Your Red Chair Story

gogo

What’s your red chair story, that one horrendous, incredulous story you can tell about yourself:

Mine, is when I was about 15 and travelled to another school to see some Shakespeare play on a school trip, the play was on late and was a special ‘school’ showing.
I went to a convent and I was 100% attending for the boys and not the Shakespeare. We got chatting to some lads before the play started and they were going outside for a smoke, me and the girls of course tagged along.. we snuck outside a side door in the hall and the lad in front of me stumbled, it was dark out, I just heard him say ‘oh Jesus’ when I stepped out .....
It was then I proceeded to fall down an open man hole. All the way down an open man hole, I don’t know how many feet but I was in well over my head. I dislocated my two ankles on the way down as there spindly selves tried to stop my fall by shoving off the wall.
Both ankles dislocated and then broke when they tried to stand me up on them when they pulled me out.

To make matters worse, when they they brought me back into the hall, screaming with two dangling feet, they sat me in front of the audience and took off my shoes for the world to see my big toe sticking out a hole in my sock, I don’t know which was worse to this day, two broken ankles, or roaring crying in front of a couple of hundred people and my big toe on show to the world and thinking how my mother would have been so disappointed knowing I had a hole in my sock and all those people knowing it.

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

JasonStatham

My God.

PsychoPete

I've never owned a red chair, I have some grey ones

Rodney Bathgate

Would the time I poo-ed myself while sitting on a red chair count?

I only sit on brown chairs these days, just in case.

ILoveYourVibes

gogo wrote: »

What’s yours?

You have got be aware that this stuff doesn't happen to every one right?

gogo

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You have got be aware that this stuff doesn't happen to every one right?

If it happened today Id be laughing all the way from court to the bank, happened before sue nation unfortunately.

I have load of stories for the red chair, normally a issue of which one, assumed every one was the same .....

ILoveYourVibes

gogo wrote: »

If it happened today Id be laughing all the way from court to the bank, happened before sue nation unfortunately.

I have load of stories for the red chair, normally a issue of which one, assumed every one was the same .....

You should write a book !

I'd buy it.

One eyed Jack

gogo wrote: »

I have load of stories for the red chair, normally a issue of which one, assumed every one was the same .....

I thought of a few when I read the thread title, but then I read the opening post and realised mine are shìt in comparison to that

Purple Mountain

gogo wrote: »

What’s your red chair story, that one horrendous, incredulous story you can tell about yourself:

Mine, is when I was about 15 and travelled to another school to see some Shakespeare play on a school trip, the play was on late and was a special ‘school’ showing.
I went to a convent and I was 100% attending for the boys and not the Shakespeare. We got chatting to some lads before the play started and they were going outside for a smoke, me and the girls of course tagged along.. we snuck outside a side door in the hall and the lad in front of me stumbled, it was dark out, I just heard him say ‘oh Jesus’ when I stepped out .....
It was then I proceeded to fall down an open man hole. All the way down an open man hole, I don’t know how many feet but I was in well over my head. I dislocated my two ankles on the way down as there spindly selves tried to stop my fall by shoving off the wall.
Both ankles dislocated and then broke when they tried to stand me up on them when they pulled me out.

To make matters worse, when they they brought me back into the hall, screaming with two dangling feet, they sat me in front of the audience and took off my shoes for the world to see my big toe sticking out a hole in my sock, I don’t know which was worse to this day, two broken ankles, or roaring crying in front of a couple of hundred people and my big toe on show to the world and thinking how my mother would have been so disappointed knowing I had a hole in my sock and all those people knowing it.

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

Go on, you can walk

Church on Tuesday

In fairness OP, I don't think that can be topped.

Well, unless one of the resident "characters" come up with summit.

