Work Colleague

Rolf12

I have been in a new work place 6 months. I am a M in my early 30s and 3 months ago began speaking to a female colleague whom is a few years younger innocently. She is in a long term relationship of 6 years.

Since, our friendship has grown immensely. We work very closely some weeks and we have a lot in common. Initially I didn't think much of it but the more we talk the more I'm attracted to her. Yet, I believe it's our close proximity at work and the chats banter we have that is causing this. The first few months I did not notice her.

We are constantly texting outside work. She has rang me a few times whilst driving for a chat. She has also mentioned she finds me attractive and we do flirt a lot. I have told her that I dont think what we are doing is a good idea though she calls it harmless. A lot of the time I believe it is harmless. We bounce ideas off each other and it is nice to have a close friend in the workplace.

I just feel it's a very weird situation. For instance for a recent night out she showed me different attires she has and asked me what one I liked the most. I pointed out one and she then wore it on the night out. The same night both of us did what I would call checked in with each other throughout the night as if we were a couple. She has admitted it's a weird situation anytime I have brought it up as I am almost second guessing myself as to what's going on.. a few times I work she has playfully shoved it touched me. She constantly compliments me on my clothes, haircut etc. I have asked her does she ring her other friends and she says no. On a night out in November with friends she spent the night texting me. A close cousin of hers has found out about our contact and has warned her to be careful, in which she responds we are only friends.

I enjoy the company, the friendship and the banter we have however I dont know how it's going to work out at the end. She's at pains to emphasise it's a friendship, however its testing boundaries big time. We both have admitted to checking our phones to see if we have replied to each other and acknowledged we get on so well. We have private jokes and can barely hold it together when we see each other at work sometimes as it's like a big secret. We are like two teenagers. She had admitted to not divulging the extent of our friendship to her boyfriend.

Has anybody been in a similar situation?

strandroad

Clearly it's not just friendship.

Would you like you two to be a couple? Would you like her to break up with her boyfriend?

If not, you should reduce contact.

Purple Mountain

How many more months or years are you going to waste on someone who goes home to a boyfriend every night while you go home alone?

Rolf12

strandroad wrote: »

Clearly it's not just friendship.

Would you like you two to be a couple? Would you like her to break up with her boyfriend?

If not, you should reduce contact.

I get so excited with the contact and the joking about however there is obviously a few big barriers.
I have not contacted for a couple of days and I almost felt empty.
I dont understand how it's happened. We click to well and think very similarly.
What's worse I feel she is pushing more than me yet she is the one that is in a relationship...

Tom Mann Centuria

She wants to have her cake and eat it, you're left with the crumbs.

Rolf12

Purple Mountain wrote: »

How many more months or years are you going to waste on someone who goes home to a boyfriend every night while you go home alone?

Valid point.
As much as I invest I am realistic.
I wouldn't be naieve enough to waste months or years.
It's a situation I wonder maybe someone else has experience of.

strandroad

Rolf12 wrote: »

I get so excited with the contact and the joking about however there is obviously a few big barriers.
I have not contacted for a couple of days and I almost felt empty.
I dont understand how it's happened. We click to well and think very similarly.
What's worse I feel she is pushing more than me yet she is the one that is in a relationship...

Well she would need to make her choices.
But first you need to make a choice yourself: are you interested in her as a girlfriend? If yes, you need to have a conversation. If not, cut all out of work contact because this isn't a friendship and she's deluding herself.

Rolf12

strandroad wrote: »

Well she would need to make her choices.
But first you need to make a choice yourself: are you interested in her as a girlfriend? If yes, you need to have a conversation. If not, cut all out of work contact because this isn't a friendship and she's deluding herself.

I am nearly deluding myself that this is a friendship at times, it's such an odd situation

rainbowtrout

Rolf12 wrote: »

I am nearly deluding myself that this is a friendship at times, it's such an odd situation

Well it's quite simple. You either like her or you don't. If you like her you can tell her and leave the ball in her court. She can break up with her boyfriend if that's what she really wants or she can stay with her boyfriend, but all of this incessant contact will have to stop.


You know that this goes beyond friendship. How would you feel if you were the boyfriend in the situation? As another poster said, she gets to have her cake and eat it. She goes home to her boyfriend, you go home alone. But she gets maximum attention from you.

