Feeling like I'm done with my marriage...

LegacyUser

Mid-30s, married 4 years to similar age husband, together almost a decade, 2 young children.

I'm exhausted.

We both work full time in demanding jobs, but after that he does almost nothing at home. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, all the laundry, most of the childcare for two very active little kids, take on all the mental load around the house and end up having to facilitate his time consuming hobby. He literally would sit around doing nothing while I'm working my arse off and it's unbelievably annoying.

I've suffered from postnatal depression since the birth of my second child, he literally won't listen when I tell him something is wrong. I've been told "you're ruining my holiday" and had the car radio turned up at me when I told him I was at a low point and he's trying to convince me to come off my meds ever since I commented on side effects. They're actually working, fatigue is a side effect.

He deliberately does things that provoke my anxiety too and tries to blame me afterwards, it's very frustrating.

He has also been sexually coercive - there have been quite a few times where he makes me feel like I can't say no. After the birth of our first child he pushed and pushed until I gave in to sex just over three weeks after the birth, it hurt but he didn't seem to care. He also won't wear condoms or get the snip, I can't do hormonal contraception so I have a copper IUD despite the fact that I bleed to a ridiculous degree with it and become anaemic very quickly. When I was breastfeeding our second baby he got a massive breastfeeding fetish and would not stop grabbing my boobs and trying to suck on them and squirt milk on himself even when I clearly said no and asked him to stop. I gave up after 5 months as it was becoming incredibly triggering every time my son latched on. He has been coercive as recently as a week ago and I can't bear it any more.

It just feels like everything in my life is about him and his needs, he's even called me out for "giving the kids too much attention"! He makes financial decisions without asking me and seems to think that "better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" is a life motto. He even threw a shoe at me a month or so ago after I asked him to do a simple thing he didn't want to do.

I went to visit family with the children recently and he was on his best behaviour all week, even talking about house buying at the end of the week. I'm not signing for anything at the moment with him but I think he wants to lock me in...

Keyzer

Your husband sounds like a selfish idiot.

I'd suggest counselling as a last resort and, if that doesn't fix anything, you need to ask yourself are you worth more than this overgrown child.

nthclare

He sounds like a convert narcissist, they can hide for year's, without you realising it he's probably been chipping away at you for year's, undermining your integrity and goodness.

I've a cousin doing this to his partner, and she's gone from a confident attractive looking woman to a shadow of herself and she's starting to fight back against him.
He doesn't like it, but hopefully she'll get rid of him.

My only suggestion is to make plans to sort yourself out and don't let him know you're planning on leaving him.
Give him plenty of rope, then when you're confident enough pull the carpet from underneath him.

Because if you don't be ruthless,hell try to be all nice and say hell change.

He won't change....

Shock and awe only works for these bastard's

Xterminator

nthclare wrote: »

Shock and awe only works for these bastard's

unfortunately this bastard is the father of her children and they will need to try to maintain a civil relationship after any breakup. So i heartily disagree with any tactic that is designed to 'shock and awe'. Mediation is the best way forward to agree living, financial and custody/visitation arrangements.

Like most people i would recommend any fallout from the breakup be as limited as possible to mitigate the upset to the children, both now an in the future. That's not to defend the husbands behaviour but simply to put the children's interests above those of the parents.

so make plans, create a fund for emergencies, sound any any family or close friend support you have, as they can make all the difference in the difficult period.

Also get legal advice. this is crucial!

Ruraldweller56

You should try counselling

nthclare

Xterminator wrote: »

unfortunately this bastard is the father of her children and they will need to try to maintain a civil relationship after any breakup. So i heartily disagree with any tactic that is designed to 'shock and awe'. Mediation is the best way forward to agree living, financial and custody/visitation arrangements.

Like most people i would recommend any fallout from the breakup be as limited as possible to mitigate the upset to the children, both now an in the future. That's not to defend the husbands behaviour but simply to put the children's interests above those of the parents.

so make plans, create a fund for emergencies, sound any any family or close friend support you have, as they can make all the difference in the difficult period.

Also get legal advice. this is crucial!