Granny Smyth

I have 3 stories and they'd win but I cant tell anyone ever

Gregor Samsa

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I thought of a few when I read the thread title, but then I read the opening post and realised mine are shìt in comparison to that

Yeah, I was all set to tell the story of the time I accidentally punched a dolphin. But neither of us were hurt and I apologised, so the OPs story definitely beats it.

fleet_admiral

I was chatting up a stunner of a girl in a pub year's ago. Things were going extremely well, we were literally about to leave to go back to mine.
I needed to fart and said to myself that I'd get away with it because the pub is noisy. I farted and completely followed through. It was then I realised that drinking porterhouse red ale all day on an empty stomach was not a good idea. None if it was solid, it was literally rusty piss.
I had to make an excuse and leg it. Never heard from the broad again

I Am Nobody

During Bike Week in Sturgis 1990,my club and our affiliate was in Gunner's Lounge.When a rival club came in starting ****e with the affiliate.And next thing guns comes out and it's a ****eshow. Now Gunner's isn't a very big place but it was jammed packed with all sorts of people.And I remember there was this Aussie with a huge knife charging the cops and he didn't last long.
How myself and a few friends made it out is beyond me,but I think 11 people died during that and scores were injured inside and out of Gunner's.That also was the last time I attended Sturgis.

Apologies if that was too dark for the red chair,but there ya go.

gogo

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

Yeah, I was all set to tell the story of the time I accidentally punched a dolphin. But neither of us were hurt and I apologised, so the OPs story definitely beats it.

A dolphin punch needs to be told .....

corner of hells

gogo wrote: »

What’s your red chair story, that one horrendous, incredulous story you can tell about yourself:

Mine, is when I was about 15 and travelled to another school to see some Shakespeare play on a school trip, the play was on late and was a special ‘school’ showing.
I went to a convent and I was 100% attending for the boys and not the Shakespeare. We got chatting to some lads before the play started and they were going outside for a smoke, me and the girls of course tagged along.. we snuck outside a side door in the hall and the lad in front of me stumbled, it was dark out, I just heard him say ‘oh Jesus’ when I stepped out .....
It was then I proceeded to fall down an open man hole. All the way down an open man hole, I don’t know how many feet but I was in well over my head. I dislocated my two ankles on the way down as there spindly selves tried to stop my fall by shoving off the wall.
Both ankles dislocated and then broke when they tried to stand me up on them when they pulled me out.

To make matters worse, when they they brought me back into the hall, screaming with two dangling feet, they sat me in front of the audience and took off my shoes for the world to see my big toe sticking out a hole in my sock, I don’t know which was worse to this day, two broken ankles, or roaring crying in front of a couple of hundred people and my big toe on show to the world and thinking how my mother would have been so disappointed knowing I had a hole in my sock and all those people knowing it.

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

Managed to break both wrists years ago on a building site .
The cnuts I was working decided I wasn't injured and left me lying on the ground in pain.

That's all minor detail though , I had to drink pints with a straw , had to wear a tracksuit bottoms in order to make life easy when going for a slash and the fcukin headbanger I'm married to thought it was hilarious.

Gregor Samsa

gogo wrote: »

A dolphin punch needs to be told .....

I was scuba diving with my wife in a bay in Co. Clare. Just a shore dive. She’s a very experienced instructor, and I was a nervous novice. There’s a local dolphin, Dusty, that often follows divers or boats. We were down at 15 metres, and Dusty came along. I’d swam with her before, but dolphins are bloody big, very agile yokes, and it spooked me a bit, down at that depth in the murky water.

She suddenly disappeared from view. I turned sharply to see if she was behind me, and as I did my first struck her right in the eye. It was quite a thump. I literally put up my hands and said “I’m sooooo sorry!” with my regulator in my mouth.

Last year I was kayaking in the very same bay. She came along side me, and followed me all the way over to some sea caves I wanted to explore. She spent about an hour with me, just swimming around my kayak, over to, in, and back from the caves. So I assume all is forgiven.

Church on Tuesday

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

I was scuba diving with my wife in a bay in Co. Clare. Just a shore dive. She’s a very experienced instructor, and I was a nervous novice. There’s a local dolphin, Dusty, that often follows divers or boats. We were down at 15 metres, and Dusty came along. I’d swam with her before, but dolphins are bloody big, very agile yokes, and it spooked me a bit, down at that depth in the murky water.

