Feeling like I'm done with my marriage...

ILoveYourVibes

Leave him.

Or at least for the moment ..don't commit to any further plans with him.

Reestablish connections with family and friends. Tell them your relationship is in difficulty. Ask for support.

They might be able to help you give you a place to stay for a while.

Maybe ask for a temp separation?

Originally Posted by marieholmfan View Post
The issue is your depression not your husband.
Have you communicated any of this to him?

Who earns more money?
What is the difference?

I would say being married to this man has caused her depression to a great deal.

She has clearly stated she has multiple times communicated to him.

Your next question is irrelevant. In a marriage what is his is hers until they separate. It has nothing to do with him throwing shoes at her and pressuring her into sex and treating her body as if its just there to pleasure him 3 weeks after giving birth.

Doctors say SIX WEEKS btw. That is medical advise. He was endangering his wife.

He isn't a good person he sounds like a selfish psycho.

ILoveYourVibes

EverythingIsPeachy wrote: »

I do, but not close to home.

If you were to move I mean find a place could they come stay with you ..maybe help with kids? Just for a while?

If you are working you could rent.

tea and coffee

Mind yourself and be careful. I'm sure Womens Aid have told you that now is the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship- especially as you say his level of control is escalating.

Redser87

Great that you've taken the first steps, OP. It's not easy so do be careful and don't be afraid to call in whatever support you can get from friends, family and the professionals. Women in situations like yours sometimes feel that they shouldn't bother people or use up their time. This is exactly the time to ask for whatever help you need - nobody will feel bothered and they will be glad to take the time.

shamrock55

Your husband sounds like an absolute prick and your a pushover and he knows it, I can't for the life of me understand why women put up with men like that

Sorry op, just seen your making steps to leave him.
Good for you and good luck with it

LegacyUser

Can he really stop you from moving the children back to Ireland with you? Get good legal advice about that.

zapper55

Do not ask for a temporary separation. Christ almighty that's terrible terrible advice in this situation.

A woman in an abusive relationship is at most risk when she is planning to leave. Telling him of your plans is not a good idea.

His threat of over my dead body gave me chills.

Can you get into the car with you and your kids today and go to your friend in London? Would they have room, even temporarily? The alternative could be a lot worse for you.

zapper55

shamrock55 wrote: »

I can't for the life of me understand why women put up with men like that

Because it starts subtly and when the behaviours is really bad your confidence or ability to leave is so eroded you feel trapped or that it's your fault or that you can make it better.

Just if the OP or any other women in a similar situation reads this and blames themselves for staying. It's not your fault.

eviltwin

shamrock55 wrote: »

Your husband sounds like an absolute prick and your a pushover and he knows it, I can't for the life of me understand why women put up with men like tha

Some people don't have a choice. How many people can just up and leave and start all over again? The OP is living away from her support network and has children so it's not as easy as just walking away. I don't think she's a pushover, she's someone trapped in a difficult situation with limited options. Your not so thinly veiled dig at her isn't going to help her.

LuciX

I'm not a robot wrote: »

Can he really stop you from moving the children back to Ireland with you? Get good legal advice about that.

Of course he can. And any responsible father would.

Children are theirs, not hers!
And their life is settled in the UK.
There's no such thing as unilateral decisions when it comes to children unless the other parent is deceased or nowhere to be found.

Go do some research before talking ****.

lavinia hathaway

LuciX wrote: »

Of course he can. And any responsible father would.

Children are theirs, not hers!
And their life is settled in the UK.
There's no such thing as unilateral decisions when it comes to children unless the other parent is deceased or nowhere to be found.

Go do some research before talking ****.

Responsible fathers do not throw things at their childrens' mother and act in a sexually coercive manner. They also don't get jealous of the attention the children receive from their mother. From the opening post this father is nowhere to be found with regard to helping and supporting his family, and is also abusive and dangerous.

twill

OP, have you enquired whether it would be possible to move and then apply for a court order? This is not an ordinary situation, after all, and you justifiably feel that you could potentially be in danger.

suicide_circus

no amount of therapy or mediation will fix this. he sounds like a sociopath. get out of there.

