Relationship over

SusieBlue

simone79 wrote: »

But he was always the 1st to inniciate contact and meeting up wanted me to go to meet his family in april with him but he called all that off now due to my saying mean things about his ex and son said he needs to get to know me better before asking me to go his family now....I feel like I've done something so bad to him but I only got drunk and said some silly things I feel I'm been punished now by him he goes cinema with me and meals out so I think he did want a girlfriend in me but cant get past the me drinking 2 times thing and my behaviour my gut tells me he wants to keep me but I'll end up hearing about my mistake over and over as punishment

He was always the first to initiate contact because he wanted you when it suited him and on his terms.
When a man wants to be with a woman, he will move the sun, moon and stars to be with her. He simply isn't doing that and you are making excuses for him.

He used you and treated you very disrespectfully. You should be angry at him, not pining for him.

In 3 short months he has complained about you being too loud and annoying, he has regularly commented on your weight in a negative manner and he has made a fool out of you.
Be very honest with yourself, do you think those things make a good foundation for a healthy, respectful, long term relationship?
You're supposed to still be in the honeymoon period where he thinks you're the bees knees and can do no wrong.

I haven't heard one good or positive redeeming quality about this man. Why do you even like him?

simone79

Yes its was a smiles and me going along until monday and I drank now he is barely chatting to me but wanted me to stay over last night but I declined and said sat maybe cinema....he said he likes me but wont be rushing into anything with me until I show I can not drink and not let him down so either way I feel I'll be on trial trying to prove I'm trustworthy after 3 months of mean great to him I didn't think I liked him this much until he wanted to leave me then I started feeling really hurt I've no idea why

SusieBlue

simone79 wrote: »

Yes its was a smiles and me going along until monday and I drank now he is barely chatting to me but wanted me to stay over last night but I declined and said sat maybe cinema....he said he likes me but wont be rushing into anything with me until I show I can not drink and not let him down so either way I feel I'll be on trial trying to prove I'm trustworthy after 3 months of mean great to him I didn't think I liked him this much until he wanted to leave me then I started feeling really hurt I've no idea why

Ultimatums 12 weeks in are ridiculous.
Its either a dealbreaker for him or it isn't, this notion of having you on some sort of probation until he's pleased with your behaviour again is absurd.

qwerty13

simone79 wrote: »

Yes its was a smiles and me going along until monday and I drank now he is barely chatting to me but wanted me to stay over last night but I declined and said sat maybe cinema....he said he likes me but wont be rushing into anything with me until I show I can not drink and not let him down so either way I feel I'll be on trial trying to prove I'm trustworthy after 3 months of mean great to him I didn't think I liked him this much until he wanted to leave me then I started feeling really hurt I've no idea why

He wanted you to go over to him for sex last night.

He isn’t bothered chatting to you, or going to the cinema with you, and ‘don’t let him down’ 🙄, because he doesn’t give a damn about you as a person / girlfriend.

He is using you for sex. Promising you bullsh*t like meeting his family, and then removing his promises on some idiotic premise. You’re not his girlfriend. He is just having regular sex with you. Nothing more.

I’m sorry for that being harsh, but I believe that’s the truth of the situation.

simone79

Well that I've thought about as every time I suggest doing something in the day it's an excuse only at night cinema and back to his room for sex everytime its makes sense tats only reason he wants me back is sex as I suggested a day out sunday and he said probably not to just go cinema maybe and home to his after where as daytime sunday they be no chance of sex as I've work monday and wont stayover

zapper55

xuadcmamfdsafasf wrote: »

I don't know how many counselling sessions you had but you haven't had enough of them. You have a history of being in abusive relationships and that pattern has been continuing. If this man has dumped you for good, he has done you a massive favour. You just can't see it. Your self-worth and perception of relationships are so damaged, the only person you're capable of blaming is you. Please get in touch with a counsellor as soon as possible and do not get back with this man.

Simone you seemed to have missed this excellent advice so I'm posting it again. You need to be by yourself until you build up your self esteem. Otherwise you'll keep dating horrible guys. You'll probably come on to defend him shortly but he's being abusive to you. The weekly weight comments alone would be enough to send me flying.

simone79

I didn't find counselling helped me I went for 5 months and got really strong or so I thought then I met this man and I'm back to feeling crap again k suppose it's still too soon a year after my separation to take on more hurt I thought going slow would prevent me from pain like this as I was strong but obviously not I obviously have no idea what is acceptable behaviour and what is not in a relationship I probably never will now

zapper55

The right counsellor will help you understand acceptable behaviour because I think deep down you know what it is you have just been so horribly affected by the abuse you dont trust your judgement which is understandable.

