Advice needed (she wants kids, I don't - title edited by mod)

lainey_d_123

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

How can you definitely want kids if you don't definitely know you're definitely going to meet the person you definitely want to have kids with?
Like one step at a time ffs.
My take on it always was - maybe with the right person. If I don't meet her, then it wasn't meant to be. How can you just say "I want kids no matter what", when there's a good chance you mightn't meet anyone, especially when older?

Because - shock horror - women can have kids regardless of whether they meet the 'right' man or not. A woman who truly wants it to happen will make it happen, whether that means sperm donors or adoption or settling for not the ideal person. There's almost no chance that a woman who is desperate for kids will never have any, even if they aren't biological ones.

Likewise, there are plenty of people who definitely don't ever want children and will never change their mind. They would not consider a relationship with someone with children, even if they weren't the biological parent.

You seem to think your world view is everyone's. It isn't.

lainey_d_123

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Personally I skipped every one of them that said "Want kids". It's a turn off, relax. If you're not even open minded enough to realise you mightn't have kids I wouldn't want anything to do with you.

Says the man who doesn't realise there are plenty of options to have kids, regardless of your relationship status. The opposite of open-minded.

If you're offended by people wanting children, I'm sure those people are very glad to have nothing to do with you either.

Thelonious Monk

I think someone who's main objective in life is to have a kid, partner or not, is probably a bit tapped tbh, so OP I'd run a mile if I were you.

lainey_d_123

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I think someone who's main objective in life is to have a kid, partner or not, is probably a bit tapped tbh, so OP I'd run a mile if I were you.

I think you're way too overly bothered about someone else's life choices.

Wanting a child does not make you 'tapped' and your view is incredibly narrow minded.

I suspect that you feel personally affronted that some women choose to have children without needing the assistance of a man and such women have control over their own decisions and lives. How dare they be upfront about what they want instead of dating a man for months and waiting around hoping he might want what they want?

There is nothing inherently wrong with someone of either gender wanting to be a parent, with or without their ideal partner.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I don't want kids but I understand that it's a primal, very strong drive. It can be one of the things people are most certain about in life and about themselves; they want to be a parent. When you were young did you know you wanted to have sex, have relationships, have a career? How could you possibly know that when you hadn't met the relevant people?

If you're skipping the "want kids" people on online dating, presumably this current lady didn't tick that box or left it blank, so presumably she either doesn't want kids or is willing to let things play out and take what comes.

Infinite heartbreak and bitterness and regret comes from people either not giving this question the consideration it deserves in time, or not being honest about their feelings on it.

"Oh gosh I don't know, I've only had 35 years to think about this and you've got a good 36 months of fair fertility left why are you rushing meeeeee" is a really frustrating attitude even from the outside.

You don't want kids, you don't want them. You want to have fun, enjoy your prime, fine.

But a woman in her mid-to-late 30s who brings this up promptly and is honest about what she wants isn't being some kind of bunny boiling headcase. It's just being practical and realistic about one of the most significant decisions in all of life.

shesty

Troy Embarrassed Pawnbroker wrote: »

"Oh gosh I don't know, I've only had 35 years to think about this and you've got a good 36 months of fair fertility left why are you rushing meeeeee" is a really frustrating attitude even from the outside.

You don't want kids, you don't want them. You want to have fun, enjoy your prime, fine.

But a woman in her mid-to-late 30s who brings this up promptly and is honest about what she wants isn't being some kind of bunny boiling headcase. It's just being practical and realistic about one of the most significant decisions in all of life.

This right here.

Basically if women didn't have to think about these things because they only have a certain window of time, most men would probably start thinking some time in their mid 40s or so, that maybe having a child might be a nice idea.

(And then most of them would tell you how tiring it is and how they should have started younger....)

The woman has a window of time, she is being upfront.It is not going to get any easier for her to have kids, and I have no doubt that she is far more aware of that fact than the OP is.

wiggle16

Mod:

I can see there was a bit of back and forth in this thread earlier. Posters are reminded to have advice for the OP when posting and to keep general discussion to a minimum. Thanks

hard agree with all the advice given after your update, OP. this isnt going to work out, thats no fault of yours and tbh id agree with thelonius that her honesty is admirable but her pressing the case soon and often is maybe not going to go in her favour with many fellas

while sympathising with the timeframe pressures in having it all in todays world, you're not under any onus to be the solution- you could be forgiven for thinking that you were, given some of the recent comments, tbh

the idea that "its time for babies now" and the man involved is a matter of temporal convenience as opposed to ensuring that the relationship between the couple is right would be a warning light for me.

a fella has the right to be more than that in a long-term commitment and from the way things have progressed here youd certainly not be reassured.

