Girlfriend's history

Ramonesp

Hi, I'm a 35 year old irish man dating a 37 yo F in London , we have known each other since December....casual for 1st few months but serious for past 3 months . She left her email account open on my laptop a few days ago and I ended up snooping. I found out that last October she registered with a non sexual escort agency offering companionship only. Further snooping revealed that she went on 3 dinner dates with a 70 year old business man who flies in once a month. One each in November, December, and January. It was clearly platonic and just dinner only but they have kept in contact via what's app planning to meet up again but never happened due to covid. I'm conflicted as to what to do

manonboard

Ramonesp wrote: »

Hi, I'm a 35 year old irish man dating a 37 yo F in London , we have known each other since December....casual for 1st few months but serious for past 3 months . She left her email account open on my laptop a few days ago and I ended up snooping. I found out that last October she registered with a non sexual escort agency offering companionship only. Further snooping revealed that she went on 3 dinner dates with a 70 year old business man who flies in once a month. One each in November, December, and January. It was clearly platonic and just dinner only but they have kept in contact via what's app planning to meet up again but never happened due to covid. I'm conflicted as to what to do

I mean this in all seriousness.
Your only course of ethical action is to apologise profusely to your partner for completely violating her very clear boundaries, for breaking the trust between you, and for to get whatever support you need to find out what you are lacking that caused you to treat your partner so poorly.

If you don't do this, then you are infact the one lying and hiding things in your relationship that are entirely betraying to hide.

kenmm

Ramonesp wrote: »

Hi, I'm a 35 year old irish man dating a 37 yo F in London , we have known each other since December....casual for 1st few months but serious for past 3 months . She left her email account open on my laptop a few days ago and I ended up snooping. I found out that last October she registered with a non sexual escort agency offering companionship only. Further snooping revealed that she went on 3 dinner dates with a 70 year old business man who flies in once a month. One each in November, December, and January. It was clearly platonic and just dinner only but they have kept in contact via what's app planning to meet up again but never happened due to covid. I'm conflicted as to what to do

Stop snooping would be a good start. As you have learned, no good has come from it.


From this point? I think you have to tell her that you broke her trust and that you seen stuff you shouldn't have. Don't go into the details or ask about them, if she wanted to tell you she would have.

Then it's between the two of you how to repair this broken trust and see if you both want a relationship and what the boundaries are going forward.

Edit: in future, hit log out, close the tab and maybe even clear cookies for the email provider if you are ever in that position again.

Ramonesp

Yes the snooping happened as she left her email account open on my laptop. I suppose what bothers me is that my gf stopped to joining an escort agency m..went on dates and subsequently stayed in contact with the guy all through out our dating ....and probably would be still gokgnon dates for money if it wasnt for covid

lucernarian

Though there is understandable disgust at the breach of trust, I think there is a reality being ignored where quite a lot of people, for better or worse, would do this given the opportunity.

Nonetheless the only way to repair the damage to both sides is to be open about the breach of trust OP has done, and also raise the uncomfortable information discovered. It may end the relationship, or it might work out on a more honest and trusting future, but that's life either way.

kenmm

Ramonesp wrote: »

Yes the snooping happened as she left her email account open on my laptop. I suppose what bothers me is that my gf stopped to joining an escort agency m..went on dates and subsequently stayed in contact with the guy all through out our dating ....and probably would be still gokgnon dates for money if it wasnt for covid

No, the snooping happened because you started clicking and scrolling (and searching?) Through her Gmail or whatever. The sooner you admit you have a problem and take responsibility, the better.

The rest.. if you are uncomfortable with that (now that you know this) then that's something you need to decide if you can take in a relationship. But if you are going to break it off it's only fair to admit your wrong doing. That needs to be discussed first (although, from what you describe, it seems innocent enough and you were barely dating when it happened, if it were me, I wouldn't be so bother tbh)

The invasion of privacy, that's a much bigger issue really, and you need to take a look at yourself as to why you felt the need to do that.

kenmm

lucernarian wrote: »

Though there is understandable disgust at the breach of trust, I think there is a reality being ignored where quite a lot of people, for better or worse, would do this given the opportunity.

Thats irrelevant really, the op has done it and now is in trouble through it.

osarusan

The way you found out doesn't reflect well on you, but regardless, you found out. I can imagine plenty of people would see what she did/is doing a red flag and call an end to things.


Now that you know what you know, it will be very difficult to put it out of your mind, especially as it is something you are not supposed to know, and she doesn't know you know. Will you able to put this completely behind you and never snoop again? If she says she's going out to meet a friend for dinner, will you able to accept that?


