Relationship over

simone79

Hi just need some advice I've been seeing a nice man for 3 months now and like him alot last night I ended getting very drunk and made a show of myself apparently I was rude to him and acting a bit nuts noting major but he said he doesnt want see me anymore as he doesnt like way I behaved I dont drink often but last night was a 1 off I have got drunk 2 time since we met but he said last nite was the last night he will be seeing me this man I think has a drink problem as he gets drunk every friday and it affects him seeing his child....I'm asking if he is been fair to me I've apologised as much as possible and vowed to never drink again should I leave him to think or just let go thank u

marieholmfan

simone79 wrote: »

Hi just need some advice I've been seeing a nice man for 3 months now and like him alot last night I ended getting very drunk and made a show of myself apparently I was rude to him and acting a bit nuts noting major but he said he doesnt want see me anymore as he doesnt like way I behaved I dont drink often but last night was a 1 off I have got drunk 2 time since we met but he said last nite was the last night he will be seeing me this man I think has a drink problem as he gets drunk every friday and it affects him seeing his child....I'm asking if he is been fair to me I've apologised as much as possible and vowed to never drink again should I leave him to think or just let go thank u

Simone why do you have to vow never to drink again?
Yes you made a fool of yourself . It happens.

You can't make it him take you back.

There's three million men in Ireland you'll soon find another.

simone79

He said he cant trust me anymore because I drank and was rude and I've done it 2 times now so it's best I dont drink anyway....I feel hard done by because I was very good to him

marieholmfan

simone79 wrote: »

He said he cant trust me anymore because I drank and was rude and I've done it 2 times now so it's best I dont drink anyway....I feel hard done by because I was very good to him

You are hard done by there's nothing to be done. Move on. Three months isn't that long.

Widdensushi

marieholmfan wrote: »

Simone why do you have to vow never to drink again?
Yes you made a fool of yourself . It happens.

You can't make it him take you back.

There's three million men in Ireland you'll soon find another.

not that a million would make any difference but it would be around two million, probably under it

368100

simone79 wrote: »

He said he cant trust me anymore because I drank and was rude and I've done it 2 times now so it's best I dont drink anyway....I feel hard done by because I was very good to him

You got drunk two times...or you got drunk and was rude to him two times?

simone79

simone79 wrote: »

He said he cant trust me anymore because I drank and was rude and I've done it 2 times now so it's best I dont drink anyway....I feel hard done by because I was very good to him

You got drunk & were rude..... 3 months in you should be all about him!
I think it's better Ye call it quits now

marieholmfan

Widdensushi wrote: »

not that a million would make any difference but it would be around two million, probably under it

No shortage of us anyways

marilynrr

simone79 wrote: »

I think has a drink problem as he gets drunk every friday and it affects him seeing his child...

You shouldn't want to be with him for that reason alone!!
If he has a drink problem and it affects him seeing his child then that's not a man that you want in your life.

simone79

Both he said I was nuts and rude to him but I dont think that's true I think I'm a messy drunk but not rude.....I think his exes had drink issues so now all women who drink he sees as his exes he also asked me not to go pubs without him as it's not a place for people in relationships

CorkCBR6

Hi Simone,

He could also be using that as an excuse and he's just not that into you!

Sure it doesn't sound like all that great craic anyway so move and be lucky there's no kids involved etc.

3 months is nothing.. crazy to be worrying about things like that so early into a relationship. Something isn't right with it.

Enjoy yourself, keep the chin up and maybe don't drink to the point where you get messy.. or do.. if that's what you want!

Faith

Simone, you have a history of abusive relationships where you have been treated terribly and made to feel that it was your fault, even though it wasn’t. In your previous threads, you were strongly advised to seek counseling to help you, because there’s a real limit to how much help we can offer. Did you ever get counseling?

simone79

He also said I annoy him.as I talk to much and am loud

simone79

I did get counselling yes

marieholmfan

simone79 wrote: »

He also said I annoy him.as I talk to much and am loud

You're better off Simone!
He doesn't sound like a catch at all.