You don't have to wait around for her to make a decision, you can make one for yourself.

leggo

For whatever reason, I initially read it as she had come out of an LTR until the end. And, even then, with all signs pointing to her being into you...my gut feeling was that she was taking you for a mug.

It’s this simple: if two people want to be together in a healthy scenario, they just are. If you want it, actually want it as opposed to just enjoying a bit of a distraction, you deal with any external issues that may stop that from happening behind the scenes and just do it. Between the two people, they make sure that it happens and they work hard enough to make it work. People will create all sorts of delusions in their head about why they’re the exception to that, but nope, it really is that easy. You two aren’t together, she still has a boyfriend, case closed.

Also...why would you even want someone who treats partners like this?! Do you not see that that would be you in her bf’s shoes in 6 years time (if even) while she’s off flirting with another guy, even if you got what you wanted here? People can fake ‘connections’ easily, especially when the other person is seeing what they want to see. The reality here is you’re not together, she’s not interested enough to make it possible for you to be, she’s riding another bloke and you’re still going along with it for some fantasy. You’re getting strung along man, sorry.

ILoveYourVibes

Rolf12 wrote: »

I get so excited with the contact and the joking about however there is obviously a few big barriers.
I have not contacted for a couple of days and I almost felt empty.
I dont understand how it's happened. We click to well and think very similarly.
What's worse I feel she is pushing more than me yet she is the one that is in a relationship...

Run.

I'm serious. She sounds like she is highly manipulative. And i would say it if it was a guy doing the same.

LegacyUser

Was in almost exactly the same situation a few years ago but in reverse, female colleague, we were/are the same age and had lots in common (much more so than with my wife), got on like a house on fire etc. In another life I believe we’d have made a strong couple.

As our friendship developed we both knew it was getting weird so I started looking at other jobs to extricate myself from the situation. I would never cheat on my wife but if I had stayed working there it would have been torture. I moved to a more senior job in a sister organisation and still see her from time to time but she has a partner now too and whatever was there has fizzled out for me, and presumably for her too.

kerryjack

I would give her one and then run

bitofabind

Create some boundaries with her, you currently have none.

Don’t text her anymore and dial back the responses to be polite and courteous but nothing more. If she invites you somewhere, either say no or invite other colleagues along. If she queries it, tell her you’re uncomfortable with the level of contact given you’re colleagues and she’s in a relationship.

Honestly it sounds like you’re both just bored and enjoying the “forbidden fruit” aspect of it given you’re colleagues and she’s not single. You barely noticed her til she went full flirt mode recently. Try to keep your head straight and don’t let her p1ss all over your boundaries. You deserve better.

Porklife

Rolf12 wrote: »

I am nearly deluding myself that this is a friendship at times, it's such an odd situation

It's not an odd situation at all. She's enjoying the attention and flirting and having her cake and eating it. She's clearly untrustworthy but she most likely won't sleep with you either so it's all "harmless". You want to have sex with her so you're going along with this. It's not gonna happen. Get laid elsewhere and forget about her. She's a prick tease. End of. Don't be a fool.

tara73

Rolf12 wrote: »

She's at pains to emphasise it's a friendship

this. when reading your post, you never know, her relationship really might be at rock bottom and in the last stages but when I came to this statement of hers, that was it.

she's actually telling you: it's just a friendship for her and that's it. you better let that sink in and becoming the reality or you will be feeling worse and worse.

I think you've already fallen for her. bitofabind post is the way to go, cut the contact down to a minimum and then to nothing at all. she will probably ask at one stage what's up. tell her as it is: she has a boyfriend and you decided you don't find that level of contact appropriate anymore. If it's the case and you want it, you can also tell her you have developed feelings for her, but as she has a boyfriend you need to stop contact with her.

Honestly, I think this is an ego boost story again (like so many). She knows you will fall for her, i.e. wants you to fall for her but has no intention to ever get into a serious romantic relationship with you.

I know it might not be easy but get out as quick as possible, you will only get hurt.

Rolf12

tara73 wrote: »

this. when reading your post, you never know, her relationship really might be at rock bottom and in the last stages but when I came to this statement of hers, that was it.

she's actually telling you: it's just a friendship for her and that's it. you better let that sink in and becoming the reality or you will be feeling worse and worse.