That kind of thing can easily eat away at you, and she would be none the wiser as to why you are moody or asking lots of questions or whatever.


Now that you know, it's best to bring it out in the open somehow, but I can't imagine how you will be able to do that without revealing your snooping history, in which case she might be the one to end things.

Ramonesp

No it's a real account . I never had trust issues before to be fair. She left her email account open on my laptop and my curiosity got the better of me....shoot me, anyways she was going on these dinner dates with an American business man while she was dating me including a date where she went and met him straight after a date with me ...they stayed in contact for months and it seems that only covid stopped them from meeting up again

kenmm

Ramonesp wrote: »

No it's a real account . I never had trust issues before to be fair. She left her email account open on my laptop and my curiosity got the better of me....shoot me, anyways she was going on these dinner dates with an American business man while she was dating me including a date where she went and met him straight after a date with me ...they stayed in contact for months and it seems that only covid stopped them from meeting up again

There is no 'shoot me' you fcked up and just need to come clean.
The rest is a discussion, that's it. The dates might not have been actual dates, you don't know, maybe it's good cash and she just met this new guy and didn't want to be financially embarrassed, feck knows. But communication is the only way outta this one and you need to know what you want from it.

It's a sensitive topic, admit your faults, hear her out (if she will let you!), But actually listen if you get the ooertunity and then take it from there.


You can't go in all indignant about the 'dates' until you know the story (and with the added snooping, it can easily turn argumentative, as it was a bit out if order really!)
.

lucernarian

kenmm wrote: »

There is no 'shoot me' you fcked up and just need to come clean.
The rest is a discussion, that's it. The dates might not have been actual dates, you don't know, maybe it's good cash and she just met this new guy and didn't want to be financially embarrassed, feck knows. But communication is the only way outta this one and you need to know what you want from it.

It's a sensitive topic, admit your faults, hear her out (if she will let you!), But actually listen if you get the ooertunity and then take it from there.


You can't go in all indignant about the 'dates' until you know the story (and with the added snooping, it can easily turn argumentative, as it was a bit out if order really!)
.

This kinda sidesteps what he saw, and the inevitable doubts and feelings of anxiety about it though. Describing this as being "indignant" is both unrealistic and really lacking in empathy tbh.

kenmm

lucernarian wrote: »

This kinda sidesteps what he saw, and the inevitable doubts and feelings of anxiety about it though. Describing this as being "indignant" is both unrealistic and really lacking in empathy tbh.

Ok, but we don't know the depth of what was seen, how often etc and the seriousness.
I mean, talk about it first, find out the details and then discuss how they both feel about this situation.

Some people might go straight for the accusations, but to me it kinda sounds innocent enough?

weldoninhio

Hold on. You snooped through her emails. How do you know what’s on her Whatspp??

kenmm

weldoninhio wrote: »

Hold on. You snooped through her emails. How do you know what’s on her Whatspp??

Or contrary to my previous post.. maybe we know exactly what the depth of what was seen!

Idle Passerby

You've known your gf since December, became official in June. She "dated" this guy 3 times between October and the start of lockdown (in March). By my reckoning there was no real crossover.

You seem sure this was a platonic arrangement so what's the issue if they keep in touch?

Grab All Association

Smart lady. If I was woman with a great body I’d be doing a hell of a lot worse than that!

If some old man is going to pay her to go to functions, parties etc etc, ching ching take him to the cleaners

Kidchameleon

Snooping aside, her behavior is a definite red flag.

kenmm

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Snooping aside, her behavior is a definite red flag.

Maybe, it's up to the op to decide, but I think the snooping is far worse based on what was posted so far.

kenmm

Idle Passerby wrote: »

You've known your gf since December, became official in June. She "dated" this guy 3 times between October and the start of lockdown (in March). By my reckoning there was no real crossover.

You seem sure this was a platonic arrangement so what's the issue if they keep in touch?

That was my take on it. Op needs to talk this out and find out if that's really the case, but only after an uncomfortable conversation about personal space and privacy.

Good luck op- might turn out to be a great fully open and honest relationship (with a bit of extra businessman cash on the side :pac:)

Ramonesp

My issue is that accepting money as a companionship only escort is a short hop to a full escort service , also wealthy businessmen are not in the habit of handing over money for nothing

osarusan

Ramonesp wrote: »

My issue is that accepting money as a companionship only escort is a short hop to a full escort service , also wealthy businessmen are not in the habit of handing over money for nothing

You obviously have serious doubts about what is going on. I doubt you'll ever be able to put it behind you as things stand.



You should either raise them with her (somehow) and talk it out, or else break up with her.

