Girlfriend's history

Ramonesp

Figured I'd touch back in .....no I don't believe she was having sex for money , the emails clearly stipulated that she was a non sexual escort , and she reiterated that in the correspondence with the agency .....as far as I can see her only meetings were with the one guy in a hotel restaurant.....yes I went to through her what's app as I needed more information (judge me ..so what ..I just found out some shocking information about my partner and I needed answers)...the messages I found from him were all seemingly platonic ...almost fatherly ..no evidence of innuendo/sexual nature.....anyways with covid it all seemed to have tapered off

Dtp1979

And what happens when Covid goes away? Or maybe she deleted any incriminating (literally) messages/mails. Me personally, I’d run a mile.

Hannibal_Smith

So are you going to talk to her or pretend you never saw her emails or snooped through her WhatsApp messages?

You could also consider hiring a private detective to dig a little further. They can do a great job, break no laws, and be discreet.

Dtp1979

[Deleted User] wrote: »

You could also consider hiring a private detective to dig a little further. They can do a great job, break no laws, and be discreet.

Why pay a private eye. Just try and hire the girl himself and see if she takes the bait. Not rocket science.

khaldrogo

All this BS chat about the OP needing 'help' from a professional because he snooped are OTT and laughable IMO.

These people saying the GF is in the right are the literal embodiment of a SIMP.

Should he have snooped? No.
Would most people? Yes.

Anyone commenting on this thread saying that they wouldn't want to know that their partner was seeing people for money behind their back is simply either BSing or a total door mat asking to be walked over.

kenmm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Why pay a private eye. Just try and hire the girl himself and see if she takes the bait. Not rocket science.

Or just, you know, talk? Like some adults having a relationship..?

weldoninhio

Ramonesp wrote: »

Figured I'd touch back in .....no I don't believe she was having sex for money , the emails clearly stipulated that she was a non sexual escort , and she reiterated that in the correspondence with the agency .....as far as I can see her only meetings were with the one guy in a hotel restaurant.....yes I went to through her what's app as I needed more information (judge me ..so what ..I just found out some shocking information about my partner and I needed answers)...the messages I found from him were all seemingly platonic ...almost fatherly ..no evidence of innuendo/sexual nature.....anyways with covid it all seemed to have tapered off

She needs to run. Going out a wet weekend and your tracking her emails and WhatsApp.

Dtp1979

kenmm wrote: »

Or just, you know, talk? Like some adults having a relationship..?

Which relationship do you mean, paid or unpaid?

Ramonesp

With regards to people saying she was seeing people behind my back ....just to reiterate ...we met in December ...casually meeting/dating until April /may when we.decided to go exclusive....it's clear from emails that her involvement with the agency ceased in Feb/march. I suppose my main issue is the frame of mind of someone who would willingly join an escort agency (albeit non sexual ) , it worries me that someone with that attitude is also someone who is willing to escalate it to sexual relationship with clients if situation/money was right

Hannibal_Smith

Why not ask her?

bobbyy gee

It's time to leave her

bitofabind

What’s her financial situation? Any debt or shortage of funds that you’re aware of?

Ramonesp

No not that I'm aware of , she is what I would describe as a very experiential/hedonistic person, always seemed to be chasing an "experience"

MEGA BRO WOLF 5000

JJayoo wrote: »

She's a sugar baby, gets paid by rich old farts for her 'company'

This.

Run as fast and as far away as you can OP. This has to be the biggest red flag I've ever seen on this forum.

Ramonesp

Ordinarily I'd agree with you ... I know reading this as an observer it looks very suspicious but im not sure it was...a large part of me thinks that when she was single /dating casually curiosity got the better of her ....like I said earlier I'm almost certain it was non sexual and it has since seemed to have ceased. Her personality is naturally very friendly and curious, a big part of me thinks she did it out of inquisitiveness while she was single. Like I said there was no meet up since February but there was contact since March on what's app which seemed innocent ..almost like a friendship. I know how it looks ....and if I was in your position I'd be saying to walk but I do love her and she says she loves me...I'm quite torn to say the least

nthclare

I had an exe I was with for 6 monthswho borrowed an old phone of mine because hers was getting fixed.

She forgot to delete her Gmail or log out.

I got the phone back off her, FFS she was on fabswingers, arranging meets and all kinds of sh1t

I had the phone in the car and it was connected to my own personal hotspot.