I think you've already fallen for her. bitofabind post is the way to go, cut the contact down to a minimum and then to nothing at all. she will probably ask at one stage what's up. tell her as it is: she has a boyfriend and you decided you don't find that level of contact appropriate anymore. If it's the case and you want it, you can also tell her you have developed feelings for her, but as she has a boyfriend you need to stop contact with her.

Honestly, I think this is an ego boost story again (like so many). She knows you will fall for her, i.e. wants you to fall for her but has no intention to ever get into a serious romantic relationship with you.

I know it might not be easy but get out as quick as possible, you will only get hurt.

Yeah I think distancing myself from the situation is the solution.

She has openly admitted to deleting messages so her bf doesnt see them. And in a way as attracted as I am to her it would ring alarm bells for me if it ever came to being her other half. I gather that they dont see each other too often in their relationship as she has complained to me about it. They dont live together and he doesn't make a great effort. She also mentioned that it would make sense to move in with him and see if it worked as she reckons they might not get on.

I will tone down the contact so it's not as obvious. Its melted my mind a few nights as I've never been in the situation before but I'm well aware of the pitfalls and potential time wasted persuing this. It doesn't help of course that the other males in the workplace like her so there is that to it too. Shes a quiet character amongst others as shes one if the youngest and seems inhibited and almost intimidated by others.

Thanks for the opinions. It's great to get other perspectives on a not so delicate situation.

fullstop

Rolf12 wrote: »

Yeah I think distancing myself from the situation is the solution.

She has openly admitted to deleting messages so her bf doesnt see them. And in a way as attracted as I am to her it would ring alarm bells for me if it ever came to being her other half. I gather that they dont see each other too often in their relationship as she has complained to me about it. They dont live together and he doesn't make a great effort. She also mentioned that it would make sense to move in with him and see if it worked as she reckons they might not get on.

This paragraph pretty much confirms what others have been saying. She’s telling you all the things you want to hear (that her relationship might fail, basically) to keep you sweet and string you along. Run a mile.

Heres Johnny

I'd disagree with the run a mile thing, I'd ask her what the craic is. She's always contacting you and if she in any way the same as I am, I'd only spend so much time contacting someone I fancied, not just a friend.

Just say, you contact me a lot, I'm looking to know why is this just a friendship or is it possibly more?
Then you'll know, her relationship may be rubbish and she's looking to move on from it. Some people just don't want to be single though and want next adventure lined up.

You'll never know unless you ask, sounds like you get on great

strandroad

fullstop wrote: »

This paragraph pretty much confirms what others have been saying. She’s telling you all the things you want to hear (that her relationship might fail, basically) to keep you sweet and string you along. Run a mile.

Or perhaps she does like the OP for a boyfriend but is hesitant to make a move since he hasn't and she has a relationship to lose. Someone needs to get off the fence or the whole thing should be shut down, if only because it's ****ty and disrespectful to her partner.

Rolf12

Heres Johnny wrote: »

I'd disagree with the run a mile thing, I'd ask her what the craic is. She's always contacting you and if she in any way the same as I am, I'd only spend so much time contacting someone I fancied, not just a friend.

Just say, you contact me a lot, I'm looking to know why is this just a friendship or is it possibly more?
Then you'll know, her relationship may be rubbish and she's looking to move on from it. Some people just don't want to be single though and want next adventure lined up.

You'll never know unless you ask, sounds like you get on great

Its nearly a foot forward for a foot back.
You're getting in great having all the inside jokes but it can go nowhere at the Moment anyway.
Before the break up for christmas she handed me a gift, something I had mentioned I wanted and she went off and got it for me...of course unbeknownst to anyone.

Realistically, to come out of a 6 year relationship and go out with someone else is probably not a good idea if that was to happen. I'm nearly trying to think of worse case scenarios to stop the attraction. One day when I didnt reply to a message for the day in order to get some space to take the heat out of the situation she confessed to checking her phone every hour to see if I had read the message.

