Your Red Chair Story

gogo · 24-07-2020 08:09PM #1

What’s your red chair story, that one horrendous, incredulous story you can tell about yourself:

Mine, is when I was about 15 and travelled to another school to see some Shakespeare play on a school trip, the play was on late and was a special ‘school’ showing.
I went to a convent and I was 100% attending for the boys and not the Shakespeare. We got chatting to some lads before the play started and they were going outside for a smoke, me and the girls of course tagged along.. we snuck outside a side door in the hall and the lad in front of me stumbled, it was dark out, I just heard him say ‘oh Jesus’ when I stepped out .....
It was then I proceeded to fall down an open man hole. All the way down an open man hole, I don’t know how many feet but I was in well over my head. I dislocated my two ankles on the way down as there spindly selves tried to stop my fall by shoving off the wall.
Both ankles dislocated and then broke when they tried to stand me up on them when they pulled me out.

To make matters worse, when they they brought me back into the hall, screaming with two dangling feet, they sat me in front of the audience and took off my shoes for the world to see my big toe sticking out a hole in my sock, I don’t know which was worse to this day, two broken ankles, or roaring crying in front of a couple of hundred people and my big toe on show to the world and thinking how my mother would have been so disappointed knowing I had a hole in my sock and all those people knowing it.

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

JasonStatham · 24-07-2020 08:10PM

My God.

PsychoPete · 24-07-2020 08:13PM

I've never owned a red chair, I have some grey ones

Rodney Bathgate · 24-07-2020 08:15PM

Would the time I poo-ed myself while sitting on a red chair count?

I only sit on brown chairs these days, just in case.

ILoveYourVibes · 24-07-2020 09:04PM

gogo wrote: »

What’s yours?

You have got be aware that this stuff doesn't happen to every one right?

gogo · 24-07-2020 09:09PM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You have got be aware that this stuff doesn't happen to every one right?

If it happened today Id be laughing all the way from court to the bank, happened before sue nation unfortunately.

I have load of stories for the red chair, normally a issue of which one, assumed every one was the same .....

ILoveYourVibes · 24-07-2020 09:15PM

gogo wrote: »

If it happened today Id be laughing all the way from court to the bank, happened before sue nation unfortunately.

I have load of stories for the red chair, normally a issue of which one, assumed every one was the same .....

You should write a book !

I'd buy it.

One eyed Jack · 24-07-2020 09:16PM

gogo wrote: »

I have load of stories for the red chair, normally a issue of which one, assumed every one was the same .....

I thought of a few when I read the thread title, but then I read the opening post and realised mine are shìt in comparison to that

Purple Mountain · 24-07-2020 09:18PM

gogo wrote: »

What’s your red chair story, that one horrendous, incredulous story you can tell about yourself:

Mine, is when I was about 15 and travelled to another school to see some Shakespeare play on a school trip, the play was on late and was a special ‘school’ showing.
I went to a convent and I was 100% attending for the boys and not the Shakespeare. We got chatting to some lads before the play started and they were going outside for a smoke, me and the girls of course tagged along.. we snuck outside a side door in the hall and the lad in front of me stumbled, it was dark out, I just heard him say ‘oh Jesus’ when I stepped out .....
It was then I proceeded to fall down an open man hole. All the way down an open man hole, I don’t know how many feet but I was in well over my head. I dislocated my two ankles on the way down as there spindly selves tried to stop my fall by shoving off the wall.
Both ankles dislocated and then broke when they tried to stand me up on them when they pulled me out.

To make matters worse, when they they brought me back into the hall, screaming with two dangling feet, they sat me in front of the audience and took off my shoes for the world to see my big toe sticking out a hole in my sock, I don’t know which was worse to this day, two broken ankles, or roaring crying in front of a couple of hundred people and my big toe on show to the world and thinking how my mother would have been so disappointed knowing I had a hole in my sock and all those people knowing it.

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

Go on, you can walk

Church on Tuesday · 24-07-2020 09:20PM

In fairness OP, I don't think that can be topped.

Well, unless one of the resident "characters" come up with summit.

Granny Smyth · 24-07-2020 10:40PM

I have 3 stories and they'd win but I cant tell anyone ever

Gregor Samsa · 24-07-2020 10:41PM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I thought of a few when I read the thread title, but then I read the opening post and realised mine are shìt in comparison to that

Yeah, I was all set to tell the story of the time I accidentally punched a dolphin. But neither of us were hurt and I apologised, so the OPs story definitely beats it.

fleet_admiral · 24-07-2020 10:46PM

I was chatting up a stunner of a girl in a pub year's ago. Things were going extremely well, we were literally about to leave to go back to mine.
I needed to fart and said to myself that I'd get away with it because the pub is noisy. I farted and completely followed through. It was then I realised that drinking porterhouse red ale all day on an empty stomach was not a good idea. None if it was solid, it was literally rusty piss.
I had to make an excuse and leg it. Never heard from the broad again

I Am Nobody · 24-07-2020 10:50PM

During Bike Week in Sturgis 1990,my club and our affiliate was in Gunner's Lounge.When a rival club came in starting ****e with the affiliate.And next thing guns comes out and it's a ****eshow. Now Gunner's isn't a very big place but it was jammed packed with all sorts of people.And I remember there was this Aussie with a huge knife charging the cops and he didn't last long.
How myself and a few friends made it out is beyond me,but I think 11 people died during that and scores were injured inside and out of Gunner's.That also was the last time I attended Sturgis.