Sure up popped, you've a mail from fabswingers.com lol
she was also on adult friend finder...
I just got rid of her, I didn't have to tell her why, because she knew I was acting distant, and I pulled away gradually over a week...

Then I told her, I wasn't interested anymore.
She looked at me and said that she forgot to delete the Gmail on my phone and did I see her mails.
I said they popped up I couldn't help but see the headings.

She admitted she was a sex addict and needed help, and apologized and understood why I had to walk away.

Obviously I got a check up 3 and 6 months later, all clear thankfully.

That was 6 years ago.

And there's no point in guilt shaming the op about him looking at the mail, in all fairness if some women seen a search for escort Ireland or a sex dating site they wouldn't be happy that's for sure.

Or a girlfriend seeing their guy on Grindr, which has happened.

Whomever is guilt shaming the OP more than likely are up to the same stuff themselves or have something to hide...

Isn't that the truth

bucketybuck

Ramonesp wrote: »

No not that I'm aware of , she is what I would describe as a very experiential/hedonistic person, always seemed to be chasing an "experience"

And you think that is going to change now?

She is an escort, and now you say she is very experimental and hedonistic, if this story is true then you are very naive if you think she has done or will do nothing more than just meet up for dinner.

Like I already said, your girlfriend is an escort, the only relevant question is if you are ok living with that knowledge. Doesn't really matter what she says about it because are you likely to trust what she says anyway?

Do you mind your girlfriend being an escort, that is the simple question.

kenmm

nthclare wrote: »

Whomever is guilt shaming the OP more than likely are up to the same stuff themselves or have something to hide...

Woah - a few leaps of imagination going on there..

I don't think its guilt shaming thats going on, but assuming it is, it does't mean that either the OPs partner OR other posters here have 'something to hide..'

Regarding your post - getting pop ups on a phone is different from opening gmail, searching through it (i.e. generally reading them) then when something is found, going off to WA and looking for more.
It's not guilt shaming on this sort of forum to suggest to the OP that for the sake of this or future relationships that he should get to the bottom of why they feel the need to do this. Thats one issue. The other issue is of course what to do with the information he obtained - and as he explained, that happened before they were serious. It sounds like they still like each other and are fairly compatible, so if they want something to continue both these issues need out in the open and discussed. There is no other way to move on.

If you ghost/go vacant - it doesn't really resolve anything, just leaves the other person wondering what happened etc and since the OP stated they care about this person, that doesn't sound much like they way you treat someone you care about.

nthclare

bucketybuck wrote: »

And you think that is going to change now?

She is an escort, and now you say she is very experimental and hedonistic, if this story is true then you are very naive if you think she has done or will do nothing more than just meet up for dinner.

Like I already said, your girlfriend is an escort, the only relevant question is if you are ok living with that knowledge. Doesn't really matter what she says about it because are you likely to trust what she says anyway?

Do you mind your girlfriend being an escort, that is the simple question.

The thing about open minded and hedonistic men and women is there's no stopping them when they want to act out their fantasy.

Then afterwards comes the guilt and remorse.
They can't help it,a bit like a drug addict or alcoholic they're not satisfied until they've hit the jackpot, but the jackpot isn't you or I

We're just part of the game, like the gangster's in the movies say, nothing personal just business

nthclare

kenmm wrote: »

Woah - a few leaps of imagination going on there..

I don't think its guilt shaming thats going on, but assuming it is, it does't mean that either the OPs partner OR other posters here have 'something to hide..'

Regarding your post - getting pop ups on a phone is different from opening gmail, searching through it (i.e. generally reading them) then when something is found, going off to WA and looking for more.
It's not guilt shaming on this sort of forum to suggest to the OP that for the sake of this or future relationships that he should get to the bottom of why they feel the need to do this. Thats one issue. The other issue is of course what to do with the information he obtained - and as he explained, that happened before they were serious. It sounds like they still like each other and are fairly compatible, so if they want something to continue both these issues need out in the open and discussed. There is no other way to move on.

If you ghost/go vacant - it doesn't really resolve anything, just leaves the other person wondering what happened etc and since the OP stated they care about this person, that doesn't sound much like they way you treat someone you care about.

Maybe the op's message's popped up but we've all got intuition and can read people's forms and body language.