I intend to tone it all down as I can see it becoming a distraction from my work when in work. It's not an ideal situation in the workplace and maybe if things were to work or happen it would be easier if we were in different work places as we share a good bit of time each week together.

tara73

Rolf12 wrote: »

One day when I didnt reply to a message for the day in order to get some space to take the heat out of the situation she confessed to checking her phone every hour to see if I had read the message.
.

after reading your updates, I think you really need to have an open conversation with her face to face. It can't go on like this. Tell her that this is not the sort and level of behaviour for someone who just wants a friendship.
Ask her what she wants, if she wants more or what it is, if not it's games playing. I think you can gauge from her reaction what's the story but I would bet it's like written in my first post: she's wrecking your head and using/manipulating you for an ego boost.

thenightman

Been in a similar situation with a (also younger) colleague who obviously liked the attention but had no intention of it developing into anything beyond ego stroking/drama. Do your best to reduce non work contact and try to move on with your personal/love life.

Not worth the angst, and there are plenty of actually available women out in the world. Will be tough for a few weeks but worth it. Best of luck!

Heres Johnny

Rolf12 wrote: »

Its nearly a foot forward for a foot back.
You're getting in great having all the inside jokes but it can go nowhere at the Moment anyway.
Before the break up for christmas she handed me a gift, something I had mentioned I wanted and she went off and got it for me...of course unbeknownst to anyone.

Realistically, to come out of a 6 year relationship and go out with someone else is probably not a good idea if that was to happen. I'm nearly trying to think of worse case scenarios to stop the attraction. One day when I didnt reply to a message for the day in order to get some space to take the heat out of the situation she confessed to checking her phone every hour to see if I had read the message.

I intend to tone it all down as I can see it becoming a distraction from my work when in work. It's not an ideal situation in the workplace and maybe if things were to work or happen it would be easier if we were in different work places as we share a good bit of time each week together.

Ask her, jesus I would. If you like her go for it, you're getting all the right signals. The only thing stopping you is the possibility of her saying no, that stops us all it stopped me in my tracks for years. Go for it I say.

redfox123

To me it looks like she likes you but is conflicted. Because there’s nothing definite with you two she won’t end her own relationship. The work thing with you is reassurance to her she is desirable if she were single, so in a way she is using you and leading you on. But it looks like she would like to end her own relationship and try things with you. But that will be up to you by being clear with her that it’s more than friendship. And you won’t continue this situation while she is in a relationship. I doubt she will instigate that conversation, that’ll have to be you.

I think you are unsure about her too though. So best thing to do is create some distance and let things be, if she asks then explain the above.

Millionaire only not

Rolf12 wrote: »

I have been in a new work place 6 months. I am a M in my early 30s and 3 months ago began speaking to a female colleague whom is a few years younger innocently. She is in a long term relationship of 6 years.

Since, our friendship has grown immensely. We work very closely some weeks and we have a lot in common. Initially I didn't think much of it but the more we talk the more I'm attracted to her. Yet, I believe it's our close proximity at work and the chats banter we have that is causing this. The first few months I did not notice her.

We are constantly texting outside work. She has rang me a few times whilst driving for a chat. She has also mentioned she finds me attractive and we do flirt a lot. I have told her that I dont think what we are doing is a good idea though she calls it harmless. A lot of the time I believe it is harmless. We bounce ideas off each other and it is nice to have a close friend in the workplace.

I just feel it's a very weird situation. For instance for a recent night out she showed me different attires she has and asked me what one I liked the most. I pointed out one and she then wore it on the night out. The same night both of us did what I would call checked in with each other throughout the night as if we were a couple. She has admitted it's a weird situation anytime I have brought it up as I am almost second guessing myself as to what's going on.. a few times I work she has playfully shoved it touched me. She constantly compliments me on my clothes, haircut etc. I have asked her does she ring her other friends and she says no. On a night out in November with friends she spent the night texting me. A close cousin of hers has found out about our contact and has warned her to be careful, in which she responds we are only friends.

I enjoy the company, the friendship and the banter we have however I dont know how it's going to work out at the end. She's at pains to emphasise it's a friendship, however its testing boundaries big time. We both have admitted to checking our phones to see if we have replied to each other and acknowledged we get on so well. We have private jokes and can barely hold it together when we see each other at work sometimes as it's like a big secret. We are like two teenagers. She had admitted to not divulging the extent of our friendship to her boyfriend.

Has anybody been in a similar situation?

That’s only going one way ! Full blown affair
Have u a significant other half ?

Purple Mountain

Are you out chatting up other women or hooking up with other ladies or have you put that on pause while this is going on?

zapper55

You've feelings for her so a quick shag as dubiously advised by one or two others is a bad idea. It'll just wreck your head.

