you had a great marriage is one of those things.
He has not shown any remorse except to be remorseful that he got caught. He isnt sorry about what he did, he is just sorry I found out about it.0 -
I ran into a mate of mine this morning that I haven't seen in quite awhile. I remember back years ago when he was with his girlfriend (another friend of mine). Now the guy is a habitual cheater. But I remember when he got caught banging another girl in know ( his neighbour). Anyway he guilted her something terrible, ( told her all the things that he didn't like about her) that she went on a diet, done execercise, she changed her clothes, was talking about breast enhancement, etc, (I know this because she told my Ex wife at the time). To stay with the guy. But the poor mare turned into a neurotic wretch.
I would imagine most people caught cheating blame their partner for it for various
Different reasons!
Anyway because your all in suspense, they broke up within a year.
The girl I seen at a funeral before the covid, looked great, she has another few kids for a guy who adores her and she's happy and she looks actually very well and she put a bit of the weight back and she looks well.
In regards to the guy, who cheated, well over the years he has went through many women and a couple of guys. But has he says it's in his nature to do the things he does and thats the way he is. Has I speak he has two women on the go.
But i'm surprised how many people who cheat blame their partners0 -
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Easier to blame someone else than admit your own failings.
Yes and no.
Most of the time affairs occur because the relationship has died, in particular the sex part of the relationship, hence the reason for one partner straying offside.
The real problems occur when partners put up with their loved one's indiscretions, believe their excuses and think things will get better..... they don't.
If you catch your partner at it.... it is time to move on. Hanging around having barneys and trying to repair things does not and will not work. Your other half simply does not fancy you anymore, don't waste any more time with it. Move on.
The excuse of not being aware for years does not wash with me. Watch out and be alert for:-
Unexplained late nights - particularly sober ones - or boozey if work related ie work dinners that go on tooooo late.
New makeovers - new wardrobe - new hairstyles etc.
Fitness regimes or losing weight - fairly obvious what is going on here, although if you are receiving the benefits of more sex here it is often for your benefit as opposed to a partner back on the pitch playing the field ,so to speak.
Which leads to the biggest indicator - the sexiness dries up. Never a good sign, particularly with "unhungry" men who seem to be not too fussed anymore. Don't cod yourselves- men are always hungry until they eat something.
Women losing their appetite is a different matter, they are naturally more hormonal and cyclical in their desires. Men need to appreciate this. Also physically women need a lot more care than men do, think about that. But if she is showing no interest for months on end something is up, particularly if she is going out with pals etc.0 -
Most of the time affairs occur because the relationship has died, in particular the sex part of the relationship, hence the reason for one partner straying offside.
I dont believe this. Im in a support group for what happened to me and believe it or not, not one person in the group was in a marriage where the sex had died. In my own case it not only had not died, but had become better in the last 2 years before the whole nasty lying cheating business came out (im not going to go into the reasons why it had gotten better here).
If the relationship has died then the mature and respectful thing to do is to actually end it before sleeping with other people.
Not a single one of the "signs" you describe happened to me. In fact, the opposite was occurring, we were doing things that further solidified our relationship, buying a new house together, planning holidays, sitting down with financial advisors sorting our pension ideas.
Cheaters dont cheat because the sex dried up - although no doubt thats what they tell the person they are cheating with. They cheat because they want to, they can, they dont care about anyone but themselves.0 -
I dont believe this. Im in a support group for what happened to me and believe it or not, not one person in the group was in a marriage where the sex had died. In my own case it not only had not died, but had become better in the last 2 years before the whole nasty lying cheating business came out (im not going to go into the reasons why it had gotten better here).
If the relationship has died then the mature and respectful thing to do is to actually end it before sleeping with other people.
Not a single one of the "signs" you describe happened to me. In fact, the opposite was occurring, we were doing things that further solidified our relationship, buying a new house together, planning holidays, sitting down with financial advisors sorting our pension ideas.
I hope you are not in too much denial here.
You appear to be stuck on the cheating aspect of your ex. It is highly likely if he was able to maintain a relationship with you also that he is suffering from some sort of sex addiction? Sex is different for men, it can be less personable.
If your ex was a borderline sociopath with a sex disorder it is likely that he could keep up appearances and keep you sexually satisfied.