She suddenly disappeared from view. I turned sharply to see if she was behind me, and as I did my first struck her right in the eye. It was quite a thump. I literally put up my hands and said “I’m sooooo sorry!” with my regulator in my mouth.

Last year I was kayaking in the very same bay. She came along side me, and followed me all the way over to some sea caves I wanted to explore. She spent about an hour with me, just swimming around my kayak, over to, in, and back from the caves. So I assume all is forgiven.

I like that one, you can walk, no red chair dumping for you.

I liked OP's story as well but I thought that saying you can walk away may be a bit insensitive all things considered.

Next.

endacl

I’m not telling my oily flute story again. People would say I’ve been milking it...

humberklog

I was sitting on top of a high wooden gate in Israel as a bus load of holocaust survivors and their families were disembarking and about to take a tour of the area. As they approached me for directions and leaflets their faces took on a look of horror.

As it was the late 80's my shiny shorts were very shiny and short and the inner lining of them wasn't great. Yep, my cock and balls were completely hanging out as I was shouting directions at them and waving my arms about.

As if the poor fookers hadn't been through enough in life,

cj maxx

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Go on, you can walk

How insensitive of you PM

One eyed Jack

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

I like that one, you can walk, no red chair dumping for you.

I liked OP's story as well but I thought that saying you can walk away may be a bit insensitive all things considered.

Next.

I’m only copping Purple Mountains quip now, I thought it was more of a “g’wan”, as in “you’re not dead”

I’d some laugh at Gregors “I’m sooo sorry” with the dolphin :pac:

James Bond Junior

humberklog wrote: »

I was sitting on top of a high wooden gate in Palestine as a bus load of holocaust survivors and their families were disembarking and about to take a tour of the area. As they approached me for directions and leaflets their faces took on a look of horror.

As it was the late 80's my shiny shorts were very shiny and short and the inner lining of them wasn't great. Yep, my cock and balls were completely hanging out as I was shouting directions at them and waving my arms about.

As if the poor fookers hadn't been through enough in life,

Fixed that there for you.

Gretas Gonna Get Ya!

gogo wrote: »

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

Ouch! :eek:

You didn't deserve to smash both your ankles, just because you were a bit of a tramp...

You deserved to get pregnant, and develop a substance abuse problem and wind up on the Jeremy Kyle show screaming obscenities on national TV. That would have been a more reasonable outcome! :pac:

looksee

OP, what had happened to the 'oh Jesus' guy? Was he left down the manhole?

upupup

On a sun holiday with my friend many years ago and drunk,we decided to buy some weed and in the process we got two very large acid tabs that we presumed were fake.We swallowed them and 30 minutes later the lsd kicked.
I lost my friend and was then mugged by the guys that sold us the drugs.They took my wallet but never hurt me.I was too high to look for the police.
After a few hours of walking around this Strange town tripping looking for my friend I saw the guys that mugged me coming the other way and as I passed them I said hello and they smiled back.:)....they knew I had no money and knew I was tripping.

Sardonicat

upupup wrote: »

On a sun holiday with my friend many years ago and drunk,we decided to buy some weed and in the process we got two very large acid tabs that we presumed were fake.We swallowed them and 30 minutes later the lsd kicked.
I lost my friend and was then mugged by the guys that sold us the drugs.They took my wallet but never hurt me.I was too high to look for the police.
After a few hours of walking around this Strange town tripping looking for my friend I saw the guys that mugged me coming the other way and as I passed them I said hello and they smiled back.:)....they knew I had no money and knew I was tripping.

I have some questions. Why did you buy the acid if you thought it was fake? Did the guys throw it in as a freebie in the hope they could mug you later? And if you thought it was fake what did you hope to gain from taking it? Did you find your friend? Had he been mugged too? Lastly, are you always this laid back in the face of adversity?

gogo

looksee wrote: »

OP, what had happened to the 'oh Jesus' guy? Was he left down the manhole?