You deserve a man who treats you properly and I'm sure that you'll find one .

simone79

simone79 wrote: »

I did get counselling yes

I think you should get some more!
He said you're loud and annoying..... Why would you even listen to this?
Not worth it.

simone79

Yea I seem to frustrate him alot.....I feel I'm not enough being just me with him.....he txt to say he so angry at me and I offered to go c him he said no he wants me to stay quiet for few days and c me at weekend maybe so now I know he doesnt mind if I walk r not I've always been good to him he not a bad man just my drinking last nite makes him think I drink alot even thou I dont at all

He doesn't sound like a good man anyway, that's for sure.
Look forget about this guy...... Work on your self esteem

marieholmfan

simone79 wrote: »

Yea I seem to frustrate him alot.....I feel I'm not enough being just me with him.....he txt to say he so angry at me and I offered to go c him he said no he wants me to stay quiet for few days and c me at weekend maybe so now I know he doesnt mind if I walk r not I've always been good to him he not a bad man just my drinking last nite makes him think I drink alot even thou I dont at all

Simone you're far too good for this man.

simone79

Thank u yes I'm a great girlfriend apart from them 2 times I messed up drunk

simone79

Thank u yes I'm a great girlfriend apart from them 2 times I messed up drunk

simone79

He told me I said mean things about his son and his ex so I suppose I deserve to be dumped my own fault thank u all for ur messages

SusieBlue

Why would you want to be with someone who thinks you're loud and annoying and whose drinking habits effect his custody arrangements for his son?
He sounds like no loss at all, regardless of what you did. He would only have chipped away at what little of your confidence is left.

Please seek more counselling, your self worth should not be determined by what a man who barely knows you thinks. You deserve better.

LegacyUser

I don't know how many counselling sessions you had but you haven't had enough of them. You have a history of being in abusive relationships and that pattern has been continuing. If this man has dumped you for good, he has done you a massive favour. You just can't see it. Your self-worth and perception of relationships are so damaged, the only person you're capable of blaming is you. Please get in touch with a counsellor as soon as possible and do not get back with this man.

simone79

Yes I think ur all correct another thing is his contant conversation about my weight I know I'm fat but he brings up me losing weight at least one time a week even though I've told him I'm working on it.....it just makes me feel I'm not good enough as I am.....so yes I need to love myself first and not accept bad behaviour just because of odd slip up I make

lawred2

Gets drunk and fails to see his own child. What a waste of matter...

simone79

No he sees his son it's his ex who wont let him spend a full day r night with him as stage feels he drinks too much

Sephiroth_dude

simone79 wrote: »

He also said I annoy him.as I talk to much and am loud

Ya you're better off without this jerk, he did you a favour honestly.

simone79 wrote: »

Yea I seem to frustrate him alot.....I feel I'm not enough being just me with him.....he txt to say he so angry at me and I offered to go c him he said no he wants me to stay quiet for few days and c me at weekend maybe so now I know he doesnt mind if I walk r not I've always been good to him he not a bad man just my drinking last nite makes him think I drink alot even thou I dont at all

Do yourself a favour and block him.

marieholmfan

simone79 wrote: »

Yea I seem to frustrate him alot.....I feel I'm not enough being just me with him.....he txt to say he so angry at me and I offered to go c him he said no he wants me to stay quiet for few days and c me at weekend maybe so now I know he doesnt mind if I walk r not I've always been good to him he not a bad man just my drinking last nite makes him think I drink alot even thou I dont at all

Come on Simone he's only looking for a 'buddy' not a girlfriend or even a friend. You deserve better.

simone79

But he was always the 1st to inniciate contact and meeting up wanted me to go to meet his family in april with him but he called all that off now due to my saying mean things about his ex and son said he needs to get to know me better before asking me to go his family now....I feel like I've done something so bad to him but I only got drunk and said some silly things I feel I'm been punished now by him he goes cinema with me and meals out so I think he did want a girlfriend in me but cant get past the me drinking 2 times thing and my behaviour my gut tells me he wants to keep me but I'll end up hearing about my mistake over and over as punishment

marieholmfan

simone79 wrote: »