What does surprise me however is how easily he managed to pull the wool over your eyes? You must have suspected something? I appreciate his mammoth libido ( which is not that common ) was able to satisfy several partners. But when did your suspicions start, if at all?Cheaters dont cheat because the sex dried up - although no doubt thats what they tell the person they are cheating with. They cheat because they want to, they can, they dont care about anyone but themselves.
I respect that you are hurt and feel let down by your previous partner. But I am not so sure about this. The reality is that there are a plethora of reasons why people cheat, it is not straight forward. The concept that they don't care for their partners is not true either. There is no hard or fast rule around sexual indiscretion.0 -
But when did your suspicions start, if at all?
Never. I was never once suspicious. He had activities that he had always had and he used them as the cover for what he was really up to. So for example, he told me he was going to a work event or a job that entailed going away overnight and this was a normal part of his routine so I didnt suspect anything at all. He must have been setting alarms to remind himself to text me at appropriate times, I would get texts telling me the flight had landed, that the meeting went well, that he was heading to the airport etc... all that the correct times.
I only discovered what was going on completely by accident, I had zero suspicion about any of it. It quite common that the person being cheated on has absolutely no idea.
And of course I am stuck on the adultery and lying - wouldnt you be if you discovered your spouse had been cheating on you and lying to you for years? Its massive trauma. As a result of it I have been diagnosed with anxiety, PTSD, I have hallucinations, I feel unsafe all the time, flashbacks, good sleep is a thing of the past, I wake up every single day and am floored by the shock of it. I am unable to trust anyone, I am too overwhelmed to be around people, I have considered suicide many times, I have developed physical issues as a result of the stress.
I have lost my husband, my home, my family, my belongings, one of my pets, a huge amount of money, my mental and physical health are affected. I cant imagine ever getting over this. Its much much worse than a death, death doesnt carry betrayal with it.
I knew my husband for 30 years. The discovery that he was living a double life and betraying me for years has damaged me for life - how could it not? Ill never be able to trust anyone again. My doctor tells me its the same experience when someone discovers a loved one is a pedophile or rapist or murderer. It shatters your reality to find out that your life was a lie.0 -
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Never. I was never once suspicious. He had activities that he had always had and he used them as the cover for what he was really up to. So for example, he told me he was going to a work event or a job that entailed going away overnight and this was a normal part of his routine so I didnt suspect anything at all. He must have been setting alarms to remind himself to text me at appropriate times, I would get texts telling me the flight had landed, that the meeting went well, that he was heading to the airport etc... all that the correct times.
mmm, I have done the travelling business thing also. Hotels mid - week are basically a phuck fest, I am surprised you were not wide to this one. Not just men either, women travelling extensively for business are just as likely to develop casual sex behaviours on their travels, it gets lonely out there.I only discovered what was going on completely by accident, I had zero suspicion about any of it. It quite common that the person being cheated on has absolutely no idea.
Go on, tell us more?And of course I am stuck on the adultery and lying - wouldnt you be if you discovered your spouse had been cheating on you and lying to you for years? Its massive trauma. As a result of it I have been diagnosed with anxiety, PTSD, I have hallucinations, I feel unsafe all the time, flashbacks, good sleep is a thing of the past, I wake up every single day and am floored by the shock of it. I am unable to trust anyone, I am too overwhelmed to be around people, I have considered suicide many times, I have developed physical issues as a result of the stress.
This is going to sound harsh, but you are exhibiting classic victim symptoms here, not good. Your ex's indiscretions had nothing to do with you. He sounds like a pig altogether, you were just unlucky enough to fall in love with him, that is not your fault and frankly not worth dwelling on. Get over him and move on, stop wasting your time and your life on him, you have wasted enough already. You need to move on.I have lost my husband
He doesn't sound like much of a " loss " to me in fairness., my home, my family, my belongings, one of my pets, a huge amount of money, my mental and physical health are affected. I cant imagine ever getting over this. Its much much worse than a death, death doesnt carry betrayal with it.
Ehhhh, pets aside these are all material items? Death is also a very very strong word, do not abuse it.I knew my husband for 30 years. The discovery that he was living a double life and betraying me for years has damaged me for life - how could it not? Ill never be able to trust anyone again. My doctor tells me its the same experience when someone discovers a loved one is a pedophile or rapist or murderer. It shatters your reality to find out that your life was a lie.
I don't believe this, a doctor would not advise anyone in such a way, very unethical for starters. I hope you are not reaching here?0
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