Apologies if that was too dark for the red chair,but there ya go.

gogo · 24-07-2020 10:51PM

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

Yeah, I was all set to tell the story of the time I accidentally punched a dolphin. But neither of us were hurt and I apologised, so the OPs story definitely beats it.

A dolphin punch needs to be told .....

corner of hells · 24-07-2020 10:55PM

gogo wrote: »

What’s your red chair story, that one horrendous, incredulous story you can tell about yourself:

Mine, is when I was about 15 and travelled to another school to see some Shakespeare play on a school trip, the play was on late and was a special ‘school’ showing.
I went to a convent and I was 100% attending for the boys and not the Shakespeare. We got chatting to some lads before the play started and they were going outside for a smoke, me and the girls of course tagged along.. we snuck outside a side door in the hall and the lad in front of me stumbled, it was dark out, I just heard him say ‘oh Jesus’ when I stepped out .....
It was then I proceeded to fall down an open man hole. All the way down an open man hole, I don’t know how many feet but I was in well over my head. I dislocated my two ankles on the way down as there spindly selves tried to stop my fall by shoving off the wall.
Both ankles dislocated and then broke when they tried to stand me up on them when they pulled me out.

To make matters worse, when they they brought me back into the hall, screaming with two dangling feet, they sat me in front of the audience and took off my shoes for the world to see my big toe sticking out a hole in my sock, I don’t know which was worse to this day, two broken ankles, or roaring crying in front of a couple of hundred people and my big toe on show to the world and thinking how my mother would have been so disappointed knowing I had a hole in my sock and all those people knowing it.

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

Managed to break both wrists years ago on a building site .
The cnuts I was working decided I wasn't injured and left me lying on the ground in pain.

That's all minor detail though , I had to drink pints with a straw , had to wear a tracksuit bottoms in order to make life easy when going for a slash and the fcukin headbanger I'm married to thought it was hilarious.

Gregor Samsa · 24-07-2020 11:10PM

gogo wrote: »

A dolphin punch needs to be told .....

I was scuba diving with my wife in a bay in Co. Clare. Just a shore dive. She’s a very experienced instructor, and I was a nervous novice. There’s a local dolphin, Dusty, that often follows divers or boats. We were down at 15 metres, and Dusty came along. I’d swam with her before, but dolphins are bloody big, very agile yokes, and it spooked me a bit, down at that depth in the murky water.

She suddenly disappeared from view. I turned sharply to see if she was behind me, and as I did my first struck her right in the eye. It was quite a thump. I literally put up my hands and said “I’m sooooo sorry!” with my regulator in my mouth.

Last year I was kayaking in the very same bay. She came along side me, and followed me all the way over to some sea caves I wanted to explore. She spent about an hour with me, just swimming around my kayak, over to, in, and back from the caves. So I assume all is forgiven.

Church on Tuesday · 24-07-2020 11:21PM

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

I was scuba diving with my wife in a bay in Co. Clare. Just a shore dive. She’s a very experienced instructor, and I was a nervous novice. There’s a local dolphin, Dusty, that often follows divers or boats. We were down at 15 metres, and Dusty came along. I’d swam with her before, but dolphins are bloody big, very agile yokes, and it spooked me a bit, down at that depth in the murky water.

She suddenly disappeared from view. I turned sharply to see if she was behind me, and as I did my first struck her right in the eye. It was quite a thump. I literally put up my hands and said “I’m sooooo sorry!” with my regulator in my mouth.

Last year I was kayaking in the very same bay. She came along side me, and followed me all the way over to some sea caves I wanted to explore. She spent about an hour with me, just swimming around my kayak, over to, in, and back from the caves. So I assume all is forgiven.

I like that one, you can walk, no red chair dumping for you.

I liked OP's story as well but I thought that saying you can walk away may be a bit insensitive all things considered.

Next.

endacl · 25-07-2020 12:23AM

I’m not telling my oily flute story again. People would say I’ve been milking it...

humberklog · 25-07-2020 12:43AM

I was sitting on top of a high wooden gate in Israel as a bus load of holocaust survivors and their families were disembarking and about to take a tour of the area. As they approached me for directions and leaflets their faces took on a look of horror.

As it was the late 80's my shiny shorts were very shiny and short and the inner lining of them wasn't great. Yep, my cock and balls were completely hanging out as I was shouting directions at them and waving my arms about.

As if the poor fookers hadn't been through enough in life,

cj maxx · 25-07-2020 12:56AM

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Go on, you can walk

How insensitive of you PM

One eyed Jack · 25-07-2020 12:59AM

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

I like that one, you can walk, no red chair dumping for you.

