Why the Serious Fuss Over Weddings?

JupiterKid

So as the thread title asks - why are weddings such a huge fuss for people?

I’ve heard it said that women make much more of a huge deal of their wedding than men do, and that the stress, anxiety and expectations can become completely overwhelming for some. You hear of the “bridezilla” stories, of super lavish affairs with hundreds of guests, people getting into serious debt over their “perfect” day etc. And that’s not taking the increasingly lavish and expensive hen and stag parties into account.

It really seems crazy and ridiculous to me. My OH and I have been talking about marriage for a while now and if and when we do get hitched, it will be a relatively simple, low key affair, with family and closest friends invited. As it would be a same-sex wedding, there would be no church service (which suits me) and the reception would be low key but relaxed and classy.

Most of my good mates had their weddings 10 to 15 years ago now, some were very big and lavish, others were smaller and more intimate and TBH the smaller ones were nicer and more fun.

Do you think, due to social conditioning and materialism, that people have lost the run of themselves when it comes to weddings? Isn’t the marriage the really important thing, not the actual wedding day itself?

Calhoun

Depends on a couple of things, first its the couple getting married. Allot of people forget that your essentially hosting a good party to celebrate an important occasion in your life and that the focus should be on making sure the guests have a good time and enjoy it.

The other variable is family, your bringing two families together for a day and that can complicate the hell out of things. My generation would have been one of the first where divorce was a regular occurrence and that complicated the hell out of it.

AllForIt

Calhoun wrote: »

The other variable is family, your bringing two families together for a day and that can complicate the hell out of things. My generation would have been one of the first where divorce was a regular occurrence and that complicated the hell out of it.

Yeah it does sound a bit complicated to get divorced first and then get married.

NIMAN

From reading reports of recent weddings in Ireland, it appears the boom is back.
And people are back to spending small fortunes on them, some in the hope of impressing people or getting on social media.

Probably taking dancing lessons again for the first dance, thinking up some wacky thing to do to get likes.

I was in a Donegal hotel about 2 weeks ago. Was sitting having a pint when 2 young 'uns had a meeting with the hotel wedding planner. They were within earshot (ok so I was listening).

I heard them chat about the band, thats fair enough. Most of us have had a band. But they also said they were getting a comedian and a comedy hypnotist for the evening do.

Calhoun

AllForIt wrote: »

Yeah it does sound a bit complicated to get divorced first and then get married.

Lol i meant the parents were divorced so trying to blend parents and their new spouses and all the baggage it can bring is a ****ing nightmare.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

One of my husband’s friends is getting married in the US next summer. He’s not being decadent there; his bride-to-be is American. But he’s having the stag abroad too, on the continent. I can’t get over that. I’d be making the stag as affordable as possible. I thought maybe the groomsmen planned it without his knowledge but apparently he was keen on a foreign stag.

One of the groomsmen is wealthy and a bit oblivious and all the groomsmen are like “Sure, the two trips can be your holidays next year!”. There’s a lot of behind the scenes grumbling. Between the two, you’re talking thousands and thousands of euro. To be honest, it’s a lot of money for anybody, even the well-paid. I’d be mortified asking people to pony up so much for my wedding.

I already know I’m not going to the wedding. I felt bad until something shocked sense into me. A friend of ours who is financially pretty comfortable said she can’t really afford to go and that made me realise “Hang on, you’re on welfare, of course you can’t go to a wedding in the US!”. So I don’t feel bad anymore. I’m not putting myself in debt for it.

Hubs thinks the stag is the only thing he’ll do. It’s mad if people have to choose between the two. Decadent weddings need to go. My MIL showed me her wedding album recently and it was so elegant and pared back.

NIMAN

If people want to get married abroad, they can't expect hundreds of people to follow them out.

Simply not possible for a lot of people.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

NIMAN wrote: »

From reading reports of recent weddings in Ireland, it appears the boom is back.
And people are back to spending small fortunes on them, some in the hope of impressing people or getting on social media.

Probably taking dancing lessons again for the first dance, thinking up some wacky thing to do to get likes.