But he was always the 1st to inniciate contact and meeting up wanted me to go to meet his family in april with him but he called all that off now due to my saying mean things about his ex and son said he needs to get to know me better before asking me to go his family now....I feel like I've done something so bad to him but I only got drunk and said some silly things I feel I'm been punished now by him he goes cinema with me and meals out so I think he did want a girlfriend in me but cant get past the me drinking 2 times thing and my behaviour my gut tells me he wants to keep me but I'll end up hearing about my mistake over and over as punishment

In the long term people move past all sorts of things. Wasters settle down, women lose weight, people stop drinking and smoking. I just think you're torturing yourself for no good reason.

SusieBlue

simone79 wrote: »

But he was always the 1st to inniciate contact and meeting up wanted me to go to meet his family in april with him but he called all that off now due to my saying mean things about his ex and son said he needs to get to know me better before asking me to go his family now....I feel like I've done something so bad to him but I only got drunk and said some silly things I feel I'm been punished now by him he goes cinema with me and meals out so I think he did want a girlfriend in me but cant get past the me drinking 2 times thing and my behaviour my gut tells me he wants to keep me but I'll end up hearing about my mistake over and over as punishment

He was always the first to initiate contact because he wanted you when it suited him and on his terms.
When a man wants to be with a woman, he will move the sun, moon and stars to be with her. He simply isn't doing that and you are making excuses for him.

He used you and treated you very disrespectfully. You should be angry at him, not pining for him.

In 3 short months he has complained about you being too loud and annoying, he has regularly commented on your weight in a negative manner and he has made a fool out of you.
Be very honest with yourself, do you think those things make a good foundation for a healthy, respectful, long term relationship?
You're supposed to still be in the honeymoon period where he thinks you're the bees knees and can do no wrong.

I haven't heard one good or positive redeeming quality about this man. Why do you even like him?

simone79

Yes its was a smiles and me going along until monday and I drank now he is barely chatting to me but wanted me to stay over last night but I declined and said sat maybe cinema....he said he likes me but wont be rushing into anything with me until I show I can not drink and not let him down so either way I feel I'll be on trial trying to prove I'm trustworthy after 3 months of mean great to him I didn't think I liked him this much until he wanted to leave me then I started feeling really hurt I've no idea why

SusieBlue

simone79 wrote: »

Yes its was a smiles and me going along until monday and I drank now he is barely chatting to me but wanted me to stay over last night but I declined and said sat maybe cinema....he said he likes me but wont be rushing into anything with me until I show I can not drink and not let him down so either way I feel I'll be on trial trying to prove I'm trustworthy after 3 months of mean great to him I didn't think I liked him this much until he wanted to leave me then I started feeling really hurt I've no idea why

Ultimatums 12 weeks in are ridiculous.
Its either a dealbreaker for him or it isn't, this notion of having you on some sort of probation until he's pleased with your behaviour again is absurd.

qwerty13

simone79 wrote: »

Yes its was a smiles and me going along until monday and I drank now he is barely chatting to me but wanted me to stay over last night but I declined and said sat maybe cinema....he said he likes me but wont be rushing into anything with me until I show I can not drink and not let him down so either way I feel I'll be on trial trying to prove I'm trustworthy after 3 months of mean great to him I didn't think I liked him this much until he wanted to leave me then I started feeling really hurt I've no idea why

He wanted you to go over to him for sex last night.

He isn’t bothered chatting to you, or going to the cinema with you, and ‘don’t let him down’ 🙄, because he doesn’t give a damn about you as a person / girlfriend.

He is using you for sex. Promising you bullsh*t like meeting his family, and then removing his promises on some idiotic premise. You’re not his girlfriend. He is just having regular sex with you. Nothing more.