Sardonicat

Ramonesp wrote: »

My issue is that accepting money as a companionship only escort is a short hop to a full escort service , also wealthy businessmen are not in the habit of handing over money for nothing

No, it's not a short hop- it's a giant leap. It started before you were together and finished while you were still casual so it's got nothing to do with you. Not something I'd do myself, but I don't know what her reasons are (debt or somehing?) so won't be judging her. You snooped through her emails . Totally out of order and a betrayal.of trust. Do her a favour and move on.

bucketybuck

Your girlfriend is an escort. You are either ok with that or you aren't, everything else is just window dressing.

kenmm

Ramonesp wrote: »

My issue is that accepting money as a companionship only escort is a short hop to a full escort service , also wealthy businessmen are not in the habit of handing over money for nothing

You really need to talk it out. Maybe what you think isn't the case, maybe your preconceptions if the nature of the work are wrong. But no one here can make you feel differently about it- only a full and Frank conversation can sort this.

LillySV

I’d be worried about catching more than covid 19 off that one!! Haha

kenmm

LillySV wrote: »

I’d be worried about catching more than covid 19 off that one!! Haha

There is no indication that it was sexual or the girl is in the habit of taking risks with her sexual health.

I know you meant this as a joke, but still a bit mean!

vikings2012

OP, organise a movie night and watch pretty lady etc. (or bring up a boards thread/tik tik discussion about escort)

Then mid way during the movie etc say, ‘she is making some money, have you ever considered doing that! You have a hot af body and could definitely pull a few rich lads’.

The above comes across as a genuine curious question and also acts as a compliment.

Assess her reaction. She might fess up if she thinks you are cool with that.

If she says nothing or is appalled by the remark, that would be a red flag.

kenmm

vikings2012 wrote: »

OP, organise a movie night and watch pretty lady etc. (or bring up a boards thread/tik tik discussion about escort)

Then mid way during the movie etc say, ‘she is making some money, have you ever considered doing that! You have a hot af body and could definitely pull a few rich lads’.

The above comes across as a genuine curious question and also acts as a compliment.

Assess her reaction. She might fess up if she thinks you are cool with that.

If she says nothing or is appalled by the remark, that would be a red flag.

Terrible advice really.

Why beat about the bush with it? And then go on to continue a relationship (or not) based on assumptions.

If two people in their late 30s are unable to have an honest conversation about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship then what is the point?

Edit: also 'coming across as genuine and curious' is also dishonest, do adding more problems before they even resolve the existing conflict

JasonStatham

He's got to split up with her. They're obviously not right for one another.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Dogg Munde and StevenToast In RI/PI posters are asked to respond to a thread in a manner that offers constructive advice to an OP. Calling out other posters does not count as offering constructive advice. Please read the Charter before posting again.

LillySV. Similarly, if you cant meet the standards expected here in PI/RI and offer mature constructive advice when posting then spare us your 'jokes'.

Thanks

HS

utyh2ikcq9z76b

If your happy staying with a prostitute then say nothing if you aren't break up.

Potatoeman

People on this forum will say relationships are built on trust but honesty is more important, you can’t trust someone that isn’t honest. Was she honest with you? You only found out about this because you snooped. I personally would run a mile, this would be a huge dealbreaker for most guys. Things on the internet are forever, what if your friends or family seen this? Would you be ok with that?

Sardonicat

Potatoeman wrote: »

People on this forum will say relationships are built on trust but honesty is more important, you can’t trust someone that isn’t honest. Was she honest with you? You only found out about this because you snooped. I personally would run a mile, this would be a huge dealbreaker for most guys. Things on the internet are forever, what if your friends or family seen this? Would you be ok with that?

How would his friends or family see her emails ? She's not up on an escort website.

Potatoeman

Sardonicat wrote: »

How would his friends or family see her emails ? She's not up on an escort website.

Facial recognition software and internet archive sites. They both already exist the first isn’t mainstream yet.

Sardonicat

Potatoeman wrote: »

Facial recognition software and internet archive sites. They both already exist the first isn’t mainstream yet.

And? What's her face got to do with her private emails?