I was in a Donegal hotel about 2 weeks ago. Was sitting having a pint when 2 young 'uns had a meeting with the hotel wedding planner. They were within earshot (ok so I was listening).

I heard them chat about the band, thats fair enough. Most of us have had a band. But they also said they were getting a comedian and a comedy hypnotist for the evening do.

That sounds brutal. Imagine how bland a comedian would have to be in order to offend nobody?

The last three weddings I was at had no gimmicks (photo booths etc.) and they weren’t missed at all. It never even crossed my mind.

Omackeral

NIMAN wrote: »

If people want to get married abroad, they can't expect hundreds of people to follow them out.

Simply not possible for a lot of people.

I even think these two day weddings at home with a brunch or whatever the next day is pushing it.

Graces7

Pressure from families?

When I was fairly new to Ireland I knew a young woman, with a small child, living with the father as they had had to decide, because of family pressures, to build their home instead of getting married.

Both had large famiiles and would demand a big "after" wedding "do!

She was upset as marriage meant so much for religious reasons.

Well, I was able to help organise a small secret wedding! ( knew the Franciscans)

Just half a dozen folk and the toddler running round. Flowers and cake and a meal after. It was for the wedding itself, not the hype. A lovely occasion.

Their plan was, after they had told the families, to wait until the house was finished, then have a huge housewarming party

Just family pressure and social pressure.

eviltwin

I hate weddings. I would have not been able to cope with a traditional affair, we got married very quietly with just a few people there who thought they were going to a house warming. Simple with no fuss. Why do people go mad? Who knows but it's one of the reasons the wedding forum on boards is so entertaining.

maximoose

They are only as crazy/ridiculous/over the top as the couple involved want them to be

Got married 3 weeks ago - no stress, had a lot of fun planning it, saved for a year and paid for the whole thing ourselves. No wild spending, no debt, no expectation of gifts etc.

There's always crazy stories (see the wedding forum here) but they are outliers surely

Wedding wankery and the thirst to go viral is all they're about these days.

Graces7

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

Wedding wankery and the thirst to go viral is all they're about these days.

Not everyone.. heard of other couples having secret weddings and even at least one elopement!

salmocab

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

One of my husband’s friends is getting married in the US next summer. He’s not being decadent there; his bride-to-be is American. But he’s having the stag abroad too, on the continent. I can’t get over that. I’d be making the stag as affordable as possible. I thought maybe the groomsmen planned it without his knowledge but apparently he was keen on a foreign stag.

One of the groomsmen is wealthy and a bit oblivious and all the groomsmen are like “Sure, the two trips can be your holidays next year!”. There’s a lot of behind the scenes grumbling. Between the two, you’re talking thousands and thousands of euro. To be honest, it’s a lot of money for anybody, even the well-paid. I’d be mortified asking people to pony up so much for my wedding.

I already know I’m not going to the wedding. I felt bad until something shocked sense into me. A friend of ours who is financially pretty comfortable said she can’t really afford to go and that made me realise “Hang on, you’re on welfare, of course you can’t go to a wedding in the US!”. So I don’t feel bad anymore. I’m not putting myself in debt for it.

Hubs thinks the stag is the only thing he’ll do. It’s mad if people have to choose between the two. Decadent weddings need to go. My MIL showed me her wedding album recently and it was so elegant and pared back.

One of my mates got married abroad years ago, as it happened he was one of the first weddings so very few had children at that stage so loads of us made it our summer holiday and it worked out great, for the stag he wanted a big trip abroad and the best man just shot it down straight away and said your not inviting people to a wedding away and also getting the lads to pay for another trip. People get caught up and probably need a reality check sometimes.

Black Swan

Weddings? Rites of passage.

Couldn't face spending that money on one

kippy

I think it's down to the couple but I think there are many more options for people now to have far less elaborate weddings and to be fair as others have said I think I've seen far more intimate/nonstandard weddings the past few years than over the top ones.
As others have also said weddings can be complicated by family issues where a lot of the stress comes from.

