Work Colleague

Esse85

Rolf12 wrote: »

A few people have said we would be a great match. She told me one day after a couple of months that a couple of older female colleagues said she should start chatting to me etc

So perhaps its because I was new and these things were said. On the work place night out another F colleague was very friendly to me so much that people commented that it wasnt appropriate, it made me feel very awkward. That incident seemed to very much annoy the girl I have been talking about.

What outcome do you want here?

Sounds like it's more than just a ride.

Could you see a relationship between ye?
Could you handle a relationship with a work colleague?
Could you ignore the comments that you ruined a long term relationship?
Would you have peace of mind knowing this girl carries on like this in a relationship?

MissShihTzu

If you want a relationship with this lady? Go ahead. But remember this: The same way you find them, will be the same way you lose them!

sportsfan90

Rolf12 wrote: »

Nothing is on pause. I had a recent date however nothing is reflecting the chemistry we have.

Out of interest, did you tell the work colleague about your date?

If not, would you lie if she asked you if you had been dating around?

bitofabind

You’re going on dates but not with your heart in it as this girl is all you’re interested in right now. So this weird flirtation is putting a pause on your love life as well as wrecking your head, ending a relationship and setting you up for future head fcuk when the honeymoon is over and you have to wonder what your girlfriend is up to with other guys.

And that’s assuming this one is actually into you and up for a relationship and not just getting an ego boost coz she’s bored and insincere. More red flags than a soviet parade. I’d be avoiding tbh. But if you’re not going to walk away, be well aware of what you’re walking into.

Beau Bennett

Go for it OP. Live life without regrets. If it doesnt work out in the future then so be it but at least you tried.

I was in this position before but went for the 'honorable' option and I regret it.

Rolf12

sportsfan90 wrote: »

Out of interest, did you tell the work colleague about your date?

If not, would you lie if she asked you if you had been dating around?

No I would be honest. I would tell her although it seems she doesnt want to hear about it much!

zubair

I'd be careful with your own emotions here if I were you. Best to accept it as what she's telling you it is, a close friendship. Also, many of the points you made wouldn't indicate to me that she's necessarily interested. Sounds like you're both enjoying a flirty friendship.

Phoenix Wright

The problem is, can the OP accept the friendship for what it is? To me it seems like this crush has taken over and his emotions are already all over the place.

She has too much to lose to try anything imo, and with the potential awkwardness at work the OP is facing a losing battle here I reckon. If I were him, I would make a definitive decision on whether to create distance or ask her soon and stick with it

amdublin

What outcome do you want op?

leggo

I think you’re building this up as some kind of whirlwind romance in your head when it’s really not. It’s a girl leading one lad on and having an emotional affair on another lad. You’re totally ignoring clear and obvious warning signs, like her having a boyfriend, and turning away available prospects in the name of some ‘connection’. This is bad news and it’s clear to see but I have a feeling you’re going to learn this lesson by getting hurt.

Gerianam

Dear OP,
If this lady really wanted to be with you, she would be.
No games or what ifs.
She is messing with your heart and mind. That is all.

bitofabind

leggo wrote: »

I think you’re building this up as some kind of whirlwind romance in your head when it’s really not. It’s a girl leading one lad on and having an emotional affair on another lad. You’re totally ignoring clear and obvious warning signs, like her having a boyfriend, and turning away available prospects in the name of some ‘connection’. This is bad news and it’s clear to see but I have a feeling you’re going to learn this lesson by getting hurt.

This is the answer you need OP. This is what’s happening when you remove the filters of lust and forbidden fruit and infatuation.

What’s your pattern with women generally? Have you had long term relationships, happy relationships? I’ve found myself vulnerable to similar red flags in the past and it was ultimately about self esteem issues and beliefs about myself and men. Once I got to the root of those things, I learned to see these situations for what they are and only respond to men who are available to me. Men who don’t play games.

This woman is not available to you and is playing games that are giving you an adrenaline rush. That’s what you’re responding to.