Well if you read the post he's not too keen on the kid's getting more attention than him, that's a big red flag.
A father being jealous of his partners relationship with his kid's, very insidious personality disorder there.

Look mediation is ok with people who are grown up and the relationship just fizzles out and they're trying to do whatever is best for the kid's.
This man only thinks of himself and people like yourself who defend these men who are twisted are part of the problem too.
He's only going to get worse, I've seen it before.

There's plenty of time for mediation, but this lady need's to get away from him, she's not happy he's a narcissist by the sounds of it.

LegacyUser

He is abusive. Plain and simple. Deliberately doing things to provoke your anxiety then blaming you is abusive, sexual coercion is abusive, there seems to be a thing with these abusive men about demanding sex so soon after childbirth, I know several who have done the same! They are vile!

They say not to engage in counselling with an abusive partner, so if you do go to counselling then it should be by yourself.

It's doubtful that mediation would be a success if he is like this, as by the sounds of it he won't be honest or fair, you can't come to any agreements while someone is being like that, and if you do come to agreements at mediation it is unlikely that he will stick to them.

I personally found mediation was awful and very intrusive. I went with my ex to sort out one specific issue, the house, and the mediator was asking questions about what led to the break down, she wanted to know everything including about our sex life prior to the split. I had to tell her to stop but she carried on with this list of irrelevant information she wanted to know. We went in there getting on and came out of there fuming with each other. I made a complaint and i'm not sure if all mediation services work like that but I am very wary after my experience.

@Xterminator, relationship breakdowns among couples with an abusive relationship dynamic like this are likely to be rough breakups (sorry OP). I absolutely agree that it's important to try to be civil for the sake of the children and the future co-parenting relationship. However, I bet if you did a survey on women who have got out of these kind of relationships you would find that the women can try to be as reasonable and fair and sympathetic as they can, but the situation ends up worse because of it. When he can't be sexually coercive or get to her in the relationship anymore, he will use the kids, fianances, whatever he can to get to her.

I obviously am still saying to be fair and reasonable, but just as important is to be completely firm about boundaries, if not then these situations drag on and on. Mediation may work, but i'd say in the vast, vast majority of cases with abusive men it doesn't work, and definitely not at the beginning of the break up, perhaps it would have more success later when the anger dies down! These men do not deal well with losing their partners, it's rare that they behave in a civil and fair way when dealing with the break up.

OP, please contact Womens aid and see what advice they can give you.

Caranica

Absolutely contact Women's Aid. You don't mediation, you need protection. Please get help OP, what your husband is doing is out and out abuse.

Porklife

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Remember that we're all alot stronger than we give ourselves credit for at times and I could actually sense your strength through your post. You know in your heart (and head) that your husband is abusing you and it's not an easy thing to admit to yourself let alone anybody else. I went through something very similar and came out the other sied as have many others and as will you.

I would also advise against mediation because your husband is a disgusting, abusive lowlife and you are better off as far away from him as possible and not reconcilling anything, kids or no kids. In my case the guy sounded very similar to your husband and the abuse escalated to the point of such brutal sexual, mental and phyiscal abuse. It terrifies me to think the monster walks the streets. Absolutely disgusting piece of sh*t. I strongly urge you to tell a close family member what's happening. Throwing a shoe at you may seem minor but I'm telling you that's how it starts. People generally don't go from kind and loving to strangling or stabbing someone overnight. It builds and escalates.

My case started out minor too... he'd punch walls and kick doors and shake me but never 'hit' me perse. He'd drag me out of bed by the hair or feet and force me to do things I didn't want to do. These men are scum. It will only get worse. Mine ended in such a horrific way and it breaks my heart to picture anybody else going through that.

Please get support from Womans Aid, family, friends, even close work colleagues and plan your escape route without him knowing. That's exactly what I did and the high I felt walking away with a plane ticket in my hand while he screamed and cried (literally!) in a complete state of shock was incredibly empowering. I won in the end. I was damaged at the time but wounds heal... a pathetic abusive piece of **** will never change. If anything they get worse. I pity anybody who ends up with my ex because I'd bet my life he acts so nice at the beginning, that's what monsters like that do.

I wish you every bit of strenght and luck OP xxx

Tiddlypeeps

Do you have family you can stay with?