I liked OP's story as well but I thought that saying you can walk away may be a bit insensitive all things considered.

Next.

I’m only copping Purple Mountains quip now, I thought it was more of a “g’wan”, as in “you’re not dead”

I’d some laugh at Gregors “I’m sooo sorry” with the dolphin :pac:

James Bond Junior · 25-07-2020 08:58AM

humberklog wrote: »

I was sitting on top of a high wooden gate in Palestine as a bus load of holocaust survivors and their families were disembarking and about to take a tour of the area. As they approached me for directions and leaflets their faces took on a look of horror.

As it was the late 80's my shiny shorts were very shiny and short and the inner lining of them wasn't great. Yep, my cock and balls were completely hanging out as I was shouting directions at them and waving my arms about.

As if the poor fookers hadn't been through enough in life,

Fixed that there for you.

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! · 25-07-2020 09:47AM

gogo wrote: »

I also had to explain to her the fact that I didn’t smoke .. but followed a group of lads outside like the 15 year old tramp that I was..

What’s yours?

Ouch! :eek:

You didn't deserve to smash both your ankles, just because you were a bit of a tramp...

You deserved to get pregnant, and develop a substance abuse problem and wind up on the Jeremy Kyle show screaming obscenities on national TV. That would have been a more reasonable outcome! :pac:

looksee · 25-07-2020 09:55AM

OP, what had happened to the 'oh Jesus' guy? Was he left down the manhole?

upupup · 25-07-2020 10:08AM

On a sun holiday with my friend many years ago and drunk,we decided to buy some weed and in the process we got two very large acid tabs that we presumed were fake.We swallowed them and 30 minutes later the lsd kicked.
I lost my friend and was then mugged by the guys that sold us the drugs.They took my wallet but never hurt me.I was too high to look for the police.
After a few hours of walking around this Strange town tripping looking for my friend I saw the guys that mugged me coming the other way and as I passed them I said hello and they smiled back.:)....they knew I had no money and knew I was tripping.

Sardonicat · 25-07-2020 10:15AM

upupup wrote: »

On a sun holiday with my friend many years ago and drunk,we decided to buy some weed and in the process we got two very large acid tabs that we presumed were fake.We swallowed them and 30 minutes later the lsd kicked.
I lost my friend and was then mugged by the guys that sold us the drugs.They took my wallet but never hurt me.I was too high to look for the police.
After a few hours of walking around this Strange town tripping looking for my friend I saw the guys that mugged me coming the other way and as I passed them I said hello and they smiled back.:)....they knew I had no money and knew I was tripping.

I have some questions. Why did you buy the acid if you thought it was fake? Did the guys throw it in as a freebie in the hope they could mug you later? And if you thought it was fake what did you hope to gain from taking it? Did you find your friend? Had he been mugged too? Lastly, are you always this laid back in the face of adversity?

gogo · 25-07-2020 10:16AM

looksee wrote: »

OP, what had happened to the 'oh Jesus' guy? Was he left down the manhole?

He clearly had a bigger step than me and pretty much cleared it, he caught himself, no idea really, after his oh Jesus he didn’t enter my thoughts again, there were other people out there before us as well, so I assume they stepped over it or around it, Not sure to be honest, I just know that I was the idiot who didn’t manage to clear it

upupup · 25-07-2020 10:44AM

Sardonicat wrote: »

I have some questions. Why did you buy the acid if you thought it was fake? Did the guys throw it in as a freebie in the hope they could mug you later? And if you thought it was fake what did you hope to gain from taking it? Did you find your friend? Had he been mugged too? Lastly, are you always this laid back in the face of adversity?

There was about 10 guys of African decent in the group so it was a tense encounter.we asked for weed and they offered us the tabs too so we made a deal,we handed over the money and they gave us the drugs but we were not gonna argue with them after seeing the strangely large tabs.
We ate the tabs because we had paid for them!
My friend wasn't mugged but was chased by the gang and got away but got very lost for hours in the process.
there was no violence needed to mug me as i was outnumbered 10 to 1
When I'm on holidays i'm always laid back:)

gogo · 25-07-2020 11:02AM

I Am Nobody wrote: »

During Bike Week in Sturgis 1998,my club and our affiliate was in Gunner's Lounge.When a rival club came in starting ****e with the affiliate.And next thing guns comes out and it's a ****eshow. Now Gunners isn't a very big place but it was jammed packed with all sorts of people.And I remember there was this Aussie with a huge knife charging the cops and he didn't last long.
How myself and a few friends made it out is beyond me,but I think 11 people died during that and scores were injured inside and out of Gunner's.That also was the last time I attended Sturgis.

Apologies if that was too dark for the red chair,but there ya go.

You can walk Jax Teller

Oranage2 · 25-07-2020 12:16PM

I was in Mumbai in India, all of a sudden a bad dose of the Delhi belly came upon me, couldn't find a toilet, saw a billboard and looked behind it but there were hundreds of rats, I couldn't hold it any longer so right there on the street I pulled down my pants and diarrhea'd with hundreds of Indians looking at me.

Your Red Chair Story

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