If it was me I'd create distance between you. I dont think going after someone in a relationship is right. And I'd always wonder if that person would flirt/cheat with someone else if that's how our relationship started.

Esse85

Cut contact to a minimum with her.

Start dating other women if your not ready.

This girl sounds like she wants all the attention. If her relationship was as bad as she claims, she'd surely cease it.

Has anyone in your workplace commented that ye seem close?

Rolf12

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Are you out chatting up other women or hooking up with other ladies or have you put that on pause while this is going on?

Nothing is on pause. I had a recent date however nothing is reflecting the chemistry we have. As previously mentioned going for the juggler and asking her straight out will nearly solve this immediately however the consequences that that will leave could make things very awkward.

Its almost awkward enough as anytime we pass each other at work we cant help but smile at each other and I reckon a couple of people have picked up on it. It's like everything is building and building yet there is a handbrake on the situation.

I suppose If I relax on the contact and take the heat out of the situation it might become clearer what her intentions are. It might fizzle out or she may push harder

Rolf12

Esse85 wrote: »

Cut contact to a minimum with her.

Start dating other women if your not ready.

This girl sounds like she wants all the attention. If her relationship was as bad as she claims, she'd surely cease it.

Has anyone in your workplace commented that ye seem close?

A few people have said we would be a great match. She told me one day after a couple of months that a couple of older female colleagues said she should start chatting to me etc

So perhaps its because I was new and these things were said. On the work place night out another F colleague was very friendly to me so much that people commented that it wasnt appropriate, it made me feel very awkward. That incident seemed to very much annoy the girl I have been talking about.

Esse85

Rolf12 wrote: »

A few people have said we would be a great match. She told me one day after a couple of months that a couple of older female colleagues said she should start chatting to me etc

So perhaps its because I was new and these things were said. On the work place night out another F colleague was very friendly to me so much that people commented that it wasnt appropriate, it made me feel very awkward. That incident seemed to very much annoy the girl I have been talking about.

What outcome do you want here?

Sounds like it's more than just a ride.

Could you see a relationship between ye?
Could you handle a relationship with a work colleague?
Could you ignore the comments that you ruined a long term relationship?
Would you have peace of mind knowing this girl carries on like this in a relationship?

MissShihTzu

If you want a relationship with this lady? Go ahead. But remember this: The same way you find them, will be the same way you lose them!

sportsfan90

Rolf12 wrote: »

Nothing is on pause. I had a recent date however nothing is reflecting the chemistry we have.

Out of interest, did you tell the work colleague about your date?

If not, would you lie if she asked you if you had been dating around?

bitofabind

You’re going on dates but not with your heart in it as this girl is all you’re interested in right now. So this weird flirtation is putting a pause on your love life as well as wrecking your head, ending a relationship and setting you up for future head fcuk when the honeymoon is over and you have to wonder what your girlfriend is up to with other guys.

And that’s assuming this one is actually into you and up for a relationship and not just getting an ego boost coz she’s bored and insincere. More red flags than a soviet parade. I’d be avoiding tbh. But if you’re not going to walk away, be well aware of what you’re walking into.

Beau Bennett

Go for it OP. Live life without regrets. If it doesnt work out in the future then so be it but at least you tried.

I was in this position before but went for the 'honorable' option and I regret it.

Rolf12

sportsfan90 wrote: »

Out of interest, did you tell the work colleague about your date?

If not, would you lie if she asked you if you had been dating around?

No I would be honest. I would tell her although it seems she doesnt want to hear about it much!

zubair

I'd be careful with your own emotions here if I were you. Best to accept it as what she's telling you it is, a close friendship. Also, many of the points you made wouldn't indicate to me that she's necessarily interested. Sounds like you're both enjoying a flirty friendship.

Phoenix Wright

The problem is, can the OP accept the friendship for what it is? To me it seems like this crush has taken over and his emotions are already all over the place.

She has too much to lose to try anything imo, and with the potential awkwardness at work the OP is facing a losing battle here I reckon. If I were him, I would make a definitive decision on whether to create distance or ask her soon and stick with it

amdublin

What outcome do you want op?

leggo

I think you’re building this up as some kind of whirlwind romance in your head when it’s really not. It’s a girl leading one lad on and having an emotional affair on another lad. You’re totally ignoring clear and obvious warning signs, like her having a boyfriend, and turning away available prospects in the name of some ‘connection’. This is bad news and it’s clear to see but I have a feeling you’re going to learn this lesson by getting hurt.