The sexual coercion part of your post is extremely concerning, this does not sound like a man that will take it lightly if he finds out his wife is planning to leave. If you have family you can stay with I would pack up with the kids and go when he is not home and break the news to him from a safe environment.

Ruraldweller56

Ruraldweller56 wrote: »

You should try counselling

Counselling is a waste of time here. This guy sounds broken beyond repair.

Hannibal_Smith

I don't think I've ever been angrier at a post on here.

You can't stay in that situation. I'm sorry, but your husband is a vile wretch.

I don't know what your situation is, whether you have a solicitor you can contact and family you can stay with? At the very least call women's aid and see if you can talk to some one who can help you get a plan in place that will get you out of that situation as soon as possible.

Porklife

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I don't think I've ever been angrier at a post on here.

You can't stay in that situation. I'm sorry, but your husband is a vile wretch.

I don't know what your situation is, whether you have a solicitor you can contact and family you can stay with? At the very least call women's aid and see if you can talk to some one who can help you get a plan in place that will get you out of that situation as soon as possible.

Same...this post makes me sick and also very sad. I really hope Op gets the happiness she deserves but that will never happen if she stays with this sorry excuse of a man.

Ann84

OP, I am so so sorry that this is how your marriage has turned out... you think you know someone eh?!
Firstly, this is not your fault
Secondly, from where I’m sitting what he has done to you over the last couple of years is pretty much unforgivable. Even if he turned a new leaf, honestly I don’t think you will ever really get over it, it’s really f**king wrong!!!!

Do you still even really love him?

If I was in your shoes, I’d start building my escape plan - get your finances in order, start documenting anything you consider “weird” behavior and for Gods sake start building a support network, tell your family and friends confidentially what is and has been happening because if you were my friend, I would be 100% there for you to get the hell away from the absolute p***k...

No one deserves to be treated like that, especially not by someone who is supposed to love you, someone you built a family with and your kids deserve the best you... they are young now but in a few years they will begin to witness this crazy abuse and it will break your heart even more...

You have every chance of meeting the love of your life in the future but not if you stay where you are... life is short and you deserve better - that is a fact, I wish you all the best and hope you’ll look back on this time from a distance x

marieholmfan

The issue is your depression not your husband.
Have you communicated any of this to him?

Who earns more money?
What is the difference?

EverythingIsPeachy wrote: »

Mid-30s, married 4 years to similar age husband, together almost a decade, 2 young children.

I'm exhausted.

We both work full time in demanding jobs, but after that he does almost nothing at home. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, all the laundry, most of the childcare for two very active little kids, take on all the mental load around the house and end up having to facilitate his time consuming hobby. He literally would sit around doing nothing while I'm working my arse off and it's unbelievably annoying.

I've suffered from postnatal depression since the birth of my second child, he literally won't listen when I tell him something is wrong. I've been told "you're ruining my holiday" and had the car radio turned up at me when I told him I was at a low point and he's trying to convince me to come off my meds ever since I commented on side effects. They're actually working, fatigue is a side effect.

He deliberately does things that provoke my anxiety too and tries to blame me afterwards, it's very frustrating.

He has also been sexually coercive - there have been quite a few times where he makes me feel like I can't say no. After the birth of our first child he pushed and pushed until I gave in to sex just over three weeks after the birth, it hurt but he didn't seem to care. He also won't wear condoms or get the snip, I can't do hormonal contraception so I have a copper IUD despite the fact that I bleed to a ridiculous degree with it and become anaemic very quickly. When I was breastfeeding our second baby he got a massive breastfeeding fetish and would not stop grabbing my boobs and trying to suck on them and squirt milk on himself even when I clearly said no and asked him to stop. I gave up after 5 months as it was becoming incredibly triggering every time my son latched on. He has been coercive as recently as a week ago and I can't bear it any more.

It just feels like everything in my life is about him and his needs, he's even called me out for "giving the kids too much attention"! He makes financial decisions without asking me and seems to think that "better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" is a life motto. He even threw a shoe at me a month or so ago after I asked him to do a simple thing he didn't want to do.