HildaOgdenx

I wonder if he will be so anxious to keep the children when the reality of what is entailed in looking after them day to day becomes apparent to him.

Please stay safe OP, and get out as soon as you can.

wiggle16

LuciX wrote: »

Go do some research before talking ****.

Mod:

If you can't be civil, don't post.

ILoveYourVibes

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

I wonder if he will be so anxious to keep the children when the reality of what is entailed in looking after them day to day becomes apparent to him.

Please stay safe OP, and get out as soon as you can.

Its a threat to control her.

I would call his bluff and ask him if he wants me to leave and leave the kids with him.

wiggle16

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its a threat to control her.

I would call his bluff and ask him if he wants me to leave and leave the kids with him.

Vibes, I'm sorry but this is very dangerous advice.

You do not call the bluff of a man such as the OP is describing, because it's not a bluff. Men like him thrive on control - he won't just let that slip away. As has been pointed out earlier, a woman in an abusive relationship is most at risk when she's planning to leave the situation. Threats or even negotiation will not ameliorate that in the slightest.

LuciX

<SNIPPED>

Mod warning:

Do not argue a mod instruction the the thread please. Report it or take it to PM.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

This place you could run to in London, could he find you there? Can you have a plan in place for getting there if you need to, both while you're still in the house and when you get moved? A plan that you're very clear about in your head but which there is no paper trail or evidence of? I appreciate with small children and all the kit that entails that's difficult.

Listen to everything women's aid and the police say, if this thread is a helpful outlet or source of feedback then good, but those are your guides.

I'm assuming from how crap he is with the kids he's not in the habit of spending any time alone with them? If he suddenly develops an interest in that, if the kids ever aren't where they're supposed to be, you call the police and you call them straight away.

You seem like you're sensible enough to not need this reiterated but DO NOT issue any ultimatum, call any bluffs.

Good luck x

wiggle16

Hannah Rich Seasickness wrote: »

I'm assuming from how crap he is with the kids he's not in the habit of spending any time alone with them? If he suddenly develops an interest in that, if the kids ever aren't where they're supposed to be, you call the police and you call them straight away.

If I could I'd thank this twice. Very, very good point.

Thumpette

I'm so so sorry you're going through this Op.

I dont have any advice beyond agreeing with others who said this sounds beyond mediation and that you need to get yourself and your babies out.

I couldn't just read and go. I just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful mother. You are worth more than how he's treating you. You deserve more. I hope your future is filled with the happiness and peace you deserve

Bobtheman

I am always amazed at the way people self rigteouely wade into these texts without thinking that they are only getting half the story. Her half
Don't get me wrong if what she says is true - he needs to change.
You need to suggest he change and make it clear if he doesn't you get counselling. Both of you.
Separation is traumatic and financially ruinous. Don't rush into it. It affects kids deeply
But one wonders how much you have tried to alter his behaviors!
He has not hit you ? Correct?
Don't take advice from posters who only have a few lines to go on.. get professional advice not the hysterical over reaction you get here

wiggle16

Bobtheman wrote: »

I am always amazed at the way people self rigteouely wade into these texts without thinking that they are only getting half the story. Her half
Don't get me wrong if what she says is true - he needs to change.
You need to suggest he change and make it clear if he doesn't you get counselling. Both of you.
Separation is traumatic and financially ruinous. Don't rush into it. It affects kids deeply
But one wonders how much you have tried to alter his behaviors!
He has not hit you ? Correct?
Don't take advice from posters who only have a few lines to go on.. get professional advice not the hysterical over reaction you get here

Mod:

The OP's GP referred her to Women's Aid and the police. There is not going to be any debate in this thread about whether the OP is in an abusive relationship. It is not helpful.

We only ever get one side of the story in PI, that's how it works. PI is not a mediation service. You either assume good faith on the part of the OP and base your advice on what they've said, or you don't post.

ILoveYourVibes

wiggle16 wrote: »

Vibes, I'm sorry but this is very dangerous advice.