I’m sorry for that being harsh, but I believe that’s the truth of the situation.

simone79

Well that I've thought about as every time I suggest doing something in the day it's an excuse only at night cinema and back to his room for sex everytime its makes sense tats only reason he wants me back is sex as I suggested a day out sunday and he said probably not to just go cinema maybe and home to his after where as daytime sunday they be no chance of sex as I've work monday and wont stayover

zapper55

xuadcmamfdsafasf wrote: »

I don't know how many counselling sessions you had but you haven't had enough of them. You have a history of being in abusive relationships and that pattern has been continuing. If this man has dumped you for good, he has done you a massive favour. You just can't see it. Your self-worth and perception of relationships are so damaged, the only person you're capable of blaming is you. Please get in touch with a counsellor as soon as possible and do not get back with this man.

Simone you seemed to have missed this excellent advice so I'm posting it again. You need to be by yourself until you build up your self esteem. Otherwise you'll keep dating horrible guys. You'll probably come on to defend him shortly but he's being abusive to you. The weekly weight comments alone would be enough to send me flying.

simone79

I didn't find counselling helped me I went for 5 months and got really strong or so I thought then I met this man and I'm back to feeling crap again k suppose it's still too soon a year after my separation to take on more hurt I thought going slow would prevent me from pain like this as I was strong but obviously not I obviously have no idea what is acceptable behaviour and what is not in a relationship I probably never will now

zapper55

The right counsellor will help you understand acceptable behaviour because I think deep down you know what it is you have just been so horribly affected by the abuse you dont trust your judgement which is understandable.

I wouldnt have thought 5 months would be enough to undo it tbh. Also if you felt you had no progress at all I'd try a different counsellor.

SusieBlue

simone79 wrote: »

I didn't find counselling helped me I went for 5 months and got really strong or so I thought then I met this man and I'm back to feeling crap again k suppose it's still too soon a year after my separation to take on more hurt I thought going slow would prevent me from pain like this as I was strong but obviously not I obviously have no idea what is acceptable behaviour and what is not in a relationship I probably never will now

This will sound overly simplistic and I know that it can't be applied to everthing, but generally speaking, any behaviour that makes you feel inscure, upset, paranoid or questioning your self worth is bad and shouldn't be tolerated unless it was an unintentional mistake that is apologised for.
And at that, even if they say sorry, if its happening too often = bad.

The behavior you have described ticks all those boxes. This man has zero positive influence on your life.

claregal1

simone79 wrote: »

I didn't find counselling helped me I went for 5 months and got really strong or so I thought then I met this man and I'm back to feeling crap again k suppose it's still too soon a year after my separation to take on more hurt I thought going slow would prevent me from pain like this as I was strong but obviously not I obviously have no idea what is acceptable behaviour and what is not in a relationship I probably never will now

Simone , I was in situations like yourself for years with absolutely no self esteem or self worth and putting up with absolute assholes .
It took me of making a decision when I was 30 to focus on myself and my children and stay away from relationships until I was mentally strong enough for them again . This took me five years of focusing on myself and building up my confidence on my own before I finally felt I was ready to be with someone again .
I think this man is treating you awful and it will only get worse .
Make a clean break , block him , move on and focus on yourself for a change .

Dtp1979

simone79 wrote: »

Yes its was a smiles and me going along until monday and I drank now he is barely chatting to me but wanted me to stay over last night but I declined and said sat maybe cinema....he said he likes me but wont be rushing into anything with me until I show I can not drink and not let him down so either way I feel I'll be on trial trying to prove I'm trustworthy after 3 months of mean great to him I didn't think I liked him this much until he wanted to leave me then I started feeling really hurt I've no idea why

The common theme I see on this thread is alcohol. Seriously, why were you getting drunk on a Monday night??
Maybe quit drink for a start and find a new counsellor

ILoveYourVibes

Of course you will know what is acceptable behavior in a relationship.