I went to visit family with the children recently and he was on his best behaviour all week, even talking about house buying at the end of the week. I'm not signing for anything at the moment with him but I think he wants to lock me in...

jarvis

It’s easy for everyone to say leave him quickly and I agree you should. It must be a very scary step to take but if you’re honest with yourself you probably knew already that you need to split.

marieholmfan

marieholmfan wrote: »

The issue is your depression not your husband.
Have you communicated any of this to him?

Who earns more money?
What is the difference?

Are u for real for ffs

Salary Negotiator

marieholmfan wrote: »

The issue is your depression not your husband.
Have you communicated any of this to him?

Who earns more money?
What is the difference?

If he earns more does that mean he can do as he pleases?

lavinia hathaway

marieholmfan wrote: »

The issue is your depression not your husband.
Have you communicated any of this to him?

Who earns more money?
What is the difference?

Did you even read the opening post? The OP clearly stated her husband refuses to listen to her. What has his selfishness and sexual coercion got to do with her depression?


OP please contact Women's Aid and confide in your family immediately. The fact that he was on his best behaviour on your recent family visit suggests he knows well his behaviour is reprehensible and wouldn't be tolerated. I really hope you get some help and support and things get better for you.

OP you are still young and you CAN get out of this. Stay safe and as the other posters have said please contact Women's aid and confide in your family. Men like him will never change and only get worse. My sister was in an abusive controlling marriage and managed to break free and has never looked back.

LegacyUser

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Do you have family you can stay with?


The sexual coercion part of your post is extremely concerning, this does not sound like a man that will take it lightly if he finds out his wife is planning to leave. If you have family you can stay with I would pack up with the kids and go when he is not home and break the news to him from a safe environment.

I do, but not close to home.

LegacyUser

marieholmfan wrote: »

The issue is your depression not your husband.
Have you communicated any of this to him?

Who earns more money?
What is the difference?

My depression doesn't force anyone to act like that. I have communicated and he doesn't seem to care.

FWIW, he earns less than 500 a year more than I do, we both earn well above average incomes for our area and my next move should take me ahead of him.

LegacyUser

I’m really disturbed by your post. I think lots of couples have an unequal relationship when it comes to housework & kids but this is a different thing all together. I found the sex 3 weeks after having a baby & the breastfeeding thing really disturbing to even read about. The man sounds jealous of his own children.

I don’t feel I’m qualified to tell you what to do, other than saying I hope you put yourself & your children first. Maybe it would be a good idea to speak to your GP or public health nurse about being referred to services that can advise you. I hope your own nuclear family can support you.

DaeryssaOne

OP I hope you seek some help with this as it sounds as if your husband is manipulating and abusing you.
Women's Aid should be a good place to start, all the best.

woodchuck

Mod warning:

@marieholmfan, your latest post falls below the standard expected in PI/RI. Victim blaming is not welcome here.

Please make sure to read the charter before posting in the PI/RI forum again:
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057235143

woodchuck

Mod warning:

@marieholmfan, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time that you did not see my warning before you posted again.

Please heed my previous warning and read the charter before posting in RI/PI again. While we welcome different viewpoints, there is a certain standard of posting expected in this forum and we draw the line at victim blaming. Please also note:
- Medical advice is not permitted
- Do not engage in off topic arguments
- Only post if you have advice to offer the OP
- No backseat modding

Neyite

You've described sexual coercion, jealousy towards children, unwanted groping, physical violence, gaslighting, manipulative behaviour and now it's ramping up to financial control too. You are ticking a LOT of traits off from the list Women's aid have on their website - and that's just the stuff you've put in your post. There's probably much more that goes on in small insignificant ways in your home. There usually is, but you don't realise it until you are away from it.

You've kids. If they are boys, this is how they learn what a man should be. If you have girls, it teaches them that this is the kind of man out there for them and that being treated like this is the norm.

It's scary to decide to end a marriage. And particularly with children involved it's a big decision. Right around the time when women are thinking of leaving or planning to leave can be the most dangerous time for a woman & her children in an abusive relationship, so be careful. Seek advice from Women's Aid if you can, listen to the advice of women who have gotten out and proceed with the caution that they advise you. Even if you think he's not as bad as some (and you may be right) you should plan carefully.