Trekker09

Been to 3 family weddings in the past 5 years where it's the other end of the country and is 3 nights in a 4-5 star hotel. As the kids were invited, for 2 of the weddings we had to book 2 rooms @ approx. €300/night/room! With food, drink (my kids are of drinking age and at uni!) and usual extras, it hit us for about €4k per wedding. What pisses me off most though is the fact that in all cases, the couple getting married were local to our area but picked the wedding venues for 'wow' factor.

road_high

Trekker09 wrote: »

Been to 3 family weddings in the past 5 years where it's the other end of the country and is 3 nights in a 4-5 star hotel. As the kids were invited, for 2 of the weddings we had to book 2 rooms @ approx. €300/night/room! With food, drink (my kids are of drinking age and at uni!) and usual extras, it hit us for about €4k per wedding. What pisses me off most though is the fact that in all cases, the couple getting married were local to our area but picked the wedding venues for 'wow' factor.

You must be soft in the head. You booked and paid for €300 per night rooms for your grown up kids as well as everything else. I really drew a short straw with my folks!

Trekker09

road_high wrote: »

You must be soft in the head. You booked and paid for €300 per night rooms for your grown up kids as well as everything else. I really drew a short straw with my folks!

Why soft in the head? I didn't have any option! We're lucky enough to be able to afford it but I know some of the couples that went had to take out loans!

road_high

Trekker09 wrote: »

Why soft in the head? I didn't have any option! We're lucky enough to be able to afford it but I know some of the couples that went had to take out loans!

They pay for themselves or stay at home- weddings aren’t compulsory or life threatening like say needing brain surgery.
Taking out loans for stuff like this is insanity. So glad I’m not one of these people that has to fit in just because everyone else appears to be doing it

Pinch Flat

Work colleague spent €40,000 on the wedding. €40k ffs! The boom is getting boomier

road_high

Pinch Flat wrote: »

Work colleague spent €40,000 on the wedding. €40k ffs! The boom is getting boomier

Crazy. No doubt the poor parents will be expected to stump up also. Easy credit and full employment a big factor

u140acro3xs7dm

Trekker09 wrote: »

Why soft in the head? I didn't have any option! We're lucky enough to be able to afford it but I know some of the couples that went had to take out loans!

Insanity, If I even have to dip into my savings for a wedding, I'm not going. I'll go to a local wedding and get a taxi home. For close friends, I will stay for one night in a hotel, if its out of town, but none of these 2-day weddings.

Couples expect you to get excited about their big day, but apart from very close friends, normally of the bride, nobody really cares - most would rather not be there.

Trekker09

road_high wrote: »

They pay for themselves or stay at home- weddings aren’t compulsory or life threatening like say needing brain surgery.
Taking out loans for stuff like this is insanity. So glad I’m not one of these prior that has to fit in just because everyone else appears to be doing it

So why would we leave our kids at home? As I said, we're fortunate enough to be able to afford it, but my point is that there were plenty of other people, close family on both sides, that struggled.

Trekker09

Molly Prickly Mudslide wrote: »

Insanity, If I even have to dip into my savings for a wedding, I'm not going. I'll go to a local wedding and get a taxi home. For close friends, I will stay for one night in a hotel, if its out of town, but none of these 2-day weddings.

Couples expect you to get excited about their big day, but apart from very close friends, normally of the bride, nobody really cares - most would rather not be there.

100% bang on. It seems that unless the couple put on a mini Electric Picnic then the marriage is doomed to failure!

WengerOutIn

I want to throw this out there. People getting married at Christmas. I have two weddings I have been invited to, but I do not know how the hell I can afford to go either of them. Literally right after Christmas when everyone is broke, apart from the lovely couples in question. Why do people do that?

are ye afraid to say that 99% of the daftness is driven by the women?

ive never heard a single justification for the ****e that goes on and the money that gets spent, it all seems the greatest spoof going to me.

thirty grand for "my big day", jesus its toddler mentality stuff really

El_Duderino 09

JupiterKid wrote: »

...the reception would be low key but relaxed and classy...