Some people can feel there's something wrong, their gut kicks in.

Ok I'll take it back about guilt shaming or suggesting that people telling him he was bad for checking her mail etc were up to no good themselves.

But at the end of the day there's no trust here from both sides of the relationship.

What she's doing she's entitled to it, but it's up to the op to accept it or not.

It's a very simple solution.

Xterminator

My reading of the situation is

OP broke girlfriends trust by snooping into her private email account /whatapp account.

He found no evidence she has done anything that he didn't already know about, and no evidence she has cheated on him etc. Instead he fed his own internal conflict about her past, which they discussed but which he is not happy about.

So of the two who has done something to betray the trust of the other? The OP.

If he cannot handle her past he should just leave the relationship. But it will be for his own issues, inability to accept the past is the past, and propensity to snoop.

But if he thinks she is special and wants to try then perhaps a bit of couples therapy would help reset the boundaries, get over trust issues, and provide them with the tools to move forward.

kenmm

Xterminator wrote: »

My reading of the situation is

OP broke girlfriends trust by snooping into her private email account /whatapp account.

He found no evidence she has done anything that he didn't already know about, and no evidence she has cheated on him etc. Instead he fed his own internal conflict about her past, which they discussed but which he is not happy about.

So of the two who has done something to betray the trust of the other? The OP.

If he cannot handle her past he should just leave the relationship. But it will be for his own issues, inability to accept the past is the past, and propensity to snoop.

But if he thinks she is special and wants to try then perhaps a bit of couples therapy would help reset the boundaries, get over trust issues, and provide them with the tools to move forward.

Broadly yes, except this part:

Xterminator wrote: »

He found no evidence she has done anything that he didn't already know about, and no evidence she has cheated on him etc. Instead he fed his own internal conflict about her past, which they discussed but which he is not happy about.

I don't think he knew she worked with an escort agency (but as you say, it was in her past/ before they got serious, so why bother).
I don't think they ever spoke about his snooping or her past escort job.


EDIT - just to say - the calling oiut of the snooping - its been flagged as some sort of 'virtue signalling/ justified (Who wouldn't etc)/ guilt shaming/ and played down somewhat, but I think thats wrong too (i.e. it should be called out) - its a bit of a red flag for a lot of people, and I think if the OP isn't honest with themselves that this potentially is an issue (around trust and feeling the need to go looking where one shouldn't) then it will only lead to more problems for them down the line. Be it with this partner or others in the future.

Hannibal_Smith

If she's using her normal email address and phone/phone number I wouldn't think she's too seriously into it?

Are you going to keep checking her phone and email to see whether there's been any further contact? Or address the issue with her?

Hannibal_Smith

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Why not ask her?

Because she'd lie about it. She's been hiding this from him the whole time.

Hannibal_Smith

Deleted User wrote: »

Because she'd lie about it. She's been hiding this from him the whole time.

Then that would make it a hell of a lot easier for the OP to make a decision about whether to stay in the relationship or not. But a week on he's still no clearer.

B.A._Baracus

manonboard wrote: »

I mean this in all seriousness.
Your only course of ethical action is to apologise profusely to your partner for completely violating her very clear boundaries, for breaking the trust between you, and for to get whatever support you need to find out what you are lacking that caused you to treat your partner so poorly.

If you don't do this, then you are infact the one lying and hiding things in your relationship that are entirely betraying to hide.

Cant believe this post has 35 thanks.

By your logic if I went out tomorrow and had an affair behind my girlfriend's back (who I am with years) the act of her snooping and finding out is worse than the act I committed? Breaking her trust, breaking her heart... Doing the dirt behind her back and thinking she was an idiot who'd never find out.

That's insane. I've read many comments over the years here about snooping and I have come to a conclusion that most of yous must clearly have dark secrets that your partner cannot know at any cost.

Your partner is your best friend. Your soul mate. Someone who you are not to hold secrets from.

kenmm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Cant believe this post has 35 thanks.

By your logic if I went out tomorrow and had an affair behind my girlfriend's back (who I am with years) the act of her snooping and finding out is worse than the act I committed? Breaking her trust, breaking her heart... Doing the dirt behind her back and thinking she was an idiot who'd never find out.

That's insane. I've read many comments over the years here about snooping and I have come to a conclusion that most of yous must clearly have dark secrets that your partner cannot know at any cost.