I wouldnt have thought 5 months would be enough to undo it tbh. Also if you felt you had no progress at all I'd try a different counsellor.

SusieBlue

simone79 wrote: »

I didn't find counselling helped me I went for 5 months and got really strong or so I thought then I met this man and I'm back to feeling crap again k suppose it's still too soon a year after my separation to take on more hurt I thought going slow would prevent me from pain like this as I was strong but obviously not I obviously have no idea what is acceptable behaviour and what is not in a relationship I probably never will now

This will sound overly simplistic and I know that it can't be applied to everthing, but generally speaking, any behaviour that makes you feel inscure, upset, paranoid or questioning your self worth is bad and shouldn't be tolerated unless it was an unintentional mistake that is apologised for.
And at that, even if they say sorry, if its happening too often = bad.

The behavior you have described ticks all those boxes. This man has zero positive influence on your life.

claregal1

simone79 wrote: »

I didn't find counselling helped me I went for 5 months and got really strong or so I thought then I met this man and I'm back to feeling crap again k suppose it's still too soon a year after my separation to take on more hurt I thought going slow would prevent me from pain like this as I was strong but obviously not I obviously have no idea what is acceptable behaviour and what is not in a relationship I probably never will now

Simone , I was in situations like yourself for years with absolutely no self esteem or self worth and putting up with absolute assholes .
It took me of making a decision when I was 30 to focus on myself and my children and stay away from relationships until I was mentally strong enough for them again . This took me five years of focusing on myself and building up my confidence on my own before I finally felt I was ready to be with someone again .
I think this man is treating you awful and it will only get worse .
Make a clean break , block him , move on and focus on yourself for a change .

Dtp1979

simone79 wrote: »

Yes its was a smiles and me going along until monday and I drank now he is barely chatting to me but wanted me to stay over last night but I declined and said sat maybe cinema....he said he likes me but wont be rushing into anything with me until I show I can not drink and not let him down so either way I feel I'll be on trial trying to prove I'm trustworthy after 3 months of mean great to him I didn't think I liked him this much until he wanted to leave me then I started feeling really hurt I've no idea why

The common theme I see on this thread is alcohol. Seriously, why were you getting drunk on a Monday night??
Maybe quit drink for a start and find a new counsellor

ILoveYourVibes

Of course you will know what is acceptable behavior in a relationship.

When you are happy and secure. That is acceptable.

simone79

Yes ur correct that's what I'll do as I obviously cant handle my alcohol

simone79

Yes I think it's what I need to do he was drunk last night texting me like he always does on a friday telling me he still likes me and wants to be with me but then changed and started asking why we had sex so early on in the relationship and I should respect my self more all this after 3 months of dating he brings it up now then told me he got tested for stds for work medical and asked me was I clean I was so shocked I cried he clearly has no respect for me out the 3 months I gave him

nikkibikki

simone79 wrote: »

Yes I think it's what I need to do he was drunk last night texting me like he always does on a friday telling me he still likes me and wants to be with me but then changed and started asking why we had sex so early on in the relationship and I should respect my self more all this after 3 months of dating he brings it up now then told me he got tested for stds for work medical and asked me was I clean I was so shocked I cried he clearly has no respect for me out the 3 months I gave him

He had sex with you so early as well, has he no control over his own actions? He's complaining about you being rude to him when you were drunk, but he's rude to you all the time by the sounds of it! Actually, he's insulting you!

Did you stop going to counselling when you met him? If you didn't find it helped, go to a different counsellor, they all have different approaches and suit people differently.

Please don't use how some men treat you as a yard stick to measure your worth against. Their short comings are on them, not on you. They treat you this way because they are assholes. Please don't put up with sub-par treatment.