Ramonesp

She had a profile on the escort website for 3 months from last October to February , I clicked on links on the website and it was taken down. In her emails with the agency it clearly said that she was a non sexual escort only. From what I can see she only met up with one guy for 3 dinner dates.....the old business man in his 70s. Like I said ...she did this in October (before we met ) and met him 2 times only while we were casually dating .....since we've gone serious there has been no meetings etc. If I had known this at the start I would of walked and not looked back but now after knowing her for several months ...I've grown to love her and she loves me. I know it was a dick move of me to check emails and I now wish I hadn't but it doesn't change the uncomfortable feelings I have about what she got upto ....despite it being just companionship I feel that it's a very close relative to the sex industry and that it's very easy for lines to get blurred

weldoninhio

Ramonesp wrote: »

She had a profile on the escort website for 3 months from last October to February , I clicked on links on the website and it was taken down. In her emails with the agency it clearly said that she was a non sexual escort only. From what I can see she only met up with one guy for 3 dinner dates.....the old business man in his 70s. Like I said ...she did this in October (before we met ) and met him 2 times only while we were casually dating .....since we've gone serious there has been no meetings etc. If I had known this at the start I would of walked and not looked back but now after knowing her for several months ...I've grown to love her and she loves me. I know it was a dick move of me to check emails and I now wish I hadn't but it doesn't change the uncomfortable feelings I have about what she got upto ....despite it being just companionship I feel that it's a very close relative to the sex industry and that it's very easy for lines to get blurred

You never explained how you got into her Whatsapp messages.

Sardonicat

She made it clear it was companionship only. She didnt sleep with anyone for money, regardless if what you think it's close to and lines blurring. The lines didnt blur. Break up with her but please have the balls to tell her you read her emails.

kenmm

Ramonesp wrote: »

She had a profile on the escort website for 3 months from last October to February , I clicked on links on the website and it was taken down. In her emails with the agency it clearly said that she was a non sexual escort only. From what I can see she only met up with one guy for 3 dinner dates.....the old business man in his 70s. Like I said ...she did this in October (before we met ) and met him 2 times only while we were casually dating .....since we've gone serious there has been no meetings etc. If I had known this at the start I would of walked and not looked back but now after knowing her for several months ...I've grown to love her and she loves me. I know it was a dick move of me to check emails and I now wish I hadn't but it doesn't change the uncomfortable feelings I have about what she got upto ....despite it being just companionship I feel that it's a very close relative to the sex industry and that it's very easy for lines to get blurred

You really need to just talk.

You don't know why she went into this line of work, and as you can imagine she probably didn't want to talk about it because you/some other potential partner would make a quick judgement call.

If you feel no matter what she will say and its a complete red flag, and you do break up - I have no idea how you do that!

But talk it out first I would day! Especially if you are talking about love here..

Potatoeman

Sardonicat wrote: »

And? What's her face got to do with her private emails?

I’m saying things are not as private as people think, her profile was on that site with a picture. It’s retrievable.

LegacyUser

Ramonesp wrote: »

If I had known this at the start I would of walked and not looked back

So walk OP, you clearly are unable to get over this so I'm not sure what discussing it with strangers on the internet will gain. I feel talking to her honestly about it is a waste of time as it doesn't matter how well she explains herself, this is something that is just going to stick in your mind and you are likely to bring it up and keep throwing it in her face down the line so best for everyone to separate now.

Being paid for your company with no sexual contact is not the same at all as being a prostitute. Some elderly men are lonely and have the money to pay a pretty girl to keep them company for a meal. Honestly whats the issue? Prop paid well hence why she kept in touch with the men in question or maybe she hopes Covid will take them out and they'll leave her some money. If she worked in a bar and wore a low cut top to get extra tips from drunk young lads would you such an issue? Would you see that as one step up from being a prostitute?

Potatoeman

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/a16565849/sugar-baby-reddit-ama/

I think it’s very foolish to think there is not a sexual side to this.

kenmm

Potatoeman wrote: »

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/a16565849/sugar-baby-reddit-ama/

I think it’s very foolish to think there is not a sexual side to this.

I don't think that's the same thing, and at this point it's nothing more than speculation to assume the OPs gf is into that scene (or providing anything other than companionship on a few occasions).

Are all escorting sites "for companionship only"? I believe they are. I would be assuming she dabbled in a seeking arrangements type on escorting before she met you. What you do with that is up to you.

Yeah you shouldn't have snooped but you did and now you have this so should address it.

(There's a lot of perfect people in this thread)

leggo

It’s okay to be uncomfortable with your partner having a past in escorting. There are people bending over backwards here trying to show how ‘woke’ they are, but I wonder if they’d have these same views if it was their own partner. This is a fair thing to be concerned about.

At the same time, it’s entirely possible that it’s nothing to worry about too. This could’ve been a fleeting notion that she tried out and wasn’t for her. I know when I’ve been single I’ve tried stuff, because what harm, and found it wasn’t for me. And I’m not going to lie for as judgemental as some people can be about this stuff, if I got offered a ball of money to just have dinner and nothing more with a friendly old granny I’d consider it and I bet many others would too! While your concerns are valid and pulling on that string may unravel something else worth knowing, remember too that it could be something you wouldn’t care about if you knew the full story and because of how you’ve found out you’re left with your anxiety and the worst possible scenarios in your head.