Rolf12

leggo wrote: »

I think you’re building this up as some kind of whirlwind romance in your head when it’s really not. It’s a girl leading one lad on and having an emotional affair on another lad. You’re totally ignoring clear and obvious warning signs, like her having a boyfriend, and turning away available prospects in the name of some ‘connection’. This is bad news and it’s clear to see but I have a feeling you’re going to learn this lesson by getting hurt.

So after another day of this ****e I decided to make a move. She was away with her bf and I received one line of communication that I ignored. 2 hours later another asking me did i get her previous message and what was I at for the night. Real teenage stuff bearing in mind again she's away with her boyfriend!

Anyway I told her this was pointless. The constant communication mainly. I said we should just talk in work if we have to. No good is coming out of what we are doing. That we obviously got on great but obviously nothing was going to happen. Well she didn't take it well at all. Getting back to the harmless excuses etc so I left it be. I'm thinking she loves the attention as her bf doesn't seem to be given her it in abundance.

I have gone over it in my head and my decision is to cut the contact for the obvious reasons, in addition to the red flags that are apparent from her behaviour as a girlfriend. It is nice to get attention of course but it shouldn't come at a cost, overthinking, second guessing, being in poor form etc.

Thanks for all the feedback I greatly appreciate it. I am a very stubborn person so I'm not afraid of slipping up much here. Tbh her reaction highlighted some more negatives... I nearly feel a bit silly for letting it occupy my mind for the last few weeks but such is life!

Phoenix Wright

Fair play OP, that's a very level-headed course of action you've taken and I hope it works out well from here. Not an easy thing to do, but it's far better then being in doubt all the time

Klonker

I know you say you're stubborn OP but I really think of you stay working together on same team you'll slowly slip back into old patterns and be back to texting each other all the time again.

Believe me, I know, I was in a similar position myself and no matter how many times I said it was wrong and pulled back I ended up slowly slipping back into the old flirting and texting which eventually lead further.

qwerty13

Rolf12 wrote: »

So after another day of this ****e I decided to make a move. She was away with her bf and I received one line of communication that I ignored. 2 hours later another asking me did i get her previous message and what was I at for the night. Real teenage stuff bearing in mind again she's away with her boyfriend!

Anyway I told her this was pointless. The constant communication mainly. I said we should just talk in work if we have to. No good is coming out of what we are doing. That we obviously got on great but obviously nothing was going to happen. Well she didn't take it well at all. Getting back to the harmless excuses etc so I left it be. I'm thinking she loves the attention as her bf doesn't seem to be given her it in abundance.

I have gone over it in my head and my decision is to cut the contact for the obvious reasons, in addition to the red flags that are apparent from her behaviour as a girlfriend. It is nice to get attention of course but it shouldn't come at a cost, overthinking, second guessing, being in poor form etc.

Thanks for all the feedback I greatly appreciate it. I am a very stubborn person so I'm not afraid of slipping up much here. Tbh her reaction highlighted some more negatives... I nearly feel a bit silly for letting it occupy my mind for the last few weeks but such is life!

Fair fcks to you, that took bravery. All too easy to have a nice enjoyable extended flirtation, when it ‘seems’ like there’s no consequences.

Except there are consequences: for her BF, if he discovers her messages, and for you in work if it becomes public. Oldest story in the world that people think this kind of stuff can remain private. And for you privately, because the more you invest, the more likely you are to get hurt.

If she likes you that much, then she needs to end her relationship. I’m afraid it does seem like she likes the attention a lot though. But the way things are, you’re the one who loses out: putting your life on hold re other dates, and waiting for crumbs from an unavailable person.

I think you were very brave to call it how it is and put a stop to current proceedings. Maybe that will make her realise that she can’t exist in having cake and eat it land, I don’t know. It kind of sounds like you’re not sure you even want her anymore. And I’m thinking that might not be such a bad thing.

tara73

well done OP!! you did the right thing. if she tries it on again and you don't know how to handle or fallling back texting her, we are here to 'talk':)

lainey_d_123

I don't know, I can see it from both sides. I've known people in long term toxic relationships with crappy partners who ignored them or didn't meet their needs who did the kind of thing this woman is doing, and it some cases it did lead to breaking up and getting together with the new person. In these cases it led to long term relationships and afaik they are happy. She hasn't physically cheated at all and while it's far from ideal behaviour and she's being selfish, it's far from the worst. She's probably extremely conflicted, not that happy in her relationship but afraid to break up, probably still loves the bf in some way.