Gerianam

Dear OP,
If this lady really wanted to be with you, she would be.
No games or what ifs.
She is messing with your heart and mind. That is all.

bitofabind

leggo wrote: »

I think you’re building this up as some kind of whirlwind romance in your head when it’s really not. It’s a girl leading one lad on and having an emotional affair on another lad. You’re totally ignoring clear and obvious warning signs, like her having a boyfriend, and turning away available prospects in the name of some ‘connection’. This is bad news and it’s clear to see but I have a feeling you’re going to learn this lesson by getting hurt.

This is the answer you need OP. This is what’s happening when you remove the filters of lust and forbidden fruit and infatuation.

What’s your pattern with women generally? Have you had long term relationships, happy relationships? I’ve found myself vulnerable to similar red flags in the past and it was ultimately about self esteem issues and beliefs about myself and men. Once I got to the root of those things, I learned to see these situations for what they are and only respond to men who are available to me. Men who don’t play games.

This woman is not available to you and is playing games that are giving you an adrenaline rush. That’s what you’re responding to.

Rolf12

leggo wrote: »

I think you’re building this up as some kind of whirlwind romance in your head when it’s really not. It’s a girl leading one lad on and having an emotional affair on another lad. You’re totally ignoring clear and obvious warning signs, like her having a boyfriend, and turning away available prospects in the name of some ‘connection’. This is bad news and it’s clear to see but I have a feeling you’re going to learn this lesson by getting hurt.

So after another day of this ****e I decided to make a move. She was away with her bf and I received one line of communication that I ignored. 2 hours later another asking me did i get her previous message and what was I at for the night. Real teenage stuff bearing in mind again she's away with her boyfriend!

Anyway I told her this was pointless. The constant communication mainly. I said we should just talk in work if we have to. No good is coming out of what we are doing. That we obviously got on great but obviously nothing was going to happen. Well she didn't take it well at all. Getting back to the harmless excuses etc so I left it be. I'm thinking she loves the attention as her bf doesn't seem to be given her it in abundance.

I have gone over it in my head and my decision is to cut the contact for the obvious reasons, in addition to the red flags that are apparent from her behaviour as a girlfriend. It is nice to get attention of course but it shouldn't come at a cost, overthinking, second guessing, being in poor form etc.

Thanks for all the feedback I greatly appreciate it. I am a very stubborn person so I'm not afraid of slipping up much here. Tbh her reaction highlighted some more negatives... I nearly feel a bit silly for letting it occupy my mind for the last few weeks but such is life!

Phoenix Wright

Fair play OP, that's a very level-headed course of action you've taken and I hope it works out well from here. Not an easy thing to do, but it's far better then being in doubt all the time

Klonker

I know you say you're stubborn OP but I really think of you stay working together on same team you'll slowly slip back into old patterns and be back to texting each other all the time again.

Believe me, I know, I was in a similar position myself and no matter how many times I said it was wrong and pulled back I ended up slowly slipping back into the old flirting and texting which eventually lead further.

qwerty13

Rolf12 wrote: »

So after another day of this ****e I decided to make a move. She was away with her bf and I received one line of communication that I ignored. 2 hours later another asking me did i get her previous message and what was I at for the night. Real teenage stuff bearing in mind again she's away with her boyfriend!

Anyway I told her this was pointless. The constant communication mainly. I said we should just talk in work if we have to. No good is coming out of what we are doing. That we obviously got on great but obviously nothing was going to happen. Well she didn't take it well at all. Getting back to the harmless excuses etc so I left it be. I'm thinking she loves the attention as her bf doesn't seem to be given her it in abundance.

I have gone over it in my head and my decision is to cut the contact for the obvious reasons, in addition to the red flags that are apparent from her behaviour as a girlfriend. It is nice to get attention of course but it shouldn't come at a cost, overthinking, second guessing, being in poor form etc.

Thanks for all the feedback I greatly appreciate it. I am a very stubborn person so I'm not afraid of slipping up much here. Tbh her reaction highlighted some more negatives... I nearly feel a bit silly for letting it occupy my mind for the last few weeks but such is life!