He clearly had a bigger step than me and pretty much cleared it, he caught himself, no idea really, after his oh Jesus he didn’t enter my thoughts again, there were other people out there before us as well, so I assume they stepped over it or around it, Not sure to be honest, I just know that I was the idiot who didn’t manage to clear it

upupup

Sardonicat wrote: »

I have some questions. Why did you buy the acid if you thought it was fake? Did the guys throw it in as a freebie in the hope they could mug you later? And if you thought it was fake what did you hope to gain from taking it? Did you find your friend? Had he been mugged too? Lastly, are you always this laid back in the face of adversity?

There was about 10 guys of African decent in the group so it was a tense encounter.we asked for weed and they offered us the tabs too so we made a deal,we handed over the money and they gave us the drugs but we were not gonna argue with them after seeing the strangely large tabs.
We ate the tabs because we had paid for them!
My friend wasn't mugged but was chased by the gang and got away but got very lost for hours in the process.
there was no violence needed to mug me as i was outnumbered 10 to 1
When I'm on holidays i'm always laid back:)

gogo

I Am Nobody wrote: »

During Bike Week in Sturgis 1998,my club and our affiliate was in Gunner's Lounge.When a rival club came in starting ****e with the affiliate.And next thing guns comes out and it's a ****eshow. Now Gunners isn't a very big place but it was jammed packed with all sorts of people.And I remember there was this Aussie with a huge knife charging the cops and he didn't last long.
How myself and a few friends made it out is beyond me,but I think 11 people died during that and scores were injured inside and out of Gunner's.That also was the last time I attended Sturgis.

Apologies if that was too dark for the red chair,but there ya go.

You can walk Jax Teller

Oranage2

I was in Mumbai in India, all of a sudden a bad dose of the Delhi belly came upon me, couldn't find a toilet, saw a billboard and looked behind it but there were hundreds of rats, I couldn't hold it any longer so right there on the street I pulled down my pants and diarrhea'd with hundreds of Indians looking at me.

One eyed Jack

Oranage2 wrote: »

I was in Mumbai in India, all of a sudden a bad dose of the Delhi belly came upon me, couldn't find a toilet, saw a billboard and looked behind it but there were hundreds of rats, I couldn't hold it any longer so right there on the street I pulled down my pants and diarrhea'd with hundreds of Indians looking at me.

“That’s disgraceful, he isn’t using his hand to wipe!”


:pac:

freshpopcorn

I met this woman on a night out when I was about 19.
We got on fine and she came back to my my place for a bit of fun. We added one another on Facebook, etc..
A few weeks later I bumped into her again in the same place, had a few drinks but it was hard to hear in the club and went back to my place. There was the odd thing said that slightly didn’t add up.
The next morning she started on about adding her on Facebook and I was like I thought I already did that.
Then it dawned on me. That they were twin sisters.

I Am Nobody

gogo wrote: »

You can walk Jax Teller

Ha!Ah but no,mine is a true story with real people.You should look it up whenever your bored,cupcake.
Here you are sweetheart,the link in case you think I made the whole thing up.
https://apnews.com/eee7db79d730d6b0be51456bcbefe09f

ShatterAlan

gogo wrote: »

What’s your red chair story, that one horrendous, incredulous story you can tell about yourself:

Mine, is when I was about 15 and travelled to another school to see some Shakespeare play on a school trip, the play was on late and was a special ‘school’ showing.
I went to a convent and I was 100% attending for the boys and not the Shakespeare. We got chatting to some lads before the play started and they were going outside for a smoke, me and the girls of course tagged along.. we snuck outside a side door in the hall and the lad in front of me stumbled, it was dark out, I just heard him say ‘oh Jesus’ when I stepped out .....
It was then I proceeded to fall down an open man hole. All the way down an open man hole, I don’t know how many feet but I was in well over my head. I dislocated my two ankles on the way down as there spindly selves tried to stop my fall by shoving off the wall.
Both ankles dislocated and then broke when they tried to stand me up on them when they pulled me out.

To make matters worse, when they they brought me back into the hall, screaming with two dangling feet, they sat me in front of the audience and took off my shoes for the world to see my big toe sticking out a hole in my sock, I don’t know which was worse to this day, two broken ankles, or roaring crying in front of a couple of hundred people and my big toe on show to the world and thinking how my mother would have been so disappointed knowing I had a hole in my sock and all those people knowing it.