Some people think a classy wedding involves lots of being ostentatious. Some people try to organise a big event which they have to manage and be the star of for the day. So on a pretty significant day in their entire life, they also have to be an event manager.

If you go somewhere like a hotel, the staff will be well able to manage a small wedding without much input on the day. It takes some organisation beforehand but if you have realistic expectations, like knowing things don't always go to plan, then you'll be grand.

Some people see value in being stressed (shows your working hard) others see value in being relaxed and chatting to guests and having a nice time.

Wildly Boaring

Trekker09 wrote: »

Been to 3 family weddings in the past 5 years where it's the other end of the country and is 3 nights in a 4-5 star hotel. As the kids were invited, for 2 of the weddings we had to book 2 rooms @ approx. €300/night/room! With food, drink (my kids are of drinking age and at uni!) and usual extras, it hit us for about €4k per wedding. What pisses me off most though is the fact that in all cases, the couple getting married were local to our area but picked the wedding venues for 'wow' factor.

Ha. The boom is deffo back. 4k to attend a wedding!!

You realise you are not obligated to do anything in life?
Not obligated to do 3 nights.
Not obligated to stay in same hotel.
Not obligated to even go.

Couple lovely B&Bs in Adare, handy walk to Adare Manor. Mount Juilet same.

LirW

I think there is strong wedding culture here and the norms are different. It's a flourishing industry, otherwise these poor selfie mirror sods wouldn't survive.
I believe people should celebrate the way they want once they can afford but I feel a lot is dictated especially among women. You have to invite, you have to do X, you gotta to Y, keep in mind auntie Mary.
I found a great example a while ago, it was about a bride that fell in love with the idea of having royal blue nails for her wedding. No big deal, right? No, she was put under so much pressure that a french manicure is the norm that she seriously doubted her decision as if she's gonna make a huge mistake.
And this is it in a nutshell.

I come from a background where weddings are small and only the closest people are invited do there is a healthy interaction between guests and the couple. Irish weddings are so big, that it feels like you're summoned to some conference with mediocre hotel food.
It is the same hotel setting, the same church setting, the same food (people seem to have such notions about wedding food). And all because this is what you do to keep your friends as well as the aul relatives happy.
Throw in the latest gimmicks and it often feels like an affair that's not representing the couple and what they want but everything that's expected to have a "good" wedding.

JohnnyFlash

[Deleted User] wrote: »

are ye afraid to say that 99% of the daftness is driven by the women?

ive never heard a single justification for the ****e that goes on and the money that gets spent, it all seems the greatest spoof going to me.

thirty grand for "my big day", jesus its toddler mentality stuff really

Women are way more gullible than men when it comes to marketing and advertising. They’ve been told the wedding is the most special day of their lives. End up spending a fortune on mediocre food, photos that no one wants to look at, and dresses for bridesmaids who don’t even like you.

The only good thing about a wedding is sinking back a load of pints and hitting the dance floor for a boogie. And the cocktail sausages later, even though people are going fancy with that now as well and so you get served rubbery pulled pork rolls instead.

Trekker09

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

Ha. The boom is deffo back. 4k to attend a wedding!!

You realise you are not obligated to do anything in life?
Not obligated to do 3 nights.
Not obligated to stay in same hotel.
Not obligated to even go.

Couple lovely B&Bs in Adare, handy walk to Adare Manor. Mount Juilet same.

My original point is that we didn't have a choice but I made the point because it put a massive strain on close family members to attend, some of them young with small kids etc. You're right, we are not obligated, and if it wasn't for my wife being so close to her family we wouldn't have gone. No option to stay elsewhere on 2 of the occasions as they were remote.

pwurple

Ugh. And the sexism starts.... Men have families and friends they want to invite. My husband invited about twice the number of people to our wedding than I did.

Some people have absolutely no idea of the cost of things. You're buying dinner for 200 people for a start. How much do you think that costs?