When you are happy and secure. That is acceptable.

simone79

Yes ur correct that's what I'll do as I obviously cant handle my alcohol

simone79

Yes I think it's what I need to do he was drunk last night texting me like he always does on a friday telling me he still likes me and wants to be with me but then changed and started asking why we had sex so early on in the relationship and I should respect my self more all this after 3 months of dating he brings it up now then told me he got tested for stds for work medical and asked me was I clean I was so shocked I cried he clearly has no respect for me out the 3 months I gave him

nikkibikki

simone79 wrote: »

Yes I think it's what I need to do he was drunk last night texting me like he always does on a friday telling me he still likes me and wants to be with me but then changed and started asking why we had sex so early on in the relationship and I should respect my self more all this after 3 months of dating he brings it up now then told me he got tested for stds for work medical and asked me was I clean I was so shocked I cried he clearly has no respect for me out the 3 months I gave him

He had sex with you so early as well, has he no control over his own actions? He's complaining about you being rude to him when you were drunk, but he's rude to you all the time by the sounds of it! Actually, he's insulting you!

Did you stop going to counselling when you met him? If you didn't find it helped, go to a different counsellor, they all have different approaches and suit people differently.

Please don't use how some men treat you as a yard stick to measure your worth against. Their short comings are on them, not on you. They treat you this way because they are assholes. Please don't put up with sub-par treatment.

LegacyUser

Simone, I hope you dump this man and stay single for a while. You were taken in by your ex-husband who married you for a visa and treated you appallingly. The only person who failed to see that you were being used and abused was you. You buried your head in the sand and refused to see the truth because it was too awful to accept. Finally, he dumped you. Then within months you began a relationship with this man who isn’t much better. Again, you chose to ignore all the warning signs until he dumped you. Unless something changes within you, this is going to happen again and again.
You mentioned elsewhere that you’re overweight and have a facial disfigurement. While these will make it harder for you to meet someone, they don’t mean that the only men for you are the ones who abuse you. Unfortunately, they might be leading the wrong sort of men to you. The sort who think that you’re a bit desperate and will tolerate behaviour that other women won’t. That, combined with your low self-worth, means that you need to be even more on your guard. I was that fat girl for years and I was a magnet for every creep going. Be careful.
You mentioned going to a counsellor. If your current one isn’t working, try a different one. There is something about you and your psychological make-up which is leading to this persistent issue. You are in real danger of continuing this pattern of dating abusive men unless you do proper work on yourself.

simone79

I've booked in to see a councillor again.....I've been texting and begging him tell me all week why he has changed and not so interested he eventually told me to stop I'm to needy and texting to much and he rather be single then have that so we should have end things but I was him who reeled me in then when I was attached he backed off and dumped me why am I so upset after only 3 months

claregal1

simone79 wrote: »

I've booked in to see a councillor again.....I've been texting and begging him tell me all week why he has changed and not so interested he eventually told me to stop I'm to needy and texting to much and he rather be single then have that so we should have end things but I was him who reeled me in then when I was attached he backed off and dumped me why am I so upset after only 3 months

Simone , why are you texting someone that has no respect for you and insults your weight etc ?
Sorry to be harsh , but this man has already told you what he thinks of you.
As I said in my previous post , you need to work on your self esteem and underlying issues that are there from your previous relationship before you even consider another relationship.
He has given you his answer there , he considers you needy .. why are you still allowing him to treat you like this .
I've no other advice really , only that I hope you learn the tools to break this cycle of allowing men to treat you like this and this new counsellor works out for you.
Focus on yourself and your children and block this man and move on .. it's only been three months, you will get over him .

Idle Passerby

simone79 wrote: »

I've booked in to see a councillor again.....I've been texting and begging him tell me all week why he has changed and not so interested he eventually told me to stop I'm to needy and texting to much and he rather be single then have that so we should have end things but I was him who reeled me in then when I was attached he backed off and dumped me why am I so upset after only 3 months

There comes a point where your lack of self care makes you complicit in your own abuse. No one is going to ride in on a white horse and rescue you from a bad situation, you have to make the choice to leave it yourself otherwise your just saying "this is fine, carry on".

AulWan

Its seems your behaviour is being glossed over a bit here and while this guy may be an asshole, why did you get drunk and say mean things about his ex and child? and its not the first time?

I think you need to look at your own behaviour too.

If someone got drunk around me and acted like that (twice, in the space of 3 months) at the start of a relationship when you're supposed to be in the exciting new phase, then , sorry, but I'd distance myself too.

You need to work on yourself before getting into any more relationships.