LegacyUser

Simone, I hope you dump this man and stay single for a while. You were taken in by your ex-husband who married you for a visa and treated you appallingly. The only person who failed to see that you were being used and abused was you. You buried your head in the sand and refused to see the truth because it was too awful to accept. Finally, he dumped you. Then within months you began a relationship with this man who isn’t much better. Again, you chose to ignore all the warning signs until he dumped you. Unless something changes within you, this is going to happen again and again.
You mentioned elsewhere that you’re overweight and have a facial disfigurement. While these will make it harder for you to meet someone, they don’t mean that the only men for you are the ones who abuse you. Unfortunately, they might be leading the wrong sort of men to you. The sort who think that you’re a bit desperate and will tolerate behaviour that other women won’t. That, combined with your low self-worth, means that you need to be even more on your guard. I was that fat girl for years and I was a magnet for every creep going. Be careful.
You mentioned going to a counsellor. If your current one isn’t working, try a different one. There is something about you and your psychological make-up which is leading to this persistent issue. You are in real danger of continuing this pattern of dating abusive men unless you do proper work on yourself.

simone79

I've booked in to see a councillor again.....I've been texting and begging him tell me all week why he has changed and not so interested he eventually told me to stop I'm to needy and texting to much and he rather be single then have that so we should have end things but I was him who reeled me in then when I was attached he backed off and dumped me why am I so upset after only 3 months

claregal1

simone79 wrote: »

I've booked in to see a councillor again.....I've been texting and begging him tell me all week why he has changed and not so interested he eventually told me to stop I'm to needy and texting to much and he rather be single then have that so we should have end things but I was him who reeled me in then when I was attached he backed off and dumped me why am I so upset after only 3 months

Simone , why are you texting someone that has no respect for you and insults your weight etc ?
Sorry to be harsh , but this man has already told you what he thinks of you.
As I said in my previous post , you need to work on your self esteem and underlying issues that are there from your previous relationship before you even consider another relationship.
He has given you his answer there , he considers you needy .. why are you still allowing him to treat you like this .
I've no other advice really , only that I hope you learn the tools to break this cycle of allowing men to treat you like this and this new counsellor works out for you.
Focus on yourself and your children and block this man and move on .. it's only been three months, you will get over him .

Idle Passerby

simone79 wrote: »

I've booked in to see a councillor again.....I've been texting and begging him tell me all week why he has changed and not so interested he eventually told me to stop I'm to needy and texting to much and he rather be single then have that so we should have end things but I was him who reeled me in then when I was attached he backed off and dumped me why am I so upset after only 3 months

There comes a point where your lack of self care makes you complicit in your own abuse. No one is going to ride in on a white horse and rescue you from a bad situation, you have to make the choice to leave it yourself otherwise your just saying "this is fine, carry on".

AulWan

Its seems your behaviour is being glossed over a bit here and while this guy may be an asshole, why did you get drunk and say mean things about his ex and child? and its not the first time?

I think you need to look at your own behaviour too.

If someone got drunk around me and acted like that (twice, in the space of 3 months) at the start of a relationship when you're supposed to be in the exciting new phase, then , sorry, but I'd distance myself too.

You need to work on yourself before getting into any more relationships.

simone79

Yes me getting drunk 2 times was not a good idea I dong drink often but obviously he didny like it I mean he drinks on a friday texts me all his romantic texts etc I never let that bother me I just left him at it.....I'm not excusing my behaviour by any means....but to go from crazy about mr to dumping me in 10 days is my issue then calling me needy for wanting to know why he has changed he went from texting me 20 times a day to one and of course I got confused

AulWan

simone79 wrote: »

Yes me getting drunk 2 times was not a good idea I dong drink often but obviously he didny like it I mean he drinks on a friday texts me all his romantic texts etc I never let that bother me I just left him at it.....I'm not excusing my behaviour by any means....but to go from crazy about mr to dumping me in 10 days is my issue then calling me needy for wanting to know why he has changed he went from texting me 20 times a day to one and of course I got confused

Well, keep up the counselling. Watch the alcohol intake in future - if you get to the point where its loosening your inhibitions and clouding your judgement, you've drank too much.

Stop texting him. Write this one off.

simone79

It's not losing him bothering me it's the having nobody to do things with like go cinema r breaks away all people I know have partners except me and the thought of having noting to look forward too hurts me I cant bear the long lonely nights with nobody to share with I tried keep busy but it's still always there knowing every couple be planning summer hols together and I'll be alone as usual

marieholmfan

simone79 wrote: »

It's not losing him bothering me it's the having nobody to do things with like go cinema r breaks away all people I know have partners except me and the thought of having noting to look forward too hurts me I cant bear the long lonely nights with nobody to share with I tried keep busy but it's still always there knowing every couple be planning summer hols together and I'll be alone as usual

Have you no single friends left Simone?
Things aren't that bad.
Your work is worthwhile (even if the money is bad)
You have a house
Are you getting on OK with your family?


You really have been and I say this genuinely victimised. Not so much by this fellow as the Indian one. That would give anyone's confidence a knock.