Say you take your family out to a slap up dinner to celebrate something... i dunno, a birthday, an anniversary, some achievement , maybe you won an award. How much do you think that costs? Both sides of your family... mums , dads, siblings and partners. Maybe a couple of aunts or neighbours. Include wine. Let's say 40 people. How much would that cost you? You won't get much change from 4k. Now, maybe you want to add a suit and a nice shirt to that, you nip down the tailors... 500 quid? A new dress, hair, shoes another 500. You're at 5k here already for a dinner out with a small group.

Now, multiply that up by 5 (include suits and dresses for other bridal party members) to get to your 200 people. Look here, you're at 20k on just dinner, drinks and some outfits. None of that is frills.

Think then of everything else that gets added. A wedding cake, wouldn't be outrageous to have one of those would it? Entertainment for hours, maybe music in the ceremony, and music after your dinner? The ceremony itself and registrars, they're not free. A photographer.
All these things are thousands more, and none of this is yet a blingy wedding.
Put yourself, your parents and the bridal party up in the hotel for the night? Another 2k.



Now, you can of course go to the registry office, and then out for a bag of crisps and a pint after. That's fun too, and some couples do it. But if you want to buy dinner for 200 people, you're into big bucks straight away. And you cannot persuade me that every fella in the universe wants the crisps option, and every woman wants to treat her friends.

Edgware

To much planning and thinking about it nowadays. God be with the good old shotgun wedding times. A dress with an elasticated waistband, a bit of a do, a couple of nights in a B and B in Salthill or maybe " he's got a job in London so they decided to bring the wedding forward" story.

"sexism"?

"the lads want it too"!

"what if you took everyone you knew to dinner in a castle, what THEN huh"?

will u shtopppp

pwurple

Deleted User wrote: »

"sexism"?

You think this isn't sexism?

Women are way more gullible than men

Give me a break.

razorblunt

NIMAN wrote: »

From reading reports of recent weddings in Ireland, it appears the boom is back.
And people are back to spending small fortunes on them, some in the hope of impressing people or getting on social media.

Probably taking dancing lessons again for the first dance, thinking up some wacky thing to do to get likes.

I was in a Donegal hotel about 2 weeks ago. Was sitting having a pint when 2 young 'uns had a meeting with the hotel wedding planner. They were within earshot (ok so I was listening).

I heard them chat about the band, thats fair enough. Most of us have had a band. But they also said they were getting a comedian and a comedy hypnotist for the evening do.

I was at a wedding where they got the "Wedding Comedian" before the meal. The bald lad, think he used to do the warm up for RTE, flogs his "make a boyband" setup and "Dunnes, €5" jokes.

He went down like a lead balloon.

razorblunt

Trekker09 wrote: »

My original point is that we didn't have a choice but I made the point because it put a massive strain on close family members to attend, some of them young with small kids etc. You're right, we are not obligated, and if it wasn't for my wife being so close to her family we wouldn't have gone. No option to stay elsewhere on 2 of the occasions as they were remote.

The ones with young children wouldn't need two rooms.

farmchoice

pwurple wrote: »

You think this isn't sexism?


it isn't sexism, its stupidity. he didn't have more people there because he is a man he had more people there because you agreed to it even though you were unhappy with it.

what you should have done is what practically every other couple in the country do, have a more or less 50/50 split.

pwurple

pwurple wrote: »

You think this isn't sexism?



Give me a break.

heh ok look ill grant you that one

Feisar

Pinch Flat wrote: »

Work colleague spent €40,000 on the wedding. €40k ffs! The boom is getting boomier

It does add up though:

Hotel Food
Rings
Wedding Dress
Brides Maids
Brides Maids Shoes
Groom
Grooms Men
Car
Photographer
Camera Man
Hair & Makeup
Church
Pre Wedding Crap
Priest
Alter Person
Flowers
Band
Invites
Stag
Hen
DJ
Rooms for wedding party
Honeymoon
Wedding Cake
Music in Church
Registration
Night Before Meal
BBQ After

MarkY91

My auntie had a famous comedian, band, big fancy dinner...the lot. They were crippled by it. 4 years later, they're separated and can't stand eachother.