You do not call the bluff of a man such as the OP is describing, because it's not a bluff. Men like him thrive on control - he won't just let that slip away. As has been pointed out earlier, a woman in an abusive relationship is most at risk when she's planning to leave the situation. Threats or even negotiation will not ameliorate that in the slightest.

You seem like you're sensible enough to not need this reiterated but DO NOT issue any ultimatum, call any bluffs.

Good luck x

you don't have to be sorry. Its great you have a different opinion to me. Its kind of like the 10 th man rule. When 9 people agree on an outcome or topic its the duty of the 10 th man to disagree. Its kind of wonderful when someone says don't follow this advice ..because this ...and that way the op can take a little from here and little from there etc.

I have seen threats work. And they worked for me when i was in a violent relationship.

I wouldn't say they work for all. But it would be equally dangerous to say they never work at all either. Because they do.

They are very useful weapon when dealing with 'certain' people.

I think people shy away from it because it doesn't fit the narrative what we like to think victims of abuse should do and how they should behave.

This ends up with victims being chained by 'ethics' while the abuser is not. And that is dangerous.

At the very least the OP should contact women's aid and get the nastiest most vicious divorce lawyer she can find. These things can be done covertly too.

Often if you play nice ..you get nothing. You may at times have to 'act' nice...but actually don't play nice.

Hannibal_Smith

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I think people shy away from it because it doesn't fit the narrative what we like to think victims of abuse should do and how they should behave.



Often if you play nice ..you get nothing. You may at times have to 'act' nice...but actually don't play nice.

Its not a narrative of how people should behave because of manners. Its because the situation could be highly dangerous. Threats could cause the situation to escalate. So the idea is to keep the situation calm, until she can follow the advice the GP gave. Its about safety not watching Ps and Qs

LegacyUser

Bobtheman wrote: »

Separation is traumatic and financially ruinous. Don't rush into it. It affects kids deeply

Couples staying together in unhappy relationships also affects kids deeply, trust me I speak from experience. My parents stuck it out longer than they should have 'for the kids' and as a result my siblings and I had very unhappy childhood and as adults struggle in relationships as our main guide was our parents unhealthy one. It's taken years of work for me to have a healthy relationship and understand how toxic my parents one was. I wish they'd separated years before they actually did and saved them and us a lot of stress and abuse.

LegacyUser

He was arrested, charged and bailed. I'm in the house on my own with the children, he's not allowed near it. I need to move ASAP.

Princess Calla

EverythingIsPeachy wrote: »

He was arrested, charged and bailed. I'm in the house on my own with the children, he's not allowed near it. I need to move ASAP.

Ah jesus you poor thing

You will get through this!

Have you any where to go, could you even come home for Christmas to get your head together and build your strength up?

Fakediamond

EverythingIsPeachy wrote: »

He was arrested, charged and bailed. I'm in the house on my own with the children, he's not allowed near it. I need to move ASAP.

Sorry to hear that. Could you arrange it with your employer to take a big break over Christmas, maybe even starting now. Come home to your family, if you can, and take some time to consider your next move. You need support and a place of safety to think things through.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the custody issues just now, he’s not allowed near you, or the kids, I’d imagine, and that leaves you free to make decisions in their best interest for now.

MissShihTzu

Fakediamond wrote: »

Sorry to hear that. Could you arrange it with your employer to take a big break over Christmas, maybe even starting now. Come home to your family, if you can, and take some time to consider your next move. You need support and a place of safety to think things through.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the custody issues just now, he’s not allowed near you, or the kids, I’d imagine, and that leaves you free to make decisions in their best interest for now.

I was following the thread and had a nasty feeling things had ramped up. I'm sorry about what's happened, but with your husband out of the house now, you've got breathing room, OP.

Fakediamond's right about the custody bit. Now that your husband's known to the Bill, he has zero chance of getting custody as presumably violence was involved. Have charges been brought as yet, do you know? That will shape your plans as well.

Get a leave of absence sorted and a flight home ASAP. At least you and the kids will have the chance of having a peaceful one, relatively free of stress.

Have a lovely Christmas.