You aren't a victim though and you won't be in the future. But even though you're lonely in the evenings maybe go to a Gym or do a walking group.


Another thing that might help you is you live where you're from so you must know lots of people.

SusieBlue

simone79 wrote: »

Yes me getting drunk 2 times was not a good idea I dong drink often but obviously he didny like it I mean he drinks on a friday texts me all his romantic texts etc I never let that bother me I just left him at it.....I'm not excusing my behaviour by any means....but to go from crazy about mr to dumping me in 10 days is my issue then calling me needy for wanting to know why he has changed he went from texting me 20 times a day to one and of course I got confused

It doesn't matter why he changed his mind.
Its changed, a decision has been made, and humiliating yourself by desperately begging isn't going to change that.

It could be one reason or it could be 10 reasons, none of them matter.
If he wanted to be with you, he would, and nothing would stop him.
That's all you need to know, so stop dissecting and analysing and begging and concentrate on working on your mental health and self worth.

Honeydew3456

Sorry to hear how hurt you are BUT I suggest you stay away from men for a while.

Go and organise cinema trips/nights out with your friends.

If you don't have many girl friends get into a club be it hiking/hobby whatever.

Go on hols with your kids. Why do you need a partner for that?

Loneliness is your own perception. Can you not fill up your diary with stuff you want to do with your kids and friends. Doesn't have to be expensive.

As for lonely nights and texting, forget about these jerks. Watch a box set/read a book/visit family.

You can only find happiness within yourself first and foremost, with your own company, you can't be relying on other people to provide it for you and you will never break this cycle you are in if you continue to believe so.

claregal1

simone79 wrote: »

It's not losing him bothering me it's the having nobody to do things with like go cinema r breaks away all people I know have partners except me and the thought of having noting to look forward too hurts me I cant bear the long lonely nights with nobody to share with I tried keep busy but it's still always there knowing every couple be planning summer hols together and I'll be alone as usual

Apologies in advance if I come across harsh Simone, but that is just ridiculous thinking .
You are not alone , you have children to think of and spend time with and go on holidays with as well . You will not be the first lone parent to holiday abroad with your kids on your own , nor will you be the last . I did it for 15 years and as a result have a fantastic relationship with my three grown up children now . Do you want your children growing up and seeing you settle for less all because you are lonely and long nights lie ahead of you???
Times are different now , use facebook or whatever social media you use to connect with old friends. Meet them for lunch , coffee , play dates with your kids . Take up a class or walking group and focus on your well being and your children's well being .
Relationships break up all the time , it's a fact of life , some work out , some don't but each one brings a learning experience.
It took me 15 years of being single , working on myself , focusing on my children and trying to be the best mother I could be to them before I even considered allowing another man into my life . I'm 46 now, in a relationship two years and engaged since Christmas and it's only since I met this man that I started going away for weekends on my own without my kids .
Focus on the positives you have in your life instead of pouring all your energy into why this man has gone off you.
And go back to counselling sooner rather than later.

JackTaylorFan

simone79 wrote: »

Hi just need some advice I've been seeing a nice man for 3 months now and like him alot last night I ended getting very drunk and made a show of myself apparently I was rude to him and acting a bit nuts noting major but he said he doesnt want see me anymore as he doesnt like way I behaved I dont drink often but last night was a 1 off I have got drunk 2 time since we met but he said last nite was the last night he will be seeing me this man I think has a drink problem as he gets drunk every friday and it affects him seeing his child....I'm asking if he is been fair to me I've apologised as much as possible and vowed to never drink again should I leave him to think or just let go thank u

Honestly, if it was a one-off and out of character for you, and that's all it took for him to bolt, he's not worth it.

Had a recent mini breakdown brought on by bereavement and a ridiculous amount of stress. The moment I was no longer fun and uncomplicated he was gone. And I'm better off. You will be too.

achmairt

simone79 wrote: »

He also said I annoy him.as I talk to much and am loud

I think he saw you in a different light in your drunken state. They say the true person comes out when they're drunk. He got out while the going was good and I don't blame him. There is nothing worse than a bad drunk. You should have a little talk to yourself as you're heading for a fall girl. Sorry about being blunt but you need to be told

Tork

Did you not read the rest of the thread? There is much more to this problem than the OP drinking too much. Staying sober isn't going to break her pattern of getting involved with abusive partners. She needs to seek more professional help and get past her fear of being single. That mindset needs to change and she has to want it to.