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

A hole in your fcuking sock?


You could have broken your bloody neck.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

I hate the red chair bit on Graham Norton. Usually toe-curling.

Balmed Out

I think I digitally raped an anaconda once.

In Venezuela on a kind of safari like trip through these wetlands. Guide spotted the snake but needed a good few of us to pull it out, I remember that I had a great grip as one finger had slipped into some sort of groove. It wasn't a groove.

I Am Nobody

Balmed Out wrote: »

I think I digitally raped an anaconda once.

In Venezuela on a kind of safari like trip through these wetlands. Guide spotted the snake but needed a good few of us to pull it out, I remember that I had a great grip as one finger had slipped into some sort of groove. It wasn't a groove.

Question is did you enjoy it?Durty bastard.lol.

Sardonicat

I Am Nobody wrote: »

Question is did you enjoy it?Durty bastard.lol.

More importantly, did the anaconda?

Badly Drunk Boy

My stories were from the 90s, and probably not the worst I could come up with, but both were with the same friend. And we didn't even go out on too many sessions together...

The first one was only for the denouement; we drank loads of pints, went towards home, passed my home to his which was strangely in the countryside even though it was only a mile from my house. We had another drink or two, played the Sega-megadrive, and then I went home. Or did I?

I woke up at 7am on a gorgeous August morning, not a cloud in the sky, and dressed in black (complete with Cromby coat and steel toe cap boots) in the garden of the lawn of my friend's neighbour, with this 70 year-old man with a pitchpork to my neck shouting "Get out!". I was barely in his gate!!

I won though. He's dead now! :pac:

Badly Drunk Boy

The second one was with the same friend. We started out the night with Buckfast, went onto Bulmers, but added the odd Sambuca every now and them. I was grand until I bumped my head off the door-top of the mini-bus that we got to a local-ish nightclub. I bumped my head, fell forward, and hit my head off the wall dashing. I still have the scar. I woke up at 5am not remembering what had happened at first, but wondered why the knee of my black jeans was orange-ish.

.

Purple Mountain

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I’m only copping Purple Mountains quip now, I thought it was more of a “g’wan”, as in “you’re not dead”

Should have said 'said in posh voice while sipping glass of wine'.

Widdensushi

Oranage2 wrote: »

I was in Mumbai in India, all of a sudden a bad dose of the Delhi belly came upon me, couldn't find a toilet, saw a billboard and looked behind it but there were hundreds of rats, I couldn't hold it any longer so right there on the street I pulled down my pants and diarrhea'd with hundreds of Indians looking at me.

But had you a mask?

Purple Mountain

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I met this woman on a night out when I was about 19.
We got on fine and she came back to my my place for a bit of fun. We added one another on Facebook, etc..
A few weeks later I bumped into her again in the same place, had a few drinks but it was hard to hear in the club and went back to my place. There was the odd thing said that slightly didn’t add up.
The next morning she started on about adding her on Facebook and I was like I thought I already did that.
Then it dawned on me. That they were twin sisters.

No way, that did NOT happen..

Ultima Thule

Balmed Out wrote: »

I think I digitally raped an anaconda once.

In Venezuela on a kind of safari like trip through these wetlands. Guide spotted the snake but needed a good few of us to pull it out, I remember that I had a great grip as one finger had slipped into some sort of groove. It wasn't a groove.

Sounds like a story Chuck Norris would tell if he got bit on the finger by a snake.

I Am Nobody

Ultima Thule wrote: »

Sounds like a story Chuck Norris would tell if he got bit on the finger by a snake.

Chuck Norris wouldn't of just fingered it.He would have ****ed the **** out it and made it his own.

khalessi

When I was 18 and had a bit of va va voom about me, I was working in a hospital and we decided to put on a Christmas play with the residents. Anyhow I got a main role and my costume necessitated a strapless bra but I wasnt told this till the day of the play and the front of the costume had starch holding it up.