Antares35

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Personally I skipped every one of them that said "Want kids". It's a turn off, relax. If you're not even open minded enough to realise you mightn't have kids I wouldn't want anything to do with you.

And likewise for women who want kids, they are free to ignore the guys who tick "doesnt want kids" as this is as you put it, a "turn off" for them. It's not about being open minded or not. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want... and that applies to people who want kids and those who don't. It would be ignorant to suggest that someone who doesnt want kids is not open minded yet you think it's ok to call someone who does want kids not open minded. I met my OH on a dating website. We had obviously both ticked the want kids option. The ones who had ticked no kids were automatically filtered out so I never saw them and never had this problem. Maybe online is easier than real life in that sense! Clearly that alone wasnt what did it. He is an amazing guy and I cant wait to spend my life with him. We are a couple before we are parents together.

At the end of the day it is about compatibility and that includes being on the same page as your partner in terms of the big ticket items such as marriage, kids etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone saying out loud what they want and if the other person is not on the same page then so be it. They both move on. If I was OP I would definitely move on after this, as it is clear they are incompatible in terms of their long term wishes. Then again, if I was OPs date, I would have moved on after the first kids conversation, for the same reason. I will agree with some posters on this. If she didn't get the answer she wanted after the first conversation then it is now her wasting her own time, and she can only blame herself for that. OP I would say she must really like you if she keeps coming back but obviously this is a big thing for her.

Thelonious Monk

My point was, any girl going on about kids on the 5th date is going to scare away most blokes. Regardless of the age or what the bloke wants. Dems the breaks.

wiggle16

Mod:

Thelonious Monk, okay, you've made your point.

No more general discussion in the thread please. If you haven't got advice for the OP, don't post.

leanin2019

OP I can't see this working really unless you change your mind on having kids as she obviously wants them, but is hesitant to let you go at the same time.

If you stay together you may end up having one accidentally unless you get the snip.

Homelander

Yeah I think you need to just let her go and frankly stop being selfish about the whole thing, it's about more than just you. Not fair to her when she's so certain of what she wants and time isn't on her side in that regard, loads of guys out there happy to settle down and have kids.

mobileforest

At 37 she's running out of time for children. Fair play to her for being so upfront about it with you. I don't think her timeline is going to match yours with the speed you would like to see the relationship move at. Might have to let this one go

mobileforest

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

My point was, any girl going on about kids on the 5th date is going to scare away most blokes. Regardless of the age or what the bloke wants. Dems the breaks.

Depending on whether the girl is looking for a future husband or a one-night stand, I'd say bringing up kids early in dating would make an excellent screening tool.

mobileforest

girlinthecity1989 wrote: »

She could have gone about this a bit cuter.. no matter how badly she wanted it.
She’s killed the spark and attraction in my opinion.
Her deadlines and biological clock is her issue, not yours.

It should be fun when you are dating first. Fun and exciting.
Not full of ultimatums. Sounds like she wants the kid more than the man... sure you’re only three dates in and she’s going on about babies. Whatever about you, she doesn’t know who you are really, what you’re like etc doesn’t say a lot for her character and that in itself should send you running for the hills. Sounds like it wouldn’t matter who the father was so long as she gets a baby within the next year?!

Did you know this woman beforehand or was it set up?

OP, when you meet someone, there will be a pull/spark and a chemistry you won’t be able to put into words and you’ll be drawn to her. You might be mad about them or mad at them! That’s the girl you hold onto. Deadlines and timelines won’t even come into it because everything will flow naturally.

I’d part on good terms and move on..

About 20-odd yrs ago I saw a guy in a bar walk up to every single woman systematically and ask if she wanted to have sex (for you younger folks, before tinder, hitting on women in bars was how eager young men got to have sex). Mind you, most men would perhaps be a lot more coy that your man who simply asked the question, "do you want to have sex?". Unsurprisingly, a lot of women gave a range of responses from "no" to "F off" but then one girl went "yeah, sure." And off they went. People may have laughed at his crude methods but he went to that bar with a purpose and achieved in a few minutes what other men attempting the same failed to do despite being their all night buying drinks. The girl I see no different. She's 37. She's not interested in wasting what little time she has left to produce children chatting up guys who have no clue what they want in life. She has a purpose and I wish her luck in finding a guy with a similar mindset.

wiggle16

Mod:

I think this thread has run its course at this stage - I doubt any further advice given will differ from what's been said already.

Thanks & grma all who posted. Good luck OP.

Thread locked