I'm trotting out my usual advice here: This book is brilliant. It makes sense of so much. But if your online accounts are linked or trackable then you might be wise to buy it in hardcopy and keep it at work. I read a post on mumsnet this morning saying that if you feel it's a book that you need to hide at home then it's a book you need to read and that's fairly spot on.

Porklife

Such a sad thread but it doesn't need to be OP. You can make the decision to leave, plan your escape route and sail off into the sunset. I mean that. So much happiness lays ahead for you and your boys if you take all the courage you can muster and leave this animal behind. It's not easy OP but it will be so worth it.

shesty

Right, if my husband had treated me like that after I had any of my kids, I would have been gone.

Setting aside the bit about not helping, and you doing everything - the other stuff is extremely disturbing to read OP, and not normal.

I don't know if you can fix this, because you are not the problem and he obviously doesn't even see there is a problem.

As someone else said, it's easy for us to say you should leave, but I really think you need to get out. You need help and protection from this guy, and as Neyite said, your kids are seeing this and thinking it's the right way to behave.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I see any other way to go with this.

LegacyUser

OP here. I'm working to try and get out of all of this at the moment. I told my GP about a month ago and she referred me to the police, Women's Aid and the safeguarding team at the council.

Unfortunately just taking the kids and going to my mum's isn't an option, I live in the UK and all my family are in Dublin. He has mentioned "over my dead body" to any idea of moving the children away and I would then need a court order to move them. The safest place I can run to if I need to is to a friend in London, 4 hours drive away.

I've started looking for somewhere I can move to with the kids, I've accepted that any solution probably needs to be here for now. It needs to happen quickly though, his level of control is starting to escalate.

cj maxx

Sorry mods but what marieholmfan said is what I hear from my own mother when I try to tell her how abusive her daughter in law is. WHO EARNS THE MONEY, she does but it doesn't mean I should be a fcuking doormat.
I'm quietly doing would women are told and finding a place to live. You should probably check that out too.

ILoveYourVibes

Leave him.

Or at least for the moment ..don't commit to any further plans with him.

Reestablish connections with family and friends. Tell them your relationship is in difficulty. Ask for support.

They might be able to help you give you a place to stay for a while.

Maybe ask for a temp separation?

Originally Posted by marieholmfan View Post
The issue is your depression not your husband.
Have you communicated any of this to him?

Who earns more money?
What is the difference?

I would say being married to this man has caused her depression to a great deal.

She has clearly stated she has multiple times communicated to him.

Your next question is irrelevant. In a marriage what is his is hers until they separate. It has nothing to do with him throwing shoes at her and pressuring her into sex and treating her body as if its just there to pleasure him 3 weeks after giving birth.

Doctors say SIX WEEKS btw. That is medical advise. He was endangering his wife.

He isn't a good person he sounds like a selfish psycho.

ILoveYourVibes

EverythingIsPeachy wrote: »

I do, but not close to home.

If you were to move I mean find a place could they come stay with you ..maybe help with kids? Just for a while?

If you are working you could rent.

tea and coffee

Mind yourself and be careful. I'm sure Womens Aid have told you that now is the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship- especially as you say his level of control is escalating.

Redser87

Great that you've taken the first steps, OP. It's not easy so do be careful and don't be afraid to call in whatever support you can get from friends, family and the professionals. Women in situations like yours sometimes feel that they shouldn't bother people or use up their time. This is exactly the time to ask for whatever help you need - nobody will feel bothered and they will be glad to take the time.

shamrock55

Your husband sounds like an absolute prick and your a pushover and he knows it, I can't for the life of me understand why women put up with men like that

Sorry op, just seen your making steps to leave him.
Good for you and good luck with it

LegacyUser

Can he really stop you from moving the children back to Ireland with you? Get good legal advice about that.

zapper55

Do not ask for a temporary separation. Christ almighty that's terrible terrible advice in this situation.

A woman in an abusive relationship is at most risk when she is planning to leave. Telling him of your plans is not a good idea.

His threat of over my dead body gave me chills.