Your options now are to walk, to pretend you didn’t see it and let it consume you then probably come out anyway down the line in a manner you can’t control, or to fess up and have an open conversation. The last one is the only real option where saving the relationship is possible. But also prepare yourself for the possibility that you may not get an explanation, she may be so appalled by the snooping that it ends the relationship. And you’d deserve it if it was the case, I really don’t think you seem to understand that you’ve done something many would consider a dealbreaker. But even then, that is ultimately a better scenario than living in constant uncertainty and letting it eat you alive, only for it to come out eventually anyway.

kenmm

leggo wrote: »

. There are people bending over backwards here trying to show how ‘woke’ they are, .

leggo wrote: »

At the same time, it’s entirely possible that it’s nothing to worry about too. This could’ve been a fleeting notion that she tried out and wasn’t for her. I know when I’ve been single I’ve tried stuff, because what harm, and found it wasn’t for me. And I’m not going to lie for as judgemental as some people can be about this stuff, if I got offered a ball of money to just have dinner and nothing more with a friendly old granny I’d consider it and I bet many others would too! While your concerns are valid and pulling on that string may unravel something else worth knowing, remember too that it could be something you wouldn’t care about if you knew the full story and because of how you’ve found out you’re left with your anxiety and the worst possible scenarios in your head.

Your options now are to walk, to pretend you didn’t see it and let it consume you then probably come out anyway down the line in a manner you can’t control, or to fess up and have an open conversation. The last one is the only real option where saving the relationship is possible. But also prepare yourself for the possibility that you may not get an explanation, she may be so appalled by the snooping that it ends the relationship. And you’d deserve it if it was the case, I really don’t think you seem to understand that you’ve done something many would consider a dealbreaker. But even then, that is ultimately a better scenario than living in constant uncertainty and letting it eat you alive, only for it to come out eventually anyway

This- except I'm not sure I understand the 'woke' part?

bitofabind

If you are going to have any kind of future with her you're going to have to ask her about this OP. And be aware that the fact of you snooping means she'll already have her defences up, at best will tell you nothing and at worst will dump you.

There are too many variables as to why your girlfriend was working as an escort. It's not something most women even consider. Does she have money issues? Addiction issues? Is she in debt? Has she done this before in the past? What are her boundaries like with men and sex in general?

If I was about to set up shop with someone, I'd need to know exactly what in their life, their past and their character led them down the route of selling their company to older rich men to make a quick buck. Are we talking "I can make a lot of dough and it seemed safe" or "I'm 100k in debt and can't pay my rent and it was a last resort" here.

Up Donegal

Ramonesp wrote: »

She left her email account open on my laptop a few days ago and I ended up snooping.

If you went to the laptop and the email was open when you got there, you could mention it to her but when you "ended up snooping", that's a different story. You shouldn't have went through her emails.

Anyway, good luck and I hope everything turns out for both of you.

Aseth

At this point it's not really important how OP found out and whether we find it questionable as this is not really a part of the problem.

OP you need to think deep and hard, can you trust your gf if she tells you this was an episode in her life, it was only 3 dates, no sex? Can you trust her when she tells you she is going out with friend(s) for dinner and not worry all the time that she is lying to you and having date as an escort? Or is it going to be continuously on your mind?
There is also a serious possibility she might break up with you when you tell her you went through her emails. You could keep quiet but do you think you can move on?

We can discuss here different aspects of the whole situation but if you can't trust her than maybe it's better for both of you to break up?

kenmm

Aseth wrote: »

We can discuss here different aspects of the whole situation but if you can't trust her than maybe it's better for both of you to break up?

I'm not saying it's not valid concern (trusting the gf) but it's hard to ask the gf to reassure him when he has already shown he cannot himself act in a way that is very trustworthy.

I think it all needs to be gotten out into the open to figure out if they want a relationship and if they can both build trust from here.

Aseth

kenmm wrote: »

I'm not saying it's not valid concern (trusting the gf) but it's hard to ask the gf to reassure him when he has already shown he cannot himself act in a way that is very trustworthy.

I think it all needs to be gotten out into the open to figure out if they want a relationship and if they can both build trust from here.

I do get what you are saying but she doesn't know about it yet. Again we could have a lengthy discussion on reading partner's emails, coming clean, respect, honesty, etc but I think OP needs to figure out if with or without discussing it with his gf can he trust her ever again(doesn't matter what we think about her behaviour)?