It was just a Facebook wedding to get loads of attention and loads of likes on their photoshoot posts.

terrydel

Apart from the states, I've never seen a country where weddings are more materialistic, showy, look at us occasions than Ireland.
Sure half the people invited to most of the ones Ive been to, would see the couple once a year at best, and are invited just to get the numbers up in my view. Make it look like you are popular. One of the first questions asked about a wedding is how many attended. Who cares.
Ireland is a highly materialistic country imho, and there is no greater display of that than our attitude to weddings.

Pinch Flat

Feisar wrote: »

It does add up though:
Night Before Meal
BBQ After

Could never understand this wankology. Bad enough filling people full of food and drink on the day, but the day before and the day after? Ah here.

Feisar

Feisar wrote: »

It does add up though:

Hotel Food
Rings
Wedding Dress
Brides Maids
Brides Maids Shoes
Groom
Grooms Men
Car
Photographer
Camera Man
Hair & Makeup
Church
Pre Wedding Crap
Priest
Alter Person
Flowers
Band
Invites
Stag
Hen
DJ
Rooms for wedding party
Honeymoon
Wedding Cake
Music in Church
Registration
Night Before Meal
BBQ After

itemisation is not an argument nor a justification!

whisky_galore

Wedding invite = unwelcome bill coming through letterbox.

I usually feign illness or death when I get one.

Hoboo

Feisar wrote: »

It does add up though:

Hotel Food
Rings
Wedding Dress
Brides Maids
Brides Maids Shoes
Groom
Grooms Men
Car
Photographer
Camera Man
Hair & Makeup
Church
Pre Wedding Crap
Priest
Alter Person
Flowers
Band
Invites
Stag
Hen
DJ
Rooms for wedding party
Honeymoon
Wedding Cake
Music in Church
Registration
Night Before Meal
BBQ After

Sure thing Franc

suicide_circus

nothing worse than a wedding invitation

u140acro3xs7dm

pwurple wrote: »

Ugh. And the sexism starts.... Men have families and friends they want to invite. My husband invited about twice the number of people to our wedding than I did.

Some people have absolutely no idea of the cost of things. You're buying dinner for 200 people for a start. How much do you think that costs?

Say you take your family out to a slap up dinner to celebrate something... i dunno, a birthday, an anniversary, some achievement , maybe you won an award. How much do you think that costs? Both sides of your family... mums , dads, siblings and partners. Maybe a couple of aunts or neighbours. Include wine. Let's say 40 people. How much would that cost you? You won't get much change from 4k. Now, maybe you want to add a suit and a nice shirt to that, you nip down the tailors... 500 quid? A new dress, hair, shoes another 500. You're at 5k here already for a dinner out with a small group.

Now, multiply that up by 5 (include suits and dresses for other bridal party members) to get to your 200 people. Look here, you're at 20k on just dinner, drinks and some outfits. None of that is frills.

Think then of everything else that gets added. A wedding cake, wouldn't be outrageous to have one of those would it? Entertainment for hours, maybe music in the ceremony, and music after your dinner? The ceremony itself and registrars, they're not free. A photographer.
All these things are thousands more, and none of this is yet a blingy wedding.
Put yourself, your parents and the bridal party up in the hotel for the night? Another 2k.



Now, you can of course go to the registry office, and then out for a bag of crisps and a pint after. That's fun too, and some couples do it. But if you want to buy dinner for 200 people, you're into big bucks straight away. And you cannot persuade me that every fella in the universe wants the crisps option, and every woman wants to treat her friends.

What you consider a basic wedding is all well over the top, and exactly what the OP was getting at. Why would you need 200 people there? Would you invite 200 people out for drinks on a Saturday night?

What you consider a no-frills wedding ends up costing a guest hundreds - if not more. For the cost of going to one wedding, i could get 5 or 6 great nights out, doing what i want to do. Not sitting in a hotel beside some couple I barely know, listening to some dreary speeches which go on for an hour.