I do totally agree that what she's doing is selfish and that it isn't doing OP any good at all. He's chosen to step away now (good move) and has made it clear why. I'm just not 100% sure that it's fair to imply she's a chronic cheater who will do the same to him down the line. I know a LOT of people who got together in similar circumstances. A surprising number of people I know met their SO when already in a relationship with someone else and I consider most of them fairly decent people in general. Real life is complicated.

Calypso Realm

Rolf12 wrote: »

That we obviously got on great but obviously nothing was going to happen. Well she didn't take it well at all. Getting back to the harmless excuses etc so I left it be. I'm thinking she loves the attention as her bf doesn't seem to be given her it in abundance.

Although I'd prefer to hear you did this face to fact OP (only because it's easier to guage reactions etc and the face she was away with her boyfriend) I I'm glad to read you've taken a stance here and brought things to a head. At the very least you've given her something to think about now.

Out of interest what were her excuses?

leggo

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I don't know, I can see it from both sides. I've known people in long term toxic relationships with crappy partners who ignored them or didn't meet their needs who did the kind of thing this woman is doing, and it some cases it did lead to breaking up and getting together with the new person. In these cases it led to long term relationships and afaik they are happy. She hasn't physically cheated at all and while it's far from ideal behaviour and she's being selfish, it's far from the worst. She's probably extremely conflicted, not that happy in her relationship but afraid to break up, probably still loves the bf in some way.

The problem with this logic, and I do hear what you're saying, is that everyone has different standards for what 'enough' is. Some could be completely unreasonable or unhealthy. Some people see emotionally available, affectionate partners as unsatisfying and love the highs and lows of a toxic relationship so 'normal' relationships seem boring and unfulfilling. Some see partners as a walking wallet and may lose interest if they're not capable of financing their lives, and so on and so forth. You may say "Well there's no evidence of that" and yeah, you'd be right if you did. There's also no evidence that her partner is in any way a 'bad' partner. Even if she was to argue he was, how often do you hear that line trotted out by cheaters?

What we do have evidence of is that she's happy to be unfaithful and go behind her partner's back if she sees fit. That she's happy to engage in toxic relationships where she leads people on with no apparent plan of any payoff. That she throws a strop when she doesn't get what she wants and the people she's stringing along look out for their own best interests and don't go along with her wishes. (Even if I was in a ****ty relationship and texting someone for any desperate sign of affection in my life, I'd be rational enough to understand "Well yeah there's nothing in this for you, that's fair enough" rather than throwing a tantrum or trying to guilt trip them)

Judge people on what they tell you they are, not what you want them to be. When you start imagining scenarios where they could (possibly) be right (from a certain viewpoint) (if you squint), that's when you're doing the latter and making excuses for the former. That's the exact formula for someone getting seriously hurt.

Rolf12

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Although I'd prefer to hear you did this face to fact OP (only because it's easier to guage reactions etc and the face she was away with her boyfriend) I I'm glad to read you've taken a stance here and brought things to a head. At the very least you've given her something to think about now.

Out of interest what were her excuses?

Well her main one it's harmless - yet if it was there would be no deleting messages etc
We get on so well have a connection etc - again all the one if we are crossing boundaries yet restricted in a way

Petty stuff really.
We are back to work Monday so that will tell a lot.
The phone is a safe distance away from me today. One day at a time.

MissShihTzu

Rolf12 wrote: »

Petty stuff really.
We are back to work Monday so that will tell a lot.
The phone is a safe distance away from me today. One day at a time.

I'd go one better and block the number entirely. Keep far and away from this lady, who sounds very immature. Any contact at work should be minimal and on a professional basis only.

Faith

CMod note: A number of posts have been deleted from this thread. Once again, this is a reminder to all posters to ensure your replies are helpful, aimed at the OP and on-topic. Jokes and quips such as "Slip her one and run" are not appropriate in PI.

Millionaire only not, I've had to delete a lot of your posts, both on this thread and others - please familiarise yourself with the PI charter before posting again, as infractions will be handed out next.