Mum died, Dad non composmentis

JustAThought

Thinking of you OP and the awful and tragic situation you find yourself and your father in.

A colleague recently had no choice due to dementia and huge distress/anger issues and then multiple falls but to organise for their loved one to live in a 24 hour care home - they had spent 2 years of a niggtmare while their family and relationships fell apart and given up a great job which they will never get back now & are heartbroken. They feel they have failed their other half, children and in their career - as well as to their loved one. It is heartbreaking to see that despite all their painnand sacrifices and determination the choice was eventually taken away out of their hands
and rhey lost so much despite all the sacrifices they made - and aLl the money they paid for private home care.

You may not want to say what part of the world are you broadly based in. North leinster, West Cork etc - it might help to get peoples positive or negative feedback on resources or possible solutions in your geographic area. I know of one entirely free all day centre run by the nuns in South Dublin where a e6 fee for lunch and dinner is all that is asked and everything else provided foc. Its unbelievable reaLly what some places offer. There are also two new places open , one with daycare or residental and one with 24/7 care - I suppose we only think of 24 residental care when perhaps there might be other options. I hear what you said about your Dads refusal to change or adapt - has anyone spoken to
him about his fears and what you are all
thinking? It might put his anxiety at ease ssomewhat. Dont be sucked into making promises or let anyone else make those promises - unless they are going to step in and give up their life and future and home .

Its a nightmare of guilt to be forced into and I feel your siblings selfishness and wilfullness trying to trap you - the house will be lost anyway and need to be sold in future inheritances to capital
gains tax bills and inheritance tax bills that will occour in the future - your siblings know this don’t they? Dont throw your home and mortgage away
for a siblings house ambitions and money greed. Im so sorry about your Dads illness and your
mother, may she rest in peace.

ennis81

I’m so sorry for your loss, I have experienced a very similar situation, my mam died in May, my dad and myself had been caring for her for the last 10
years, she had dementia and was very immobile, I am the youngest of 5 girls, I am married and have 2 children myself.
My father never wanted mam to go into a nursing home, so I had the stairlift put in renovations done to the bathroom etc to care for her at home, we also received 5 hrs Home help a week from the HSE, eventually after a few falls last year, I finally got my father to agree to the fair deal scheme as his own health was starting to suffer, we had a date for her going into the nursing home and COVID hit, sadly she got sicker during the lockdown and passed in May, my father was sick in the same hospital at the time, it’s hard for me to discribe how terrible this all was.
During all of this my 4 other siblings have been very little help, they left me to deal with ABSOLUTELY everything, my father is still ill himself and now one other sister helps me with him, reading your posts and this thread has opened my eyes to how much I’ve been through, everything others have said is true, your sisters will
guilt you, make pathetic excuses and leave you to deal with everything IF you let them.
My honest advice to you is to put your dad in a nursing home, it’s the best solution, I totally understand how upsetting it will be with your description of his behavior, but realistically this situation is only going to get worse and you are only prolonging the heartache sadly, you need to start with your dads GP and the public health nurse, they will get you the referrals you need for an occupational therapist and a geriatric assessment,
Your sisters sound as horribly selfish as mine and I have no advice there, I no longer speak to 3 of mine and I never will again, like yourself I’ve done my best for my parents, you sound like a lovely person who deserves to be happy, I really wish you all the best x

LegacyUser

Just a quick message as I was in the same boat and the fallout ruined my life.

We had to get live in carers but dad's dementia began to manifest as physical aggression - he was an absolute gentleman his entire life I have to add - but carers, and us as family, no longer felt safe on our own and so we had to move him into a nursing home.

My one piece of advice: please take out power of attorney, ASAP. You sound like you care more than your siblings. Don't let them have a say on what happens to him in the future if you can't trust them now. If you don't get power of attorney now while he is still with it to some extent, it may become impossible later. Do it now if you can. Good luck, and please take good care of yourself and your dad. Forget everyone else.

Sorry about that

StereoSound wrote: »

One of my sister's in all honesty I don't trust her with her suggested care schedule of Mondays and Saturdays. Tomorrow is her first day caring for Dad in a full day since Mam passed. I reminded her earlier about it and she is silent. I reckon she is pacing up and down dreading tommorow. Wouldnt surprise me if she pretends to be sick or something to get out of it. She is fierce protective of her freedom.

I definitely cannot be socially isolated by this. I have very much been bullied into his care and as I said to my sister's the other evening if I didn't protest I would stuck with him 24/7 and you would be delighted!

With the new temporary care schedule we supposedly worked out between ourselves we will see how things go. One sister is doing Wednesday and and Thursday from 9am to 6pm. The other difficult sister is doing Monday from 12:30 pm to 5pm, Saturday from 9am to 6pm. This gives me more time to move and get things done outside the house. But as I said I am not holding this rotated care times as gospel.

Another issue you may be faced with, is your Dad's unpredictable behaviour. You mentioned that he can kick doors, scream, and at times absconds from home. I would be surprised if the HSE or a private agency employed by the HSE would send in carers, to a person who is volatile, and may lash out. In his confusion, your Dad may feel threatened and put himself or them in harm's way. You mentioned that a home help was in the home, but they would have been only employed to help with housework as a support to your mother.

I would encourage you to be present for your Dad's assessment, and omit nothing. Remember that you are not qualified to care for your Dad, and are battling on nonetheless, but this isn't sustainable. Keep the chin up, you'll get through this, and you've already done a great job of getting your sisters to do their bit. Well done.