Anyhow a couple of pranksters thought it would be a good idea to give the dress a good shake and loosen the starch, mainly to get me back for various pranks. I arrive in to be handed the costume and went ohhhhhkay hmmmmm. Off comes the bra on goes the costume.

So we are dancing around and I have to spin 4 or 5 times and as I spin to face the back of stage I see a camera flash going offstage and a colleague in a pink panther outfit hit the floor laughing his ass off, meanwhile I hear someone on stage going your dress, your dress. I continue spinning look down and the dress slipped further than it should, exposing more than a handful shall we say.

So, while spinning I pulled it up and took a huge flourishing bow when finished. Unfortunately my bosses were a religous order and there were 40 or so in the audience that night and they told me later jokingly that the video would keep them warm on many a winters night. I had relatives of the residents coming up to me for months after offering their condolences on the events of that night.

khalessi

khalessi wrote: »

When I was 18 and had a bit of va va voom about me, I was working in a hospital and we decided to put on a Christmas play with the residents. Anyhow I got a main role and my costume necessitated a strapless bra but I wasnt told this till the day of the play and the front of the costume had starch holding it up.

Anyhow a couple of pranksters thought it would be a good idea to give the dress a good shake and loosen the starch, mainly to get me back for various pranks. I arrive in to be handed the costume and went ohhhhhkay hmmmmm. Off comes the bra on goes the costume.

So we are dancing around and I have to spin 4 or 5 times and as I spin to face the back of stage I see a camera flash going offstage and a colleague in a pink panther outfit hit the floor laughing his ass off, meanwhile I hear someone on stage going your dress, your dress. I continue spinning look down and the dress slipped further than it should, exposing more than a handful shall we say.

So, while spinning I pulled it up and took a huge flourishing bow when finished. Unfortunately my bosses were a religous order and there were 40 or so in the audience that night and they told me later jokingly that the video would keep them warm on many a winters night. I had relatives of the residents coming up to me for months after offering their condolences on the events of that night.

Is there somewhere I can download this?

Sam Hain

A long long time ago, the girlfriend at the time asked me to go on holiday with her family, her dad, brothers, aunties and uncles , cousins, etc. to the Canaries to spend Xmas. As much as I didn't want to go, she finally persuaded me. As this was my first holiday abroad as such, and being very uncultured in travelling, I was still filled with a child like enthusiasm as the departure date neared.

Unprepared, i just threw a few items into a suitcase the night before when she called and told me to pack a few items as she knew how useless I was. She said " Don't forget to pack your swimwear", I couldnt swim very well and gave up lessons as a teenager. Did I even have any swimwear. After searching the house I found a trusty old pair of speedos from the time I was learning and threw them into my suitcase.

The holiday was great and on Xmas eve we went out and got really drunk. I was so hungover the next day but still a bit giddy drunk, so I had a bit of lie in. I was woken by the girlfriend saying all the family members were gathered by the pool and to get my swimwear on and come on down. So I got up, found my swimming trunks and barely managed to squeeze into them. **** me they were very tight and my movement very restricted.

So forward I marched a bit fuzzy headed and started the 20 odd step descent down to the pool area where everyone was gathered. I was moving akin to new born foal but trying to remain as graceful in my movement as the garment would allow, taking it step by step. But the looks on the gathered faces changed from neutral to aghast with my girlfriend signalling downwards with her head. I ignored this for some seconds but then I looked down, and much to my horror, one rogue ball had escaped from the cradle of the speedos and was dangling on my thigh .

I instantly grabbed my ball and pushed it back in behind the fabric which resulted in the other nut slipping out on the other side this continued for maybe 2 or 3 movements creating something akin to a testicular Newtons cradle in full motion. By the time I had made it to the pool area, one of my girlfriends aunties got up and wrapped a towel around my waist. I was mortified.

khalessi

Deleted User wrote: »

Is there somewhere I can download this?

:pac::pac::pac: too long ago luckily

I Am Nobody

The 7 years I spent at FCI Memphis.After my release,spent a week in a ICE detainment centre. And then on to Ireland,where I spent 30 hours questioning with the garda. Thats what happens boys and girls when you federally **** up in the US.