Fair fcks to you, that took bravery. All too easy to have a nice enjoyable extended flirtation, when it ‘seems’ like there’s no consequences.

Except there are consequences: for her BF, if he discovers her messages, and for you in work if it becomes public. Oldest story in the world that people think this kind of stuff can remain private. And for you privately, because the more you invest, the more likely you are to get hurt.

If she likes you that much, then she needs to end her relationship. I’m afraid it does seem like she likes the attention a lot though. But the way things are, you’re the one who loses out: putting your life on hold re other dates, and waiting for crumbs from an unavailable person.

I think you were very brave to call it how it is and put a stop to current proceedings. Maybe that will make her realise that she can’t exist in having cake and eat it land, I don’t know. It kind of sounds like you’re not sure you even want her anymore. And I’m thinking that might not be such a bad thing.

tara73

well done OP!! you did the right thing. if she tries it on again and you don't know how to handle or fallling back texting her, we are here to 'talk':)

lainey_d_123

I don't know, I can see it from both sides. I've known people in long term toxic relationships with crappy partners who ignored them or didn't meet their needs who did the kind of thing this woman is doing, and it some cases it did lead to breaking up and getting together with the new person. In these cases it led to long term relationships and afaik they are happy. She hasn't physically cheated at all and while it's far from ideal behaviour and she's being selfish, it's far from the worst. She's probably extremely conflicted, not that happy in her relationship but afraid to break up, probably still loves the bf in some way.

I do totally agree that what she's doing is selfish and that it isn't doing OP any good at all. He's chosen to step away now (good move) and has made it clear why. I'm just not 100% sure that it's fair to imply she's a chronic cheater who will do the same to him down the line. I know a LOT of people who got together in similar circumstances. A surprising number of people I know met their SO when already in a relationship with someone else and I consider most of them fairly decent people in general. Real life is complicated.

Calypso Realm

Rolf12 wrote: »

That we obviously got on great but obviously nothing was going to happen. Well she didn't take it well at all. Getting back to the harmless excuses etc so I left it be. I'm thinking she loves the attention as her bf doesn't seem to be given her it in abundance.

Although I'd prefer to hear you did this face to fact OP (only because it's easier to guage reactions etc and the face she was away with her boyfriend) I I'm glad to read you've taken a stance here and brought things to a head. At the very least you've given her something to think about now.

Out of interest what were her excuses?

leggo

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I don't know, I can see it from both sides. I've known people in long term toxic relationships with crappy partners who ignored them or didn't meet their needs who did the kind of thing this woman is doing, and it some cases it did lead to breaking up and getting together with the new person. In these cases it led to long term relationships and afaik they are happy. She hasn't physically cheated at all and while it's far from ideal behaviour and she's being selfish, it's far from the worst. She's probably extremely conflicted, not that happy in her relationship but afraid to break up, probably still loves the bf in some way.

The problem with this logic, and I do hear what you're saying, is that everyone has different standards for what 'enough' is. Some could be completely unreasonable or unhealthy. Some people see emotionally available, affectionate partners as unsatisfying and love the highs and lows of a toxic relationship so 'normal' relationships seem boring and unfulfilling. Some see partners as a walking wallet and may lose interest if they're not capable of financing their lives, and so on and so forth. You may say "Well there's no evidence of that" and yeah, you'd be right if you did. There's also no evidence that her partner is in any way a 'bad' partner. Even if she was to argue he was, how often do you hear that line trotted out by cheaters?

What we do have evidence of is that she's happy to be unfaithful and go behind her partner's back if she sees fit. That she's happy to engage in toxic relationships where she leads people on with no apparent plan of any payoff. That she throws a strop when she doesn't get what she wants and the people she's stringing along look out for their own best interests and don't go along with her wishes. (Even if I was in a ****ty relationship and texting someone for any desperate sign of affection in my life, I'd be rational enough to understand "Well yeah there's nothing in this for you, that's fair enough" rather than throwing a tantrum or trying to guilt trip them)

Judge people on what they tell you they are, not what you want them to be. When you start imagining scenarios where they could (possibly) be right (from a certain viewpoint) (if you squint), that's when you're doing the latter and making excuses for the former. That's the exact formula for someone getting seriously hurt.