Your partner is your best friend. Your soul mate. Someone who you are not to hold secrets from.

That is false equivalence for a start. Cheating on your partner of years is nothing like the situation the op outlined. I fail to see it's relevance.

A relationship is built on trust. Trust that your partner can confide in you and trust that you have the right to your own life.

The couple in this scenario are just in the process of forming that relationship, the girl done some stuff that she (probably, maybe? Who knows) isn't proud of right at the time they met.

The trust required hasn't been fully established for whatever reason. Possibly because she felt that she would be judged (just look at this thread for example!) Or for reasons that we cannot know.

On top of that the op did snoop, and not just a casual glance, but a good old dig around email (before knowing anything) and then on to wa. That there is pretty serious and hence enough reason as to why it could have gotten '35 likes'.

Who's to know that once COVID settled and they got closer still that she would have spoken about this period on her life one she felt able to? Or maybe never because it's something in her past? Or maybe she is a full on sex addict that was doing all sorts, but at this stage they still need to talk this out to see if trust can be built back up as it's taken a bit if a blow all round.

Sardonicat

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Cant believe this post has 35 thanks.

By your logic if I went out tomorrow and had an affair behind my girlfriend's back (who I am with years) the act of her snooping and finding out is worse than the act I committed? Breaking her trust, breaking her heart... Doing the dirt behind her back and thinking she was an idiot who'd never find out.

That's insane. I've read many comments over the years here about snooping and I have come to a conclusion that most of yous must clearly have dark secrets that your partner cannot know at any cost.

Your partner is your best friend. Your soul mate. Someone who you are not to hold secrets from.

There is no comparison. This woman did not have an affair. It started before she was with her current partner. It finished before they were exclusive. There is no evidence that what transpired was anything other than platonic so no cheating was involved. We dont know if she was paid for her time or if the only benefit she received involved the client covering all the expenses of an evening out somewhere that would be out of her range. They are only together a few months.

I don't know how I feel about what she did but from the evidence that the OP has to go on nothing seedy took place. We don't know why she did this, money problems, addiction to feed, boredom or just simple curiosity. I do know how I feel about a new partner going through an email account and digging into wattsap. I've been with my partner 7 years and I've often been alone in the room with his phone or laptop open on his email account and I've never gone through them.

OP needs to get to grips with what this information means to him. If he's worried about her doing this again but with sex for sale he really needs to talk to her and to do this he needs to fess up about the snooping. She hasn't done anything wrong to the OP. He, on the other hand, has betrayed her trust and invaded her privacy very early into a relationship. I do get why he has concerns, but, if I were her, I'd be very concerned about what he did, too.

B.A._Baracus

kenmm wrote: »

That is false equivalence for a start. Cheating on your partner of years is nothing like the situation the op outlined. I fail to see it's relevance.

A relationship is built on trust. Trust that your partner can confide in you and trust that you have the right to your own life.

The couple in this scenario are just in the process of forming that relationship, the girl done some stuff that she (probably, maybe? Who knows) isn't proud of right at the time they met.

The trust required hasn't been fully established for whatever reason. Possibly because she felt that she would be judged (just look at this thread for example!) Or for reasons that we cannot know.

On top of that the op did snoop, and not just a casual glance, but a good old dig around email (before knowing anything) and then on to wa. That there is pretty serious and hence enough reason as to why it could have gotten '35 likes'.

Who's to know that once COVID settled and they got closer still that she would have spoken about this period on her life one she felt able to? Or maybe never because it's something in her past? Or maybe she is a full on sex addict that was doing all sorts, but at this stage they still need to talk this out to see if trust can be built back up as it's taken a bit if a blow all round.

No offense but your post is like a page torn out of a "how to brilliant person" book and sadly by that I do mean it's fake. It's overly nice. It's overly understanding. It's not realistic.

It's an opinion of looking on the outside in. Because if were to put myself in the ops shoes and finding out the woman I've been dating has gone on sugar daddy dates? ... That ain't good.

Be only natural to think:
- Am I getting used too?
- what else don't I know about?
- has she done escorting? Because this whole sugar daddy business is a precursor to being an escort.

You say how she could have told the op during corona. That's ifs and buts as it didn't happen.
But it has to be said that alot of people have received the warning bells early on in relationships. Could these not be the ops tolling right now?