Can you get into the car with you and your kids today and go to your friend in London? Would they have room, even temporarily? The alternative could be a lot worse for you.

zapper55

shamrock55 wrote: »

I can't for the life of me understand why women put up with men like that

Because it starts subtly and when the behaviours is really bad your confidence or ability to leave is so eroded you feel trapped or that it's your fault or that you can make it better.

Just if the OP or any other women in a similar situation reads this and blames themselves for staying. It's not your fault.

eviltwin

shamrock55 wrote: »

Your husband sounds like an absolute prick and your a pushover and he knows it, I can't for the life of me understand why women put up with men like tha

Some people don't have a choice. How many people can just up and leave and start all over again? The OP is living away from her support network and has children so it's not as easy as just walking away. I don't think she's a pushover, she's someone trapped in a difficult situation with limited options. Your not so thinly veiled dig at her isn't going to help her.

LuciX

I'm not a robot wrote: »

Can he really stop you from moving the children back to Ireland with you? Get good legal advice about that.

Of course he can. And any responsible father would.

Children are theirs, not hers!
And their life is settled in the UK.
There's no such thing as unilateral decisions when it comes to children unless the other parent is deceased or nowhere to be found.

Go do some research before talking ****.

lavinia hathaway

LuciX wrote: »

Of course he can. And any responsible father would.

Children are theirs, not hers!
And their life is settled in the UK.
There's no such thing as unilateral decisions when it comes to children unless the other parent is deceased or nowhere to be found.

Go do some research before talking ****.

Responsible fathers do not throw things at their childrens' mother and act in a sexually coercive manner. They also don't get jealous of the attention the children receive from their mother. From the opening post this father is nowhere to be found with regard to helping and supporting his family, and is also abusive and dangerous.

twill

OP, have you enquired whether it would be possible to move and then apply for a court order? This is not an ordinary situation, after all, and you justifiably feel that you could potentially be in danger.

suicide_circus

no amount of therapy or mediation will fix this. he sounds like a sociopath. get out of there.

HildaOgdenx

I wonder if he will be so anxious to keep the children when the reality of what is entailed in looking after them day to day becomes apparent to him.

Please stay safe OP, and get out as soon as you can.

wiggle16

LuciX wrote: »

Go do some research before talking ****.

Mod:

If you can't be civil, don't post.

ILoveYourVibes

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

I wonder if he will be so anxious to keep the children when the reality of what is entailed in looking after them day to day becomes apparent to him.

Please stay safe OP, and get out as soon as you can.

Its a threat to control her.

I would call his bluff and ask him if he wants me to leave and leave the kids with him.

wiggle16

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its a threat to control her.

I would call his bluff and ask him if he wants me to leave and leave the kids with him.

Vibes, I'm sorry but this is very dangerous advice.

You do not call the bluff of a man such as the OP is describing, because it's not a bluff. Men like him thrive on control - he won't just let that slip away. As has been pointed out earlier, a woman in an abusive relationship is most at risk when she's planning to leave the situation. Threats or even negotiation will not ameliorate that in the slightest.

LuciX

<SNIPPED>

Mod warning:

Do not argue a mod instruction the the thread please. Report it or take it to PM.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

This place you could run to in London, could he find you there? Can you have a plan in place for getting there if you need to, both while you're still in the house and when you get moved? A plan that you're very clear about in your head but which there is no paper trail or evidence of? I appreciate with small children and all the kit that entails that's difficult.

Listen to everything women's aid and the police say, if this thread is a helpful outlet or source of feedback then good, but those are your guides.

I'm assuming from how crap he is with the kids he's not in the habit of spending any time alone with them? If he suddenly develops an interest in that, if the kids ever aren't where they're supposed to be, you call the police and you call them straight away.

You seem like you're sensible enough to not need this reiterated but DO NOT issue any ultimatum, call any bluffs.

Good luck x

wiggle16

Hannah Rich Seasickness wrote: »

I'm assuming from how crap he is with the kids he's not in the habit of spending any time alone with them? If he suddenly develops an interest in that, if the kids ever aren't where they're supposed to be, you call the police and you call them straight away.

If I could I'd thank this twice. Very, very good point.